My Popular-as-Hell Best Friend Is Annoying, So I Want to Get Him a Girlfriend and Shut Him Up

Chapter 3: Revision

Letter:

Hello, my name is Kirita Akari from Class 2-D.

Ever since I saw you playing basketball at the sports festival,

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.

I like you, Aoyagi-kun.

If you have some time, I’d love to talk with you just once.

Thank you for reading this to the end.

“…”

“So, um, what do you think?”

Reading the letter Kirita Akari wrote, I was left utterly speechless.

Unbelievable. How could someone trying to confess to another person produce such garbage? Does this girl even want to get close to Uryu? If she does, I genuinely feel sorry for the cherry-blossom-decorated stationery she used.

“It’s a zero. No question.”

“Zero!?”

Kirita Akari looked deeply shocked by my score. But I’ve got to harden my heart and lay it out for her.

“Obviously! What a self-indulgent letter. Do you seriously think this would catch a guy’s attention? Or maybe you’re one of those people who thinks just handing over a letter will magically get you a boyfriend?”

“I don’t think that! Why do you have to be so harsh!?”

“Then put yourself in Uryu’s shoes. What kind of person would he think wrote this letter?”

“What kind of… huh?”

“There’s nothing in here about who you are. How’s Uryu supposed to feel anything for you with this?”

Not to mention, the whole bit about how she fell for him is completely unnecessary. That walking pheromone dispenser doesn’t give a damn about why someone likes him.

“For starters, don’t you have anything about yourself that might catch Uryu’s interest? Like, can you breathe fire or turn into a werewolf under a full moon?”

“What do you take me for!?”

“I don’t know! I’m saying give me something impactful!”

“Even if you say that out of nowhere…”

Kirita Akari tilted her head, but there’s no way I’d know her strengths when we’ve barely met. If we’re talking physical traits, I could maybe judge based on what’s in front of me…

“…You’ve got pretty big boobs, huh?”

“!?”

Kirita Akari instantly backed away from me. Taking in her full figure from a distance, she’s got a rather provocative body—curves in all the right places. It’s hard to tell under the winter uniform, but this is definitely a strong point.

“That’s one thing, but don’t you have any other strengths?”

“W-Wait, strengths? What did you just…?”

“If you’ve got nothing else, we’ll have to build around this. Give me three minutes.”

“Huh? W-What?”

Ignoring the flustered Kirita Akari, I started writing on the back of the stationery.

This is no different from crafting a radio show submission—exaggerate to grab attention first. With that in mind, what else could I possibly write?

Revised Letter:

Yo, Uryu ☆ By reading this letter,

you’ve already wandered into Akari-chan’s enchantment zone!

No escape for you—I’ll wrap you up tight with these bountiful breasts, whoosh!

Now you’re Akari’s, you’re claimed by the Akari who loves you.

So when are you coming to pick me up? I’m waiting in the D-cup zone.

“This makes me sound like a total slut!?”

After reading my revised letter, Kirita Akari shouted, sounding utterly mortified.

“Some people might see it that way.”

“Some people!? Anyone would think that! And what’s with this tone? Even old-school mobile novels wouldn’t write like this!”

“I’m telling you, writing all polite and wordy won’t stick in that guy’s head!”

“That’s the first I’m hearing of it!”

“My bad, then!”

I went out of my way to craft a perfect revision, and this girl won’t even listen. Creating this much impact with just her bust size as a hook? This is top-tier quality and sex appeal. Is she missing, like, 500 screws in her head or something?

Ugh, this isn’t going anywhere today. She needs time to cool off.

“Tomorrow, same time.”

“Huh?”

“You’ll understand what I’m saying after a day. I’ll show up again, so bring another letter. I’ll think about other good approaches in the meantime.”

“…Fine. I’ll write another letter, so please look at it.”

Looks like my passionate resolve got through to her. She’ll definitely see the perfection of my writing now.

I’m not done here, either. Honestly, trying to convey who you are through a letter alone has its limits. I’ve got to find a better way for her to express it, no matter what.

Be grateful, Kirita Akari. Since you came to me, I’ll make damn sure that you get that one yes from him.