Surviving in a World Teeming with Monsters with the Useless Skill 【Everyday Items Master】! I Was Just Hunting Wild Animals with a Crowbar, So Why Is Everyone Screaming It's an S-Rank Monster? - 70

Chapter 70: The End of the Fashion Battle!

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The Fashion Goblin shouted.

“The second fashion battler from my side… Come on out!”

Responding to that voice, a goblin emerged wearing a twelve-layered ceremonial kimono.

: -?!
: I’ve seen that in a history textbook!
: What a ridiculously heavy traditional wear.

: How many layers is that?

“Here it is, here it is! This one’s another of my faves——”

The Fashion Goblin pack has ridiculously high comedy value,huh?

I thought to myself. Because of that, they might actually manage to score a point in this round. 

I mean, they’re totally serious, but still. The visual is just too damn funny.

I stifled a laugh when I noticed the goblin’s face had painted-on aristocratic eyebrows. Around that time, the Fashion Goblin had finished his explanation too.

“——and that’s that! Next up, let’s see what the Lame Boy gang’s got—come on out!”

“It’s my turn!”

Out stepped Angel, dressed in a school uniform.

“Hehe~! Well? I tried dressing down my school uniform in a gyaru style!”

Angel’s fashion screamed “gyaru schoolgirl.” She wore a plaid mini-skirt and a warm-toned sweater over her dress shirt. The buttons were loosely fastened, making her chest nearly visible. I narrowed my eyes and shook my head.

Ah, nope. This is bad. It hits way too hard for someone like me who missed out on youth. Nope. Too good. Too dangerous.

“Angel, tone it down a little…”

“Aww~♡ Taku, you really are weak to this kinda thing, huh~♡ I knew it~♡”

I sighed at the outfit clearly designed to target me. She clearly knew the weak spot of my generation. She totally understood fashion. But, I was the only one who openly complimented her.

: Damn…!
: We won’t give in!
: Zakomiya, you coward…!

: Even if I cough up blood, I will… I will…!

: I’ll never forgive you, Zakomiya…!

“The loser piggies are terrifying.”

Angel recoiled. I could kinda guess why.

It’s that, right? The loser piggy like to act like they’re Angel haters, so admitting she’s cute must be hard for them. They’re just too tsundere.

“……?”

And then the Fashion Goblin stood there blinking. 

This guy—he probably doesn’t get anything outside of traditional Japanese outfits, huh?

In that case… I began to form a prediction about the outcome.

“All right, judges! Time to vote! Raise your placards!”

Naturally, I voted for Angel. But she came up just short.

“GYA GYA!” (cheers of the twelve-layered ceremonial kimono Goblin)

“What the hell! Why’d I lose!? I lost a fashion battle to a goblin!?”

The Fashion Goblin voted for the twelve-layered ceremonial kimono goblin. The loser piggy, torn between reason and defiance, ended up voting for the twelve-layered ceremonial kimono goblin by a narrow margin instead of Angel.

Honestly, if it was that close, I’d call it a win. Scoring nearly half the votes from a group consisting 80% haters? That was a win.

“Hmph! Whatever. Doesn’t matter. As long as it got to Taku~♡”

Angel gave me a side glance, and I shrugged. 

“I can’t help it. You were cute.”

“Yesss~♡ I know, right?!~♡”

She said, instantly perking back up.

“Heh… Not bad, Lame Boy.”

As we exchanged banter, the Fashion Goblin spoke up.

“I thought your ally would be just as lame as you, but turns out it was a close fight. I underestimated you, Lame Boy.”

“Can you please stop calling me Lame Boy already?”

“Heh, you can say that after you win! Now then, the final fashion battler from my side… Come on out!”

Responding to the Fashion Goblin’s call, Wife Goblin made her appearance. And her outfit completely blew my mind.

“UWOOOOOHH!?”

: LMAOOOOOOOOOOO

: THE HECK LOLLLLLL

: Is it New Year’s already? Lolol

: Okay that’s hilarious!

That goblin was so huge she looked like she was about to pierce the ceiling. Not her actual body—obviously just the costume. From head to toe, she was extravagantly decked out in frills and glitter. Basically, she looked like someone who’d appear at the end of a New Year’s music special. Like a final boss. Like Kobayashi Sachiko.

“Uwooooh!? That’s insane! What the heck is that!?”

Even the Fashion Goblin gave up on commentary and just gawked.

Even you’re surprised!? But still, this next one might be dangerous…

I thought anxiously as I waited for the next participant to appear. 

“Next! The final entry from the Lame Boy gang, come on out!”

The Fashion Goblin called out dramatically. Then a faint, timid voice replied.

“U-Um… A-Are you sure I should really wear… This…?”

Encouragement came from Angel.

“Botan! Be confident! You’re super cute! You can totally go head-to-head with that Kobayashi Sachiko look!”

“I-I… O-okay…”

After that reply, there was a brief silence. Then, hesitantly, Botan stepped forward, clearly embarrassed. And her outfit was—

A bunny suit. A white bunny suit.

“Gwah!”

I took a direct hit.

This is bad! Really bad! Isn’t that cheating?! Goddamn! So cute!

With her snow-white skin and hair, the white bunny suit suited her too well. Her bright red eyes added the perfect accent to her whole bunny look. It was just too much.

: Whoa
: She’s too beautiful.
: This is insane…
: This is Monster-chan?!

: Monster-chan in a white bunny outfit?!

“Kyaa! Botan-oneesama is now officially a white rabbit! She looks so adorable!”

Luna leapt into the air, clapping. I instinctively looked to Angel. She gave me a big thumbs-up.

“They had one!? They seriously had a bunny suit here!?”

“Yep~! And wouldn’t you know it, it just happened to be a white one!”

“Graaaaahhhh!”

I’m still an otaku, so seeing something this good broke my limits.

It was too much. My head started hurting. Then Botan, still blushing furiously, timidly approached and tugged at my sleeve.

“U-Um… D-do I… Look cute…?”

“You’re super cute, Botan~…!”

“S-Super!?”

I clutched my head. Realizing all over again just how ridiculously beautiful she was. She was just too adorable.  I couldn’t even remember the New Year’s Final Boss Goblin anymore. White Bunny Botan definitely won by a landslide.

“……? What’s with those guys? Creepy…”

The Fashion Goblin backed away from our wild cheering. 

Don’t you play the straight man now….

Anyway, the result was…

“Two votes, me and the viewers! Botan wins! That’s two wins out of three—so my team takes the match!!!”

Overcome with excitement, I grabbed the mic from the Fashion Goblin and loudly declared our victory. The Fashion Goblin accepted the loss in silence.

“You win, Lame Boy… We acknowledge you. We’ll leave this place now…”

“Gyii gyii!”

“Gyauu~!”

“Don’t say that, my wives. This was a fashion battle to avoid bloodshed. We can’t cling to this place anymore.”

He calmed down his protesting wives. From the very first match, he’d known. He couldn’t beat this so-called Lame Boy. If they continued, they’d all be wiped out. So instead, he chose to challenge Lame Boy to a sacred fashion battle. And in that battle, they lost. Then the only choice left… Was to quietly walk away. To abandon this beloved home…

The Fashionable Goblin had steeled himself with resolve when the Lame Boy said.

“No, it’s fine. You can stay. We’re not here to move in or anything.”

“…What did you say…!?”

“I mean, I said that from the start, didn’t I? Try listening to what people are saying.”

The Fashionable Goblin widened his eyes and listened closely to the dork’s words.

“We only came because we wanted some new clothes. We’re not here to get in your way. Once we pick out a few outfits, we’ll be gone.”

“…Is that… really true…? You’re showing mercy to us…?”

“It’s not really about mercy… Actually, you know what, sure. Let’s go with that.”

Moved by the Lame Boy’s words, the Fashionable Goblin was brought to tears.

“Lame Boy…! You… You really are…! What a generous, good-hearted guy you are…!”

It’s not like I’m generous or anything, it’s more like your hearing is just that bad…

“Lame Boy—no, Aniki! I’ll never forget this debt! Take as many clothes as you want! Heck, you can even leave it all to me if you like! I will pick your clothes for you!”

“If I left it to you, everything would end up looking vintage, so no thanks.”

The Fashionable Goblin cried out.

“Wooooooaaaah!”

He had never before experienced the kindness of humans like this. The Fashionable Goblin was, after all, a goblin—a weak species that would lose to any ordinary adventurer with a decent skill.

Even among goblins, he was a tenacious survivor, having narrowly escaped death many times. Before he knew it, he had grown stronger, found himself a pack of goblin brides, and wasn’t just an experience fodder for humans anymore. And yet, this was the first time he’d ever felt the kindness, the mercy, of a human he once swore to hate.

“…Well, uh, I guess next time we come by for clothes, we’ll bring some wild animal meat or something as a souvenir.”

Aniki said with a wry smile. The Fashionable Goblin straightened up at his words.

“Aniki! If you ever need help with anything, just call me! I’ll be there for you!”

“Haha, thanks.”

The Fashionable Goblin shook hands with Aniki. Then he warmly watched over them as they continued picking out clothes. Some time later.

Just as Aniki and his group had mostly finished selecting their outfits, someone approached the Fashionable Goblin.

“Fashionable Goblin-san!”

“Hm? What’s this? Ain’t you that tiny one from Aniki’s crew?”

“I’m not tiny! I have a proper name—Luna!”

The girl puffed out her cheeks in protest. Apparently, her name was Luna. She was the only one who had received his vote from Aniki’s team. Her human-like appearance didn’t particularly catch the goblin’s fancy, but her old-fashioned, formal apron dress was worthy of praise.

“Alright then, Luna. You got somethin’ to say to me?”

Prompted by the Fashionable Goblin, Luna pulled something out from behind her back.

“Ohhh! That’s…!”

“Ta-daa! It’s a hat! Since you’re wearing a suit, Fashionable Goblin-san, I thought it’d suit you!”

What Luna had brought out was a top hat—something perfectly tailored to the Fashionable Goblin’s tastes. It was a splendid top hat that looked like it belonged to an old-fashioned gentleman. As he accepted it from Luna, the Fashionable Goblin was deeply moved.

“Thanks a lot…! But still, where’d you even find this? Ain’t nothin’ like this around this sanctuary.”

“Ehehe~ Actually, if it’s just small accessories like this, I can make them on the spot!”

“Huh? You made this?”

The Fashionable Goblin let out a dumbfounded cry. Luna touched the hand he held the hat with, then placed the top hat on his head.

“Wow! It really does suit you! Yup yup! A Mad Hatter isn’t complete without his hat, right?”

“…Huh? Luna, what are you even talking abou—”

The Fashionable Goblin looked confused. Luna smiled and said.

“【I hereby give you a name. Your name is ‘Mad Hatter’.】”

“Wha, ki, kya…?”

The Fashionable Goblin lost all sense of time and space at her words. He didn’t understand anything. Who he was, where he was, what was happening—nothing made sense anymore.

All he knew was that the girl’s eyes had shifted from blue to pink and were softly glowing.

“【Answer me. Who are you?】”

“Ah, guh… I-I’m… Ma-Mad Hatter…?”

“That’s right! You are Mad Hatter. A crazy hatter who will enjoy unbirthday tea parties together with me!”

Hearing her say that with such a cheerful smile, he started to believe it. That he was Mad Hatter. A crazy hatter…

“…Ahh, got it. Nice to meet ya, Princess.”

“Yes! It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Mad Hatter!”

Luna, looking satisfied, called out to Aniki before running back toward Aniki. 

“Onii-sama!”

Watching her retreating figure, Mad Hatter chuckled. 

“Heehee…”

He pinched the brim of his hat, and then—with a soft plop—melted into the shadow at his feet and vanished.

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