You Were Stolen from Me, so I Will Live for Myself

Childhood Friend’s Decision (1)

Yuki’s POV

3:00 AM.

Once again, I wake up from a nightmare. My whole body is trembling as usual, and the sheets are drenched in cold sweat.

The image of Yuto’s face from my dream still lingers in my mind, refusing to fade away.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”

I burry my face in my pillow, repeating those words over and over again.

But those words reach no one. There is no one else in this room but me.

My head hurts so much it feels like it’s about to split open. My stomach churns with self-loathing and regret. I try to run to the bathroom, but I stumble and fall to the floor. I’m sure I hit my knee hard, yet I barely feel the pain.

I haven’t been able to eat properly these past few weeks, eating one meal a day feels like a struggle.

Even when I do eat, I can’t taste anything. No matter how much water I drink, the feeling of thirst never goes away.

Because of this, I’ve lost nearly seven kilograms.

My clothes are all loose. I don’t even recognize the person reflected in the mirror anymore.

Even so, I tell myself that this is what I deserve.

“…I should get up.”

Muttering weakly, I somehow manage to lift myself off the floor. There’s no point in trying to sleep, I won’t be able to anyway. In that case, staying awake is the better option.

A face reflected in the bathroom mirror.

“……”

Pale skin. Deadshot eyes. Hollow cheeks.

My hair is full of split ends, there are even patches where strands of hair have fallen out.

I must have unconsciously pulled at it again last night. My lips look so pale and dry.

But still—this appearance is still better than my true self.

What I truly am is even far uglier, far more disgusting than this.

“Ah…I can’t take it anymore…”

I hold the sink with both hands, struggling against the dizziness. Perhaps because I barely ate anything, even standing is a struggle. My body just won’t stop trembling.

I wish I can just die like this.

That thought crosses my mind countless times. There was even a time when I tried to take a large dose of sleeping pills. But I stopped myself from doing so. It’s not because I’m afraid to die or anything like that.

But it’s because I don’t even deserve to die.

If I die, everything will be over. The past, the regrets, the guilt, everything. But that will mean running away from the sins I have committed.

More importantly, if I die, Yuto will surely blame himself. He’s just too kind. Even though I’m a traitor who has trampled on our twenty years of relationship, I’m sure he will regret it if I die.

‘If I had just forgiven her, Yuki wouldn’t have died…’

That’s exactly what Yuto will think. Because he is kind, clumsy, and sincere. To make him bear such regret—that’s just too cruel.

“…I can’t let that happen.”

Also, if I die, my parents will be sad too. They have raised me with so much love and care…I can never do something so cruel to them.

I know I must never to something like that. But even though I know that, the desire to escape from this pain won’t go away.

So, I have no choice but to carry this sin for the rest of my life. This guilt, this regret, this unbearable self-disgust, forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One sunny afternoon.

I don’t have any classes today, so I just stay alone in my room, absentmindedly staring at a photo of Yuto. I must have been looking at it for over an hour. Then, at some point, a thought crosses my mind.

What would Yuto do?

If he were in my place, if Yuto were drowning in self-loathing, feeling like he is about to die from the weight of his regrets, what would he do? If he were crushed by unbearable remorse, unable to see the way forward, then Yuto would—

The answer comes to me immediately.

“…he wouldn’t stop moving forward.”

That’s right. Yuto isn’t the kind of person who would continue to blame himself endlessly like this. Even if it’s painful, even if he is filled with regret, he would still take some kind of action to move forward. No matter how unbearable the pain is, he would find a way to move forward.

Because that’s the kind of person Yuto is.

No matter how broken he is, no matter how much despair he faces, he never gives up on getting back up. Not because someone told him to. Not because he blames something else to push himself forward. Yuto moves forward because he wants to, of his own will.

—then what about me?

Is it really okay for me to continue like this? Continuing to drown in regret, consumed by self-loathing, struggling to even exist, and yet still doing nothing to change anything?

“…I don’t want that.”

My hoarse voice echoes throughout the quiet room.

Just like when I betrayed Yuto, he moved forward and left me behind. He will probably never look back at me anymore. There’s no reason for him to.

But even so—

I wonder if I can move forward to…?

Suddenly, that thought comes to my mind. Nothing has been decided yet. I still don’t know what I should do. But at the very least, I have found an answer by thinking about what Yuto would do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I keep thinking.

What can I do right now?

My vision blurs. The textbooks and notebooks scattered on my desk looks somehow unreal. It’s as if I’m trapped in a different dimension.

I wonder if my life can be useful for Yuto…

That thought suddenly crosses my mind.

Right now, I have nothing left. My pride, my dreams, my hopes, I have lost everything. More than anything, I have trampled on the promise I made to the person I loved the most.

However, I still have my life.

Come to think of it…

If I remember correctly, I heard a rumour the other day. Something about Yuto helping out a startup company. It’s just a causal piece of information that I picked up from a classmate.

Also, I saw him at the café near the station the other day…

Yuto was wearing a black suit and looked somehow mature. There were several people around him, all engaged in a serious discussion.

I’m sure he is going to start something big.

The last time I saw Yuto, he was shining. His eyes were filled with determination, and he looked more reliable than ever. He has always been the type to push forward once he set his mind on something. Many people will surely follow his vision.

There’s no doubt he’ll succeed.

I’m certain of it. Yuto has a natural ability to attract people. He’s also quick-witted and hardworking. When he sets his mind to accomplish something, he always delivers results. He undoubtedly has all the qualities of a successful person.

That’s why, I’m a bit worried.

…because, Yuto has a soft side.

He tends to trust people too much. He’s easily deceived. Someone needs to cover up for that weakness. Otherwise, his incredible talent might get dragged in the wrong direction.

The fact that he was with someone like me is proof of that. I took advantage of Yuto’s kindness and…

I wonder if I can do it…support Yuto from behind the scenes, without meeting him.

I can no longer allow myself to be involved with Yuto directly. If we meet face to face, Yuto will definitely be troubled, and I probably won’t be able to handle it either.

However, what if I can support him from behind the scenes?

What if I can make the path Yuto chooses easier to walk? Even if it’s just a little bit.

—in order to do that, I will need power.

Social credibility, professional knowledge, I have none of it. Right now, I have nothing. I’m just a worthless traitor. A cheating woman. A horrible person who hurt Yuto and ruined everything.

What can someone like me possibly do?

Just as I’m about to sink into dark thoughts, my eyes suddenly turn to the textbook lying open on my desk. I look down at the open page. A law textbook.

Right there, I find my answer.

…lawyer.

That word comes into my mind like a ray of light.

If I become a lawyer, I’ll be able to get involved in corporate legal affairs, reviewing contracts, handling disputes and managing risks. Using the law as my weapon, I’ll be able to take on the role of protecting someone.

That’s right, if I become a lawyer…

Yuto will surely achieve great success. With his natural talent and relentless effort, he will be able to walk down his own path smoothly. However, the more successful he is, the greater the dangers he will face. Contract traps, betrayals, dirty negotiations. There will inevitably be people who try to take advantage of his honesty.

Yuto tends to trust people too much.

Someone needs to cover that weakness. He needs someone that can support him from behind the scenes, allowing him to move forward without hesitation.

Maybe, just maybe…I can be that person.