Chapter 13: A Premeditated Offense

In the student council room after school, I eagerly opened the lid of my thermos.

My latest obsession is kombucha. The rich umami of the kelp and its gentle saltiness seep into my weary body, exhausted from weathering a storm of sexual harassment.

The pint-sized president, sitting in the president’s chair, is currently fiddling with her smartphone, completely silent. The other members haven’t arrived yet, so the student council room is quiet today. What a rare occasion.

I put the thermos to my lips and tilted it back, slowly savoring the kombu flavor in my mouth—

“Shin-chan, you sniff my blazer sometimes, don’t you?”

“BFWAAAH! Cough, cough!”

I spectacularly spewed out my kombucha. I was a regular kombucha-spitting geyser.

The president took a towel out of her bag and neatly wiped up the kombucha I’d sprayed everywhere.

She was such a caring senpai.

(It’s fine. I’m fine. This is not the time to panic. There’s no way she knows. The president shouldn’t have any hidden cameras.)

(I remember her saying, “I’m the type who buys them from the peeping toms, so I don’t get my own hands dirty.” I’d thought at the time, ‘That’s still getting your hands plenty dirty, though?!’ but it confirms the president herself doesn’t plant any bugs.)

(In other words, this is a bluff. A gambit. She has no proof!)

I feigned ignorance with my signature poker face.

“I-I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“It’s super obvious. Sometimes, your scent is left on the armpits of my blazer, Shin-chan.”

(What is she, a dog?! What kind of sense of smell does she have?!)

(An image of the president with dog ears, winking and saying “Woof ❤” popped into my brain, but I waved it away. This is no time for that! After dismissing it, I reconsidered. No, wait, Doggy President… that could work. Down below, my son looked up at me as if to say, “Right?!” Calm down, son.)

“Shin-chan, do you like my scent that much…?”

The president asked with a gleeful smirk. Her breathing was a little heavy, her expression ecstatic. This person, despite looking like a little kid, has some seriously twisted tastes.

As I stood there silently, wondering what to do, the president slowly raised both hands and clasped them behind her head.

“If you like it that much… you can… have a sniff, you know?”

She was wearing a long-sleeved dress shirt, so I couldn’t see her armpits directly. But that just made it even hotter, somehow! The president—even though I hadn’t done anything yet—began to let out sweet, breathy sighs. It was a deadly temptation, like she was scattering a powder that could melt your very reason.

My own reason evaporated in an instant, like an ice pop tossed into a volcano.

(I want to bury my face in the president’s armpit and take a big sniff right now!)

Perhaps because she was nervous, the armpit area of her shirt was slightly damp. Maybe because of that, a stimulating, girly scent faintly reached my nose.

(Just as I thought, ‘This is bad,’ my sociable son perked up from inside my pants again, as if to ask, “What is? What’s bad?” I told you to calm down, son.)

Right before my mind could be completely filled with the president’s armpit, someone peeked out from a small corner of my consciousness. It was the ice pop!

(Hold on. Calm down, Shinichi. This is a trap. One of Kongming’s traps.)

(I wondered if that’s how an ice pop talks, or if they’re from China, but I decided to seriously consider my frozen friend’s advice.)

(For example, let’s say I were to start sniffing and licking the president’s armpits right now. What would happen? The president would definitely tell everyone. She’d go around telling the other student council members, acting like she was my girlfriend.)

(If that happened, there would be no going back. The other members wouldn’t just stand by and watch. I’ve seen the president get dragged off to her doom time and time again, so I know this for a fact.)

(In other words, what would follow is—)

(The collapse… of the student council…!)

(They aren’t rational enough to gracefully back down and give up just because I’ve gotten together with someone. This student council is a den of unhinged maidens.)

(Before I knew it, it would escalate into an all-out war.)

(That is the one thing I can’t allow to happen.)

(I love this student council.)

(I don’t want to see everyone fighting.)

The ice pop in my head saw my resolve and nodded deeply.

(Yes. That’s right. You must—)

“You don’t have to hold back, you know? From the top of my head to the tips of my toes, you can do whatever you want with me, Shin-chan. Here, come on.”

This time, the ice pop was completely obliterated. It was about to say something important, but it vanished before it could finish its mission.

The president stretched her hands out toward me. “Shin-chan,” she called, her eyes glazed over. It was a narcotic-like temptation that made me feel like an unimaginable paradise awaited me if I just sank into her embrace.

One step, then two; my feet moved on their own. My head knew it was wrong. And yet, my body slowly approached the president. It was as if I was caught in a spider’s web, being pulled in, completely out of my control. My reason was powerless against the president’s ‘cuteness.’

(No!)

(I stopped myself at the very last second. If I give in to the president now, I won’t be able to face my fallen, frozen friend! Hold on! Just a little longer! The other student council members should be here any minute!)

The corners of the president’s mouth curled upwards. She saw right through me. Smiling bewitchingly, the president dropped a single, devastating line.

“The others aren’t coming.”

What… did you say…?!

“They’re probably being buried under a mountain of requests from the teachers right about now. I told the teachers that you and I were taking the day off from student council, Shin-chan, so all those errands should have been pushed onto just those three.”

(No… it can’t be…)

I shook my head in disbelief, but her smile confirmed everything she said was true.

—In other words,

(This temptation is a premeditated offense…!)

(Come to think of it, didn’t I say during that whole missing-condom incident that no one in the student council was the type to sabotage others? She’s sabotaging me big time. In fact, what she’s doing is on the level of tackling me to the ground and slapping me in handcuffs.)

It was at that moment that something clicked.

(Heh heh, the president is still so naive.)

My newfound confidence surfaced as a fearless smirk. The president tilted her head, looking puzzled.

She’s overlooked one thing. One very important thing.

Something she doesn’t have, but I do.

And that is—

—the hidden cameras!

(I have hidden cameras on my side!)

(It feels weird to use the fact that I’m being spied on as a trump card, but hey, if it works, it works.)

(I’m under constant surveillance, so Momoyama or someone should come running any second—)

“—You’re not being watched,” the president said, cutting off and obliterating my train of thought.

(Hey, can you stop reading my mind?!)

(What are you, an esper?!)

“All the live cameras in the student council room are currently displaying fake footage, so no one will notice a thing. I left the non-live cameras alone, but by the time anyone retrieves that data, the party will be over. All they’ll see is a recording of our little union.”

(How does she have that kind of technical skill?!)

(Seriously, you should use that talent for doing literally anything for a better cause!)

“Now then. There’s no one to interrupt us, is there, Shin-chan? I’ll give you my everything. You’ll accept it, right?”

Her patience worn thin, the president started walking toward me, her arms still spread wide.

Her glazed-over eyes stared at me, burning with heat. A bewitching light, meant to charm any man, glinted in her eyes.

(This is bad, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad!)

(The student council’s future is at stake!)

(In other words, my chastity is at stake!)

I took a step back, then another.

—but my back was against the wall.

There was nowhere left to run.

(Is this it…?!)

It was then that the door was suddenly thrown open.

Maybe this is what the heroes in stories look like. That’s how valiant she appeared.

She said—

“Sorry to keep you waiting, Shin-chan! Everything’s okay now!”

Standing there was Momoyama.

She was drenched in sweat and gasping for breath. She must have run all the way here.

At Momoyama’s appearance, the president faltered for the first time.

“Wh-?! Why?! I was sure I blocked all the hidden cameras!”

“Indeed,” Momoyama said. “I admit, I didn’t notice anything from the live cameras. I’m surprised you were capable of something like that, President. However, my wiretaps aren’t limited to just this room.”

(Why is she so proudly confessing to a crime? I thought, but on second thought, it was par for the course, so I decided against pointing it out. The two of them were in the middle of a tense war of words. I shouldn’t throw a wrench in it.)

“That’s impossible,” the president said, shaking her head in denial. “This student council room is a custom job, packed with soundproofing material, you know? Real-time eavesdropping from another room is impossible.”

(Why exactly is it packed with soundproofing material, I wonder? The school definitely didn’t do that, did they? The president did it on her own, right?)

(This is killing me. I want to butt in. But ruining the mood would be… bad.)

“I didn’t plant a listening device in another room,” Momoyama said.

“…Then where did you plant it? All the real-time listening devices in this room have been rigged to pick up fake audio, you know?”

It was a valid question.

It wasn’t in another room.

The mics in this room were compromised.

So, where could she have planted it? It seemed like an impossible mystery.

“Well, you see—”

Momoyama slowly pointed a finger at me and smiled fearlessly.

“—I planted it on Shin-chan.”

(…Hey, you. Wipe that smug look off your face, you pervert.)

(Does this mean… what? That she’s heard every little sound, from me doing my business to me trying to calm my son down in the bathroom?!)

But the president denied even that.

“No. That’s not possible, either. While I was chatting with Shin-chan, I casually inspected his belongings and his clothes. As a result, I can confirm there were no listening devices of any kind.”

(…Hey, you. Wipe that prim-and-proper look off your face, you pervert.)

(Does this mean… what? That you’ve seen the dirty magazine in my bag and the ero DVD I borrowed from Takuya?! Did seeing that the DVD was loli-themed give you the confidence to pull this stunt?)

“That’s right. You wouldn’t be able to tell just by looking from the outside.”

“From the outside?”

What did that mean?

Even as I wondered, my heart began to pound. I had a very bad feeling about this.

“It can’t be…!” the president whispered.

“That’s right. I planted the listening device inside Shin-chan’s body!” Momoyama announced triumphantly. I barely managed to swallow the words ‘Are you kidding me?’

(Wait, when did I become a cyborg?! While I was sleeping? Did she sneak over while I was napping at my desk in class and give me some demonic upgrade?)

But the reality of the situation was different.

“During lunch break today, I had Shin-chan eat some cupcakes I baked at home. He was so cute, saying how delicious they were, getting frosting all over his cheeks. And, well, the truth is, I hid a super-small, waterproof, high-performance listening device inside one of those cupcakes.”

(I’ve decided that from now on, I will never eat anything Momoyama makes without a poison taster.)

“Inside… his body?!”

The president’s face was a mask of shock and despair. But the one who was most shocked and most in despair was me.

Momoyama strode past the despairing president and came to a stop right beside me.

Then, she unbuttoned the first, second, and third buttons of her blouse and said,

“Shin-chan. Rather than a child like her, my mature body can embrace you so much better, don’t you think? As long as you don’t cheat on me, I’ll do anything you say. I’ll protect you and provide for you for the rest of your life. So, come on, okay? Come here ❤”

A lock of hair that had been tucked behind Momoyama’s ear fell loose, brushing against her red-framed glasses. From behind her wavy, pink hair, her eyes, burning with lust, stared me down as if to say, I won’t let you escape.

(My heart is wavering wildly. As usual, my son looks up at me innocently as if to ask, “Why? Hey, why did it waver?” but no matter how many times I tell him to calm down, he won’t listen. He’s in his rebellious phase.)

Momoyama took one step closer to me.

Her body, slightly plump but with a perfectly cinched waist, was right in front of me. Her blouse was open, revealing a pale-green bra.

I gulped.

(W-wait a minute.)

(Momoyama, what did you come here for?!)

(Weren’t you supposed to save me?!)

(The number of seducing enemies just went up!)

(Sigh, this is it.)

I didn’t want to do this, since it makes me feel like a gofer, but this is an emergency. Surely she’ll forgive me.

I quickly sent an email to a certain person.

Then, I opened the window.

The student council room is on the second floor, so I couldn’t just jump out to escape.

So, I faced the open window and yelled with all my might.

“Help me, Nagato-maaaan!”

Then, with a speed that screamed, You were totally waiting on the floor above, weren’t you? a rope dropped down, and sliding down it was Nagato, a sharp, slender-eyed first-year girl with a ponytail.

Zzzzip

As some of you may remember, Nagato is a former member of the “Anti-Suda Alliance” and a first-year in the badminton club.

After that one incident, her doubles partner, Akemi-san, safely returned to the club, and for some reason, not just Akemi-san, but Nagato as well grew attached to me, and we fell into a relationship where she unilaterally stalks me. In short, the relationship of a stalker and her victim.

My plan this time was to use her to escape.

“Shinichi-senpai! I’ve come to save you! Now, hurry!”

The president and Momoyama, frozen with stunned expressions, were a second too late to react. Seizing that brief opening, I threw myself out the window and clung tightly to Nagato. I had to, or else I’d fall. It couldn’t be helped. Nagato smelled pleasantly of antiperspirant.

“Ah ❤ Shinichi-senpai…❤ If you cling to me like that… my self-control…” Nagato began to fidget, pressing one hand to her crotch.

“Wh-! Idiot! You! Don’t get turned on now! Just get us down!”

Nagato somehow held it together, and once we were on the ground, she let me go and started breathing heavily. Is it okay for me to pretend I don’t see her hand moving in small, rapid motions against her crotch? —Yes. I saw nothing.

“Shinichi-senpai, I… I can’t control myself…! Hurry, run…!”

Nagato said with a pained—no, a pleased—look on her face. She’s a total pervert.

“Uh, thanks, Nagato. See ya.”

I scrambled away from her.

And just like that, I finally succeeded in my escape.

But that was a really close call. If it weren’t for Nagato and my good friend the ice pop, I probably would have lost my chastity.

From now on, I need to have a will of steel. I can’t be a simple ice pop; I need to be at least a deluxe ice cream bar. I understand that much now.

If things stay as they are, I will inevitably fall for their temptations.

They’ll stop at nothing. They’re lewdness incarnate.

The temptations in this student council are insane!