Chapter 16 – I Accidentally Became a Sadistic Bully, So the Homeless King Offered Me a Minion?!

The dusty arena was dead silent. I stared blankly at the smoking pile of expensive robotic scrap metal. My bare knuckles did not hurt in the slightest.

The massive crowd of elite students stared down at me in pure terror. They honestly thought I was a sadistic and cruel monster. They genuinely believed I enjoyed torturing the crying blue-haired girl. I did not care about their toxic opinions. My tired brain was focused on a massive culinary tragedy.

The beautiful artisan sourdough starter back in my luxury dorm was currently dying. I had lovingly named the bubbling yeast mixture Doughy. Doughy was a delicate and needy living organism. He required strict ambient temperature control and exact timing. I had already missed the crucial forty-minute folding window. The beautiful dough was over-proofing right this exact second. It was going to turn into a sad puddle of sour mush. A perfectly good batch of premium wheat flour was ruined.

This stupid magical duel was an unforgivable crime against baking.

Sakura squeezed my left bicep with terrifying, raw physical strength. Her bright red hair floated menacingly in the cold morning air. Her glowing crimson eyes scanned the terrified crowd for potential murder victims.

“You broke her completely.”

“I just wanted to go home and check my dough.”

“You are so wonderfully cruel to your pathetic enemies.”

“I am not cruel.”

“You let her think she had a chance before crushing her soul.”

“I just punched a piece of metal.”

The short academy referee stumbled forward on violently shaking legs. He clutched his glowing magical clipboard to his chest like a weak shield. He looked at the crying girl sitting in the dusty arena dirt. He looked at my average face and flinched visibly. He cleared his throat with a pathetic, terrified squeak.

“Student Elara Voss. You have officially lost the sanctioned challenge duel.”

She looked up with wide, devastated blue eyes. Tears cut clean tracks through the dark engine grease on her pale cheeks. The entire massive stadium held its collective breath in anticipation.

“Furthermore, you brought illegal off-world contraband onto academy grounds. You destroyed ancient, expensive school property. By order of the high academy board, you are hereby stripped of your elite status. You are officially expelled from the S-Rank tier. I am assigning you to the absolute lowest F-Rank slums.”

The cruel words echoed loudly across the cracked marble floor. Elara dropped her head back into her heavily bruised hands. She sobbed with broken, ugly gasps.

The massive crowd erupted into vicious whispers. They turned on her instantly like a starving wolf pack. The elite nobles loved watching a desperate underdog fail.

Elara curled into a tight ball in the dirty arena dust. Ten agonizing years of intense magical study were gone. Her academic dream was shattered into a million tiny pieces.

I actually felt a sharp pang of genuine human guilt. I just wanted to punch a giant robot and go bake normal bread. I did not want to ruin her entire academic life forever.

Sakura leaned her soft head against my shoulder and smiled sweetly.

“She got exactly what she deserved for threatening my precious treasure.”

“This is way too harsh.”

“The weak must be utterly crushed by the absolute strong.”

“That is a messed up worldview.”

“It is the only worldview that keeps you perfectly safe.”

A loud, annoying scraping noise interrupted the heavy magical drama. It sounded like a giant boulder being dragged across rough stone. The massive iron gates of the combat arena swung wide open. A man in a heavily stained gray trench coat wandered onto the battlefield. He dragged a massive, jagged gray rock behind him with zero physical effort. The legendary holy sword was still firmly stuck inside the ugly stone.

Professor Arthur looked utterly exhausted. His messy black hair stuck out in twenty different weird directions. He wore mismatched fuzzy socks and dirty sandals. He held a half-empty bottle of dark soda in his free hand. He took a very long, lazy sip.

“You kids are making way too much noise. I was trying to take a peaceful nap in the faculty lounge. The massive explosions ruined my chill vibe.”

He dropped the heavy gray rock onto the dirt with a loud thud. The entire stadium fell dead silent once again. The elite nobles had no idea who this dirty vagrant was. They stared at him in unadulterated confusion.

The referee stared at the homeroom teacher in total disbelief.

“Sir, this is a highly restricted and officially sanctioned combat zone.”

“I do not care.”

Arthur walked right past the violently shaking official. He stopped directly in front of the destroyed sci-fi mecha. He poked a sparking metal panel with his cheap sandal.

“This is a massive administrative mess.”

He turned his tired brown eyes toward the crying blue-haired girl.

“You made a very loud noise.”

“I lost absolutely everything today.”

“You lost a stupid school ranking. School rankings are fake and completely meaningless.”

The elite S-Rank students gasped loudly in offended horror. They based their entire arrogant personalities on their glowing golden badges.

“The referee just expelled me to the dirty F-Rank slums.”

Elara wiped her runny nose with her greasy denim sleeve. Arthur let out a massive, incredibly deep sigh of pure laziness.

“Academy paperwork is a literal nightmare to properly process.”

He looked directly at me with a deadpan expression.

“You caused this administrative headache, Dylan.”

“I was just defending myself from a giant laser robot!”

“You punched it way too hard.”

“It was a normal punch.”

“Now I have to fill out thirty pages of official property damage reports. I am way too lazy to do that kind of intense manual labor.”

Arthur pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his dirty coat pocket. It looked exactly like a greasy napkin from a cheap fast food restaurant. He flattened the greasy napkin against the heavy gray rock.

“There is an obscure school loophole. The SSS-Rank students possess absolute academic immunity. You guys are basically untouchable living legends.”

The massive crowd leaned forward in silent anticipation. Arthur yawned loudly and stretched his thin arms.

“The academy board lets you do whatever you want. An SSS-Rank can legally claim any lower-ranked student. You can formally draft her as your personal academic assistant.”

He pointed a dirty finger at the sobbing girl on the ground. Elara stopped crying and looked up in utter confusion. The heavy words hung silently in the dusty arena air.

“If you claim her, she keeps her S-Rank status by proxy. She becomes your official academic servant.”

The entire stadium erupted into massive shouts of pure outrage.

“That is totally unfair!”

“He cannot just rescue a failed student!”

Sakura stepped in front of me with terrifying athletic speed. Her magical aura flared into a suffocating dark cloud of pure death. She pulled a solid silver throwing knife from her pristine uniform skirt.

“My Dylan does not need a pathetic blue-haired servant. I will gladly provide every single service my perfect king requires.”

She pointed the sharp blade directly at Elara’s terrified face.

“If this trash bug comes anywhere near our luxury penthouse, I will bury her.”

Elara flinched and scrambled backward in the loose dirt. She was completely terrified of the unhinged red-haired princess. Arthur ignored the deadly yandere threat. He took another loud slurp of his cheap dark soda.

“You really want to claim her, Dylan.”

“I absolutely do not want an academic assistant.”

I raised my bare hands in a desperate gesture of refusal.

“I just want to be left alone to bake normal bread.”

My sourdough was already ruined beyond repair. I did not want any more weird magical drama in my daily life.

“She tried to vaporize me with glowing plasma cannons.”

“She was just having a bad day.”

Arthur shrugged his narrow shoulders carelessly. Elara stared at me with wide, desperate eyes. Her entire academic future was suddenly hanging by a thin thread. If I refused, she was banished to the slums forever. If I accepted, she became the personal servant of her worst enemy. It was a humiliating, toxic choice.

The S-Rank nobles in the high stands were furious. They hated the idea of a bottom-tier loser getting a free pass. They hated me even more for possessing the ultimate power to save her. The scarred guy punched the stone wall of the bleachers in pure anger.

“Do not do it, you privileged slacker!”

The elf-eared girl screamed at the very top of her lungs.

“Let her rot in the F-Rank trash where she belongs!”

They were all awful, problematic people. I really hated this corrupt school system. But I also really hated dealing with annoying people. Having a resentful girl following me around sounded awful. I opened my mouth to formally reject the offer.

Arthur stepped incredibly close to my average face. He leaned in and whispered directly into my right ear. His hot breath smelled exactly like cheap sugar and deep regret.

“Listen to me right now, you flour-covered idiot. Being in the absolute top tier requires massive amounts of stupid paperwork. The academy board demands weekly progress reports and complex magical essays.”

He tapped the greasy napkin against my cotton shirt. I felt a cold chill run down my spine. I hated doing boring school homework. I had spent all my study time researching complex pastry lamination techniques. I had absolutely no idea how to write a long magic theory essay. Arthur smiled a lazy, brilliant smile. He poked my chest with a very dirty fingernail.

“If you draft a personal academic assistant, they have to do all your homework. She has to carry your heavy bags and fill out all your official forms. That means you have zero academic responsibilities.”

My eyes went incredibly wide as the pure genius of the plan hit me.

“Zero responsibilities means unlimited free time.”

Arthur nodded his messy head slowly.

“Unlimited free time means you can take massive undisturbed naps. Or in your weird case, bake an insane amount of bread.”

My heart hammered wildly and happily in my chest. A dedicated assistant to handle all the boring school nonsense sounded perfect. No more sitting through terrible magical lectures. No more writing long essays about fake elemental alignments. I could spend every single waking hour in my private stainless steel kitchen. I could perfectly execute my French baguette recipe without any interruptions. This was legitimately the greatest deal in the history of the world.

I looked down at Elara sitting in the dusty dirt. She looked completely defeated and utterly miserable.

“Are you good at writing boring magic essays?”

She blinked her tear-filled eyes in pure shock.

“I studied advanced magical theory for ten straight years. I always get perfect grades on my written exams.”

“I will formally claim her as my personal assistant.”

My voice echoed loudly across the silent combat arena. The massive crowd exploded into absolute chaotic rage. They screamed toxic insults and threw empty cups into the pit. Elara just stared at me with her jaw completely unhinged. She could not process the fact that I just saved her academic life. Sakura grabbed my arm and dug her sharp nails painfully into my skin.

“I am going to poison her first meal.”

“You are absolutely not poisoning my new homework robot.”

“She is filthy and unworthy of your glorious presence.”

“She is going to do all my annoying paperwork.”

Sakura paused and tilted her head slightly to the left. Her deeply terrifying yandere logic found a highly acceptable romantic loophole.

“That means you will have more free time to spend entirely with me. We can bake bread together all day long.”

She smiled her incredibly unhinged and beautifully sweet smile again. The terrifying crisis was finally averted for today. I turned around to finally leave the dusty, ruined arena.

“The absolute true king does not need a pathetic mechanic!”

A loud, delusional voice shattered the peaceful moment. A guy with glowing blond hair leaped gracefully over the arena wall. He landed heavily in the dirt with a loud metallic clank. Leo wore thick golden armor that reflected the bright sun directly into my eyes. He struck a dramatic, ridiculous heroic pose. He planted both of his heavy metal gauntlets firmly on his hips.

“A golden hero must only surround himself with legendary warriors!”

“I absolutely do not have time for this nonsense right now.”

“The dark abyss claims all weak and pathetic souls.”

Thick black smoke poured aggressively from the opposite side of the pit. Dantalion floated exactly two inches off the cracked marble floor. He wore entirely black robes and glared with glowing red eyes. The edgy dark lord crossed his skinny arms over his spiked chest plate.

“I will consume her pathetic mechanical failures with my shadow magic.”

The two annoying SSS-Rank idiots had officially arrived. They completely ruined my peaceful exit strategy. Leo drew his glowing silver replica sword with a sharp metallic ring.

“I will banish your dark stench from this holy arena.”

Dantalion gathered a pathetic cloud of purple dark energy in his pale hands.

“My supreme demonic power will crush your bright optimism into dust.”

They immediately started walking aggressively toward each other across the dirt. They completely ignored me and the confused blue-haired girl. Arthur laid down flat on his back in the middle of the dusty arena. He rested his tired head against the heavy gray rock. He pulled his dirty trench coat over his lazy face.

“Wake me up when these exhausting idiots are done screaming.”

I stared blankly at the absolute madness unfolding around me.