Vol 3 CHAPTER 29: Soliloquy, Recollection ③【Volume 3: Soliloquy, Recollection【Saho Kotobuki POV】】

“Kotobuki-san. After school—give me some time to talk.”

“Ah, yes, senpai… um, what is it about?”

“I’ll tell you then—”

It had been a month since I met Ichijo-senpai.

My interactions with him stirred something new inside me.

There was a part of me that went ba-dump, ba-dump whenever I thought of him.

I told myself it had to be because he’d saved me from those bad men—that it was gratitude, the kind of admiration you feel toward a hero. It wasn’t love. It couldn’t be.

But trying to convince myself of that was pointless.

I was helplessly drawn to him.

So much that I found myself thinking about him all the time, day in and day out.

But—this might sound like an excuse—just because of that didn’t mean I’d forgotten about Kudo-kun.

To me, Ichijo-senpai was Ichijo-senpai… and Kudo-kun was Kudo-kun. I could clearly separate them in my mind.

Because the feelings I had for the two of them were decisively different.

What I felt for Ichijo-senpai was like fire.

It was so intense—so powerful—that I couldn’t resist the urge of it. If I tried to fight it, a painful longing came crashing down on me, like I was being burned alive from the inside. My emotions shook so violently it started interfering with my everyday life.

And because it was so strong, I kept suspecting—over and over—that this must be what “like” truly is.

But precisely because it was so strong… it came with an equally strong fear.

—Someday… will this feeling disappear from inside me?

I couldn’t believe something this intense could last forever.

Because there was nothing between me and Ichijo-senpai that you could call a real bond. I didn’t even know something as basic as his favorite food.

—Is it really okay to be certain that this shifting, unstable passion is “love”?

Someday, this fire would burn itself out. And afterward, there’d be nothing left but ash.

I’d been afraid of that ending for a long time.

On the other hand, what I felt for Kudo-kun didn’t carry that kind of fear at all.

If I had to compare it to something… it was like clear spring water.

It wouldn’t vanish.

It would simply remain there, unchanged.

And it gave me a deep sense of peace—of quiet happiness. A kind of happiness I could never get from Ichijo-senpai… and yet I knew I was truly receiving it.

But because it was so calm—so gently still—there were times I doubted whether it was really romantic love at all.

Maybe what I felt for him was only affection—something meant for family, or for a best friend.

Did I really “like” him as a man?

I kept drowning in that endless, unresolved questioning.

Again and again.

Over and over.

In the end, I couldn’t decide which feeling—toward which person—was the real “like.”

There was only one thing I knew for certain:

I am Kudo-kun’s girlfriend.

That was the one thing I couldn’t deny.

So—even when Ichijo-senpai confessed to me, I meant to turn him down.

“I like you. I want you.”

“I also… I think maybe I ‘like’ you too, Ichijo-senpai. But—”

At that moment, my feelings were a tangled mess.

It was true I had feelings for Ichijo-senpai, and I didn’t want to deny them.

But at the same time, I had Kudo-kun—and I didn’t want to answer Ichijo-senpai here and now, only to cast Kudo-kun aside like he meant nothing.

At the very least, I wanted to talk to Kudo-kun properly, slowly, face-to-face.

So I meant to say I couldn’t respond to Ichijo-senpai’s feelings right now.

But I couldn’t finish.

Not to the very end.

“Mm—!”

All of a sudden, Ichijo-senpai stole my lips.

I should’ve pushed him away.

Maybe I should’ve slapped him across the face as hard as I could.

But unbelievably… I didn’t resist at all.

In the most passive, cowardly way—

I affirmed him.

My mind went completely white after that, and everything that followed is hazy in my memory.

From there, I let myself be swept along exactly as Ichijo-senpai wanted.

I did everything.

All of it—just as he told me.

And by the time I finally came back to myself… it was already too late.

It was already a situation I could never take back.

I was seen.

Kudo-kun saw me—coming out of the hotel with Ichijo-senpai.

—

—

When I met Kudo-kun at the family restaurant near the hotel…

There were two paths in front of me.

One was to honestly admit my mistake and tell Kudo-kun we should break up.

The other was to lie—claiming Ichijo-senpai had done things to me without my consent—and selfishly try to keep my relationship with Kudo-kun going.

And the path I chose… was the first.

“I fell in love with someone else. So… please break up with me.”

I’d already made up my mind.

This time, the one who was wrong was me. Completely.

And because of that, there was no way I could dump that responsibility onto someone else.

That was the reason I broke up with Kudo-kun.

I was the kind of woman who deserved to be hated.

In the end… someone like me never should’ve reached for something like love in the first place.

It was too much to ask. A dream.

I should’ve just stayed alone—

and quietly rotted away.

Vol 3 CHAPTER 30: Soliloquy, Recollection ④【Volume 3: Soliloquy, Recollection【Saho Kotobuki POV】】

During Golden Week, after I told Kudo-kun we were done, I spent the whole time on my bed in my dim bedroom.

At first, messages from Ichijo-senpai kept arriving on my phone—inviting me out, one after another. But when I replied, “Please… give me some time to think,” he stopped contacting me before I even realized it.

I did something unforgivable to him.

But—

My real screw-up was uglier than that.

Curled up like I was doing a school gym sit, I kept chewing on my “sin” over and over in my mind.

I thought I was truly a horrible woman.

Because I’d abandoned my boyfriend—and had a relationship with another man.

And yet… I don’t regret it.

Because if I regretted it, I couldn’t face Ichijo-senpai—who told me he “liked” me.

He wanted me, and I answered him.

So the one who’s wrong is me. Only me.

I have to take responsibility.

For three days, I thought and thought and thought—until I reached a conclusion.

First, I would apologize to Kudo-kun. And then I had to make him hate me completely.

He’d probably hurl filthy insults at me.

And I deserved every one of them.

I would accept them with solemn calm.

And after that was over, I decided I would properly reject Ichijo-senpai’s confession.

I’m a terrible woman.

There’s no way a woman like that should be loved by someone like him and be allowed to grab a normal kind of happiness.

Kudo-kun would surely want that, too.

I was the kind of person who shouldn’t be allowed to date. Somehow, I misunderstood everything, got carried away, and caused trouble for everyone. All I could do was reflect.

And once my heart was sorted out, I found myself imagining something impossible.

“One more time… I wanted Kudo-kun to smile at me…”

If I could see that face again—just once—the gentle face I knew would never be turned toward me again… I’m sure I would’ve cried.

But no matter how much I wished for it, I couldn’t have it.

I understood, from the bottom of my heart, that it was a fragile mirage—something that would never be real.

—

—

“After school, give me some time. We need to talk.”

“…Okay.”

At school after Golden Week ended, Kudo-kun said that to me.

His face was stiff—like he was forcing himself to hold back the urge to shout.

Guilt filled my chest.

The moment classes ended, I ran up to the rooftop.

I had to be there before him—anything I could do, even something small like that, was the only chance I had to show sincerity.

When I opened the door, a refreshing blue sky filled my vision.

Bitterly ironic—today was a beautiful May day.

It made me want to cry, like the heavens were bullying me for not caring how I felt.

Before long, Kudo-kun arrived.

“Did I keep you waiting?”

“No.”

A short question. A hard expression.

There was no atmosphere here for bright, friendly conversation.

And that was fine.

If anything, if he was going to show me mercy halfway, I’d rather he spit on me instead.

I was ready.

“What I want to talk about is what happened the other day.”

“……!”

I took a deep breath in, then bowed my head hard.

“I’m sorry.”

There are so many things I want to say.

If I could, I wanted to tell him, “It’s not that I came to hate you.”

But I don’t have the right to speak any words besides “I’m sorry.”

After that, Kudo-kun asked me several questions, and I answered all of them without lifting my head.

Then he said, “It’s about time you looked up. I want to talk properly.”

When I did, he was right there—staring at me with a deadly serious face.

“There’s one question I need to ask you, Kotobuki. It’s really important, so answer honestly.”

And then he asked it.

“You truly ‘like’ Ichijo-senpai… seriously?”

“Yes.”

I answered without hesitation.

Of course I did.

I’d betrayed Kudo-kun and chosen Ichijo-senpai.

There was no way I could say something like “I don’t know if I like him.”

Saying that would be the same as insulting Kudo-kun.

—It’s because I ‘like’ Ichijo-senpai that I allowed him everything.

That had to be true.

“I see…”

Kudo-kun tipped his head back toward the sky.

He was probably so fed up he couldn’t even speak.

Maybe he didn’t want to spend even one more second with someone like me.

And that would be fine.

But if he had something he wanted to say—if he had anger he couldn’t swallow—then I wanted him to throw it all at me.

Because that’s the only thing I could do for him.

“Kotobuki… I—”

I braced myself and looked at him. And then—

“You were my first girlfriend.”

—Huh… why?

His expression was gentle.

He was showing me that kind smile—the one I thought I’d never see again.