Vol 3 CHAPTER 31: Soliloquy, Recollection ⑤ 【Saho Kotobuki POV】【Volume 3: Soliloquy, Recollection【Saho Kotobuki POV】】

Kudo-kun continued on, speaking gently as he tried to convey how he felt.

But I couldn’t understand his words at all.

It seemed like he was apologizing to me for how unreliable he’d been as my boyfriend.

“—I’m sure I must’ve been a terribly boring boyfriend. I’m truly sorry about that. I never should’ve made you feel anxious, not as your boyfriend.”

“That’s… n-not—”

That’s absolutely not true.

He’d been more wonderful to me than I deserved.

If there was a problem, it was with me.

And yet, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that.

—Now, at this point… what right do I have to say it?

I’d lost confidence in everything about myself.

So much that I couldn’t even bring myself to deny his words.

So all I could do was have him see how small and pathetic I was.

“But that’s not something you need to apologize for, Kudo-kun. It’s true that I was the one who acted dishonorably… so it’s only natural that you’d come to hate me—”

“I couldn’t.”

He spoke over my words, cutting in.

I swallowed hard at what he said.

“Even when I tried to hate you… I just couldn’t.”

Kudo-kun said something I couldn’t possibly believe.

“But… but I—”

I couldn’t believe his words.

And yet, I realized there was a shallow, ugly part of me that wanted to believe them.

—No. This can’t go on like this.

I was only thinking about what I could receive from him again.

It was always like that.

All I ever did was accept Kudo-kun’s “I like you,” and even so, I never tried to give anything back.

Because I didn’t know whether I truly “liked” him or not. And so, the entire time we were dating, I never once said the words “I like you” to him.

And yet he always treasured me.

And yet I gave that “I like you” to another man.

And yet—

And yet—

“I think I’m going to forgive you.”

“Huh—?”

And the moment I heard those words, it felt like my heart had stopped beating.

“In the end, I realized that’s the best I can do right now. I know it’s too late to say this now. But I really, truly loved you… so I’ll do what I can to wish you happiness.”

He said it.

That what he wanted was “my happiness.”

And then, finally, he said the words.

“—I’m going to step aside. Cleanly.”

I couldn’t answer.

I just stayed silent as time passed in quiet stillness.

He said he hoped for my happiness.

He said it was because he “liked” me.

In my stunned haze, I made myself confirm it with him.

“You… you’ll forgive me…?”

“Yeah.”

“But… I mean… I cheated on you.”

“That definitely hurt, but—”

And then again, he showed me that gentle smile—one that shouldn’t have ever been meant for me—and said:

“If you can smile again, Kotofuki, then that’s enough.”

From my eyes, a single line of tears slipped down—

Trickle—

And in that moment, I understood.

Not with my head, but with my heart.

—In the rest of my life, there won’t be anyone else who will ever love me more than this man.

Even Ichinose-senpai probably wouldn’t love me this much.

I’d just lost someone I would only ever meet once in my entire life.

I was happy, and I was sad.

And I hated myself for it.

I wanted to do something, anything—something that could finally repay even a fraction of what he’d given me.

So this time, so I wouldn’t make the same mistake again, I asked him:

“If I’m smiling happily… is that really enough for you, Kudo-kun?”

“Yeah. As long as you’re with someone you can honestly say you ‘like,’ that’s enough.”

At that moment, my resolve solidified.

I have to be happy—together with the person I love.

For me, becoming happy is an obligation.

Because that’s the only way I can repay Kudo-kun.

──

──

And so I make the same mistake again.

—Why couldn’t I realize it then?

Maybe I’m the kind of person who’s missing something fundamental.

If I’d faced myself properly, it would’ve been something I could understand right away.

The one I truly “like” is—

Vol 3 CHAPTER 32: Soliloquy, Recollection ⑥ 【Saho Kotobuki POV】【Volume 3: Soliloquy, Recollection【Saho Kotobuki POV】】

A few days after the day Kudo-kun granted me forgiveness, I decided to accept Ichinose-senpai’s confession again—properly this time.

From here on out, he would be my boyfriend.

And I had to be with him, and I had to become happy.

For that, I decided I would make an effort to change myself.

—I’m going to have more confidence in myself.

I knew I wasn’t the type to assert myself strongly, but I also knew that kind of girl isn’t easily seen as attractive. I wasn’t saying I needed to become someone who never wavers no matter what… but I figured that at the very least, even I could aim to become a brighter, more lively girl.

With that in mind, I threw myself into self-improvement.

Cooking had been something I only did occasionally when I felt like making something I wanted to eat, but I tried going back and studying it from the basics. I also asked my mom and the older sister-type women at the salon for advice, and learned how to do makeup in a way that wouldn’t look strange for a student.

Little by little—slowly, but surely—I became able to do things I hadn’t been able to do before. And when that happened, it felt like I’d become a different version of myself. Before I knew it, I thought I was able to show a brighter smile than I used to.

It was all thanks to Kudo-kun giving me that push.

Even now, he still treated me the same way—as a friend. Sometimes I’d report on what I’d been up to, like, “I’ve been studying cooking,” and he’d make this proud, self-satisfied face like it was his own accomplishment. And it was the usual thing for me to laugh and think, What is that even supposed to be?

I owed him more than I could ever repay.

I could only hope that someday would come when I could pay him back properly—everything at once.

And then, with a small spark of competitiveness, I headed to see my boyfriend, Ichinose-senpai. That day, I’d tried a different hairstyle than usual.

Normally I’d tie my hair up carelessly, but this time I braided it and swept it to the side near my ear. For me, it ended up looking a little dressed-up. But I was confident.

So, praying he’d be happy, I called out to him—

“What do you need?”

“Ah, um—”

Just like always, he asked me in blunt, clipped words.

I didn’t really have any “need,” so I panicked. And because of that, I couldn’t bring myself to say what I actually wanted—I want you to compliment my hair—and instead I ended up proposing something I’d been thinking about for a while.

“Um… from now on, can I call you Satoru-senpai?”

“Why?”

“Because… I’m your girlfriend, so…”

“Yeah, well, I guess that’s true. Sure, go ahead—so is that all you needed?”

“Ah— yes. That’s all.”

In the end, he never noticed my hair, and I left. I felt pretty crushed. I thought I’d been trying my best in my own way, but it seemed my efforts still weren’t enough.

I needed to work harder. Much harder.

Satoru-senpai, my boyfriend, was a very mysterious person.

At school he gave off an aura that kept others at a distance, and it didn’t seem like many people really knew him. Still, that somehow melancholy smile of his lingered in my mind. I found myself thinking that if one day he truly trusted me, I wanted him to tell me about the circumstances he carried.

And yet, separate from his school friends, it seemed he had a childhood friend—or friends—he cared about very deeply.

Once, at some point, he talked about them with a rare brightness on his face, like someone his age.

But in that moment—

“Do you all live near each other?”

“Yeah. One of them lives next door.”

“Oh, really? Then—”

I told him, thinking I’d just had a great idea.

“Next time, please introduce me. I want to come over to your place, Satoru-senpai.”

“You can’t!”

He rejected me in an unusually harsh tone.

“Ah… I’m sorry.”

“No… yeah. Sorry, but I don’t intend to introduce you to them. Don’t pry into the reason.”

“…Okay. Um, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

It seemed I’d touched something he didn’t want me to touch.

I regretted it immediately.

No one likes being pushed into too far, after all. And for someone like Satoru-senpai, who especially disliked being interfered with, it was even more so. It seemed I’d made another mistake.

—But someday, I hope he’ll tell me all of his secrets.

Even as I lowered my eyes in guilt, I still found myself thinking that.