【011】Solitude

【Tamura Misaki】

—Murderer.

I’m drowning in pitch-black darkness.

Countless eyes look down at me. There are only eyes and mouths there. The mouths speak in unison.

—Murderer. Murderer. Murderer.

Am I a murderer?

I can deny it. I haven’t killed anyone. And yet an atmosphere pervades that I am a murderer.

That’s poison to me. My body is being invaded by poison.

—Murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer.

Even if I insist on my innocence.

An individual can never win against a group.

The air is thick. The stares are sharp. The words from their mouths are blades. All of it attacks me. I couldn’t feel the pain of it.

I probably broke a long time ago. So I’m not hurt by the words said to me. Pain, sadness, misfortune—I have none of that.

This hell just continues.

—Murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer…

For example. Just as an example.

If I were a normal person.

What would have happened?

◇

One month since Tanaka-sensei died.

Lately, I’d become bad at the moment of entering the classroom.

When I enter, the classroom atmosphere changes.

I feel it on my skin, in the air.

Eyes gather on me, but no one tries to approach. My desk is still stuffed with graffiti and garbage. Today my shoe locker was also crushed flat.

But no physical bullying comes.

It’s been almost a month now. No one throws rags at me, no one dumps buckets of water on me, no chalk powder gets on me.

They’re just trying to erase my existence.

Thorough ignoring.

It’s like there’s a hole in just one part of the classroom.

“…”

I sat in my seat.

Today too, the day passed as usual.

Leaving behind a slight distortion.

◇

“You’re Tamura-kun, right?”

I was walking home from school when someone called out to me. Not even five minutes had passed since leaving school.

When I turned toward the voice, there was a man and woman I recognized. One was a man in his early forties. The other was a young woman. Both were familiar faces. I answered the woman who had called out to me.

“Inoue-san, wasn’t it?”

“Yes. I’m glad you remember.”

She was Inoue-san. A detective.

I don’t know the details of ranks, so I don’t know what position she holds. The man next to her was, if I remember correctly, her superior Hayama-san.

“Can we talk for a bit?”

“…Yes.”

I immediately understood what this was about.

The place we moved to was a small café. There were few customers, and it was somehow quiet. We sat at the furthest table and ordered. Inoue-san said she’d treat, so I ordered coffee.

“Um, so, what did you want to talk about?”

“Sorry to bother you again. Actually, about that matter, we’d like to ask you some more details.”

“I… see…”

That matter meant Tanaka-sensei’s case.

“Do you know anything about Tanaka?”

I was suddenly asked an impossible question.

I answered honestly.

“Just that he was a math teacher and, well, the rumor that he was doing compensated dating…”

“Where did you hear that compensated dating rumor?”

“I don’t have any friends. I just overheard classroom conversations, I didn’t actually know it firsthand.”

“…That rumor seems to have been updated on social media.”

“So it seems.”

Something feels really off.

I felt an indescribable anxiety.

“By the way, do you remember what you were doing between 4 PM and 8 PM that day?”

…What?

When asked that question, I realized.

Am I being suspected?

Do they think I killed Tanaka-sensei?

—Murderer!!

I remembered the paper I’d seen before. I forcefully pushed the memory away and answered Inoue-san’s question.

“I don’t remember too well, but… I think I was shopping and making dinner. After that, studying at home and taking a bath.”

“Wait, are you living alone by any chance, Tamura-kun?”

That was the first time Hayama-san asked something.

“Ah, yes. My parents died when I was in middle school…”

“I see…”

After that, I was asked several more questions before we parted. It was more like an interrogation than a conversation. Does this mean the police suspect me…?

I thought about that as I headed home.

【Inoue Reina】

“Talking with Tamura-kun is a bit exhausting…”

After parting with Tamura-kun, Sergeant Hayama said once we were in the car.

“No friends, dead parents—the content is too heavy. Plus he’s probably being bullied. I sympathize with him.”

“I… see…”

I couldn’t honestly nod at Sergeant Hayama’s words. Sergeant Hayama naturally noticed that reaction.

“What’s wrong?”

“When I saw Tamura-kun today, this sounds harsh, but… I found him a bit creepy.”

“Creepy?”

I gave a deliberate cough.

How should I explain this? I tried to break down what I was thinking as clearly as possible.

“From today’s conversation, he must have realized he’s one of the suspects in the Tanaka Akio murder. That was our intention anyway.”

The investigation was proving difficult.

Tamura-kun was one of the suspects raised. Moreover, the high school girls Tanaka was doing compensated dating with had alibis, so they were effectively cleared as suspects.

“Tamura-kun acts like it’s someone else’s business. All the words that should relate to him, he receives them like they’re about someone else… Sometimes that kid looks completely empty inside.”

“Well, I felt that too… He’s had a lot of awful experiences at that age. I wouldn’t find it strange if he’d learned a survival technique or two.”

“Well, that’s true, but…”

“Anyway, shall we report to Chief Noyama?”

Sergeant Hayama started the car.

“So, do you think Tamura-kun is the culprit?”

“That’s… I still don’t know.”

I answered that way, but I’d already grasped a feeling close to certainty.

He’s probably not the culprit.

【Tamura Misaki】

When I got home and was alone, I realized something.

Maybe I was wishing for the bullying.

I’ve been bullied for so long.

But during that time, I was a recognized existence. In other words, I was there. Now it’s different. I’m suspected of murder, and everyone ignores me. Being ignored means I’m not there.

I’m truly alone.

Is being alone this empty?

Can I really say I’m alive?

…I’m scared.

Scared? Why do I feel scared now?

Because I felt like I was ceasing to be myself.

Because it feels like the fact that I, Tamura Misaki, was here never existed at all.

Being bullied was better. Bullying was salvation for me.

The doorbell rang.

Ah, that’s right.

I’m not alone yet.

I have someone, don’t I?

I have an angel too.

If I open the door, she’ll be standing there with a smile.

I opened the door.

“—Misaki.”

“—Huh?”

It wasn’t Nanaka-san standing there.

Only one person other than my parents has called me Misaki. But it had been a long time since I’d been called that.

Satou Akane was standing there.