I Came Back from the Dead, Quit Being a Holy Hero, and Just Wanna Shake My Hips in a Harem - Chapter 32: Fate’s Personal Matchmaking Service!

Chapter 32: Fate’s Personal Matchmaking Service!

“Heyyy, mister, help meee~ I can’t get down~”

The soft voice floated down from a tree.

Yeah, it was her—the girl who screamed Kikino flag all over.

Her laid-back tone made it sound like she wasn’t even that troubled.

Every part of me wanted to run—but since she kept popping up no matter how far I fled, I decided to take the opposite approach: tank my likability points on purpose.

If our first meeting was rock-bottom terrible, then surely nothing could develop between us.

…Wait, isn’t that basically the plot of certain romance stories? Uh-oh.

Anyway, things are never that simple.

I didn’t even look up. Just stabbed a forkful of noodles and muttered:

“I’m eating right now.”

“Oh, I seeee~… If you’re eating, then I guess it can’t be helped~”

“Exactly, so give up already.”

“Okaaay~”

“…”

“……”

I jabbed my fork into the paper tray and suddenly shouted:

“Don’t give up!!”

“So… I don’t have to give up~?”

“Of course not! You’ve gotta push forward! If you’re in trouble, push hard! This world only bends if you force your will on it! My comrades back in the day were absolutely wild about that, y’know!?”

“Reallyyy~?”

“Yeah! They’d go, ‘I’ve seen your hobbies, your tastes, your will—and now you’ll obey me!’ Can you believe that? Talk about ironclad willpower!!”

They’ve mellowed out a little since then.

…Well, part of that was my fault—I went around saying dumb stuff like, “I’ll aim to be the Hero of Light!” in my past life.

This time, thank goodness I stuck to chasing the dream of Harem King.

“You’ve had it rough, huh, mister~”

From above, she spoke in a pitying tone.

And somehow—SOMEHOW—I could feel her affection for me ticking upward. Ughhh.

“Alright then, let’s try this again from the top.”

“Mister, help meee~ I can’t get downnn~”

“Hah! Climb down yourself.”

“Right~… I was kinda thinking the same thing~…”

“…It’s fine, it’s fine, that was just practice. Say it with more bite next time. Really get confrontational.”

“Mister’s such a meany~. Don’t you know a girl’s in trouble up here~?”

When I grinned to myself, muttering, “See, you can do it if you try,” a cheerful, “Leave it to meee~!” floated down from the tree.

…And thus, a dumb-dumb atmosphere filled the air.

Sure, most of this was my fault, but with her fluffy, carefree way of speaking, it had snowballed into this indescribably goofy vibe.

Fine. Then we’ll keep it like this—play-bickering, me playing the villain, driving her opinion of me straight into the ground.

In the end, I’d “begrudgingly” help her, and the fate flag would be shattered. …Probably.

“Hah! I could help you, sure, but it won’t be free!”

“My wallet escaped from my pocket not long agooo~…”

“No cash, huh? Then maybe you’ll pay me… with your body!”

“You mean, like, I should do some kind of work~?”

“Gugyagyagya! No, I mean it literally! How about you masturbate and give me a nice, big, live-action solo performance right in front of me! A public lewd-lude show! Gugyagyagyagya!!”

Does a villain like this even exist? Whatever—today I’m committing to the role!

After this, I’ll “reluctantly” rescue her, then strike a pose like, “Tch! They’ve found me already!”—you know, full-on wanted criminal act. That’s the plan, okay?

“What’s mastur… mean~?”

“I’M SORRY‼‼‼ It was me! 100% my fault! Please just forget I ever said that!!!”

Uggghhh!

Turning into the kind of monster who teaches an innocent girl what that means? Absolutely unforgivable!

Sure, I’ve heard of the “innocent girl play” kink, but that’s not me! Nope! Not into that! …Probably. Still not into it! I think!

“Heyyy, what’s masturbate mean~?”

“I’ll help you! I’ll help you right now!!”

“Reallyyy? Thanks~”

“…But first, can I get your name?”

“Is that necessary~?”

“Of course it is! If you’re gonna save someone, knowing their name is essential!”

I bluffed with words that sounded deep but meant absolutely nothing, and she answered without hesitation:

“My name’s Kokono~.”

…Kokono.

That sounded way too close to Kikino.

Definitely related somehow. Probably not her, but still…

“Really, truly Kokono? You’re not lying?”

“Ehh, why would I lie~?”

“Fair point…”

Well, if she says Kokono, then Kokono it is.

No point overthinking—I’ll just go with the straightforward choice and help her out.

I stood up and looked toward the big tree.

There she was—a shrine maiden girl peeking out through the branches.

And surrounding her—over a dozen Hokkoro spirits, floating silently, watching her like guardians.

“…Uh, why are there Hokkoros floating all around you?”

“Becauseee~ with the Hokkoro spirits here, I can’t get down~”

“…What did you even do?”

“I didn’t do anything bad~. Their wooden bed fell to the ground, so I just put it back. But they must’ve thought I broke it… I swear I didn’t~.”

“…Yeah, yeah, I get it.”

From this whole “encounter event,” it was obvious the girl wasn’t a bad person.

Still… helping someone who got on the wrong side of spirits sounded like a huge pain.

I didn’t really want to get involved but… guess I had no choice.

I gripped my fork and shouted:

“Hey, you damn spirits! Can’t you see the girl’s in trouble? Get lost already!!”

“W-Wait, don’t say that~! If you insult them, the Hokkoro spirits will get mad~!”

And just like that, every single Hokkoro surrounding her turned to glare at me.

Yup. Not just “mad.”

The fury radiating from behind those wooden masks was intense—they’d definitely marked me as the enemy.

“M-Maybe you should apologize…”

“Apologize? Hah! You damn spirits floating around all smug—you’re not scary at all!”

The very next moment, nuts came flying straight at me.

With a quick flick, I smacked them aside using my fork.

One came flying, then another, then a barrage—dozens pelting toward me from every angle.

But I casually knocked them all away, deflecting every last one from all directions without breaking a sweat.

The girl gasped, “Amaaaazing…”

Meanwhile, the Hokkoros were clearly getting ticked off.

One of them floated closer.
Its wooden mask began to grow larger, twisting and warping into an angry visage—
A demon mask, complete with razor-sharp fangs.

The Hokkoro with the demon mask clacked its jaws—SNAP SNAP—like it was ready to bite me.

Then it gave one final loud CLACK and lunged forward.

“—Behind me, huh.”

Without even turning around, I thrust my fork straight backward.

A faint holy light shimmered from its tip.

Sure enough, another Hokkoro had snuck up from behind, mask swollen and warped, trying to chomp down on my head.

But my fork’s prongs were already pressed against its mask, stopping it just in time.

It hovered there awkwardly, thwarted.

I spoke firmly, scolding all of them:

“I get that you’re on edge. But taking it out on an innocent shrine maiden? That’s crossing the line. She’s a good person—you should be able to see that. If you still can’t calm down… then fine. You can vent it all on me until you’re satisfied.”

Spirits, apparently, don’t really understand the difference between good and evil.

Actually, it’s questionable whether they grasp the concept at all.

With beings like that, sometimes the best approach is just being blunt and straightforward.

And sure enough, after I said my piece, they seemed to get it.

Their wooden masks rattled a little, and then—almost like they’d forgotten Kokono even existed—they drifted off like the wind.

…Funny. I’d always heard the Hokkoros were gentle spirits.

Maybe this odd behavior had something to do with the “disturbance.”

As I mulled it over, a bright voice rang from above.

“Wowww! Mister, you’re amazing! Amazing, amazing, amaaazing!”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. Now just calm down and come down already.”

“Okayyy~ Leave it to meee~! Tree-climbing expert Kokono, that’s meee~!”

She declared with total confidence—then promptly slipped on her very first step.

“HANYA!?”

“Why!? You literally just said you were good at it!!”

I opened my arms wide, ready to catch her as she plummeted.

Her hair was a soft shade of yellow, almost golden, giving her a warm, gentle look.

Her shrine maiden outfit was adorned with fluttery decorations that must have looked gorgeous when she danced, paired with brightly colored fabrics.

Combined with her childish aura, she gave off strong “everyone’s little sister” vibes.

And then—
I caught her, gently, in my arms.

“Ahf… t-thank youuu. …Hmm? I feel a hint of divinity around you~?”

“…”

“Mister?”

Her expression was impossible to pin down—was it mystical, or just plain airheaded?

Either way, her round, sparkling eyes softened into a loose, dreamy smile.

And seeing that face—so uncannily similar—I accidentally let it slip:

“K-Kikino…?”

There I was, holding her bridal-style, like some dramatic rescue scene ripped straight out of a romance story.

Kokono, the girl who looked just like Kikino, blushed and gazed up at me curiously.

Meanwhile, in my mind’s eye, I pictured Fate standing behind me, arms crossed, smirking like, “Well? Quite the stage direction, don’t you think?”