Handsome Guy

“Mou~, Kanade, don’t say that!”

“Oh, sorry if I teased you. I’m a girl, so you can relax,” she said with a mischievous smile, similar to Marin-chan’s.

“A… girl?”

“If you’re so worried, want to take a look down there?”

“N-no! That’s okay…”

“Hey! Stop fooling around with my husband!”

“Hehehe. Well, he’s exactly like the pictures,” she said, looking at me seriously.

“Um… What’s going on?”

“Oh? It’s not like I have any particular reason for being here. To explain again, Marin and I have been childhood friends. We have some family connections, so we meet up like this occasionally.”

“Oh, I see…”

“We get along well, you know. Are you feeling jealous?”

“Huh? N-no… I don’t think so.”

“Heheh, can’t catch on, huh? Well, I’ll be heading off now. Can’t intrude on the couple’s lovey-dovey time too much. I’ve seen the husband, so I’m satisfied.”

“Aww, stay a little longer! Right, Aoi-kun?”

“Y-yeah…”

“Well, I’ll come visit again sometime. Take care, both of you,” she said, leaving gracefully.

Indeed, unless told otherwise, one could easily mistake her for a man. Her appearance, mannerisms, everything was graceful, elegant, and beautiful.

“Sh… she’s handsome,” I blurted out involuntarily.

“Sorry! I know it’s sudden to have someone over at the house…”

“No, it’s okay. I was just a bit surprised, that’s all.”

“Really? Well, that’s a relief! Hey, isn’t it late for you to come back, Aoi-kun? Were you studying the whole time!?”

“No way. I couldn’t really concentrate because Kiyohito kept bothering me.”

“I see! But I think you’ve been working really hard lately!” she said, patting my head.

“Well, if I’m going to stand by your side, Marin-chan, I need at least the minimum specs. I have to be a decent match, right?”

“Minimum specs? I’m not asking for any of that! Aoi-kun, just being with you is enough for me,” she said in a sweet, affectionate voice.

“Thank you… By the way, is Marin-chan okay with not studying?”

“I’m fine! I study before bed every night, you know!”

“Yeah, you do,” I said.

And so, we ate dinner together as usual.

“Marin-chan, what about university?”

“Hmm, my parents want me to go to Todai (Tokyo University), but I’d prefer to go to the same university as you!”

“Well… I think you should go to Todai. Even if we end up at different universities, I don’t think our relationship will change…”

“What? You want us to be apart? Am I annoying?,” she pouted, leaning closer to me.

“That’s not it!… I just don’t want to limit your options because of me.”

“You’ve been thinking about our future so much… I’m happy. But my answer won’t change. I’ll go where I want to go. It’s not about limiting my choices; it’s about giving me options. If I hadn’t met you, I would have probably just gone to Todai, found a decent job, married someone I kind of liked, and had kids… I would have settled for a mediocre happiness. But there wouldn’t have been any real choices for me, just going with the flow, drifting through life… I think you’re the one who gave me choices and happiness in my life.”

『Compared to your two sisters, you truly have no worth. You should just…』

I don’t want to remember the rest of those words.

My mother’s mocking laughter echoing from the ceiling was terrifying, hateful, agonizing, and infuriating.

But somehow, I started to believe those words were true. I started to think that maybe I’m better off not existing, and I’ve thought that many times.

But Marin-chan says she needs me.

So, the feelings in my heart right now might just be seeking dependency.

I want to genuinely love her, but maybe those feelings have already disappeared from me.

And that… scares me.

“…I’m glad you said that.”

“You don’t look happy though?”

“That’s not true.”

“Hey, you know?”

“…What?”

“I love you way more than you think I do.”

“I know that.”

Then, Marin-chan hugged me from behind.

“W-Wait!?”

“I’m glad you know. So, you don’t have to force yourself to love me. I just want you to start loving yourself first. Once you do, I want you to love the ‘you’ that I love. You can love me later.”

“…Yeah.”

You can’t love others if you can’t love yourself. 

After all, self-love is the only love in this world that’s truly certain.