Chapter 5 – My Homeroom Teacher is a Vagrant Who Accidentally Stole the Throne?!

The most powerful classroom in the entire academy smelled strongly of cheap dark soda. Professor Arthur snored incredibly loudly on top of the expensive mahogany teacher’s desk, wearing his dirty grey trench coat like a weird homeless blanket.

“Is he literally dead?”

I stared closely at the rising and falling chest of our new instructor.

“I think he is just taking a very deep nap.”

Dantalion cracked his pale knuckles with a sharp and echoing pop.

“I will send his pathetic soul directly to the dark abyss.”

Sakura pulled a solid silver candlestick from her heavy leather backpack again.

“I will smash his knees for totally wasting Dylan’s precious time.”

I held my hands up in a desperate gesture of total peace.

“Please do not assault the homeroom teacher on our very first day.”

Leo marched forward with heavy and extremely loud metallic footsteps.

“A true hero must wake the slumbering mentor.”

He grabbed the edge of the mahogany desk with both gauntleted hands and shook the massive wooden furniture with incredible physical strength. The empty soda bottle rolled off the edge, hitting the marble floor.

“Awaken from your deep slumber, old man.”

Professor Arthur let out a very loud and wet snort before slowly opening one highly bloodshot brown eye.

“Keep your voice down, you shiny golden alarm clock.”

Leo took a very respectful step backward away from the desk.

“The academy requires your legendary wisdom.”

Arthur sat up slowly and rubbed his messy black hair.

“The academy requires a brand new coffee machine in the break room.”

Dantalion crossed his arms over his spiked black chest plate.

“You are a total disgrace to the noble art of magical instruction.”

Arthur reached into the deep pocket of his stained trench coat.

“I am a total disgrace to a lot of things.”

He pulled out a massive and incredibly jagged gray rock, slamming it directly onto the polished mahogany desk. The heavy impact left a massive dent in the expensive wood, and I stared blankly at the giant dirty boulder.

“Did you just bring a literal boulder into the classroom?”

Arthur patted the dusty top of the gray rock affectionately.

“This is my emotional support stone.”

Sakura twirled the silver candlestick between her fingers like a deadly baton.

“I can easily smash that stupid rock into tiny pebbles.”

Arthur let out a very deep and extremely tired sigh.

“I sincerely wish you would.”

Leo gasped incredibly loudly and pointed a shaking metal finger at the rock.

“That is the legendary stone of the First King.”

I looked from the glowing blond hero back to the dirty vagrant.

“This guy is definitely not a king.”

Arthur nodded his head in complete and total agreement with me.

“I am absolutely not a king.”

Leo clenched his armored fists tightly at his sides. His bright blue eyes burned with a weird mix of intense admiration and deep anger.

“You are the sole chosen wielder of the Sacred Blade of Dawn.”

Dantalion sneered and pointed an accusing finger at Leo.

“I thought you possessed the stupid shiny dawn blade.”

Leo looked down at the glowing silver sword resting on his own hip.

“Mine is merely a very powerful replica.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose to fight an incoming migraine.

“This lore is getting entirely too complicated for a Monday morning.”

Arthur reached his dirty right hand toward the solid gray stone.

“Observe the absolute worst curse of my entire miserable life.”

He gripped an invisible handle sticking out of the solid rock and pulled upward with zero physical effort whatsoever. A blindingly bright golden sword slid smoothly out of the stone, filling the entire classroom with an overwhelming aura of pure holy magic. The light was so incredibly bright that I had to severely squint my eyes.

“That is actually a super cool party trick.”

Arthur held the glowing legendary blade like a piece of disgusting garbage.

“I absolutely hate this totally stupid shiny sword.”

Leo fell entirely to his knees on the expensive Persian rug. He bowed his blond head deeply toward the glowing weapon.

“It is incredibly beautiful and utterly flawless.”

Arthur tossed the holy sword casually onto the wooden desk, letting it clatter loudly against the heavy gray stone.

“It is a massive pain in my back.”

Sakura leaned over and inspected the glowing blade closely.

“Can I use it to slice my totally annoying enemies into pieces?”

Arthur scratched his unkempt and dirty beard lazily.

“You can certainly try.”

Sakura reached out to grab the golden hilt of the sword, but a massive spark of blue lightning shocked her hand violently. She pulled back quickly, hissing in genuine pain.

“The stupid shiny knife completely rejected me.”

Arthur picked up the sword again completely unharmed.

“It only allows the totally legitimate ruler of Tharnys to hold it.”

I looked at Arthur’s mismatched socks and dirty cheap sandals.

“So you are actually the legitimate king of the realm.”

Arthur groaned loudly and rubbed his face with his free hand.

“I was just a totally normal guy looking for a quiet place to nap.”

Dantalion laughed his deeply arrogant and evil laugh.

“A pathetic peasant stumbled upon the ultimate power.”

Arthur pointed the glowing tip of the legendary sword at Dantalion.

“I was sleeping on a random rock in the royal forest.”

I crossed my arms and waited for the rest of the ridiculous story.

“And then what happened?”

Arthur lowered the legendary blade back to the desk.

“I stretched my arms and accidentally pulled the sword out.”

Leo looked incredibly horrified and deeply offended by this information.

“The prophecy foretold a massive trial of strength and pure spirit.”

Arthur shrugged his shoulders completely uncaringly.

“The prophecy was totally full of hot air.”

I stared at the vagrant teacher in pure utter disbelief.

“You accidentally became the absolute ruler of the entire kingdom.”

Arthur nodded slowly and looked incredibly depressed about it.

“The royal guards found me and tried to put a heavy crown on my head.”

Sakura glared intensely at the glowing holy weapon.

“You should have just thrown the stupid thing away.”

Arthur let out a hollow and completely joyless laugh.

“I threw it directly into the deepest part of the ocean.”

I raised my eyebrows in genuine surprise.

“Did it float back to the surface?”

Arthur shook his messy head rapidly.

“I woke up the next morning and it was under my pillow.”

Dantalion scoffed loudly and crossed his arms over his chest plate.

“You clearly lack the dark resolve to truly banish an object.”

Arthur stared at the edgy dark lord with completely dead eyes.

“I threw it into the roaring mouth of an active volcano.”

Leo gasped entirely in shock and horror.

“You subjected the sacred relic to the fiery molten depths.”

Arthur picked his ear with his pinky finger casually.

“It appeared directly in my bowl of cereal the very next day.”

I actually felt a tiny bit of sympathy for the weird homeless guy.

“That sounds highly inconvenient and extremely annoying.”

Arthur pointed a dirty finger right at my totally average face.

“You are the only person who actually understands my pain.”

Sakura stepped totally in front of me defensively.

“Do not point your filthy peasant fingers at my precious Dylan.”

She pulled the solid silver candlestick out again to threaten him, but Arthur ignored her terrifying murderous aura completely.

“I tied it to a giant metal anchor and dropped it off a huge cliff.”

I leaned forward in my incredibly comfortable velvet throne.

“I am guessing that absolutely did not work either.”

Arthur rubbed his tired and heavily bloodshot eyes.

“It shattered my brand new flat screen television into a million pieces.”

He sighed a very depressed and utterly defeated sigh.

“I had literally just bought it during a major holiday sale.”

Sakura giggled entirely inappropriately at his extreme misfortune.

“You have absolutely terrible luck for a so-called king.”

I felt a deep chill run down my spine at the sheer absurdity of it all.

“Did you try locking it inside a heavy metal safe?”

Arthur nodded his head very aggressively and angrily.

“I bought a massive solid titanium bank vault strictly for the sword.”

Leo leaned forward with pure heroic anticipation.

“Did the holy blade remain completely sealed within the metal prison?”

Arthur stared directly at the high crystal ceiling with totally dead eyes.

“I woke up the next morning and the sword was stuck in my bathroom mirror.”

I winced completely physically at the terrible mental image.

“That is highly dangerous and a totally severe safety hazard.”

Arthur crossed his dirty arms over his stained trench coat.

“I cut my chin trying to shave around the stupid glowing blade.”

Dantalion began pacing back and forth across the expensive Persian rug.

“I would simply consume the holy weapon with my bottomless shadow magic.”

Arthur pointed a dirty thumb at the heavy gray rock on the desk.

“I literally fed it to a massive ancient swamp monster.”

I gasped slightly at the sheer crazy escalation of his story.

“You fed a legendary magic artifact to a swamp beast?”

Arthur picked a piece of imaginary lint off his shoulder.

“The monster totally threw up the sword directly onto my front lawn.”

Sakura covered her mouth and laughed a very creepy, high-pitched laugh.

“Even monsters refuse to eat your stupid shiny garbage.”

Leo stepped entirely defensively in front of the gray rock.

“Do not insult the glorious sacred relic of our kingdom.”

Sakura glared violently at the glowing blond hero.

“I will insult absolutely anything I want to insult.”

She pulled out a second solid silver candlestick from her heavy bag.

“I will beat you completely senseless with expensive decorative items.”

I quickly jumped out of my comfortable velvet throne again.

“Please put the heavy blunt weapons away, Sakura.”

She stopped completely dead in her tracks and smiled sweetly at me.

“I will only put them away because you asked so nicely, Dylan.”

She dropped the heavy silver candlesticks onto the marble floor, letting them land with a very loud and completely obnoxious clatter. Meanwhile, Leo returned his intense and angry gaze back to Professor Arthur.

“You are a completely unworthy vessel for the divine power.”

Arthur nodded extremely slowly and totally agreed with the hero.

“I am the absolute least worthy person in the entire world.”

I really wanted to just go home and knead some simple bread dough.

“So you just gave up and started carrying the giant rock around?”

Arthur patted the totally jagged edges of the gray boulder.

“It actually makes a surprisingly good and very firm pillow.”

I stared at the incredibly sharp points on the hard stone surface.

“That looks extremely uncomfortable for your neck.”

Arthur shrugged his shoulders completely uncaringly.

“It is way better than waking up with a sword in my cereal.”

Dantalion stopped pacing and pointed a pale finger at the teacher.

“I will extract the holy weapon and snap it completely in half.”

Arthur pushed the heavy boulder slightly closer to the edge of the desk.

“I will literally pay you five hundred gold coins if you actually break it.”

Dantalion stopped completely and looked totally confused.

“You want me to completely destroy the symbol of ultimate power?”

Arthur pulled a dirty leather wallet from his trench coat pocket.

“I will make it a thousand gold coins right now.”

I shook my head in total disbelief at the ridiculous bribery.

“You cannot pay a student to destroy a national historical artifact.”

Arthur gestured lazily at the heavy stone on the desk.

“I eventually completely refused the golden throne and ran away.”

Leo stood up slowly from the expensive Persian rug, his hands shaking with pure poorly concealed rage.

“You abandoned your divine duty to the kingdom of Tharnys.”

Arthur let out another massive and totally exhausted yawn.

“I just wanted to be a totally normal guy who takes long naps.”

I completely related to his desire for a normal boring life.

“I just want to bake bread and live a totally quiet life.”

Arthur smiled a highly genuine and incredibly tired smile.

“We are kindred spirits in a classroom full of total lunatics.”

Leo drew his replica sword with a loud and sharp metallic ring.

“I will claim the true blade and ascend the throne in your place.”

Arthur pushed the gray rock and the glowing sword toward the edge of the desk.

“Please totally be my guest.”

Leo grabbed the hilt of the legendary sword with both hands and pulled with all of his massive heroic physical strength. The muscles in his thick arms bulged against his shiny golden armor as he strained for an entire highly uncomfortable minute. However, the sword did not move a single microscopic inch. It was completely glued to the polished mahogany wood.

“The blade simply tests my inner heroic resolve.”

Arthur rested his chin on his dirty hands.

“It is totally bound to my specific soul signature or whatever.”

Dantalion began chanting dark words rapidly under his breath as black smoke started pouring thickly out of his heavy leather boots.

“I will shatter the holy bond with my absolute supreme darkness.”

He fired a massive bolt of black lightning directly at the sword, but it hit the glowing blade and instantly evaporated. Dantalion staggered backward completely out of breath.

“The sheer density of the holy magic is entirely overwhelming.”

Arthur picked up the sword easily and stabbed it back into the gray rock. The blinding holy light finally faded away into a totally dull gray stone.

“I am entirely stuck with this incredibly heavy cursed rock forever.”

I looked around the ridiculously lavish and incredibly tense classroom.

“So why are you a teacher at the magic academy exactly?”

Arthur laid completely flat on his back on the mahogany desk again.

“The king forced me to take a steady job to pay off my royal debts.”

Sakura tilted her head slightly in total confusion.

“What kind of royal debts did you possibly incur?”

Arthur closed his eyes peacefully.

“I accidentally destroyed a small village trying to get rid of the sword.”

Leo looked completely devastated by this terrible new information.

“A true king protects the innocent villages from total destruction.”

Arthur waved his hand dismissively from his flat resting position.

“I paid for the totally necessary magical reconstruction.”

I walked over to my plush velvet throne and sat down heavily.

“This entire situation is completely insane.”

Sakura sat down directly next to me and smiled very sweetly.

“Do not worry Dylan, I will fiercely protect you from the homeless king.”

Dantalion sat down on his own throne and glared at Arthur.

“I refuse to be taught by a coward who rejects ultimate supreme power.”

Leo remained standing completely perfectly straight in the center of the room.

“I will learn from his massive failures and become the ultimate true king.”

Arthur pulled his dirty gray trench coat completely over his face.

“You guys are entirely exhausting and totally annoying.”

I raised my hand into the air again.

“Are we actually going to learn any magic spells today?”

Arthur let out a very soft and completely relaxed snore.

“Absolutely not.”

I lowered my hand slowly in totally deep disappointment.

“We are at the absolute best magic school in the entire kingdom.”

Arthur spoke from completely underneath his heavy dirty coat.

“You are all in the absolute God Tier SSS Rank.”

Dantalion nodded his head proudly at the totally obvious fact.

“We are the supreme elite of the entire magical generation.”

Arthur shifted his weight to get more comfortable on the hard wood.

“Exactly.”

I stared blankly at the completely lazy teacher.

“What does that even mean for our daily magical education?”

Arthur let out one final and incredibly deep sigh of pure laziness.

“Since you are Rank SSS, you can totally manage on your own.”

The entire classroom fell into complete and totally stunned silence, and Arthur immediately went completely back to sleep on the heavy desk.