You Were Stolen from Me, so I Will Live for Myself - Chapter 20 Extra

Crazy Childhood Friend

Yuki’s POV

Seven years ago.

A few days has passed since I broke up with Kanzaki.

One day, I saw Yuto in the campus cafeteria.

Right now, I am walking home from campus.

My mind is filled with nothing but all of the stupid things I’ve done.

Nothing in my life has changed since I broke up with Yuto.

Each day feels empty, colourless.

The days pass by in a daze.

“…what have I done?”

I already know the answer myself.

I let myself got carried away. A fleeting impulse, that’s all it takes to destroy my twenty years relationship that I have built together with Yuto.

“…haha.”

I don’t know why I’m laughing myself.

Perhaps, I’m laughing at my own foolishness.

“Ahaha…hahaha…”

At that moment, I feel the gazes of the people passing by.

Their gazes are filled with confusion and caution, as if they are looking at something strange.

But I just don’t care and continue walking home.

Before I knew it, I’m already standing in front of my house.

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Lately, I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Whether I’m awake or asleep, all I can think about is how disgusting I am. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I feel nauseous.

No mater how much I shower and try to clean myself, I feel like something filthy is still clinging to my skin, deep beneath the surface.

It isn’t just the feeling of guilt. I feel like that I’m rotten to the core.

“…disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.”

I keep repeating those words over and over again.

However, every time I say those words, even my own voice starts to feel disgusting.

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It’s even worse at night.

“…uhhh.”

My pillow is wet with tears. I don’t even know when I started crying.

Before I knew it, the tears are already flowing down my cheeks.

“…what am I?”

I already know the answer. A traitor, a liar, and—a disgusting creature.

“…sleep, sleep, sleep.”

Maybe if I sleep, I will feel a little better.

But even when I close my eyes, I can’t escape my thoughts.

No matter what, I can never escape the feeling of how utterly disgusting and filthy I am.

The moment I close my eyes, Yuto’s smile appears in my mind.

The memories of us twenty years together. The precious time that I’ve destroyed.

“Ugh…uhhh…uwaaa…ahhh…aghh…”

My head hurts, it feels like it’s being squeezed. Incomprehensible sounds come out of my mouth. I curl up in my futon, but no matter what, I can’t escape from this pain.

I can’t run from myself.

My very existence is unbearably disgusting.

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Morning comes, it’s just the same as the day before. The moment I wake up, the first thing I think of is Yuto.

Then, a feeling of nausea hits me.

“…who are you?”

Reflected in the mirror is a woman I don’t recognize.

Haggard cheeks, bloodshot eyes, dry lips.

A creature with a lifeless face stares right back at me.

Unable to bear the sight, I turn my face away.

However, no matter where I look, the same reality always hits me.

“…disgusting.”

When I say so, the woman in the mirror says the same words back.

The same daily routine. Makeup, hair, clothes.

Today is just the same as yesterday. Nothing changes.

The makeup, the clothes, it’s all a lie.

The real me is so ugly and disgusting that nothing like those can hide it.

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“Hey, Yuki.”

One day, Kanzaki-Senpai calls out to me.

“…what is it?”

“You haven’t been looking too well lately.”

At those words, I respond with an expressionless face.

“Don’t come near me. I’m disgusting.”

Kanzaki-Senpai freezes for a moment.

“……”

It seems like he wants to say something, but no words come out.

“Don’t get involved with a disgusting creature like me.”

As I say so and try to walk away, but Kanzaki-Senpai grabs my arm, stopping me.

“Wait, I…”

I stop. Then, I slowly lower my gaze and stare at the hand grabbing my arm.

“Don’t touch me. You’ll get filthy as well.”

For a brief moment, Kanzaki-Senpai’s fingers tremble sightly. Then, he quietly lets go of my arm.

I say nothing and just simply start walking away.

See? Just touching me makes you feel disgusted, right?

…because, I’m such a disgusting creature.

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“Yuki, you don’t seem well lately.”

My mom told me so with a worried look on her face.

“…I’m fine.”

Another lie. There is no way I’m fine. I’m utterly disgusted with myself.

“How’s Yuto? How are things with him?”

My whole body stiffens at those words.

“…it’s all over.”

I barely managed to say so in a hoarse voice.

“Eh? What happened?”

“…it’s all my fault.”

My mom starts to say something, but I have no energy left to continue the conversation.

I escape into my room, shutting the door behind me.

Leaning against the wall, I slowly slide down to the floor.

“…I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

I don’t even know who I’m apologizing to. I just keep repeating those words.

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Night. Alone again.

In the silence, I let out a sigh. Staring up at the dimly lit ceiling, I murmur.

“…what am I supposed to do from now on?”

Will I keep living like this forever? Day after day, crushed by my own disgust.

“…it will be fine if I just disappear.”

Those words leave my lips so naturally.

Curling beneath the blanket, I wish for the morning never comes.

As I’m thinking about this, tears once again stream down my cheeks.

When I close my eyes, those memories naturally come to mind.

Yuto’s gently smile. The warmth in his words that day. The painfully beautiful memories that I have destroyed.

“Ugh…uhhh…uwaaa…ahhh…aghh…”

A throbbing headache. Incomprehensible sounds come out from the back of my throat. Those painfully beautiful memories are coming back to me as if mocking me.

Please…stop…don’t make me remember about those memories anymore…

My thoughts are a mess. My heart really hurts. My body is trembling.

It’s painful, it’s really painful.

No matter how much I struggle, there is no escape.

No matter how much I cry, nothing will change.

This pain will never disappear.

Unable to bear it any longer, my consciousness sinks into darkness.

Tomorrow will surely be the same.

I have no choice but to live with this pain and suffering.