Chapter 8: That Thing is Gone!

“The culprit is… Shin-chan. It’s you, isn’t it.”

Momoyama’s slender finger was pointed straight at me.

On cue, every member of the student council turned to face me.

In the dead silent student council room, the sound of my own breathing felt deafeningly loud.

“Whoa, whoa. There’s no way it was me—”

“—Silence!”

My words were cut off with a single, sharp command.

Don’t you “Silence!” me. You’re not even going to let me explain myself, you bungling detective? Even that Kindaichi kid or Conan-kun would at least hear someone out.

“I see right through you, Shin-chan… right through your, um, th-that thing… every little lick… and slurp… and suck!” Momoyama declared, blushing. If you’re going to get embarrassed, maybe you shouldn’t say it.

Don’t go quoting Nakama Yukie from Trick while mixing in a bunch of lewd words. Nakama-san would never start her big reveal in such a vulgar way.

And saying “that thing” just makes it sound even dirtier! My “that thing,” like a wild deer reacting to a sound, raised its head for just a moment. Mine stands up as quickly as a wild deer, so I have to be careful.

As for why I was being framed as the culprit, it all started about half an hour ago.

It happened on a gloomy Monday afternoon, right after all of us had gathered in the student council room and the President, like a complete idiot, blurted out, “So, what should we do for fun today?”

“Huh?! Wh… It’s gone!? It’s gone! President! The emergency ‘that thing’ is gone!” Momoyama shouted from a stepladder, having just opened the top cupboard of a shelf in the student council room.

“What? ‘That thing,’ you mean, that thing?! Wh-whaaat?! No way!”

Somehow, the President understood completely, and she started to panic.

What the heck is ‘that thing’?

“Impossible! I know it was there on Friday! I checked myself before I left, I’m sure of it!” Kaoru-senpai rushed over to the foot of the stepladder with a furious look on her face. “Let me see,” she said, climbing up only to be left speechless.

“It really is gone…!”

Misaki-chan’s eyebrows drooped sadly.

“This is a problem… If ‘that thing’ is gone, what are we supposed to do if that happens today…?” she mumbled, looking down at the floor.

“Whoa. Wait, wait, wait. What is this ‘that thing’ you’re all talking about? How come you all get it and I don’t?”

The feeling of being left out was intense. I was the only one with no clue what was going on, unable to share in their sorrow and despair. And I’m the Vice President, for crying out loud. I may have been forced into the position, but I’m still a student council officer. I should have the right to know what ‘that thing’ is.

I asked them all, my tone turning slightly accusatory.

The four girls all looked at each other. What should we do? Might as well, right? I imagined them thinking. The sense of alienation inside me began to swell. What gives, what gives, leaving me out like this!

Having reached an apparent consensus, they all turned toward me at once and said in unison:

“Condoms.”

“………………Huh?”

My brain can’t keep up. Condoms? You mean like, for birth control? Wait, what do you mean “emergency condoms”?! Why are condoms being kept in stock in the student council room like they’re standard equipment?! No, hold on. Maybe “condom” has another meaning besides the contraceptive one? Is it some kind of specialized disaster-preparedness tool? Crap, is this a trick question? Is this a trap to smoke out the virgins?

Sensing my confusion, Momoyama began to explain.

“When it comes to sex, it’s a woman’s duty to provide the condom, you know. But if you’re always carrying one around, people might think you’re a playgirl, right? So, just in case a situation like that ever happened in this room, we all chipped in and bought some for emergencies.”

So they really were for birth control! And another thing, I’m the only guy who ever comes into this room! What are you talking about, “in case a situation like that ever happened in this room,” right in front of me? Are you an idiot!

Suddenly, I stopped caring. “Well then, the answer’s simple, isn’t it?” I said, dismissively. “One of you took the condoms and went and did the deed with some guy, end of story.”

My own words made my chest tighten a little. The thought of any of them doing that with some other guy… I didn’t like it.

—But then,

“No, that’s not it.”

“Yeah. Impossible.”

“Uh-uh. No way.”

“We are not that easy.”

All four of them denied it in unison, looking slightly offended.

I secretly breathed a sigh of relief. By the way, why are they mad?

“But, if that’s the case, then who could have taken them?” Misaki-chan said, tilting her head quizzically. When a beautiful half-Japanese girl does a gesture like that, it really makes your heart skip a beat. So cute.

You should ditch the weird antics and just be like this forever.

Everyone fell silent, their faces wearing puzzled looks.

It was Kaoru-senpai who broke the silence.

“Could it be that this is a form of harassment against the student council?”

“Harassment?”

Kaoru-senpai nodded. “Yes. The culprit couldn’t stand the fact that Shinichi, the idol of this school, is a member of the student council.”

“Uh, wait. I’m an idol?” I tried to interject, but they paid me no mind.

“So, the culprit decides to harass the student council. For example, let’s say one of the members starts getting close with Shinichi, and they’re finally about to have their ultimate final-battle sex right here in this room.”

“Please don’t have your ultimate final-battle sex in the student council room.” My retort was, as expected, ignored.

Kaoru-senpai continued.

“The sex is at its peak! It’s time for insertion! But when they open the cupboard, the condoms that are supposed to be there are gone! While they’re panicking, Shinichi goes soft and leaves. With that, the school idol’s chastity is protected. How about that? Isn’t that what happened?”

I don’t know how to respond when you ask me, “How about that?”

The power phrase “sex at its peak” was stuck in my head, preventing any rational thought. No matter how many times I tried to picture the scene, some weird old man in a suit would just burst in shouting, “And now, though the sex may be at its peak…”

“But, hold on,” the President said. “Only student council members are supposed to know that we even have these condoms, right? If your theory is correct, Kaoru, that means the culprit has to be one of us.”

The President’s words made the air in the room grow tense. We all started glancing at each other, trying to size one another up.

She had a point.

Kaoru-senpai’s hypothesis wouldn’t work unless the culprit knew about the condoms in the first place.

Kaoru-senpai gave a single nod. “You’re right,” she said, retracting her theory without a fight.

And that’s when the bungling detective began her rampage.

Momoyama suddenly gasped, covering her mouth with both hands. It’s a minor point, but the students at this school really seem to love their theatrical gestures.

After a long, dramatic pause, Momoyama whispered.

“I… I think I know what happened.”

Slowly, Momoyama began to walk around the student council room.

Does she really need to be walking right now? is a question no one dared to ask.

If you looked closely, you could see Momoyama’s mouth moving slightly. Was she muttering something? I strained my ears to listen.

“Da-da, da-daaan, da-da-da-da-daaan…♪

Da-da, da-daaan, da-da-da-da-daaan…♪”

She’s singing it! She’s singing the BGM from The Kindaichi Case Files herself!

Stop it, Momoyama! That’s going to become a cringe memory you’ll never live down! I guarantee you’ll regret this!

Whether my prayers were answered or she was simply satisfied with her detective routine, Momoyama stopped singing the BGM and began to speak with a composed look on her face.

“The President was right. The culprit was a member of the student council.”

The President objected. “Whaaat?! Is there really someone in this group who would try to sabotage one of their own like that?!”

The President seemed to have a great deal of faith in the student council members.

But as someone who watches these four sabotage each other on a daily basis, my only answer could be, Yes, there is.

However, Momoyama’s deduction was heading in a different direction.

“No, that’s not it. In the first place, the motive for taking the condoms wasn’t ‘harassment’.”

“Then what was the purpose?” Misaki-chan asked.

Momoyama declared.

“It was to ‘try one on’.”

Whoa, hold on. What is she talking about? I had a very bad feeling about this.

Momoyama continued.

“The culprit was a virgin. However, being the cute little show-off that he is… our culprit, Shin-chan… was worried that he wouldn’t be able to put a condom on smoothly when the time came.”

“Was worried,’ my ass. You already said it. You said ‘Shin-cha’ just now.”

My protest-filled retort was, per usual, ignored.

“And then, one day, he happened to look in the student council room cupboard, and what did he find? Condoms! Shin-chan planned to use these for a dress rehearsal.”

Kaoru-senpai nodded repeatedly. “Rehearsals are important,” she said, agreeing for reasons I couldn’t comprehend.

“The moment the condom was fitted onto Shin-chan’s ‘that thing’—” Momoyama said, making a crude in-out gesture by poking a finger from one hand into a loop made by the other. It was the one gesture I managed to swat away with a sharp, “Knock it off.”

“—Shin-chan heard the footsteps of the other student council members approaching. And he thought, ‘Oh, crap! My Takenoko no Sato is still wearing a condom!’ In a panic, Shin-chan pulled on his pants to hide his Takenoko no Sato and threw the condom box out the window.”

“Hey. Hold it right there. Who decided to call my ‘that thing’ a ‘Takenoko no Sato’?!”

Ignoring my protest yet again, Momoyama concluded, “And that is the truth of what happened.”

Then, she fixed her sharp gaze on me.

“The culprit is… Shin-chan. It’s you, isn’t it.”

And that is the story of how I came to be accused of a crime I didn’t commit.

The President looked down and shook her head. “Oh, Shin-chan… You didn’t have to worry, I would have put it on for you…”

“Please don’t say something lewd with the same tone as ‘Why would you do such a thing?'”

Everyone’s eyes were on me.

No, on my Takenoko no Sato.

Hold on, hold on. I haven’t admitted that it’s a ‘Takenoko no Sato’! I absolutely deny it! And it’s not a ‘Kinoko no Yama’ or a ‘Saku Saku Panda’ either!

They were all looking at me as if they’d already decided I was the culprit.

“No, no, no, it really wasn’t me! Do you even have any proof that I took it?!”

I ended up using the same excuse a real culprit would. Still, this should prove my innocence. Innocent until proven guilty. If there’s no evidence, there’s nothing they can do.

However, Momoyama was unfazed.

“Hee hee. Proof. You want proof? …Oh, I have it. I have proof.”

Her triumphant expression was infuriating.

There was no way any proof could exist.

Because I didn’t take them. The condoms.

“Then show me,” I challenged, to which Momoyama replied with surprising ease.

“Sure. But I’m not the one who’s going to show it.”

Huh? If this annoying detective—bungling detective—isn’t going to present the evidence, who is?

Momoyama’s pale pink lips slowly curled into a crescent moon, then moved with a tantalizing gloss.

“Shin-chan, you’re the one who’s going to present the evidence.”

“…………Huh?”

Completely lost, I let out a stupid-sounding yelp. I’d never heard of a culprit who presents the proof of his own crime.

“Your Takenoko no Sato,” Momoyama said. “That Takenoko no Sato under your pants… if my deduction is correct, it should still be wearing a condom right now, shouldn’t it?”

Wha—?! You can’t be serious!

“Now! Out with it, Shin-chan! Show us your Takenoko no Sato!”

Damn it…! She got me!

It was only then that I finally realized my mistake.

Momoyama probably didn’t even believe her own theory was correct.

This was all a setup to get to this exact moment. A preamble designed to make me take out my Takenoko no Sato!

She made it look like a coherent deduction, but in reality, it was just her raw desire to ‘see my dick’! She was willing to create a cringe memory for the ages and play the part of a bungling detective just to satisfy her own lust!

I had been led down a perfectly calculated path…

At this rate… the only thing left to do… was to take out my Takenoko no Sato—

“—LIKE HELL I WILL! YOU IDIOT!”

My soul-wrenching scream coincided almost perfectly with the opening of the student council room door.

“Yo. How’s it hangin’, brats… and Shin-chan.”

The person who entered was the faculty advisor for our student council, Mizushima Shiori-sensei.

She’s a young sensei, probably in her late twenties, with long red hair tied back and the sharp, cat-like eyes of a math teacher.

She’s got a sharp tongue when it comes to the girls, but she’s the type of good sensei who works hard for her students behind the scenes.

Incidentally, she’s incredibly sweet to me.

“Huh? Sensei, were you scheduled to come by today?”

This sensei rarely visits the student council room. When she does, she usually sends a notice in advance with the date and purpose of her visit.

“Nah. I just came by to return this.”

With that, Sensei pulled from her pocket the very box of condoms we had been searching for.

“Oof,” she grunted, climbing the stepladder and putting the condoms back in the cupboard.

As we all stood there, completely dumbfounded, the President was the first to react. “W-Why do you have that, Sensei?!” The President seemed pretty shaken, too.

“Hm? Oh, this? I was supposed to meet a guy last Saturday. I was finishing up some work at school beforehand and realized I’d forgotten to bring a rubber. So I borrowed the one from here. Of course, I was planning to buy a new one to replace it, okay? …Well, the guy never showed up to the meeting spot, so I didn’t end up using it… Ha, hahaha, hahahahaha…”

Only the sensei’s dry laughter echoed through the room.

No one could say a thing. Even if we wanted to blame her, we couldn’t. We just felt too sorry for her.

In the awkward atmosphere, I was, for the time being, relieved that my name had been cleared.

—At the same time, I made a mental note to be much, much more careful of Momoyama’s wild deductions from now on.

If I let my guard down, I might actually end up having to reveal my Takenoko no Sato next time.

Whatever happens, the moment Momoyama starts humming the Kindaichi theme, I need to be on high alert.

Detective Momoyama’s deductions are seriously dangerous!