Chapter 6 – The God Tier Class is Actually Just a Homeless Nap Session?! I Just Want to Bake Bread but the Edgelords Won’t Let Me Be!

The most powerful magical classroom in the entire kingdom was utterly silent.

Dust motes floated lazily through the bright beams of the massive crystal chandeliers above us while Professor Arthur snored loudly on the heavy mahogany desk, his dirty gray trench coat rising and falling slowly with every deep breath.

“He is actually dead to the physical world.”

I rubbed my tired eyes with flour-calloused knuckles.

“A true king meditates deeply in the hidden realm of dreams.”

Leo crossed his thick golden arms over his shiny metallic chest plate.

“He’s literally drooling on the expensive polished wood.”

I pointed an average finger at the growing puddle of vagrant spit.

“It is the sacred nectar of the sleeping ancient gods.”

Leo nodded with absolute heroic reverence.

“You are completely delusional right now.”

I slumped back heavily into the soft velvet cushion of my throne.

“The absolute master speaks to me through the hidden cosmic vibrations.”

Leo closed his bright blue eyes and hummed a soft, annoying tune.

“He’s just breathing heavily through a severely stuffed nose.”

I wanted to be back in the warm bakery kitchen this exact second because measuring fine wheat flour was a legit and peaceful science. You never had to guess if the dry yeast was secretly an evil demon lord, as it just rose perfectly when treated with basic human respect. Instead, this classroom was a poorly mixed batch of rotten magical ingredients.

“His rhythmic snoring contains the ancient coordinates to the lost temple.”

Leo tapped his heavy golden metal boot against the cold marble floor.

“It’s literally just a normal human sleep cycle.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose to stop a massive incoming headache.

“I will decipher the hidden holy message for the absolute good of the realm.”

Leo began pacing in a perfect and highly annoying square pattern across the rug.

“Please don’t do that.”

I watched his thick golden armor reflect the bright chandelier light directly into my eyes.

“The dark enemy forces will never decode this brilliant and flawless cipher.”

Leo tapped his shiny metal helmet with a heavy armored finger.

“There is absolutely no cipher here today.”

I felt my limited patience draining away into the void.

“The master is truly a magical genius of the highest order.”

Leo stopped pacing abruptly and saluted the sleeping vagrant teacher.

“He’s a literal homeless guy who just wants a regular weekly paycheck.”

I gestured wildly toward the empty dark soda bottle resting on the floor.

“Do not let his flawless peasant disguise fool your weak mortal eyes.”

Leo smiled that deeply heroic and insufferable bright smile right at me.

“I’m going to lose my actual mind in this room.”

I stared up at the high crystal ceiling and prayed for a sweet release.

“I will plunge his pathetic mind into an eternal and bottomless nightmare.”

Dantalion stepped forward quickly with thick black smoke pouring out of his spiked boots.

“Please don’t use weird dark magic on the sleeping homeroom teacher.”

I held both of my hands up in a desperate peace gesture.

“His weak mortal soul will shatter in the dark abyss of pure terror.”

Dantalion raised his pale and violently shaking hands high into the warm classroom air.

“You’re legit going to get us all expelled on the very first day.”

I looked around frantically for any sign of a normal magical academy supervisor.

“The supreme descendant of the dark lord fears no academic punishment.”

Dantalion began chanting those creepy and weird dark gargling words again.

“I will literally break your stupid jaw if you wake up my precious Dylan’s teacher.”

Sakura pulled a third solid silver candlestick out of her heavy leather bag.

“My dark incantation cannot be stopped by your mere physical violence.”

Dantalion glared at the bright red-haired princess with glowing red eyes.

“Try me right now, you edgy weirdo loser.”

Sakura swung the heavy blunt silver weapon through the air with terrifying speed.

“Both of you need to seriously chill out right this second.”

I jumped out of my comfortable velvet throne to block the incoming crazy murder.

“I’m only doing this to protect your precious eardrums, Dylan.”

Sakura lowered the heavy silver weapon slightly with a perfectly sweet and creepy smile.

“My eardrums are fine right now.”

I took a cautious step backward away from my violently crazy childhood friend.

“The dark curse is already active in the shadows.”

Dantalion pointed a skinny pale finger directly at the sleeping Professor Arthur, and a tiny pathetic spark of dark purple lightning hit the dirty gray trench coat.

“Did you literally just give the teacher static electricity?”

I blinked twice at the highly underwhelming display of supreme dark power.

“It is the terrifying spark of infinite spiritual agony.”

Dantalion crossed his skinny arms over his spiked black chest plate proudly just as Professor Arthur scratched his dirty stomach and let out a soft, gross fart.

“Your terrifying dark spell just gave him mild magical gas.”

I covered my nose with the cheap cotton collar of my student uniform.

“The supreme dark magic works in incredibly mysterious and subtle ways.”

Dantalion flushed a highly embarrassing shade of bright red.

“You are an absolute fraud.”

Sakura giggled a creepy and unhinged high-pitched laugh that echoed loudly.

“I will summon the blazing meteor of sorrow right now.”

Dantalion raised his trembling hands back toward the high crystal ceiling.

“Absolutely not.”

I clenched my bare fists with the daily muscle memory of kneading thick dough.

“You fear my ultimate and destructive magical power.”

Dantalion took a fast step backward toward the heavy iron door.

“I fear the grumpy janitor making me sweep up the broken stone.”

I relaxed my calloused hands and let out an exhausted sigh.

“A true golden hero cleans up the messy battlefield with pure honor.”

Leo patted my left shoulder entirely too hard with his heavy metal gauntlet.

“I’m absolutely not cleaning up a magical meteor strike for free.”

I shoved his thick golden hand off my average shoulder.

“We must carefully search the master’s desk for the hidden sacred texts.”

Leo pointed his glowing silver sword directly toward the heavy mahogany desk.

“You literally just mean the regular class syllabus for the semester.”

I walked carefully toward the front of the lavish and ridiculous SSS Rank classroom.

“The ancient and flawless scrolls of ultimate and divine kingdom knowledge.”

Leo followed right behind me with loud and heavy clanking metallic footsteps.

“It’s literally just a piece of standard cheap printer paper.”

I spotted a wrinkled piece of plain white paper sticking out of a desk drawer.

“Do not touch the sacred artifact with your bare and weak mortal hands.”

Leo gasped loudly and reached out for my right arm.

“I’m legit just grabbing the piece of paper.”

I easily dodged his slow armored grip and pulled the wrinkled white sheet out.

“The hidden dark protective wards will vaporize your entire physical body.”

Dantalion watched me closely from a safe and cowardly distance while I unfolded the cheap white paper slowly to stare directly at the messy blue ink.

“It’s literally a basic grocery list.”

I read the incredibly messy handwriting out loud for the room.

“The brilliant master disguises his profound wisdom in mundane earthly terms.”

Leo leaned over my right shoulder to look closely at the normal list.

“He literally wrote down cheap dark soda and a large frozen cheese pizza.”

I pointed a finger at the two unhealthy items on the wrinkled paper.

“The dark potion of supreme energy and the circular flat shield of total sustenance.”

Leo nodded slowly with deep and misplaced heroic understanding.

“You’re trying way too hard to make this list sound cool.”

I flipped the wrinkled paper over to check the blank back side.

“What does the rest of the ancient dark prophecy reveal to us?”

Dantalion crept closer to look directly at the stupid paper.

“He absolutely needs a new pair of cheap fuzzy socks.”

I read the last mundane item out loud for my insane audience.

“The soft foot coverings of the silent and deadly royal assassin.”

Leo stroked his smooth chin thoughtfully with a heavy armored hand.

“They are literally just regular socks.”

I folded the wrinkled paper back up and shoved it directly into my pocket.

“Give the holy document to me right this exact second.”

Leo held out an empty and highly demanding golden gauntlet directly toward me.

“No.”

I stepped away from the glowing and delusional kingdom hero.

“I am the rightful heir to the supreme dark and hidden knowledge.”

Dantalion reached a pale and violently shaking hand toward my pocket.

“If you touch my Dylan, I will literally snap your skinny pale fingers backward.”

Sakura suddenly appeared directly between me and the two annoying idiots.

“I am genuinely just trying to read the dark master’s hidden magical secrets.”

Dantalion quickly pulled his pale hand back to his spiked chest plate.

“His pants pockets belong entirely to me and only me.”

Sakura glared at them with a terrifying and murderous royal aura.

“That’s a very weird and possessive thing to casually say out loud.”

I shifted my weight uncomfortably on the cold marble floor.

“I will protect every single perfectly normal part of you.”

Sakura turned around and smiled that perfectly sweet and deeply creepy smile again.

“I really just want to go home and sleep in my normal bed.”

I walked back to my plush velvet throne and sat down heavily.

“The trial of extreme patience is the most difficult heroic trial.”

Leo remained standing perfectly straight in the center of the fancy room.

“There is absolutely no heroic trial happening here today.”

I stared directly at the heavy wall clock and prayed intensely for the magical bell to ring.

“The sleeping master is testing our sheer and unbreakable heroic willpower.”

Leo pointed his glowing silver sword directly at the high crystal ceiling again.

“The master is just lazy and wants a long nap.”

I rested my chin heavily on my hands and watched the sleeping vagrant teacher.

“I will prove my supreme dark superiority by remaining completely awake.”

Dantalion sat rigidly on his velvet throne with incredibly wide, glowing red eyes.

“Nobody cares at all about your stupid and edgy staring contest.”

Sakura sat directly next to me and leaned against my right shoulder.

“Please sit in your own personal space.”

I tried to lean slightly away from my incredibly clingy and crazy childhood friend.

“We are sharing our protective and warm magical body heat.”

Sakura wrapped her thin arm tightly around my completely average bicep.

“The room is perfectly temperature-controlled by highly expensive and ancient crystal magic.”

I pointed a tired finger directly at the glowing blue runes on the cold stone walls.

“I’m freezing cold.”

Sakura squeezed my arm even tighter with terrifying, raw physical strength.

“You’re going to literally cut off my blood circulation.”

I gave up trying to escape her solid and unyielding grip.

“A true golden warrior ignores the intense pain of a severed limb.”

Leo shouted randomly and loudly from the middle of the expensive Persian rug.

“Nobody is severing any physical limbs here today.”

I rubbed my tired eyes again and looked at the heavy magical wall clock. Ten long minutes of absolute, agonizing silence slowly passed as the heavy wooden wall clock ticked with a loud and annoying basic rhythm. Eventually, Professor Arthur shifted heavily on the mahogany desk and scratched his messy beard.

“The divine awakening is upon us all.”

Leo dropped heavily to one knee on the smooth and cold marble.

“I will strike his physical body down the exact second he opens his eyes.”

Dantalion gathered a tiny, pathetic cloud of black smoke in his pale hands right before Professor Arthur smacked his dry lips and rolled onto his dirty stomach.

“Five more minutes.”

The vagrant teacher mumbled softly into the hard and polished mahogany wood.

“He speaks the hidden divine numbers of the ancient and royal countdown.”

Leo bowed his shiny blond head deeply toward the lazy man.

“He literally just hit the imaginary snooze button on his internal biological clock.”

I let out a very long and heavy breath of warm air.

“His dark magical power must be recharging for a massive supreme magical attack.”

Dantalion quickly dispersed his tiny smoke cloud in absolute fear.

“You guys are legit the dumbest people I have ever met.”

Sakura rested her bright red head on my right shoulder once again.

“For once, I completely agree with you.”

I watched the minute hand on the heavy magical wall clock tick forward as five more agonizingly silent minutes slowly dragged by. Finally, a massive and deafening magical bell rang across the empty academy courtyard, its incredibly piercing sound echoing loudly through the high walls of our lavish classroom.

“The heavenly royal trumpet signals the end of the first divine trial.”

Leo stood up quickly and sheathed his glowing silver sword with a loud clank.

“We actually survived the supreme nightmare of the first magical academic day.”

Dantalion wiped an invisible and fake bead of sweat from his pale forehead.

“We literally just sat here and absolutely nothing happened.”

I stood up from my plush velvet throne and stretched my stiff back muscles.

“I successfully protected you from the highly annoying and gross magical bugs.”

Sakura stood up and grabbed her heavy leather backpack from the soft velvet cushion.

“I was never in any actual danger at all.”

I walked quickly toward the heavy iron door to escape this absolute madness.

“The unseen magical dangers are always the most lethal ones.”

Leo marched right behind me with heavy and loud clanking metallic steps.

“Please stop following me right now.”

I pushed the heavy solid iron door open with a long, loud metallic creak.

“A loyal shadow never abandons the true and hidden golden king.”

Leo smiled brightly and tapped his shiny golden chest plate twice quickly.

“I am absolutely not a magical king.”

I stepped out into the dark and blessedly cool stone academy hallway.

“I will completely destroy your physical body in the dark halls tomorrow.”

Dantalion sneered his classic and arrogant evil villain magical sneer.

“Sure, man.”

I waved my hand casually without looking back at the edgy loser.

“I will walk you safely back to your normal and basic dorm room.”

Sakura grabbed my left hand tightly with her surprisingly cold and firm fingers.

“I know how to walk by myself.”

I tried to pull my trapped hand away, but she completely refused to let go.

“A true royal princess must always secure her most precious personal belongings.”

Sakura pulled me firmly down the crowded and noisy magical school hallway. I looked back through the heavy open iron door one final time to see Professor Arthur still asleep on top of the hard mahogany desk, hugging a massive, jagged gray magical rock tightly like a soft teddy bear. The absolute highest magical rank in the kingdom was a complete joke.