Surviving in a World Teeming with Monsters with the Useless Skill 【Everyday Items Master】! I Was Just Hunting Wild Animals with a Crowbar, So Why Is Everyone Screaming It's an S-Rank Monster? - 69

Chapter 69: Let’s Have a Fashion Battle!

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The first to rush over was Angel, accompanied by a streaming drone.

“What the heck? You called for an expert and—what is this situation!?”

: Uh, what is this?

: A goblin wearing clothes!?
: A fashionable goblin!
: What the heck is a fashionable goblin?

Apparently, neither Angel nor the viewers, the loser piggy, had any idea what was going on.

Wait, then what the hell is this? What the hell are these things?

“Taku! What in the world is going on!?”

Botan came running, holding clothes in her arms and wearing only underwear. She must’ve been in the middle of changing.

“-!?”

Then her eyes widened at the absurdity of the scene. I quickly covered the drone’s camera with my hand.

“Wait, what is this, uh?”

“Botan, it’s okay. Just go put on your clothes.”

“Ah! O-Okay…!”

Regaining her composure, Botan’s snow-white cheeks turned bright red as she hurried back. Watching her retreating figure in underwear, I couldn’t help but think about her ass… And how pale it was.

Removing my hand from the drone’s camera, I turned to everyone and asked.

“Uh, well… How should I explain it… Basically, the situation is exactly like what everyone is seeing. If anyone knows what these things are, please—”

“Like I said… You Lame Boy…”

Killing intent. I quickly raised my umbrella into a defensive stance.

“Get the hell out already! What the hell do you think you’re doing calling for backup!?”

With that, the goblin lunged at me with surprising speed. He drew a sword from his cane. A concealed blade, huh? I reacted instantly to block it.

【Open Umbrella】

“Wha!?”

The fashionable goblin was repelled. He wasn’t hurt but was sent flying and tumbled away. The lady goblins around him rushed over, looking worried.

“Ugh, don’t worry about me, my wives…! Hey, Lame Boy! You’re pretty good, huh!”

“You’re strong too for a goblin.”

A normal monster would’ve been torn apart by just one umbrella move. I figured I could beat him in two more clashes once I got the hang of his movement. 

: KYEEEEEAAAAAAH IT TALKEDDDDDD!
: The goblin talked!
: Do monsters talk sometimes!?
: This is my first time seeing a talking monster!

The comments section was in total chaos. Either this was incredibly rare or maybe even the first case of its kind, like with Luna. Angel then said.

“…If it’s speaking our language, then it might be a demonkin…?”

“Angel, you know something?”

“I saw something once from the Guild PR Department. They observed monsters that can communicate. The guild gave them a provisional name: ‘demonkin,’ and put out a research request.”

So it had been documented. Demonkin—monsters capable of conversation. Even four years after dungeons appeared, there was still so much we didn’t know. I stared at the fashionable goblin. He stood up, brushed off his clothes, and straightened his posture.

Then he sheathed the sword into his cane, puffed smoke from a pipe, and said.

“Lame Boy, you’re pretty strong… I always thought I was tough, but if you and I actually fought it out, neither of us would come out unscathed.”

“Eh? I’m pretty sure I could beat you without a scratch though…”

“Exactly why! We should settle this peacefully! You and me! We’ll decide who’s truly worthy of living in this sacred space!”

“I don’t have the slightest intention of living here though…”

“But I’ll be the one to decide the type of match! Something worthy of this sacred place!”

This fashionable goblin wasn’t listening to me at all. I just stared, baffled.

: Crowbar Bro’s at a loss, lol
: This guy’s funny. Let’s kill him last.
: Let’s not kill him yet. 

: I wonder what kind of match he is going to pick~!?

The loser piggy were totally into the goblin’s antics. This was a first for me. A situation where I couldn’t kill the enemy—not because of strength, but because the audience was too entertained.

“A match worthy of this sacred space! And that is…!”

The fashionable goblin’s excitement hit its peak. And then, with great pomp, he declared the match contents/

“―A Fashion Battleeeeeee!!”

To the fashionable goblin, fashion was a sacred act and this section of the clothing shop, stocked with clothes for that very act, was his sacred ground. Therefore, if one were to fight over this sacred space, it should be done through the sacred ritual of fashion.

“SO! We will now commence the Fashion Battle! First, each side must declare their judge!”

With a loud stomp on the judge’s podium that had somehow been prepared, the fashionable goblin opened his mouth.

“The first judge! Leader of this goblin pack and priest of this sacred land! That would be me!!”

“Gyai gyai!” 

“Gyaggyogii!”

The goblin’s wives squealed (somewhat shrilly?). Didn’t one of those lady goblins just say he was cool? Also, even though he had appointed himself as the judge, he still didn’t say his name. Maybe he didn’t have one? And di he say “pack” too?

“You’re up next, Lame Boy!”

“Uh, yeah. I’m the second judge, Taku… I’m confused, but I’ll do my best…”

: No motivation, lol:
: Actually relatable lol.

: What even is this…? Just what is this…?

The comment section chimed in at my intro. But it wasn’t cheering—it was more like collective sympathy. Pretty much all the humans were confused. It couldn’t be helped. 

I mean, what is this?

The fashionable goblin continued.

“We now have judges from both sides, but what’s missing is a neutral judge. But I know… That flying box over there! You’ve got tons of eyes watching from inside it!”

: Wait, does that mean we’re the third judge!?

: Ain’t no way.

: Are we really neutral though?

And thus the loser piggy became the third judge. 

Is that okay, Fashionable Goblin? They’re probably gonna be biased in my favor, you know?

I added a note for the loser piggy:

“Uh, in order to maintain at least some neutrality, we’ll tally the viewer votes via a poll. Since the fashionable goblin picked the theme, I’ll announce the format.”

“Sure thing! I’ll let you handle that much!”

What was up with this goblin’s weird sense of fairness?

“Each side will send out one participant dressed up, and the three judges will vote. The side with the most votes wins the round and gets one point. After three rounds, the side with the most points wins.”

: Best of three, got it.

: Easy to understand.

: Wait, was this already planned by them from the beginning?

: Nah, it’s a surprise collab.

: This is a surprise collab? Amazing lol

: A surprise collab ft. Mysterious Demonkin

I want to believe this wasn’t spontaneous. But it was really a spontaneous fashion battle. How did this happen?

“Now then! First up from Team Goblin—let’s see that fashion battler strut their stuff!”

The fashionable goblin shouted like it was a martial arts match. But yes, it was actually a fashion battle. The first contestant stepped forward: a goblin dressed like a lady from medieval Europe.

“Here we goooo! This one’s one of my favorites—!”

The Fashionable Goblin launched into an enthusiastic commentary. Meanwhile, I just stared flatly.

: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
: This Lady Goblin is hilarious LOLLL

: She’s wearing the top half of a baby stroller on her head!
: Is this even a real competition?

“—And that’s the story behind this outfit!”

The Fashionable Goblin ended his live commentary after explaining the outfit to us. None of us had been listening, but the wives applauded, so it must have been a solid explanation.

“Well then, next up is the Lame Boy Squad—get out here already!”

Responding to that call, Luna stepped forward.

“U-uhm… Uum, d-does it suit me?”

Luna was dressed in the outfit she had wanted—something inspired by Alice in Wonderland.

A blue-based apron dress. Rather than cosplay, it was more of a formal outfit, making her look like a well-bred young lady from some prestigious family.

“Whoa~ Luna, you’re super cute. That really suits you.”

“Onii-sama! R-really!? Yay!”

: Soooo cuuuute!!
: Seriously, she’s so cute I wanna take her home with me!
: Luna-chan… Won’t you be my daughter?
: Adorable!

The comment section was exploding. Somehow, I felt proud too.

That’s right, Luna is cute. She’s my daughter. No one’s taking her—I’ll kill them.

“Now then, judges! Cast your votes! Raise the placards we prepared!”

It seemed they were using those sticks you often see on variety shows to vote for which team was better. I had no idea why those sticks just happened to be on hand. The Fashionable Goblin really was prepared for everything.

Anyway, of course I voted for Luna. Now then, what about the other two…?

“Huh? They both picked Luna too?”

: Well yeah.

: I can’t tell what’s attractive for a goblin…

: As we should. 

: It was funny, but they couldn’t beat Luna-chan’s cuteness.

“Damn it…! That was some serious fashion power, especially for someone on the Lame Boy’s team, anyway…”

Setting the loser goblins aside, even the Fashionable Goblin had voted for Luna.

What the hell is with that oddly fair play spirit?

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