Vol 1 Chapter 62 – Thaw

My new song—my very own—I can create it without worrying about anyone. After all, this time it’s a song about my past self.

I’m going to sing about my life. The past and the present—everything, every last bit.

“I feel nothing—my heart’s ice-cold!
Days stand frozen while only time melts away!
I prayed… I prayed… someone take me out of here.
I’m nothing, but if you do, I’ll give you my everything!
Somebody, somebody… make this stopped world move!
Somebody, somebody!”

Each time I sing, it’s like my frozen past self starts to thaw. But in return, my chest aches—as if frostbitten. The emotions that slept so long in the ice have awakened.

Just for now, I’m my past self, I tell myself, and sing the pain that lay sleeping in the ice.

“Claiming I feel nothing is a lie!
The truth is it hurts so much I can’t stand it!
My heart is always screaming!
Somebody… somebody!”

I think they’re… decent lyrics, more or less. I jotted them down on the sheet music before me.

But my sheet music is still just a string of hertz. At a glance, I’m probably the only one who can play it.

“Rin-kun… that song…”

Before I knew it, Mitsuru-san had entered the soundproof room and was listening.

“Oh, maybe it’s my past. Singing is strange. It feels like it even adds color to these colorless days.”

That’s why I’m writing this song now. Frozen feelings make the world look faded. So right now, I’m melting them.

“I see…”

Mitsuru-san looked very worried.

But I think this way is probably better. Feeling the pain properly, accepting it, and moving forward.

My past self is still me. Even the days spent just waiting for change were a path I walked.

“But I can’t release this song, right?”

That’s also what I thought. Because it feels too raw. It’s definitely my ugly side.

“You should release it. It’s raw and it hurts to hear. All the more reason it will surely become someone’s salvation.”

When I heard that, I felt saved. I used to think a song that just sings about pain had no value.

“What’s the title?”

“Huh?”

“The title of the song.”

I hadn’t thought about it. But once I did, the answer came right away.

“Frostbite… I was thinking of naming it that…”

I thought it was probably a fitting name for this pain.

“Then would you sing it for me from the beginning? Mama, I’d love to hear it.”

I was surprised for a moment. I never thought anyone would want a song like this.

But since they asked, I want to answer. I shed my current self and reach for the emotions sleeping in the ice.

“I reach out but can’t touch…
The moon is endlessly far…
Like a wolf howling at the moon…
Yet glass stands between us…”

The moon beyond the glass, Michi Mama beyond the screen on my phone. Somehow, I always feel like I compare Mitsuru-san to the moon. Is it because of her name…?

Akizuki Michiru—it’s a name like the midautumn full moon.

Or maybe because the moon is a symbol of motherhood.

In any case, to me, Mitsuru-san looks like a guide in the night.

When I finished singing, Mitsuru-san wore a very complex expression. It was as if she were bearing pain.

“Rin-kun’s songs always hit too close…
They made me feel such unbearable pain.”

But, for some reason, every time I convey pain, my own pain fades away.

I have a feeling that a time will come when I won’t be able to sing this song anymore. Once my pain is completely gone, I won’t be able to express the pain woven into this song.

It’s like spitting out pus.

“Um, I’m sorry.”

But I hate causing pain.

“It just means your expression is so rich! It’s really good!”

“Ah, um… thank you.”

Frostbite suited the guitar well. In fact, no other instrument would have worked.

For the first time as a song I sing, it used only a standard-played guitar.

“Do you still feel that way?”

“Huh? Not at all… I guess?”

Right now, I’m happy. Because I’m happy, I can embrace my past self. All the pain and suffering.

I’m happy thanks to Mitsuru-san. I get to be with someone I love, I earn my own money, and I have so many fans. There’s no way this isn’t happiness.

But there’s one thing—I still don’t understand how I feel about Mitsuru-san.