The Most Important Thing

When I got back home from school and began changing my clothes to prepare to go jogging, I heard some voices outside my house.

I opened the door to see if Uzuki had come back, and for some reason I saw Satsuki-kun was standing there too.

She said that she had met him by coincidence after school, but that couldn’t be true. It must have been all planned by Uzuki.

I remember the last time we argued and she yelled something like, “I’ll support you on my own.”  Was that what it was all about?

“Hey, Uzuki, explain what happened to me, will you?”

When Satsuki-kun left, Uzuki had also changed out of her school uniform and was just lying on the sofa watching the TV.

She was wearing an oversized light blue parka and shorts. The hood of the parka has cat ears on it, and the fact that she can wear this kind of clothes without any embarrassment is what makes her different from me. I can’t believe we are sisters, she has such different taste and guts compared to me.

I was shocked that Satsuki-kun had seen me in a jersey, and I’m still dragging my gloomy feelings within me.

“What do you mean?”

I picked up Japii, who was spinning around in the living room, and stood between Uzuki and the TV.

“Argh, sis, you’re in the way!”

“What do I mean…?”

I asked slowly and calmly.

“What are you talking about, sis?”

“I-…It’s about Fukase-kun!”

Even though Uzuki knows what I’m talking about, I can’t help but speak louder when it comes to saying his name.

“When I was changing my shoes at the shoe closet, I saw Satsuki-senpai come in at the same time. He said he was free, so I asked him if he wanted to go home with me. It was a natural thing to do, you know.”

Uzuki flaps her legs as if she wasn’t offended at all, and I try to stay calm, but I’m actually filled with anger.

“Fukase-kun’s house is in the opposite direction of ours, right?”

“Eh, sis, you know Satsuki-senpai’s house? That’s great!”

“I-I don’t know! I’m asking you, why are you bringing him to our house!”

When I interrogated Satsuki-kun the other day, I heard that he commutes to school by a monorail.

“I mean, sis, you seem pretty angry since quite a while ago. I’m sorry for what I did with Satsuki-senpai. Do you hate me?”

“I’m just mad at you!”

If Uzuki had forced him to come with her, it was out of line for me to lash out at Satsuki-kun. But I wasn’t prepared for it and so I couldn’t welcome it either.

It was really embarrassing to be seen in such a lame jersey.

‘Why don’t you ask him to come over next time, sis?”

“I won’t!”

There was nothing more I could say to her.

I know that Uzuki is always thinking about me. I know she doesn’t mean to offend me.

She also knows that I’m always alone at school. Not only that, but she also knows that I may be interested in Satsuki-kun.

I’m sure Uzuki is thinking of me in her own way, but I don’t appreciate it at all.

“Satsuki-senpai, he’s a nice guy. He’s too good for my sister, isn’t he?”

“…You’ve been doing a lot of things to provoke me lately, haven’t you?”

“I’m doing this for you, sis. I told you, I’d support you.”

“What’s in it for me? You’re just embarrassing me by inviting my classmates to my house without my permission.”

“You’re all alone at school, right, sis? You have to take care of those who befriend you too. Satsuki-senpai said that he doesn’t have a girlfriend.”

“Y-y, you two talked about that stuff?”

The reflexive stiffening of my body caused Japii, who I was holding, to startle and run away.

“I wanted to ask him some more questions, but he left because of you. Isn’t that right, Japii?”

She stroked Japii’s tail as he ran away to Uzuki, and repeatedly provoked me.

I don’t know why Uzuki is so excessive when it comes to me and Satsuki-kun.

“You should be more honest with him. It’s obvious how you feel about him.”

“W-What do you mean, how I feel about him?”

“Your face is always red in front of Satsuki-senpai, you know.”

“I-It’s not, not at all! Are you stupid or something?”

I quickly cover my cheeks with my hands.

That’s a lie, of course it’s not true. See, my cheeks are so cold right now!

“Think about Satsuki-senpai. Wasn’t he cool when he caught Japii just now?”

Uzuki was grinning, placing her hands on her cheeks as if she was imitating my actions.

I know I shouldn’t be provoked by her, but the image of Satsuki-kun from earlier comes to mind with a flutter of excitement. When he picked up Japii, our hands touched each other for a little bit…

“…See, you’re turning bright red! Sis, your body is so honest!”

I did feel my cheeks getting a little hotter.

“No, no! It’s not!”

Eh, wait a minute? Are you saying that my face has been red in front of Satsuki-kun this entire time? That’s a lie, right?

Does that mean you’re aware of how I look, Satsuki-kun?

No, no, no, no, no, no!

“Don’t tease me! You’re in high school now, you should be more mature.”

I turn around and throw out a discarded line, unable to face her properly anymore after receiving a startling revelation from Uzuki.

My cheeks are still piping hot.

“Hmph~ I’m angry at you, sis.”

Uzuki, who had been playing and focusing all her attention on Japii, teased me half-heartedly.

‘”Enough! I’m going back to my room. “

I leave the living room so that Uzuki can’t see my face any longer.

“Even my sister can be a normal high school girl sometimes!”

I heard Uzuki’s voice say something about me as I walked out into the hallway.

I returned to my room and stood in front of the mirror at once, my face really was red.

“Really? No way…”

I had been trying to be as normal as possible so that Satsuki-kun wouldn’t know how I felt. 

As an agent, having a poker face is a fundamental part of the job. It’s not that I can’t be honest, it’s just that I shouldn’t be honest with myself.

It’s not that I can’t be straightforward either, it’s that I’ve been too frank in ways I didn’t know were possible, which is stupid.

I collapse on the bed and don’t move an inch. I shouldn’t have been embarrassed to be seen in my jersey. I was unknowingly doing something even more embarrassing!

What kind of face am I supposed to make when I go to school tomorrow?

“Hah~…“

I sighed out naturally which made me feel a little depressed.

I want to talk to him normally in the classroom and go home with him too, I don’t want to just fantasize about it by myself all the time. 

Just like Uzuki, I want to be called Yayoi-chan too. I want to hear Satsuki-kun play the piano again as well…

There are so many things I want to do with him. So many things.

But I can’t.

Because as the eldest daughter of the Kinoshita family, I have to take over as an agent.

I thought I had put everything inside my heart and locked it away.

But now my heart’s so shaken that I can’t help it.

My job as an agent was when I was five years old.

The job itself was very simple. All I had to do was attach a transmitter to a target, and because I was a child, I could do it without arousing any suspicion.

Even then, I had a vague understanding of how an agent’s job works. I also had a bare-bones sense that I was not allowed to tell other friends about my father’s occupation at

all.

My mother explained to me that it was a job to protect important things, and I believed her.

Protecting important things.

It was enough magic for a young girl like me.

When I successfully completed my first task, my mother and father were very happy.

“Well done! Let’s buy Yayoi’s favorite cake on the way back home!”

My mother was praising me and Uzuki was clapping her hands in excitement, although she was clueless about what was going on.

“The Kinoshita family will be safe now.”

Seeing the look of satisfaction on my father’s face was enough to make me happy too.

If I helped my father with his work even more, he would praise me more. My mother would be happy too. It would also help my little sister. If I did that, the Kinoshita family would always be safe.

That is why I worked so hard. I wanted to be praised, for the sake of my family.

That year, on Tanabata (the Star Festival). (TLN: How is Tanabata Celebrated? People celebrate by writing wishes on small pieces of paper (called tanzaku) and hanging them on bamboo branches with hopes they will come true. Other decorations including origami designs and colorful streamers may also be part of the display.)

It was our family tradition to hang strips of paper with wishes written on them on the bamboo branch decorated in the living room. The previous year, I think it was ‘I want a stuffed bear.’ I remember Uzuki imitating me and writing ‘I want a bear.’

This year, my wish was….

‘I want to be an agent like my father.’

Seeing this strip of paper, my father, who usually does not smile at all, smiled.

“Yayoi is so kind.”

My father said and patted my head. I innocently responded with a smile, and now I had a reason to work hard again.

That wish was not a lie. It was not out of consideration for my father, but my honest and true feelings at that time. 

When my sisters and I became elementary school students, we no longer decorated the bamboo branches with our wishes, and that was the last time I had made a wish. 

Gradually, I stopped smiling as time went on.

If the bamboo branches were still displayed on Tanabata, what would I wish for right now?

Would I be able to write my true wish on a strip of paper like I did back then?

No, I’m sure I cannot.

The words ‘Work to protect what’s important to you,’ as they were explained to me back then no longer fill me with a sense of joy, now it pierces a hole in my heart with how empty it feels.

Important things? Who is it important for? For whom are we protecting those ‘things’?

I’ve not been able to answer that question that’s been recurring in my mind for quite a while now. 

As I go about my work, a sense of discomfort gradually builds up inside my heart. I search for someone else’s secret and uncover the truth about them. Secretly, without being found out.

As a result, I’m destroying someone’s life.

I’m not protecting something important. I’m just taking it away.

Of course, there are jobs to help people as well, to thwart wrongdoings in the world.

But I don’t have the right to choose my work. Not everything in the world is so pretty. This is especially true for dark work such as being an agent.

Do I have to separate myself from what I want just because it’s my job? Am I lost because I can’t grow up normally? Is it okay for someone else to be unhappy as long as someone else is satisfied?

I don’t want a job where I have to dig into other people’s secrets.

I don’t want to be an agent.

I’m sure Uzuki is already aware of that. That’s why she says things like that from time to time. She knows why I don’t make any friends, and she knows that I’ve been holding myself back for a long time.

Uzuki is a girl who can act honestly on her thoughts. She’s the type of girl who can go after what she wants to do.

But, I can’t be like Uzuki.

I can’t be honest with myself.

I don’t want to see my mother and father sad, and I can’t force myself like Uzuki to do what I want.

I know I have to do it. On top of that, I’m worried about myself too.

As a sophomore, I can finally feel the lid of my locked-up heart moving. Various things I have been holding back and giving up are about to overflow out of my heart.

I don’t like to be alone all the time.

When someone says good morning to me, I want to smile and say good morning back to them.

I don’t want to keep away from the things I like.

I want to be closer to Satsuki-kun.

What should I do…? 

Uzuki is right. I know it myself, but…

I’ve always been a wimp and a coward. I always pretend not to see or hear my true feelings.

No matter what I write on the tanzaku, no matter what the Milky Way says, my wish will never come true.

I want to be a normal high school girl. 

TL: “”

ED: Spynine01