Chapter 11: Student Council Consultations

Momoyama stamped another document and placed it in a binder.

Misaki-chan’s fingers clacked away at her laptop keyboard, while Kaoru-senpai furiously punched numbers into a calculator.

The student council has a lot of work.

We might have a reputation for just goofing off, but this student council is surprisingly diligent. The sheer competence of the individual members is what lets us handle the massive workload. Yeah, everyone on this council is capable. Except for me.

The student council also acts as a consultation service for the student body. We listen to students’ problems, help them find a path to a solution, and if it’s something they can’t handle on their own, we pass it on to a teacher. It’s one of the student council president’s duties.

Today, the schedule was packed solid with those consultation appointments.

Typically, the president handles the person seeking advice alone, while the rest of us quietly do our own work, listening in on the consultation.

Right now, she was in a session with a third-year girl.

The girl slammed both hands on the table, leaning forward. “I’m in love with Shinichi-kun! I’m so in love with him! So much I can’t sleep at night! So much I just want to nibble on his earlobes! What should I do?”

What is this girl talking about, wanting to nibble on his earlobes when the guy is sitting right here? That’s basically a confession. Just because girls are forbidden from confessing to boys doesn’t mean you can use the student council for it. I wish she’d stop. Just then, I heard a sharp snap from Momoyama’s desk. The top half of a pencil came rolling over to me. The bottom half was still creaking and groaning in Momoyama’s grip. This is bad. At this rate, Momoyama’s going to kill someone. President, please, get rid of her. Quick. As I was praying, the president spoke to the girl with an air of complete indifference.

“I see. That’s impossible, so please give up. Alright, next person!”

Forced shutdown. The president’s brute-force technique strikes again. The girl dejectedly left the room. For someone who had been so worked up, the way she left so meekly without a single complaint was, frankly, creepy. The president’s forced shutdown is something else.

More consultations of the same nature followed.

Seriously, the students at this school are way too lovesick. Not a single one of them has a normal problem. Nibbling earlobes, sucking on chins, slapping eyelids… it’s all so perverted. And what the hell kind of situation involves slapping eyelids?!

Each time, the president would drive them away with the same mechanical phrase, initiating a forced shutdown. She had basically become the “It’s-Impossible-So-Please-Give-Up Machine.”

“Next!”

The door flew open without a knock.

A third-year boy with aggressively spiked-up hair stomped in.

A consultation from a boy was rare.

Most of the guys look down on girls, so they’d never consult the student council. You’d think, then, that they might come to me, the only sane person on the council, but that never happened either. Oh well, it can’t be helped since most of the guys hate me, calling me a “traitor” or a “bitch.” That’s this world for you—where a guy can be called a bitch.

Seeing that the visitor was a boy, even the president let out a surprised, “Oh?”

Before the president could speak, the male student began. His voice, brimming with confidence, echoed through the student council room.

“I’m sure you already know, but I’m Sakagami Daichi. I’m here for a consultation.”

“Yagami-kun, is it? What an interesting name.”

Everyone on the student council besides the president simultaneously made an Eh…? face. His name was Sakagami, not Yagami.

The president, with a perfectly straight face, had boldly gotten his name wrong.

“No. It’s Sakagami. Sakagami. Wait, you don’t know who I am? We’re in the same grade, right? I’m a handsome guy, right? You don’t know me?”

Sakagami-senpai closed in on the president.

‘I’m a handsome guy, right?’ Give me a break. So annoying. He is handsome, I’ll give him that. But still, so annoying.

“Oh, haha. My bad.”

The president opted for a strategy of laughing it off instead of clearly stating, I don’t know you. Just as you’d expect from the president; she knows how to get by in the world. This way, she wouldn’t hurt his feelings, but since she also didn’t say, I know you, she wasn’t lying either.

Whether the president’s “laugh and deflect” tactic worked or not, Sakagami-senpai regained his composure.

“Hmph, whatever. Starting today, it’ll be a name you won’t be able to forget, even if you wanted to.”

Sakagami-senpai gave a nihilistic smile. It was the kind of smile that made you think he was trying to imitate Vegi◯a. Is he gonna go Super Sakagami on us or something?

Whatever, I don’t really care, just get on with your consultation already.

Sakagami-senpai took his sweet time, then raised his chin slightly and pointed down at the president. Not that he needed to; the president is tiny, so he could look down on her just fine without the theatrics.

“I said it was a consultation, but that was just a pretext. Today, Saijo Tomomi, I came because there’s something I need to say to you!”

So it’s not a consultation?! I didn’t want to get dragged into any trouble, so while screaming internally, I silently tapped the back of Momoyama’s hand. She tilted her head with a look that suggested a question mark was floating over her head.

“Eh. If it’s not a consultation, I’d like you to leave,” the president responded.

“Wha-?! Uh, no, I mean… it is a consultation! Depending on how you look at it! You know, ‘consultation’ is a word that changes its shape depending on the person…” Sakagami-senpai sputtered, launching into some bizarre theory. A consultation that changes shape depending on the person? What is it, a transforming robot?

Perhaps growing tired of it, the president quickly moved things along. “Whatever. In that case, please state the nature of your consultation.” She looked like she couldn’t care less. That’s rude to Sakagami-senpai. Try to look a little more interested, President.

Sakagami-senpai suddenly thrust one arm forward and yelled, “Saijo Tomomi! I’m in love with you! Be mine, Tomomi!” as if to say, Take my hand. His expression was still pure Vege◯a. Stop smirking like that. It’s pissing me off.

No matter how you looked at it, Sakagami-senpai’s shout was not a ‘consultation.’ It was a ‘confession.’ And why did he need to pretend it was a consultation anyway? He’s a guy; he should just confess normally. You’re Super Sakagami, aren’t you? Show some guts.

The president slowly opened her mouth.

Everyone’s gaze turned to the president.

“Oh. That’s impossible, so please give up.”

There it is! The legendary heirloom sword, “That’s impossible, so please give up!”

The versatility of that phrase is incredible! Can’t you at least try to turn him down a little more gently?!

“Why! Why is it impossible!” Sakagami-senpai raged. And of course he would. A scathing fastball had just slammed right into his confident Ve◯eta face. It was no wonder he was angry.

Sakagami-senpai asked, as if to confirm.

“Wait, but… I’m a handsome guy, right?”

There it is! The lethal weapon: “I’m a handsome guy, right?”

So annoyiiiiiing! Don’t think you can get whatever you want just because you’re handsome!

The president rested her chin on her hand, tapping a ballpoint pen against the desk. Her face clearly read, What a pain. Please, President, take this seriously, I pleaded internally.

Instead of answering Sakagami-senpai’s handsome-guy confirmation, the president dropped a bombshell.

“Nah. I already like someone.”

“What… did you say…?! You mean it’s not me, the handsome one?”

Can we drop the handsome thing already? How long are you going to milk that?

In his agitated state, Sakagami-senpai pressed the president. “Who is it! Who the hell is he!”

I had a hunch. It was probably me. But there was no way the president would say that here and now. Saying that here would be like letting go of the reins on a ferocious beast. The president is, when it comes down to it, a considerate and thoughtful senpai. There’s no way she’d ever—

“Him,” the president said, pointing at me.

Still resting her chin on her hand, she did it as she yawned, as if it were nothing at all.

Presideeeeeeent! The beast! The beast is looking this wayyyyy!

Sure enough, the beast—Sakagami-senpai—had a vein popping on his temple and was grinding his teeth. It was terrifying.

“Y-y-youuuuuuuu!” he threatened. “How far have you two gone! Don’t tell me you’ve done the dirty with this innocent little girl!”

That’s just weird. Why follow up a threat with a question about doing the dirty? The president’s getting a little mad about being called a ‘little girl,’ by the way. She’s puffing out her cheeks, looking cute while she’s angry.

Can’t be helped. I guess it’s up to me, the only sane person on the student council, to quell the president’s anger.

I stood up and shouted. “The president is not a little girl! Her boobs are big, and they’re super soft! She’s a fine lady!”

There, I thought, turning to the president with my best Vege◯a face.

The president’s face was beet red all the way to her ears, and she was looking down. This was not the reaction I expected.

“‘B-b-b… boobs…!’ Sakagami-senpai bit, so I supplemented the information. ‘And their sensitivity is excellent.'”

For some reason, a ballpoint pen came flying at me from the president. Why?

“How could you… how could you… how could you defile Tomomi!”

Aaaaaah! With a calm and pure heart, and through intense anger, Sakagami-senpai has become Super Sakagami-senpai!

He sent his chair flying backward and charged. I tried to escape but just ended up toppling over, chair and all.

However, Sakagami-senpai stopped before he reached me. Or rather, he was stopped.

I scrambled to my feet and looked up to see Momoyama standing in front of me, shielding me.

“I wouldn’t lay a hand on Shin-chan if I were you,” Momoyama said. “He’s being secretly filmed and recorded from multiple directions, so it would be easy to leave evidence.”

“Hey! This is the first I’m hearing about being filmed and recorded from multiple directions! Could you at least limit it to one?!”

At Momoyama’s words, Sakagami-senpai seemed frozen, unable to move.

To think I was being protected from external threats in exchange for my privacy. I have mixed feelings about this.

“Guh… damn it! Suda Shin’ichiiiiii!” Sakagami-senpai spat out, his anger having nowhere to go. “If that’s how it’s going to be, then I’ll join that organization… I’m joining that organization! You’ll regret this, Suda!”

Leaving that parting shot, Sakagami-senpai stomped away, his shoulders squared in anger.

That organization?

What is “that organization”?

“Alright, next person.”

The president, still fanning her red face with her hand, called for the next person as if nothing had happened.

I didn’t know it yet.

That the very next person to come for a consultation would be an agent of “that organization” Sakagami-senpai had mentioned.

To be continued