Surviving in a World Teeming with Monsters with the Useless Skill 【Everyday Items Master】! I Was Just Hunting Wild Animals with a Crowbar, So Why Is Everyone Screaming It's an S-Rank Monster? - 126

Chapter 126: Overturning the Absurd Trial!

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Koufukuji saw the fleeing Duchess and said to the twins.

“You two, I’m gonna throw you.”

““Got it.””

Just that one phrase was enough for them to understand, leaving me dumbfounded.

“Huh!?”

But the twins must have been used to this. They jumped toward Koufukuji and landed on his outstretched palms.

“Here we go.”

Koufukuji swung both arms powerfully, sending the twins flying toward the Duchess. The distance had been around twenty meters, but in one go, they closed it to just under ten.

“Whaaat!?”

Riding on a pig as she fled, the Duchess cried out in shock at Koufukuji and the twins’ reckless stunt. But the twins weren’t done yet.

“Shizuku! Time for round two!”

“Okay. Please, Sango-chan.”

Soaring about five meters above the ground together, Sango handed a sword to Shizuku mid-air. Shizuku placed her foot skillfully on it. Then Sango swung the sword forward, and Shizuku leapt off it with force.

Sango lost some momentum, but Shizuku accelerated further and soared right over the Duchess.

“Whoaaa! What the hell kind of acrobatics is that!?”

“They’re twins, so they’re perfectly in sync. That’s nothing for them.” 

Koufukuji replied nonchalantly to my astonishment. But he couldn’t hide the faint look of pride on his face. I knew it. 

This guy is a total siscon.

Shizuku landed right in front of the Duchess and the pig. She was about two meters away. The pig couldn’t brake or change direction in time. So, the Duchess ordered the pig.

“Ugh, my sweet baby! Just run over that little brat! Run her over, send her flying, and crush her into pieces!”

From Koufukuji’s breast pocket, I watched Shizuku with worried eyes. The twins were both small. If she didn’t manage to attack in time, wouldn’t the pig’s weight crush her? But that worry turned out to be unfounded.

“I believe a shotgun is some kind of a suppressive shield.”

【Wall Volley】

With a sawed-off shotgun, Shizuku fired at the pig’s face. The pig recoiled as if it had crashed into a wall, letting out a “Pugii!?” noise before it was flung backward.

“Guns are the modern-day sword and shield. Sure, there are ballistic shields, but I think a shotgun makes a much better shield.” She then pointed a submachine gun at the stunned pig’s face.

“And a submachine gun is a dagger that excels in rapid strikes. It can slice the enemy 23 times per second.”

【Rapid Suppression】

A storm of bullets turned the pig’s face into a beehive. Without even a scream, the pig collapsed on its side. The Duchess was thrown off.

“Damn it, if it’s come to this..!”

Before Shizuku could follow up, the Duchess summoned a handful of pepper shakers.

“Trump Soldiers! You will now become the new babies!”

She hurled the shakers at the Trump Soldiers. The airborne pepper scattered over them, and in an instant, they began transforming into giant pigs.

“Now, babies! Trample them with your numbers!”

Ugh!

I tensed up instinctively. Even a single one of those pigs had an overwhelming presence and now there was a whole army of them. But those pigs were dealt with immediately.

“Whaaat!? Did you forget about me, Duchess-san!?”

As soon as the Trump Soldiers turned into pigs, Sango went wild with her sword. In the blink of an eye, the pigs were reduced to pork chunks. It looked like a small tornado. Everything she touched was cut to pieces, swiftly drawn in and shredded by her massive blade.

The twins are crazy strong…

“They are strong. That level of ability at their age is extraordinary. I might be biased, but I believe they surpass even the ‘Monster’ of their generation.”

“Huh?”

By “Monster,” he means Botan, right? Are you saying the twins could beat Botan?

“No, no, no… Sure, the twins are strong, but they can’t beat Botan. She’s the real deal, you know? A bit of a chuuni, but still.”

“They can. Their raw skill tier may be below the ‘Monster,’ but they’ve been copying my tier-one skill for a long time. That’s no trivial feat.”

“No no no…”

“Yes.”

“Wait, what? You’re a siscon, aren’t you?”

“I am, and??”

While we were locked in a close-range stare-down, Shizuku joined Sango, and together they wiped out the pigs in no time. The Duchess turned bright red, trembling, with smoke puffing from her large nostrils in rage.

“H-How could this happen…! If it’s come to this, then—then!”

“And what exactly will you do now?”

Finally, Koufukuji closed in. He dashed forward and closed the distance, closing in on the panicking Duchess. She tried to flee, but it was already too late.

“Two to the torso, one to the skull.”

【Triple Shot】

In an instant, bullets tore into her body—two in the torso to disable her, and one that blew off the top of her head.

“Monobe.”

“Yeah!”

Still tiny, I leapt out from Koufukuji’s breast pocket and hurled a tart at the falling Duchess.

The tart made contact, and…The surrounding scenery flipped like a tatami mat, transforming instantly into a courtroom.

The court was in session. The trial for the tart thief had begun.

“To begin the trial of the defendant who stole the Queen’s tart…! The judge shall be none other than I, the King of Hearts—wha… WHAAA!?”

The King of Hearts saw tiny me standing on the prosecution desk and let out a cry of disbelief.

The Duchess sat lifeless in the defendant’s seat. Apparently, trials continued even after death. Next to me at the prosecution table sat Koufukuji.

“So this is how it works, huh. It’s just like you said, Monobe.”

“Yeah. So, what do we do now?”

“For now, win this with verbal combat. I’m a public servant. I’ve got legal knowledge. I’ll back you up.”

“Hey, that’s reassuring to hear.”

I rotated my neck to loosen up. Even tiny, I wasn’t at a disadvantage in a verbal fight. I’d just have to speak up louder than usual.

“Wha-… Wh-wh-what are you doing there! I sentenced you to death just moments ago! How are you alive!? And why is the Duchess in the defendant’s seat—”

“Judge! We request that the previous trial be declared void! We have identified the true tart thief as the Duchess! The very existence of this courtroom now is proof of that!”

“Eeeeek!?”

My loud declaration made the King of Hearts recoil in fear.

“B-But! The Duchess is of the same rank as the Queen of Hearts—”

“So what!? A trial must be held regardless! Right!? Or what, King of Hearts!? Are you trying to defy the laws of the Queen of Hearts!?”

“Ugh, uuuuuhhh, uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh!”

The King of Hearts burst into pathetic tears. That was when Koufukuji added his opinion.

“The Duchess framed Monobe for stealing the tart. Therefore, Monobe is innocent. I demand that we add the charge of ‘false accusation’ to the Duchess’s crimes.”

“Ugh… But! He insulted the court by calling my previous trial flawed, then stayed silent when reprimanded—that’s concealment! And then tried to kill me to overthrow this kingdom!”

“First of all, since a false accusation occurred, pointing out that the previous trial was flawed is entirely valid. It’s not an insult to the court if it’s based on truth.”

“Wha—!”

Koufukuji continued calmly.

“Secondly, the defendant has the right to remain silent. Being reprimanded and going quiet does not constitute concealment. In fact, the right to remain silent should’ve been stated at the beginning of the trial. The omission of that is a procedural flaw.”

“Ughh…”

“Furthermore, delivering a verdict that violates the constitutional right to freedom of thought is unjust. Merely having murderous intent doesn’t equate to attempted murder. The same goes for sedition.”

“Uuuuuuuuugh!”

“Therefore—”

Koufukuji stated firmly.

“Monobe is innocent. I demand the Duchess be charged with false accusation.”

“N-No… Nooo…”

The King of Hearts hung his head, unmoving. We waited a few seconds, but nothing changed.

“…Hey. What’s going on, Monobe?”

“No idea. But I think what Koufukuji just did was make a demand. Unless the King of Hearts delivers a verdict, the trial might not end.”

Which would be a problem—for me. I was still palm-sized. Then it hit me. The Queen of Hearts’s edict: ‘A trial by a judge.’

…It didn’t say “by the King of Hearts,” but by a judge.

“Monobe, what is it? Why are you smiling?”

“Koufukuji, I just thought of something great. Come along with me.”

“What?”

I took a deep breath and said,

“You know, the King of Hearts doesn’t seem fit to be a judge, don’t you think?”

“…True. He panicked in court, couldn’t speak in legal terms, ignored demands, and failed to issue a verdict.”

“…Huh?”

The King of Hearts looked up at our words.

“The judge should be replaced. He’s the one who disrespected the courtroom the most, right?”

“Exactly. I never considered the possibility that the judge would be the one insulting the court. I truly overlooked that part.”

“Wha-… What are you saying…?”

“So, King of Hearts. You’re unfit to be a judge and have insulted the courtroom—get over to the defendant’s seat.”

“Wha—”

My view shifted. Suddenly, I was seated in the judge’s chair, and the King of Hearts was now in the defendant’s seat.

“Oh! It actually worked. Even though that was just a plain hunch.”

“Wha-WHY!? This is absurd! Absuuuurd!”

From the judge’s high seat, I smiled down at the panicking King of Hearts.

“Well then, time to think up some fitting charges for the next defendant. Koufukuji, what crimes did the ex-judge commit when he fabricated charges and made a wrongful accusation?”

“Abuse of authority—specifically ‘abuse of authority by a special public servant.’ That verdict violating freedom of thought would fall under ‘false declaration.’ Though unprovable, it still counts.”

“Stop! I’m the King! The Queen of Hearts entrusted me with judicial authority!”

“Also, there’s ‘defamation’ and ‘damage to reputation.’ Layering nonsense on top of nonsense to justify a ruling—that’s malicious.”

“Alright. Then, based on the prosecution’s statement, I will now issue the verdict.”

“STOP! Don’t judge me! I’m the King! The ruler of this Heart Kingdom!”

The King of Hearts thrashed in the defendant’s seat, his face a mess of tears and snot. And to him, I declared loudly.

“For the crimes of ‘abuse of authority by a special public servant,’ ‘false declaration,’ ‘defamation,’ ‘damage to reputation,’ and ‘contempt of court’…”

“NOOOOOOOOOO!”

“I sentence the defendant to ‘execution by my hand.’”

I struck the desk with a tiny gavel made just for me.

“Court adjourned!”

At my voice, the courtroom folded away like a tatami mat. My body returned to normal size. I reached into my pocket, and the once-softened crowbar regained its original hardness.

“Hiiiii! Help! Somebody help meeeeee!”

Tossed outside the court, the King of Hearts tried to flee with a pathetic shuffle. But at that speed, even I could catch up easily.

【Hook Set】

“Eeeeek!?”

I dashed after the King, hooked his clothes with the crowbar, and he fell limp. One pull, and he collapsed forward. I swung the kitchen knife.

【Deadly Kitchen Knife】

“Gyaaaaaaaaah!”

The King of Hearts screamed in his death throes. I twisted the knife, silencing his voice, then hurled his body with the crowbar. The King’s corpse tumbled across the ground. Koufukuji and the twins approached me.

I slung the crowbar over my shoulder and smiled at that.

“Phew! That felt good! Koufukuji!”

I raised the hand that had just sheathed the kitchen knife. With a straight face, Koufukuji shrugged slightly—then smack, we nailed a perfect high five.

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