Chapter 1

Toru Hasumi ①

As per usual, I arrived at the school in a slightly depressed mood the next day.

(She’s so adorable; I wish I could talk to her.)

(I adore high school girls wearing a summer attire.)

(You might be able to see up her skirt if you walk behind her up the stairs.)

I despise having the ability to look into the mind of such a lowly being who can only feel using the lust in their heads.

I learned how to use this ability and could even avoid looking at such stuff as I grew older, but hearing the voices have become so ingrained into my body that I couldn’t help myself but listen to them every day.

I unconsciously look at any nearby men’s minds, even when I don’t want to, perhaps it’s a defensive instinct, especially whenever I’m surrounded by men. It’s an unavoidable scenario in the light of the fact that there are many possible situations that can be avoided using this ability, such as someone trying to set me up, or maybe even come on to me forcibly.

I’m aware of the fact that I’m pretty attractive, though I didn’t be this way because I wanted to.

And, despite the fact that I am only trying to live my life peacefully, my body easily attracts ill will from many people around me. It makes people jealous and even have ulterior motives. I’m even worried that some people might think I’d be a useful tool for them.

I don’t want to read anybody’s mind, but if it’s necessary for me to protect myself with it, I’ll do it.

Even if I know it’d tire me out, even if I know the more I use it, the more self-loathing I’d feel afterward.

I can’t tell you how many times I wished I could just break myself. I can’t even count how many times such a scenario has occurred in my head.

But I, too, have people whom I care about. So I don’t have the guts to do it, knowing they’d be upset after I do so.

I try my best to avoid meeting any people as much as possible, and I recently changed the train to a time much closer to the earliest possible departure time, but it’s impossible to create an environment where there’d be absolutely no one present.

That is why having a space where I can be alone is critical to me.

As I exited the ticket gate, I took my usual route away from the school.

After a while, I climbed a long flight of stairs, and in front of me was a deserted shrine.

I discovered this location a while ago, but there was very little pedestrian traffic, and the back of the precinct was shaded by trees, making it cool and just right for a place to relax in.

The chilly breeze through the trees welcomed me quietly, cooling my burning body, forming a very pleasant atmosphere.

“This feels good.”

I meditate and take a deep breath quietly, as if to replace the negative energy I was feeling earlier.

A smile unintentionally spreads across my face as I think about the place where I can just be free and not be bothered by anything.

After a while, I sat down in a shady spot and pulled out a book from my bag that I had brought with me.

I enjoy reading books. Whatever is written in a book remains constant and will never change regardless of whoever reads it. It’s only natural, after all.

If I don’t like it, I can just put it back on the shelf, and it won’t turn into something flowery just because my emotions have been aroused all of a sudden.

They’re not like people who’d approach me without any regard for my feelings and hurl evil thoughts at me, or someone who’d change the way they treat me as soon as I pay them any attention whatsoever.

I’m not fond of boys. Because they don’t see me for who I am.

They only push me to do whatever they want and never see me for who I truly am.

I don’t like girls either. Because they don’t see me for who I am.

When it’s disadvantageous for them, they harbor ill will towards me, and when it’s advantageous for them, they regard me as an accessory that will enhance their reputation.

I dislike people. No one genuinely looks at me. They don’t actually care about what I think.

I’ve never allowed myself to be with anyone other than the few people I can call my best friends and my grandmother, who is my family.

My life is overbearingly heavy and dark.

But I’m afraid I’ll just have to deal with it forever.

Without their permission, I look into many people’s hearts, calculate them, and incorporate them into my daily life. I am a monster, and I don’t blame myself if others say that such a life is appropriate for me.

I know I’m not normal, I know that I can’t live a normal life, and I especially know that I can’t ever be happy.

That is why I live each day fearlessly. Wearing a false mask, attempting to speak with false words, and simply making do with whatever the situation prompts me to do.

I’ll be fine. But one day, I will be broken.

◆◆◆◆◆

I shake off my depression and head to school.

Many people try talking to me when I enter the classroom, but I sort through them moderately as I make my way to my seat.

I’d rather not talk to anyone if I could. However, I can easily imagine myself getting isolated and persecuted if I actually did that.

“Good morning, Hasumi-san”

As I sit down, Himuro-kun, the boy who sits next to me greets me, and I return the greeting back.

“Good morning, Himuro-kun”

I have no intention of getting along with him at all.

However, when I looked over at his thoughts, I felt nothing. I was surprised to see how blank his mind really was.

There was no malice, no tension, no exuberance, nothing covert at all, it was just a sense of drowsiness.

What exactly is he? I’m a little disturbed by this sort of person, a type which I’ve never really met before. 

But before I could think about it any further, my classmates began talking to me, and so I had no choice but to focus my attention on them.

“Good morning. Did you watch the drama that aired last night?”

Chika Kiriya, a bright student of the class, approached me. A tall boy with a nice face stands next to her.

He was probably popular with the girls, but to be honest, he seemed just like the others to me, as I had never felt anything but disgust for him no matter how many times he spoke to me.

“Good morning. I haven’t seen it yet– I always end up falling asleep beforehand.”

In order to avoid any negative sentiments, I responded back to her in a cheerful tone.

The truth is that I don’t sleep much and instead prefer to just read books in my spare time, but I didn’t want to complicate the conversation any further, so I chose a simple

answer as an escape.

“Is that so? But it was so much fun! Right, Yuuya-kun?”

I can read her mind and know that she wants to be friends with the boy next to her, but it irritates her that the boy that she likes wants to talk to me instead.

That’s really inconvenient. I wish they’d just talk about it themselves.

The boy seems to be talking to me about something, but I return my greetings to him back coldly because I have no intention to be friends with him at all.

Because I felt nothing but contempt for the evil and devious feelings that lurked behind his sweet smile.

◆◆◆◆◆

A few days have passed since we changed our seats..

I maintain just the right position with the girls, who are very easily prone to jealousy.

To be honest, it’s far less difficult doing this than dealing with the boys.

It’s far preferable to being spoken to by a man who doesn’t even bother to learn my name.

I’m aware that they aren’t all nasty b**tards.

So the day continued without a hitch, and I went to the first-floor staff room after being called there by a teacher.

The teacher who called me in today hates me on the inside, and to be honest, it really depresses me.

I have nothing to do with the fact that you have gone through so many years without getting married.

And the fact that I’m pampered and doing well for myself is something that’s only in her head, it’s not how reality is at all.

It’s quite depressing to think about that.

“Is something wrong, Togashi-sensei?”

When I walked into the staff room and spoke with the teacher, her inner mind was completely still.

Her given name is Maya, and I can see why the boys refer to her as ‘the older teacher’ behind her back. Well, she appears to be a very feminine and hysterical woman.

“You were on duty today, weren’t you? Could you please take this to the fourth-floor storage room? “

The grin on her face was unbearable.

It has nothing to do with the day-shift work I did today and is most likely just simple harassment. 

Furthermore, It feels even more malicious because she called me here alone, despite the fact that there are two day-duty workers, a man and a woman.

It’s pointless to argue with her though. It would only be a hassle in the long run.

“I understand.”

“Please do. It would be fantastic if you could do it right away.”

The majority of students have either gone to their club activities or have left school, and there should only be a few students remaining in school right now.

Finding any girls to assist me would be difficult, so I probably have to carry all this stuff by myself..

I wasn’t even sure if I’d be able to find a girl to help me out.

“Please excuse me, then.”

With my heavy luggage, I exit the staff room. I can carry it since I always climb the long flights of stairs everyday to get to the shrine, but even with that it’s still very exhausting. 

As I walked down the corridor, I heard a voice call me out from behind, so I turned back to face the person calling me.

“Hasumi-san, I’ll help you out here.” (If I assist you here, I might be able to leave school with you. Lucky me.)　

It’s a boy I’m not very familiar with. He seems to be willing to assist me, but I’m going to decline him because it looks like it’s gonna be a hassle if I do accept it.

“Thank you, but I can carry this on my own.”

“No, but…” (I don’t want to squander such a wonderful opportunity.)

“I’m fine. Then, I’ll leave now.”

I begin walking immediately after replying back to him, without waiting for his response. I was finally able to go upstairs after three repetitions of the exact same scene reoccurring.

“I’ll help you carry your bags.”

Then, just as I was about to gather my courage to re-enter the third-floor stairwell, another voice called out to me again.

I turned around, irritated by the fact that it was another male voice, only to find Himuro-kun standing in front of me.

It’s probably pointless anyway.

I wasn’t expecting it, but I peered into his mind to discover his true intentions.

(That’s a hefty burden for a girl to deal with, I can’t just ignore the amount of luggage she’s carrying all by herself.)

But what I discovered within his mind was pure goodwill, which surprised me greatly.

I couldn’t believe it and tried to concentrate even harder in his head, but there were no other emotions present in his mind.

There are people who are like this, too? But I suppose that’s okay, right?

“Thank you for saving me.”

He seemed perplexed that I agreed to assist him.

That’s understandable, but it’s very unusual, in my opinion.

And I was a little relieved that his confusion appeared to be a sign of genuine goodwill. It doesn’t really seem like a reaction to gain any favor with me.

“No, it’s alright, that amount of luggage seems to be pretty heavy for a girl. Didn’t anyone want to help you out?”

“That’s not really the case.”

The other party looked at me strangely when I gave back such a vague answer, I was unable to say I refused because I knew they had an ulterior motive with their assistance.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to help?” 

I was reminded of how nice he was to ask me that, even though he didn’t have to, just out of consideration for my feelings.

“No, thank you so much for calling out to me. It means a lot for you to help with my luggage.”

Aside from that, I didn’t really like the idea of getting something back in return, and I would have appreciated it if they had just helped me out with my luggage.

But no one was kind enough to show up with that mindset. Until he approached me, that is.

“I’m glad to hear that. If you want to, you can just tell me the location and I’ll take it there myself.”

Despite the fact that I could see some confusion in his appearance, there was no ulterior motive or malice of any kind present inside of him.

He is completely in tune with what is in his heart and what he says outside, and the discomfort I was feeling just a few minutes ago vanished as if it were a lie.

He truly is a good person, and his heart was in the right place as well.

“I’ll go there too. Besides, I was the one asked to do it in the first place.”

Even if he thinks that it’s not a big deal, it’s something I initially agreed to do.

I don’t want to delegate everything and make life easier for myself just because of some goodwill.

“Well then, you can hold this one for me.”

He blatantly tried to hand me a lighter package, and for a brief moment, I questioned his motivations for helping me out. (TLN: Like bruh, he’s just tryna be gentlemanly wtf)

I was a little disappointed and wary, wondering if I’d been betrayed just as I was about to give him the tiniest bit of appreciation.

“Please. I’d be done for if I was seen letting the Madonna of the whole school carry such a heavy load.”

But it made me laugh to realize that he wasn’t trying to make me like him or anything at all; he was just thinking about his future.

It’s even funnier because he always has the appearance of being someone expressionless, and he has a face that looks so troublesome that I can tell just by looking at him.

“Fufu~ I thought that Himuro-kun doesn’t really change his face much, but I see that he can actually make faces like that too.”　

Unusually, for someone like me who doesn’t really converse often with any boys, the next words flew very easily out from my mouth. I’ve never felt this way with anyone before.

“So you’re actually human after all.”

And the way he did it with a blank expression on his face and his stilted pronunciation, was just so amusing that I couldn’t stop myself from saying that to his face.

“Pfft. Don’t make me laugh by saying that like Mitsou-san.”

“Sorry. But I find Hasumi-san’s smiling expression to be quite refreshing.”

“Is that so? No, maybe. Well, I rarely laugh except for when I’m talking with a girl.”

I replied with some consternation, though I kept the fact that I frequently fake a smile even when talking to girls hidden, but as we continued to talk, we seemed to arrive at our destination in no time.

It seemed so short that the time it took to get to the second floor, which had seemed so long to me, was like a complete lie. 

“I’m going home. See you tomorrow.” (I want to go home early and play some games)

I couldn’t help but smile again when I saw how happy he was as he tried to end the conversation quickly without asking me to accompany him to the entrance of the school.

”Thanks a lot. See you tomorrow.” 

Himuro-kun, I’m looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow, I said, thanking him once more for bringing me such trivial joy in my life.

TL: Jelt

ED: Spynine01