Itadakimasu

I, Saki Yanegawa, love my brother.

Although, it might be slightly different from what this society calls ‘love’.

The love I hold for my brother isn’t the one you swear during your wedding ceremony but is more general, something mundane that lasts forever. 

In other words, it is not a temporary and intense emotion but something far more fundamental. 

Of course, I haven’t viewed my brother as a member of the opposite sex since I was born.

In my early childhood, I adored my big brother as a brother, relied on him like he was my father, and cherished him as a troublesome little brother.

Before I knew it, I found my eyes following his back. I spent much more time with my Nii-san than my parents, so it was just natural for me to admire him this much.

But then I reached a turning point: My debut in the entertainment industry.

Without ever asking for it, I was put on a pedestal and became popular. I was forced to take on entertainment activities despite not enjoying them at all.

As a young child, being surrounded by unknown adults would leave me with nothing but constant anxiety and the only adults I could have relied on, my parents, were just praising me and forcing me to live up to their expectations instead.

Being faced with such a drastic change in life, it was only natural for me to fall into a state of utter confusion at that time.

I used to be a normal child, but suddenly was showered with praise by everyone around me and got the plushies I wanted just by asking for them.

Finding myself in such an environment, I eventually came to think: “Well, I’m enduring this so much, so it’s obvious that they’re praising me.”

If this had gone on, my personality would have become horribly twisted but unfortunately, these adults didn’t really care about my change.

Only my big brother noticed it and scolded me. 

Come to think of it, he might have not scolded me for my sake. It could have been just jealousy since I was the one who was getting all the praise from our parents and the neighbours.

While I was getting more and more arrogant, it was him who told me: “Saki, you still have a long way to go, don’t get cocky!”

After hearing that, I understood that I could really trust my brother.

–He’ll be the same, even if everything else changes.

Believing in this, I was able to give my best.

If Nii-san praises me, if Nii-san scolds me, if Nii-san is just by my side, I could continue to give my best.

Strangely enough, this made me more successful as an entertainer and my schedule got busier, shortening the time I could spend with him.

Perhaps that was the moment when I stopped seeing him as family. That’s when my big brother became my reason to live.

Thanks to my big brother, I was able to correct my distorted personality. But as a consequence, a different kind of distortion had come to be.

–I started to love my blood-related brother as a man.

But I also knew at the same time, that those feelings would never come to fruition.

The wall of being blood-related siblings. Even if I felt that way, Nii-san did not.

In order to deal with this, I waited for my growth.

I waited to grow as a woman and then ensnare Nii-san.

That’s why I continuously improved my acting, such that no one would notice. I pretended to be just the sister of my big brother, a little sister who just gets along really well with her big brother.

However, since I was still a child, there were many instances where casual remarks from Nii-san made me lose control of my emotions and almost leak out my true feelings. Furthermore, Nii-san seemed to be rather sensitive to that aspect of me, he always managed to notice my approaches.

This led to many unforeseen failures but I also managed to acquire a great countermeasure against Nii-san.

I learned to use ‘truth’ in my acting.

I gave up on deceiving him fully but continued to just deceive slightly. 

The truth is, I love Nii-san as a man but I also adore him as an older brother.

So even if I end up driving him gradually to the corner, I was able to keep a convenient ‘truth’ to protect myself.

Ultimately, Nii-san hurt himself by doing something he disapproved of and I gained his sympathy instead. 

After all these tearful efforts, I was able to successfully corrupt Nii-san. 

I’m sure he’d feel disillusioned if he were able to peek into my mind, seeing how underhanded I truly am.

I’m fine with him never finding out about this side of me, he doesn’t need to know it.

I just want to feel safe, I want you to love me, the woman who has fallen for you.

“Itadakimasu!”

“Yeah, enjoy the meal.”

At night, it’s always me who makes dinner for Nii-san. It was somewhat of a custom we had during our childhood but it remained unchanged even after growing up.

“Oh, crab miso soup, how luxurious!”

“It’s just a normal blue crab but I’m glad you liked it.”

(TLN: Dictionary says “Japanese blue crab” but it’d feel weird if a Japanese person called it like that, so just go with blue crab…)

“Saki’s cooking is always really delicious.”

“It’s because I’m making them for Kousuke-san.”

My big brother continues to vigorously eat up the meal. Just seeing this makes me feel so happy.

I want my big brother to eat my meals forever, regardless of how busy I am.

As for why I’m so obsessed with that… You see…if Nii-san eats meals that I’ve cooked, then it feels as if he can only live because of me. Or that’s how I delude myself. 

I’m aware that this is rather a twisted thing to feel though… but I never considered stopping it. Raising my beloved brother with my own hands feels unbearably good after all.

“Come to think of it, people still talk to me about the drama you played in last year, how it had been well-received.”

“Oh, the one that was set in school?”

“Yup, some people mentioned how Saki was nice in her school uniform, others kept wondering about what happened after the ending and stuff.”

“That’s a shame. It’s a fictional story and there is no continuation.”

“You’re saying that but your tone is rather dry, isn’t it?”

“To be honest, I didn’t like that drama too much.”

In the drama I played in last year, the story ended with the male teacher and the female student promising to meet each other again when the student becomes an adult. 

Even if it was acting, showing affection to anything other than my big brother felt revolting to me. 

On the other hand, I could relate fairly well to the heroine’s feeling of ‘waiting for adulthood’, which turned in my favour and I played the role quite well as a consequence. The drama turned out to be a success because of that it seems. 

“But honestly, that last scene, where the heroine shed tears, wasn’t that kind of too good? Saki, were those tears real? Were you actually serious?”

“Serious? You must be joking, I didn’t feel a single shred during that scene, it was just uncomfortable.”

“You don’t have to go as far and call it ‘uncomfortable’…”

“Kousuke-san is rather pure, it seems. You should never believe the tears of an actress.”

“Eh? I feel like the dream is falling apart or something…”

(TLN: Probably refers to the feeling when you realise that most things in life are fake. Your Oshi doesn’t love you, that emotional scene you saw in the movie was all just an act, and so on.)

After dinner, we sat on our big couch and watched TV together. Naturally, my place was right next to Nii-san.

“Y’know, the couch is big. Don’t you want to give me a bit more room?”

“Isn’t it fine? We have always sat like this since we were kids.”

“No, I mean, y’know…it’s touching me…”

“What do you mean?”

“…Nothing.”

As for what my Nii-san was trying to say, I know of course. My body has grown well beyond my imaginations. Just leaning my shoulder against his allowed him to get in touch with parts of me with which he hadn’t been in touch with before. 

As an actress, it would have been more convenient to be slender, but as a woman I’m proud. 

I shouldn’t forget to thank my parents for this. Nii-san was fidgeting and bending slightly forward, I pretended to not notice and clung to him even further.

(TLN: Saki is thicc and takes full advantage of that) (ED/n: He should also just enjoy it or at least try to, it must feel nice…urayamashi)

As I was lovingly teasing my brother like this, the TV suddenly entered my vision. 

“The hot springs huh…”

The travel program was showing a scene of the hot spring to advertise that inn.

“That makes me feel nostalgic. Kousuke-san, do you remember the hot spring the two of us had visited?”

“A-Ah, I remember.”

“The bath was great. That reminds me, do you remember the promise we made then?”

“Promise…? Did we do that?”

“We promised to come back again one day, for sure.”

“Ah, is that so?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to go?”

“Yes, let’s get our revenge.”

“Revenge on what?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

(TLN: Not sure if this is used in English, Japanese uses ‘revenge’ (English word) to emphasise a regret that they want to redo. Like you mess up your first date at a certain place and then decide to go on another date there again to make up for it, to redo it and replace the failure with success)

“No, now I’m curious. What do you want to take revenge on? I’m somewhat scared now.”

“Hmm, when should we do it… How about doing it after I’ve become an adult?”

“…Okay, I don’t mind.”

“So it’s decided! I look forward to it, fufu”