Chapter 9: The Tragedy—or Miracle—of Niagara

“Repeat after me. Bitch! Eat shit!”

Kaoru-senpai spat the words out with the look of someone cursing a sworn enemy.

I had no idea what “bitch eat shit” meant. But what I did know, with perfect clarity, was that Kaoru-senpai was a pervert.

“Kaoru-senpai, I may be an idiot, but even I can tell those are dirty words.”

For anyone sensitive to crude humor, now would be a good time to quietly close your browser. Because this student council’s brand of dirty humor is on another level. This is a danger zone for all but the toughest souls prepared to face any and all kinds of lewd jokes.

I was currently in the student council room, getting tutored in English by Kaoru-senpai.

Ever since starting my second year, I hadn’t scored anything but failing grades, and my English teacher had finally given me an ultimatum. I’ll likely never forget the look of deadly seriousness in his eyes as he spoke slowly, breaking up each word: “Suda-kun, you. are. really. in. deep. trouble?”

And so, I had gone crying to Kaoru-senpai. I’d heard she was one of the top-ranking students in our year. Plus, she didn’t have a nonsensical teaching style like Misaki-chan, who would skip steps one and two and jump straight to five. She would be serious about teaching me. She seemed perfect for the role of tutor.

But that was my mistake. Panicked by the very real threat of having to repeat the year, I never should have sought help from someone who was a next-level pervert.

“By the way, the President and the others are late, aren’t they?” A glance at the clock told me it had already been an hour since all classes ended for the day.

“I suppose so,” Kaoru-senpai replied, her voice disinterested.

I’d already heard the reason for the President’s tardiness.

Apparently, during home economics today, she had unilaterally changed the cooking class menu, declaring, “A present for Shin-chan to win his affection!” While every other group was kneading hamburger patties, the President was kneading a giant piece of hard candy, completely derailing the class.

For that, the President was now being lectured.

What is that pipsqueak thinking?

Neither Momoyama nor Misaki-chan had arrived yet.

For now, it was just me and Kaoru-senpai.

Resting her cheek on her hand, Kaoru-senpai stared intently at me.

A faint smile played on her lips. It looked to be one of confidence.

The way her lustrous black hair was tied back seemed alluring. She didn’t look like a high schooler at all. She wore an aura of “adult charm.”

“Do you hate being alone with me?” Kaoru-senpai asked. Her composure never broke. It felt like she was implying, That’s not it, is it? And I had a feeling that if I were to say, “No, I don’t hate it,” her verbal assault would only accelerate.

“Uh, well, umm…” My face was hot. Of course I didn’t hate being alone with Kaoru-senpai. But I was a little nervous. I couldn’t look her directly in the face.

As my gaze darted around, Kaoru-senpai suddenly spoke.

“Shinichi, you know you can be much harder on me, right?”

My nervousness vanished in an instant, and I felt the approach of cringe.

Hello there, Cringe. We meet again.

Wait, was this her goal? Is she saying something this stupid just to ease my tension?

If so, her plan was a success. But seeing Kaoru-senpai fidgeting and glancing up at me expectantly, it seemed she genuinely just wanted to talk about S&M. She was a pervert.

It was just as I was telling her, “If you don’t shut up, I’m sewing your mouth closed,” and she was writhing with an ecstatic expression, that it happened.

The door suddenly rattled open, and our advisor, Mizushima-sensei, poked her head in.

She’d notified us she would be coming today, so her visit was expected.

“Oh? Just the two of you today? Shin-chan, have you been a good boy?”

“Ah. Yes.”

Mizushima-sensei doted on me to an abnormal degree, but for some reason, she always treated me like a child. She came over to my spot and started patting my head, saying things like, “Studying hard? What a good boy.” I’m pretty sure the people who aren’t getting failing grades are the more impressive ones, but that sort of thing didn’t matter to Mizushima-sensei. It didn’t matter that my notebook had “BITCH EAT SHIT” written in it. As long as she had a reason to praise me, the content was probably irrelevant.

After a bit of small talk, Mizushima-sensei turned to Kaoru-senpai and said, “Actually, I have a small favor to ask.”

♦︎

Kaoru-senpai and I were walking toward the equipment shed.

Following her, I asked, “Where was the equipment shed again?”

“It’s a little ways away from the school building. A place students don’t usually go.”

Mizushima-sensei’s favor was for us to bring back one desk and chair from the equipment shed.

Since we were just waiting around anyway, we agreed without a second thought. We left the student council room, which was all well and good, but I had no idea where the shed was. I followed Kaoru-senpai like a goldfish’s shadow.

Just as Kaoru-senpai had said, we got farther and farther from the school building. It was only now that I was realizing it, but this high school’s grounds were surprisingly vast. So much so that every spring, you could see first-years who had gotten lost.

We walked for a while, chatting idly.

When the school building had shrunk to a small silhouette, the target building finally came into view. It was a small, concrete-built shed—the equipment shed.

Why would it be built way out here? It was a mystery. And the location wasn’t the only puzzling thing. Its construction was also bizarre. It was bent at a 90-degree angle, like a boomerang—or you could say L-shaped—and while it wasn’t very wide, it was abnormally tall. It was like a wall that suddenly jutted up from the side of the path.

“What is this creepy structure?” I said, taking a step closer to Kaoru-senpai. It-it’s not that I was scared. It was just… you know. Just because.

Kaoru-senpai grinned knowingly. “Are you scared?”

“I’m not scared,” I said, yet for some reason, she patted my head. I brushed her hand away and went ahead to the shed’s entrance. I was reaching for the door when I noticed something.

“There’s, uh, a bunch of chains and a padlock on this thing.”

“Apparently, if it’s not locked, it becomes a demerit when the higher-ups do their inspections. But normally, it’s like this—”

Kaoru-senpai easily removed the chain.

“—the padlock’s open.”

“That’s completely pointless.”

She shrugged, then opened the door.

We went inside.

It was dusty and dim. In the light filtering through a ridiculously high window, the dust seemed to squirm as if it were alive.

As I was coughing, Kaoru-senpai turned to me and offered a handkerchief. “Use this.” It was a Japanese-style handkerchief with a cherry blossom petal pattern. When I held it to my mouth, it had a floral scent.

Kaoru-senpai and I surveyed the shed’s interior, starting from the area nearest the entrance.

Things we never used, like lawnmowers, small generators, and shovels, were scattered about. You could tell at a glance that it was a place where unused items were just shoved in one after another.

We looked all the way to the bend in the shed but found no desks.

“There aren’t any,” I said, and she replied, “Look over there.”

Kaoru-senpai was facing from the bend toward the far back wall. I followed her gaze.

There, at the very back of the shed, I could see a large number of desks piled up. There were chairs nearby, too.

“Whoa. They’re at the very back, Kaoru-senpai. This is going to be a pain to get out.”

The path was completely congested with junk. It didn’t look like this was going to be a simple matter of grabbing one desk and being done.

“Well. Can’t be helped. If we don’t do it, the teacher will just complain again. Shinichi, you can wait outside. I’ll get it out—”

Both Kaoru-senpai and I were completely focused on the desks. That was probably our mistake.

It happened while Kaoru-senpai was still speaking.

A sound suddenly echoed through the space.

GRR-GRR-GRR-GRR-GRR-GRR-GRR!

CLANG!

click.

Kaoru-senpai, her back still to me, had frozen in place. You could say she was petrified. And silent.

I, too, was doing everything I could just to grasp the situation.

My mind reeled as I desperately tried to think.

Hey.

Is this… Don’t tell me.

The classic…

LOCKED-IN-A-SHED-EVENT IS HEEEEEEERE!

I was ecstatic.

Ever since coming to this world, it’s all I’d ever thought about.

I’d always wanted to be locked in a gym shed with a beautiful girl and get all lovey-dovey.

Ahh, right now, I’m totally nailing the role of a dating sim protagonist.

Thank you, God.

Kaoru-senpai turned to face me.

As expected, she seemed a little shaken.

Before she could say anything, I spoke.

“Kaoru-senpai! Kaoru-senpai! We’ve been locked in!”

“Ah, yeah. By the way, Shinichi, why do you look so happy about it?”

Kaoru-senpai had a genuine “Oh no. What do we do?” look on her face.

First, she stuck a hand in her pocket and turned it inside out. All that came out was a pack of tissues and some gum.

“Damn, my phone is in the student council room…!” she muttered, looking frustrated.

Next, she began searching the shed.

The window, located even higher than our heads, wasn’t big enough for a person to fit through.

I followed her lead and started searching, too.

I checked the entrance door.

“How’s the door?” Kaoru-senpai asked while still checking the window.

“No good. The ventilation slats lead outside, but I can barely fit my fingers through. There’s no way a person could get through.”

Eventually, we gave up and sat down on the floor.

Alright, the stage is set. Time to begin. Our rom-com!

I sat down next to Kaoru-senpai—close enough for our shoulders to touch.

And then I said it.

“Kaoru-senpai… I’m scared.” As I spoke, I rested my head on her shoulder. I could feel her body heat on my cheek, even through her blouse. It was warm.

“I-I-I-It’s okay, Shinichi. H-H-Help will come, soon.” Kaoru-senpai was completely stiff, her body rigid with tension.

But no matter how long I waited, there was no action from her. The only thing that changed was that her breathing grew heavier.

Tch, you useless wimp!

After cursing her in my head, I moved on to my next tactic.

With my head on her shoulder, my gaze fell upon the nape of her beautiful neck.

Okay, right there.

Once I had my target, from point-blank range, I let out a soft whoosh of air.

“Y-Nghh,” she let out a surprisingly cute moan.

I kept blowing with all my lung capacity, but Kaoru-senpai just turned red all the way to her neck and trembled. No further movement.

Tch, you dense blockhead!

Again, I cursed her in my mind.

Next! On to the next one!

I spoke in a whisper, right next to her ear. “I’m starting to get cold…” Without missing a beat, I looked her in the eyes. “Senpai, warm me up.”

My expectations had reached their absolute peak.

Come on! Hurry up and hug me! Hug me and then kiss me, and then, um, uh, whatever, just do something lewd!

Surprisingly, this time Kaoru-senpai didn’t seem very flustered.

“I guess it can’t be helped,” she said, turning to face me. Contrary to her words, she was smiling gently, like a mother whose child was begging to be held.

My excitement shot through the roof.

thump-thump

My pulse quickened, and my breathing grew shallow. The tension mounted.

Kaoru-senpai’s hands slowly approached. I swallowed hard, gulp, and closed my eyes.

My lips puckered unconsciously. I realized it and tried to pull them back, but I felt like they were still sticking out a little. This was my first kiss, after all. A virgin like me had no idea what the proper receiving posture for a kiss was.

However, the contact on my lips that I was waiting for never came. Instead, I felt a warm sensation on my arm.

I slowly opened my eyes. Kaoru-senpai was gripping my arm, sandwiching it between both of her hands. A form of contact I’d never seen in any romance movie or manga. What kind of technique was that?

It was just as I was about to open my mouth to speak.

Kaoru-senpai, whose expression had been so gentle, suddenly let out a roar like a wild beast.

“UWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!”

While letting out a battle cry, Kaoru-senpai rubbed me.

My arm, my shoulder, my back—she rubbed them with incredible speed. She rubbed me like crazy. In Monster Hunter terms, it was a flurry of blows on par with a Dual Blades’ Demon Mode.

There was no room for anything erotic to take place.

All that existed was a rubbing, like an old man’s dry towel massage.

I mean, I get what she was trying to do.

She was trying to warm me up with friction heat.

But, Kaoru-senpai.

That’s not it.

That is so not it!

What I wanted wasn’t some old man’s health remedy. Why is it that you, who are normally all about lewd things, would pick this moment of all times to not be lewd?

“Hah… hah… hah… hah. How’s that, Shinichi?”

“Ah. Yes. That’s more than enough. Thank you.”

Operation Lovey-Dovey Romance had ended in failure.

—But the real tragedy, or comedy—or romance—was only just beginning.

To be continued