【012】Ally

【Satou Akane】

I had a childhood friend who was a boy.

I didn’t have romantic feelings.

According to my mother, the step before falling in love is a wonderful relationship. When you fall in love with someone, happy things increase, but sad things increase too. If you can’t endure that, it’s better not to fall in love.

I quite like my mother’s philosophy.

And I probably don’t have that resolve.

So I’m planning to wait slowly until that resolve comes. If it doesn’t come, well, I can’t help it—I think about it lightly.

Apparently, I’m on the popular side.

But I’m not really aware of it. It’s other people’s opinions. If I were a beautiful girl like Nakano-san, maybe I’d be more conscious of it.

I’ve been confessed to often. I naturally turned them down based on my mother’s philosophy.

Since then, I think a childhood friend who’s a boy is truly a precious relationship.

We talk when we occasionally meet. We get along fairly well, and those times are quite fun. The time with him feels comfortable.

I’m adding a new line to my mother’s philosophy.

The step before falling in love.

This is probably the ideal relationship, the relationship to cherish.

However, it was fragile.

I’ve been regretting it forever.

I was involved in a molestation incident.

I didn’t know that being touched on my skin by someone could be this terrifying. Since then, I haven’t been able to touch men.

The one who called out to me in that state was Misaki, my childhood friend.

I felt relieved and almost cried. But I held back. I wanted to show him a strong version of myself. It was my own pride.

Misaki and I are as close as sister and brother. A sister protecting her weak little brother. So I didn’t want to reverse our positions.

After parting with Misaki, I cried.

From fear, and from slight relief.

Tomorrow I have to thank Misaki, I thought as I went to sleep, and when I went to school—

A rumor was spreading that the culprit of the molestation incident was Misaki.

◇

By the time I noticed, it was already out of control. Misaki desperately insisted on his innocence. But Misaki has always had a bully-prone disposition. Those opinions were crushed one after another, and eventually he became the target of bullying.

That bullying had the nominal title of being punishment, not bullying.

The entire class had an atmosphere of punishing Misaki. Those who didn’t comply were the same as Misaki.

Everyone feared becoming like Misaki.

I feared it too.

Scared. I was scared, so I sided with the bullies.

They say that those who turn a blind eye to bullying are also complicit in it.

Ah, so this is what that means, I thought.

I could have reported the bullying anonymously. There were plenty of ways. But I succumbed to the atmosphere. I lost to the atmosphere rather than ethics.

Pathetic and shameful.

How foolish.

Since then, I’ve been unable to forgive myself.

◇

A rumor like this started circulating.

Isn’t it Misaki who killed Netchy?

The rumor spread instantly.

What gave credibility to that rumor was in Misaki’s class… Class 1-3’s lessons.

Netchy apparently had the worst personality, calling on students with impossible problems and then nitpicking about their inability to solve them. There’s no defending that.

Misaki was apparently targeted by Netchy.

That day, the topic of parents came up.

I heard about Misaki’s parents’ deaths from my mother.

It was an unfortunate accident.

I don’t know the details.

But I can’t fathom what feelings Misaki has lived with since then. It’s surely something I’ll never understand.

He touched Misaki’s taboo.

Misaki finally exploded with all the frustration he’d been holding in and killed Netchy.

That’s the rumor that spread.

That’s impossible.

I understood that Misaki is not the culprit.

Such a thing is impossible.

Misaki has experienced his parents’ death. He knows death. Someone like that couldn’t kill a person. Someone who knows the preciousness of life better than anyone couldn’t kill.

After the murderer rumors spread, Misaki apparently stopped receiving physical bullying. They just erased his existence. Everyone was desperate to sever ties. Maybe I’ll be killed too. They’re thinking things like that.

Misaki became alone.

He became truly alone.

People can recognize themselves for the first time by having someone else. Like how you can’t see your own face, people are creatures who live supporting each other.

Because Misaki taught me that.

Now it’s my turn to be Misaki’s ally.

I knew where Misaki lives now.

But I’d been avoiding visiting.

When I stood in front of the door, I trembled a little.

Misaki is living here now.

I didn’t know anything.

I didn’t try to know.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Apologizing isn’t something that can be forgiven.

This is something I should carry for life.

I pressed the doorbell.

Ding-dong—a loud sound rang.

That sound echoed harshly, emphasizing the silence.

A sound came from beyond the door belatedly.

Somewhat flustered.

The door opened forcefully.

“—Misaki.”

“—Huh?”

◇

The room was neatly organized.

It had a lived-in feeling. There was a slightly sweet smell.

What is this smell?

I feel like I’ve smelled it somewhere before…

“Oh, please.”

Misaki laid out a round table and cushions, urging me.

“E-Excuse me…”

I slowly sat down.

“U-um, well…”

Misaki sat in front of me.

More bewildered than troubled.

Well, that’s natural.

“Satou-san, what brings you here today?”

Satou-san.

…I guess that’s natural.

I hate myself for being hurt by every little thing.

“—I’m sorry.”

I was bowing my head.

“Huh? What?”

Misaki’s bewildered voice came from above my head.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry… I don’t think apologizing will fix anything, but I can’t say anything else… I’m truly sorry.”

“—”

Ah, why is it always like this?

There were things I needed to say.

Things I wanted to say.

And yet, why?

Why am I crying?

Why am I the one crying?

The one who should be crying is Misaki.

I can only say things like this.

Really, so pathetic and shameful.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry…

All I can do is apologize endlessly.