Chapter 4: Sideburns-senpai

Tamura stood before the bulletin board, adjusting his sideburns as he scanned the headlines with a sneer.

『An Overly-Cute Death Ghidorah Appears!!! ~Could It Be Shinichi Suda-kun?!~』

『Popularity Poll: Guys We Want to Bang

Number One Shinichi Suda (2-D)

——A guy like this really exists?!

——His god-tier interactions are like something out of a manga

——His kindness got all of America wet

Number Two Teppei Amada (3-A)——』

『Shin-chan’s Zinger of the Day: “Are you a giant isopod?”』

He didn’t like it. Everywhere he looked, it was Suda, Shinichi, Shin-chan; some kouhai who wasn’t even that good-looking was plastered all over the board.

With a “Tsk,” Tamura clicked his tongue, then violently ripped the papers down, crumpled them, and crushed them in his fist.

“Hey, Tamura-kun, don’t you think this Suda guy is getting a little too cocky lately?” Yamada said.

“Yeah. You’re right. Guess it’s about time we put him in his place.”

The nail that sticks out gets hammered down. Time to teach him how harsh the world can be.

With Yamada in tow, Tamura headed for the second-year classrooms.

From the entrance to Class 2-D, he scanned the room.

It seemed Suda wasn’t there. So he’s the type to eat in another classroom during lunch.

Tamura called out to a nearby girl. “Hey, you.”

The girl spun around with a strange energy. “Yes, yes! What can Mako-chan do for youuu?”

“Where did Suda go?”

“Shin-chan? He just kinda wandered out of the classroom a minute agooo.”

Tsk. Lucky bastard.

He’d wanted to embarrass Suda in front of his classmates, but the lunch break was about to end. It couldn’t be helped.

“Tell Suda to come to Class 3-B after school. And that Shunpei Tamura was the one who said so.”

“Right away~”

I don’t know if you’re the Student Council Vice President or whatever, but your little reign is about to end, Suda!

♦︎

With only ten minutes left in the lunch break, I was on my way back from the restroom when a vaguely familiar girl called out, “Suda-kuun❤︎.”

It’s fine, it’s fine. I remember. I never forget a girl’s name. I’ve perfectly memorized the names of everyone in my class.

Projecting an air of calm that said, ‘Obviously I know who you are,’ I coolly spoke her name.

“Yo. What’s up, Manko?”

“You’re making a horrrrrible mistake, Suda-kun! I’m Mako! Not Ma*ko!”

What a nitpicker.

What’s the difference between Mako and Ma*ko, anyway? Mako’s got one, after all.

When I asked her what she wanted, Manko told me that a male senpai had summoned me.

After school… to 3-B, huh.

Well, this sucks. But if a senpai calls, I guess I have to go.

I left the classroom… immediately.

Seven minutes until class started. It would be close.

Oh well. Worst case, I’ll just take the class in 3-B, and it won’t count as skipping.

Grabbing my writing utensils, I headed for 3-B.

Near the entrance to Class 3-B, there was a girl with short hair who looked pretty energetic.

“Senpaaaai!” I yelled, running toward her while waving my hand.

“Whoa! Huh?! Shinichi Suda-kun?! The real one?! No way! You’re so cute❤︎”

She immediately started patting my head.

What a rude senpai, and we’ve only just met.

Wait a second… a rude senpai—that means she must be Tamura-senpai! Summoning me out of the blue is super rude!

While she stroked my hair, I went ahead and introduced myself.

“Nice to meet you, Tamura-senpai. I’m Suda. You don’t look very manly, Tamura-senpai. You’re cute.”

As a question mark floated over the girl senpai’s head, a furious shout suddenly erupted from the side.

“Like hell it’s her! I’m Tamura! Are you messing with me, huh?!”

I trembled at the sudden appearance of a man.

Scary—

—His sideburns… are scarily long!

Sideburns and bangs, unnaturally straightened from their frizzy state. Narrow eyes. Eyebrows so thin you’d think they were drawn on with an extra-fine Mackee marker.

There’s no doubt. This is Tamura-senpai. His whole look is just rude Tamura.

“Tamura Power… 7000… 8000…! Impossible…!”

“What the heck is ‘Tamura Power,’ Shin-chan?!”

I slowly turned my face to the girl senpai who had interjected and stared at her intently.

“Huh, what?! What is it?!”

“Tamura Power… only 5. Pathetic.”

“Should I be sad about that? Or happy?”

Tamura-senpai suddenly slammed his hand on the desk.

Thwack. A weak sound barely registered.

Apparently unsatisfied with the noise, Tamura-senpai slammed his hand down again.

BAM. Still weak, but it seemed to pass muster. Tamura-senpai finally roared.

“Are you making fun of me, huh?!”

“Don’t mess with Tamura-kun’s name! Right, Tamura-kun?” a chubby guy said. Wait a sec. Who are you? I don’t get it, but he seems like an accessory, so I’ll just ignore him.

“In the first place, I said after school, didn’t I?! Idiot!” said Tamura-senpai.

“Do you even understand Japanese?” said Accessory-senpai.

Wow, their timing is perfect.

I took a deep breath to calm myself down. You have to stay calm in these situations. Only by staying calm yourself can you get the other party to calm down and talk things out. If you just keep pissing them off, you won’t get anywhere. To have a calm discussion, I’ll ban myself from calling him ‘Tamura’ from now on.

I calmly began.

“However, Sideburns-senpai.”

“Who are you calling Sideburns-senpai! I’ll kill you!”

I made him mad right away. Why?

“I have student council duties after school. Please understand.”

“Tsk. Student council, my ass. Don’t get so full of yourself just because you’re a little well-known! I bet you cheated on that ‘Guys We Want to Bang’ ranking, too!”

Sideburns-senpai spat out some words I couldn’t just ignore, practically spraying saliva.

Wait, what’s this ‘Guys We Want to Bang’ ranking?! I’m ranked in that?

Isn’t this school messed up?

But now I was starting to see the picture.

Yeah, if that’s the case, I guess it can’t be helped if he suspects me of cheating.

There are plenty of guys in this school who are better looking than me.

Even Sideburns-senpai, aside from his ridiculously high Tamura Power, has a pretty well-put-together face.

The only reason I’m ranked is probably because of some stupid prank like, ‘Hey, let’s all vote for him and get him ranked.’ It’s truly in bad taste.

“So, what do you want? Don’t tell me you called me here just to complain about that ranking.”

I was getting tired of this, so I pushed him to get to the point.

Sideburns-senpai smirked nihilistically. “That’s exactly why.”

So that was exactly why, huh…

This senpai is a lost cause.

Oblivious to my complete revulsion, Sideburns-senpai grinned slimily and pointed to the floor.

“Apologize for cheating in the ranking. By doing a dogeza.”

He wanted me to do a dogeza, huh…

Yep, this senpai is definitely a lost cause.

The girls around us started chattering.

“Isn’t a dogeza a little much?”

“Huh? But, Shin-chan didn’t cheat.”

“I voted for Shin-chan.”

“Me too, me too.”

The girl senpais got excited talking about the popularity poll.

“Shut the hell up! You peanut gallery!”

Sideburns-senpai roared, and the area fell silent.

“Now, now, don’t get so worked up, Sideburns-senpai. Have one of these and calm down.”

I offered Sideburns-senpai a milk-flavored candy from my pocket. He was probably getting worked up because he was low on calcium.

“I don’t need that! And you! Stop calling me Sideburns!”

Oops. I made him even angrier.

The more I tried to calm him down, the more furious he got. Why?

It can’t be helped.

This is getting to be a pain, so I guess I’ll just do what he wants.

I slowly placed my hands on the floor.

“Huh?! No way?! Shin-chan!”

“You can’t do that! A dogeza…”

“How pitiful…”

“Run, Shin-chan!”

The girl senpais shouted their objections.

But when Sideburns-senpai glared at them, they all fell silent.

Fine. I’ll show you.

My…

perfected…

ultimate dogeza!

I lay face down… and stretched out in a straight line.

Silence enveloped the classroom.

“Huh? Uh, wh-what are you doing?!” Sideburns-senpai tried to maintain his bravado, but it was failing.

With my nose touching the floor, I smiled defiantly.

“What do you mean? This is a doge-ne. It’s the ultimate apology, where a greater area of my body is in contact with the floor than in a regular dogeza. Now, Sideburns-senpai! Please accept my sincerity.”

“Wha… huh?! …You… stop messing around!”

For some reason, Sideburns-senpai seemed a little flustered as he got angry.

I was apologizing for a crime I didn’t even commit, so what was his problem?

“Shin-chan fell asleep here!”

“He’s too cute!”

“A blanket! Does anyone have a blanket?!”

“A picture! Quick! Photography team!”

Click, click. Click-click.

In the storm of shutter sounds and continuous flashes, Sideburns-senpai covered his face and took a step or two back.

I’m used to having my picture taken all the time, so this is nothing new to me. I’m even starting to get used to being secretly filmed by fixed cameras. You could say I’m a pro at being a victim of secret filming.

But it seemed Sideburns-senpai was different. He was completely intimidated by the non-stop shutter sounds. He hadn’t honed his skills as a victim of secret filming enough.

Just then, a familiar face passed by.

“………………Shin-chan, what are you doing?”

It was the President and Kaoru-senpai. This was the third-year area, so it was only natural.

I answered while still facing the floor.

“Can’t you tell by looking? It’s a dogeza.”

“I’m asking because I can’t tell, Shin-chan. Besides, is that… a dogeza?”

The President questioned my dogeza.

Spare me your nitpicking. No matter what anyone says, this is a dogeza—or rather, a doge-ne! Go study up by watching Baki!

While I was arguing with the President, Kaoru-senpai seemed to be getting the story from the girls around us.

Then, she confronted Sideburns-senpai.

“Tamura-kun. I don’t think it’s right to pick on a kouhai and call them out like this.”

Kaoru-senpai chose her words carefully, but her face was accusatory.

It’s rare to see a girl who can be this assertive with a guy.

“Shut up! This has nothing to do with girls! Stay out of it!”

Sideburns-senpai tried to hit Kaoru-senpai.

—But, Kaoru-senpai easily dodged it and put him in a joint lock. Sideburns-senpai was pulled to the ground.

“Gah, you bitch! Girls are supposed to protect guys! Don’t mess with me, you piece of shit!”

Sideburns-senpai, at a loss for words, said something pathetic.

Kaoru-senpai let him go and said.

“That’s right. I want to protect the people who are important to me. So I’d appreciate it if you’d stop messing with Shinichi.”

Th-that’s so cool…!

I couldn’t help but feel a little flutter in my heart.

For some reason, my face got hot watching Kaoru-senpai sweep back her long, black hair. I couldn’t help but look away.

“Damn it! You’ll regret this, student council!”

Sideburns-senpai left, his sideburns swaying.

Accessory-senpai had disappeared at some point. What a disloyal accessory. Not attached at all.

“Shin-chan, don’t sleep in a place like this,” the President said as she helped me up and brushed the dust off my clothes.

When I gave her a milk-flavored candy as thanks, she popped it in her mouth happily. Cute.

“Kaoru-senpai. Thank you very much. You really helped me out.”

“Don’t mention it,” the President answered first for some reason. With the President, everything becomes her achievement.

Kaoru-senpai gave me a gentle smile.

“Shinichi is popular, so you’ll probably have to deal with some jealousy from some of the guys from now on, but if anything happens, you can count on me.”

“Y-yes.”

For some reason, I was nervous answering her. I was too embarrassed to keep looking at Kaoru-senpai’s face.

Could this be—love?

Wanting to find out, I looked at Kaoru-senpai again.

Kaoru-senpai said.

“So………… that’s…… as thanks—not really, but…… it would be a big help if you could whip me next time.”

Kaoru-senpai rubbed her nose and smiled shyly.

I understood.

—Oh, this isn’t love.

I’ve never seen anyone who was helped by being whipped before.

The reason I was embarrassed looking at Kaoru-senpai was probably the embarrassment of, ‘But, this senpai is a huge masochist.’ That must be it.

A sigh escaped me as I watched Kaoru-senpai continue to reveal her fetishes, “And a ball gag, too—oh, and of course, tortoise shell bondage is okay, too.”

She’s got it together where it counts, and then she ruins it all at the end.

That’s this student council for you.