Vol 3 CHAPTER 27: Soliloquy, Recollection ①【Volume 3: Soliloquy, Recollection【Saho Kotobuki POV】】

“K-Kotobuki-san! P-please go out wif me!!”

—Ah. He stumbled over his words.

That was my very first impression of that boy—our first meeting.

It was around the winter of my first year after entering the academy.

I—Saho Kotobuki—was called out after school by a boy from the class next door, and he confessed to me like that. I didn’t even know his name.

I asked him to give me time for an answer.

There was no way I could say yes on the spot, but at the same time… it felt wrong to reject him coldly after he’d worked up the courage to confess to someone like me.

We didn’t talk for long, but he seemed like a really nice boy.

More than anything, the way his face was bright red when he spoke to me made it crystal clear he genuinely liked me—and that sincerity even made me feel… happy.

Even so, I had to be careful about my answer.

So, even though I felt bad for him, I went to a friend I trusted and asked for advice.

“Huh? That’s great. Why not just date him for now?”

My friend gave me that advice in an absurdly casual tone.

“‘For now’ is… kind of rude, don’t you think? Like, seriously.”

“Saho, this is exactly why you never have even one romance rumor no matter how much time passes. Go have some青春 already.”

“Mmph—”

“What was it again? Your first crush was the neighbor’s dog or something? That’s not even funny—it’s just… yikes.”

“Agh, come on! I told you to forget that story already!?”

I complained to my friend for dragging up something I didn’t want to hear.

Back when my friends got into one of those “love talk” conversations, I had so little experience that I blurted out something like, “When I was little, I was in love with Kojiro next door.”

In the end, my friends got all excited and grilled me for details until they found out “Kojiro next door” was just a Shiba Inu. And ever since then, I’d earned the nickname “Saho Kotobuki, hopeless at romance.”

“But hey, he wasn’t some creepy guy, right?”

“That’s… yeah.”

“Then, like—girls like you should just start with the form first, you know?”

“Start with the form…?”

I listened to my friend’s idea.

Basically, she was saying that “fall in love first, then date” was obviously going to be hard for me—so I should flip it around and “date first, then fall in love.”

“You can end up falling for him while you’re dating, right? So just try it—pretend you got tricked, okay?”

“But… wouldn’t it be kind of awful for him if I said it was okay to date him with such a halfhearted attitude?”

“How would it be awful? No matter the reason, if you confess and it works out, you’re gonna be happy. Obviously!”

“I-I guess… that’s how it works?”

“That’s how it works!”

And just like that, my friend kept pushing me hard to date the boy. And honestly… the more she said it, the more I couldn’t deny that I was starting to feel… not entirely against it.

“Then… I’ll think about it seriously.”

“That’s the spirit—so? Who was it? Which guy from where confessed to you?”

“I can’t exactly tell you that.”

“Ugh, come on, it’s fine. You already decided you’re gonna date him, right? Then it doesn’t matter if I find out later or now—it’s the same either way.”

I kept brushing her off while she pestered me with “Tell me,” but then she hit me with, “If I recommend some weird guy to my precious friend, that’s a problem! I have a right to know!”

In the end, I caved.

I made her promise—absolutely promise—that she’d keep it secret, and then I told her the boy’s name.

“The boy from the class next door—Arata Kudo-kun.”

The moment I said it, my friend clearly lit up and shouted, “That’s a top-tier catch!!”

Apparently, he was more well-known than I realized. She said he was really smart.

—Huh… so that’s how it is.

While my friend went on and on with “Lucky you!” beside me, I was stuck dealing with a heartbeat that suddenly felt impossible to control—ba-dump, ba-dump.

I never once imagined I’d be dating a boy. With it being my first time, anxiety and anticipation came rushing in all at once.

—Someday… will I really be able to like him, for real?

Back then, I was thinking about things like that so carelessly.

—

Tears come out.

Yeah… I mess up all the time, but… I’m sure this was my very first mistake.

I never should have accepted his confession.

Because I wasn’t some wonderful person—someone worthy of being told “I like you” by him.

No matter how much I regret it, I can’t regret it enough.

Vol 3 CHAPTER 28: Soliloquy, Recollection ②【Volume 3: Soliloquy, Recollection【Saho Kotobuki POV】】

Kudo-kun and I officially started dating. And once we did, I realized something right away—he was a truly wonderful boy.

He was smart, and talking to him was fun. He was kind, and he had a good reputation for his personality, too.

And more than anything, he showed me—through his actions—that he liked me.

He treated me with so much care.

No matter what it was, he always watched out for me, always worried about me, always tried to respect what I wanted. It was like he treated me as if I were a princess from some fantasy world. It was embarrassing, sure—but there was no way I didn’t feel happy.

Anyone would be happy to have someone who makes you feel special.

And yet, every time I felt his “I like you,” I’d be overwhelmed by this terrible sense of guilt.

—I’m not the kind of girl you think I am, Kudo-kun.

If I could just say that, how much easier would it be?

It was nothing more than a complaint born from my lack of confidence. But even so—how could I say something that cruel to someone who told me he liked me?

In the end, I pushed myself a little, thinking I had to act like the kind of girl he expected. It wasn’t that it was “exhausting,” exactly—that might be overstating it—but it did become a life where I couldn’t let my guard down, day after day.

This isn’t good, I thought.

At the very least, I wanted to be able to give him feelings that matched his “I like you.”

If I could do that, then I wouldn’t get tired of playing the role of who he wanted me to be—instead, I’d probably be able to work positively toward becoming his ideal girl.

And for that to happen… I had to come to “like” him.

—But how?

That’s where I always got stuck.

I just couldn’t understand the feeling of “liking” someone romantically. I thought I understood it on a logical level, but I was overwhelmingly short on experience—so I had no real sense of it.

What does it feel like… to “like” someone?

It was practically philosophy.

While I was dating Kudo-kun, I was constantly thinking about things like that.

And then, one day—

“I’ll have the hamburg steak plate, please.”

“Ma’am… I’m terribly sorry, but—”

It was when Kudo-kun and I went on a lunch date on a day off. Since we were students and didn’t have much money, we relied a lot on family restaurants. That day, the restaurant had some kind of problem, and apparently the “hamburg steak” was sold out.

I figured it was probably a mis-order or something.

I didn’t really think much of it—just, “Oh, I see.”

But Kudo-kun made the weirdest face.

A face like the world had ended.

Seeing it, I muttered without thinking, “Kojiro?” Somehow, at that moment, his expression looked exactly like the neighbor’s dog—like Kojiro from next door—when he’d been told “stay” and had his favorite treat taken away.

When I couldn’t hold it in anymore and started snickering, Kudo-kun said, embarrassed, “I like hamburg steak, okay.”

I replied, “Oh, really.”

It was his number one favorite—of course I should remember that.

And then, just as I was about to dig into the pineapple salad I’d ordered, Kudo-kun asked me—dead serious.

“Um… who is ‘Kojiro’?”

“…You wanna know?”

“Yeah. Very much.”

“My first love.”

“S-So it’s like that… I mean, uh, what am I even supposed to say—”

“He was handsome. A Shiba Inu, though.”

“A dog!?”

We both burst out laughing.