Chapter 16: The Newspaper Club Part 2

“Alright. Shall we start with some food review practice?”

Shiraishi-senpai carried on the conversation as if nothing had happened. After fondling my hand like that, it’s amazing she can just ignore it. Nerves of steel. It almost makes me feel like I’m not supposed to point it out…

Apparently, this Newspaper Club also writes reviews and impressions of new products from the school store.

This time, they were letting me try my hand at one of these “food reviews.”

What was placed before me was a perfectly ordinary pudding.

“Look at this! This pudding! It’s so… pudding-y, it’s the very definition of pudding! Wow, what a magnificent pudding!”

The moment I finished my all-out, pre-meal report, I heard a transmission from the earphone I was wearing.

‘This is Camera Two, Yamanaka. Shin-chan-senpai’s vocabulary is atrocious!’

‘This is Command HQ, Saijo. I’m sure his adorable little head is just full of pudding. Let’s not mention it, okay?’

Damn them, saying whatever they want.

Just you watch. I’m about to blow you away with the greatest food review of all time!

I scooped up some pudding with my spoon and took a bite.

So good!

What is this, it’s so good!

I completely forgot about the food review and just enjoyed the pudding.

“Adorbs adorbs adooooorbs❤︎ Shinichi-kun completely absorbed in his pudding is too cute for words! Who cares about the food review anymore! Tanaka! Get the shot! Make sure you get the caramel on Shinichi-kun’s cheek, too!”

A girl named Tanaka, holding a bulky camera, appeared out of nowhere and started snapping photos of me.

Click, click.

What is this? Am I allowed to wipe the caramel off my cheek? Or do I have to leave it there?

For the time being, I decided to just stand there in a daze.

‘This is Camera Three, Kikuchi. I can’t see Shinichi’s adorable face from here. Get a shot from your angle. And send me the data later.’

‘This is Camera Two, Yamanaka. Roger that. Oh, and Shin-chan-senpai, please don’t wipe off the caramel!’

Have you guys forgotten your original objective? You’re supposed to be taking pictures of the Newspaper Club, not me.

Once the photo shoot was over, Shiraishi-senpai took the plate and spoon into the adjacent social studies prep room, leaving me alone with Tanaka-senpai.

For the record, there were other club members, but they were all busy with their own work, occasionally glancing my way without speaking to me.

With nothing else to do, I tried talking to Tanaka-senpai.

“Tanaka-senpai, you’re a third-year, right?”

Tanaka-senpai smiled silently.

“Do you like photography, Tanaka-senpai?”

Tanaka-senpai smiled silently again.

“Tanaka-senpai, what should I do now? Shiraishi-senpai isn’t coming back.”

Tanaka-senpai, as expected, just smiled.

Say something!

No. Wait. Maybe she has a congenital disease or something and can’t speak. If that’s the case, I shouldn’t push her. It can’t be helped.

Just then, another club member came running over to Tanaka-senpai.

“Tanaka-senpai, could you check this article for me?”

“Oh, sure. Which one? Ah. I think it would be better if you moved this sentence over here. And then here, you should—”

She’s talking normally! Why is she just giving me the silent treatment?! C’mon, communicate! Have a conversation!

Noticing my dumbfounded stare, Tanaka-senpai returned it with her usual smile.

This is useless. I can’t rely on Tanaka-senpai. It’s just making me feel empty, like I’m talking to a brick wall.

I went after Shiraishi-senpai, heading for the social studies prep room.

I opened the door to the prep room and called out to her as I walked in.

“Shiraishi-senpai, what should I do nex—”

I stopped mid-sentence.

I learned in that moment that when a person witnesses something truly unbelievable, they turn to stone.

Shiraishi-senpai was sitting in a chair. Silky hair, large and perfectly double-lidded eyes, a straight and slender nose, glossy lips. And, quivering as it was held perfectly straight, a red, snake-like tongue.

Shiraishi-senpai was attempting to entwine her tongue around the spoon I had been using just moments before. The fact that her face was so beautiful just made it even creepier. She looked like a yokai.

Our eyes met.

“Ah,” she whispered, and froze solid as well. It seems people really do freeze up when faced with an unexpected situation. But if you’re going to freeze, could you at least put that red tongue away first?

A heavy silence descended upon us. Just imagine. If you saw a girl about to lick your recorder, what would you say? What if she was a senpai you normally respected?

There is no answer. Silence is the correct response.

As expected, the one who broke the silence first was the Licking Yokai.

“No, no! This isn’t—! This isn’t what it looks like!”

“Yeah, you’re caught red-handed, Licky-senpai.”

“Anything but Licky-senpai, please?!” Licky-senpai pleaded, her eyes welling with tears. “I was just trying to do a food review of what Shinichi-kun’s saliva tastes like!”

“That’s not any different. That makes you a bona fide pervert.”

Scandal No. 2: The President is a Licking Yokai

♦︎

Though her perversion had been exposed, Shiraishi-senpai was, as expected, mentally tough. She reverted to her kind, elegant, older-sister persona as if nothing had happened. A quick change from Licking Yokai to reliable senpai. Talk about a switch-up.

When Shiraishi-senpai and I returned to the social studies room, she whispered to a nearby club member, giving some hushed instructions.

I couldn’t hear a thing, but it seemed the President and the others had picked it up with a super-high-performance microphone.

‘This is Camera One, Momoyama. They’re planning to crank up the heat in the social studies room to make Shin-chan take off his clothes!’

‘This is Command HQ, Saijo. All units, prepare to snipe!’

‘This is Camera Two, Yamanaka. But President, this is a chance to get a shot of Shin-chan-senpai with his clothes off! I urge you to reconsider.’

‘This is Command HQ. Abort the shot! Abort the shot! I repeat, the sniper shot is aborted!’

The large, built-in air conditioner began to roar, spitting out hot air.

It’s hot! It doesn’t even get this hot in the middle of summer!

The temperature in the social studies room continued to rise.

Naturally, it wasn’t just me; the Newspaper Club members were also soaked in sweat. Their blouses were becoming transparent, turning the room into a see-through bra festival.

I looked at Shiraishi-senpai. Her black camisole was visible, and her blouse was stuck to the white skin of her arms and chest. It was extremely erotic.

And that wasn’t all. The room was filled with the scent of the girls’ sweat.

(This is bad! The stimulus is too strong for me, a guy! This is way past ero-level 3. The sniper shot could come at any second.)

‘This is Camera Three, Kikuchi. Shinichi’s sweat is so hot! His shirt is sticking to him! Hnghhhh!’

‘This is Command HQ. Calm down! Kaoru, calm down! You’re breaking character!’

While being slightly put off by a super-hyped Kaoru-senpai, I casually glanced over at Tanaka-senpai.

Our eyes locked. As I expected, Tanaka-senpai smiled.

And then, a trickle of blood ran from her nose.

“Huh…? Tanaka-sen… pai?”

With blood still dripping from her nose, Tanaka-senpai collapsed with a thud.

“Tanaka-senpai?!” I yelled, rushing to her side. Her cheeks were flushed red, like she was drunk. It was no surprise, given the heat.

To help the somehow happily smiling Tanaka-senpai, I turned off the heat and opened the windows to ventilate the room.

As I sat beside her, helping her lie down, Shiraishi-senpai approached. She also had a nosebleed. What a waste of a pretty face.

“Shinichi-kun, huff, huff, you’re sweating… so much. Will you use my towel? Please, use it? huff, huff.”

“Never mind that, Shiraishi-senpai. Your nosebleed is way worse. Please wipe your own nosebleed before worrying about my sweat.”

Scandal No. 3: The President and Tanaka are Sweat-Fetish Perverts

♦︎

I had completed the full course of the trial club experience and was now sitting across from her for the final meeting.

“So, how was your one-day trial experience?” Shiraishi-senpai asked.

“It was very stimulating. In a lot of ways.”

“Hee hee. I bet, right? If you ever get tired of the Student Council, you’re always welcome here in the Newspaper Club.”

Shiraishi-senpai smiled mischievously before her expression changed. “Shinichi-kun.” With serious, knowing eyes, she spoke again.

“This whole thing… it’s some kind of investigation for the Student Council, isn’t it?”

My heart skipped a beat. I never thought she’d have seen through it.

“…How long have you known?”

“From the very beginning. For one, our activities require that we hold trial experiences in a separate room, so to be honest…”

It made sense. If someone faked a trial membership and leaked the contents of an article, it would interfere with their work. Normally, prospective members would just get a simple explanation of their activities in a separate room, and that would be it.

“Besides, you’re… one of those Student Council officers,” she added with a wry smile.

“Uh… sorry about that.” I bowed my head on behalf of the entire Student Council. Just how far had our bad reputation spread?

“It’s fine,” she said, shaking her head. “We often get resented by the people we write articles about. I figured someone probably asked you to investigate us, right?”

“You figured that out?”

“When it comes to harassment, we’ve had more than our fair share.”

“Well, it’s harassment, so it’s supposed to be unpleasant, senpai.”

Shiraishi-senpai giggled, then her expression turned serious again. “But,” she said.

“But… the only things we make into articles are acts of injustice or those that stray from ethics and morality. If it’s not an injustice, then it’s a matter of personal freedom. We would never, ever use something like that for a story. That… is who we, the Newspaper Club, are.”

A strong will was reflected in her eyes. To write the truth, guided by conviction. That must be what she meant.

Forgetting for a moment that Shiraishi-senpai was a pervert, I was struck with an ill-advised sense of respect, thinking, ‘She’s so cool.’

♦︎

A few days later.

I sat in my usual seat in the Student Council room, legs crossed, with the school newspaper spread open. Normally it’s for the bulletin boards, but since this one was about me, I was given a special copy.

I scanned the article in question.

‘Shinichi-kun’s hands are as smooth as porcelain, possessing a god-like hand power that seems to guide all they touch toward happiness—’

‘The way Shinichi-kun devours his pudding is an adorable sight that seems to condense all the “cuteness” in the world, and the glistening of his saliva on the spoon he held in his mouth was a sweet—’

‘Shinichi-kun, with his shirt sticking to his skin from sweat, is—’

“—Okay, I’ve had enough!” I slammed the newspaper down on the desk.

What is this article that makes zero attempt to hide its perversion?! And don’t you dare write a food review of my spoon, you Licking Yokai!

Before we could leak the Newspaper Club’s perversion, they went and exposed it themselves.

To think I was feeling a little bad for them, like, ‘It’d be a shame to expose this.’ I feel like an idiot.

I sighed and casually glanced at the end of the article.

This is what was written there.

‘Finally. I had always thought that Shinichi-kun was a distant, unattainable flower, that he would never pay any attention to the likes of us. However, that was not the truth. Shinichi-kun is a human being, just like us, and he is certainly interested in us. I am convinced of it.

Because as Shinichi-kun was leaving, when I saw him stand up from his chair, his soldier was also standing gallantly at attention.’

They went and wrote a whole article about my soaring soldier scandal because it’s not an “injustice!”

That’s not what you said! That’s not what you said at all!

Sure, the lingering scent of a sweaty Shiraishi-senpai in the room was erotic! And sure, my soldier stayed standing like a well-trained marine the whole time I was sitting there!

But does that give you the right to leak the news about my soldier to the entire student body?! Any more of this, and my soldier is going to fire off some white bullets!

“What?! Shin-chan, you got excited watching the Newspaper Club?!”

“Damn you, Newspaper Club!”

“Shin-chan-senpai! Do you prefer a pervert like that over me?!”

The furious Momoyama, Kaoru-senpai, and Misaki-chan.

Well, if we’re talking about perversion levels, I think it’s a toss-up…

As I was debating whether to try and calm them down or just make a run for it, I saw a light brown cowlick at the bottom of my field of vision.

Huh? I turned my head and saw the President smiling, looking up at me. No—her eyes weren’t smiling. They were burning with jealousy.

I tried to escape, but it was too late.

The President threw her arms around my neck and leaped at me.

“That’s not true, is it! Shin-chan only has eyes for me, right❤︎”

The President rubbed her squishy, baby-soft cheek against my neck.

Lately, ever since she found out I’d been sniffing her blazer, the President has gained a weird sort of confidence, and her actions have become strangely aggressive! It’s the best! No, wait, it’s dangerous!

“Look, everyone! My love is making Shin-chan pitch a tent down there!” the President announced, pointing at the magnificent tent raised by my soldier. Welcome to Soldier’s Boot Camp.

“Whaaat?! What do you think you’re doing! Get away from Shin-chan-senpai right now!”

“Tomomi! You always get to have all the fun! Camping is fun because everyone does it together!”

“President! If you don’t cut it out, I’m going to make a campfire with your ◯-hair!”

As usual, the President was deftly peeled off me and dragged away to her doom.

“Help meeeee! Soldieeeeer!”

I don’t know what to tell you if you’re asking my crotch for help.

I sincerely pray that the President’s nether regions do not end up scorched.

This Student Council’s obsession with my soldier is insane!

No, wait. The main point of this chapter wasn’t supposed to be some stupid dirty joke, but the Newspaper Club’s convictions.

There’s no way the grand summary of this ridiculously long and stupid story could have a punchline that lands on my soldier.

One more time! Just give me one more chance!

I’ll do it right! I’ll be pure and proper and concise this time!

Ahem, let’s try that again—.

My penis is in serious trouble!