Chapter 22: The Idiot Drill

I was running a little late. I jogged toward the student council room.

Just as I put my hand on the door, I heard rough, argumentative voices from inside.

“It’s definitely the crotch!”

“No! It’s the butt!”

“You guys are clueless. It’s obviously the tongue!”

What in the world are you guys arguing about?!

Apparently, a group of girls passing the student council room heard them too, and they walked away giggling. How embarrassing. I wished a hole would open up and swallow me whole…

Letting my anger take over, I threw the door open roughly.

“Ah, Shin-chan-senpai, hellooo.”

“Yeah, hello—not! What are you guys arguing about?! I could hear you all the way outside!”

“Eh? Your most attractive feature, Shin-chan.”

Momoyama said, as if it were nothing.

Am I a side of beef?! Couldn’t you at least use a phrase like “favorite thing about you” or something?!

“Shinichi, you tell them. It’s obviously the crotch, right?”

“My most charming feature is my crotch—are you kidding me?! Don’t make me say it myself! This just makes me sound like a total pervert!”

“Shin-chan-senpai has always been a pervert,” Misaki-chan said, giving me a thumbs-up, but I ignored her.

“Nooope. You don’t get it at all, Kaoru-senpai,” Momoyama said, her voice laced with a bit of scorn. “Look at this butt! It’s so plump and meaty!” Momoyama declared, pointing at my behind.

“Could you not describe it like you’re reviewing shrimp on a food show?”

“You’re the one who doesn’t get it. The crotch is the source of all eros, you know? When a man fires something off, it always comes from the crotch! That’s because it’s the most important part,” Kaoru-senpai argued passionately. The more fervent she got, the more I recoiled.

“The butt has a hole, too! And he’s a guy! Can you believe it? That’s an incredible thing!” Momoyama shot back, not to be outdone. And again, I recoiled.

And now, Misaki-chan decided to join the fray. My revulsion knew no bounds.

“No, no, it’s gotta be the tongue! Just imagine it. That smooth tongue slithering over your body.”

Gulp.

I heard someone swallow. I’d really rather they not have weird fantasies with me standing right here.

It was at that moment that the door flew open. A frantic Student Council President burst into the room. It was always this short-stuff president who brought trouble.

“Everyone! This is bad! It’s a raid! There’s a raid in the courtyard!”

“Huh? Like some old-school delinquent—”

As if to cut me off, everyone shot to their feet, their chairs clattering.

“Grab your weapons! Move out!”

At the President’s command, everyone moved with the sharp, crisp motions of trained soldiers, each grabbing a personal item from Kaoru-senpai’s bag before rushing out.

“Hey!? Why my personal stuff?!”

I followed their lead, picked an item from Kaoru-senpai’s bag, and ran after them.

“Hey! Shinichiii! Those are panties! Those are my pantiiieees!”

With Kaoru-senpai’s screams echoing behind us, we headed for the courtyard in question.

◆

Between the schoolyard and the school building was a space with a paved stone floor. With a pair of basketball hoops set up there, the students called it the “Courtyard.”

If you walked straight toward the school building from the back gate, this courtyard was the first thing you’d run into.

The “raiders” in question were waiting in that courtyard.

I was picturing a classic girl-gang leader, the kind with a long skirt and a wooden sword, but the girls in the courtyard were the complete opposite.

The raiding girls lined up before us all looked rather prim and proper.

The girl at the front seemed to be their representative. When she elegantly swept her hair back, her soft, light brown curls, wound like spiral staircases, swayed.

Someone said:

“A drill.”

That single word said it all. Every positive first impression—her ‘ladylike elegance,’ her ‘cute features’—was completely overwritten by ‘drill.’

Why that hairstyle? She ought to realize she’s drilling—bzzzt, bzzzt, bzzzt—holes right through her own first impression.

“It’s been a while, little one,” the drill-haired young lady said to the President.

The President gave a defiant smile. “I don’t know who you are, but you’ve got some nerve.”

They were talking past each other.

The young lady over there was acting like they were old acquaintances, but the President was acting like it was their first meeting.

The President had probably just forgotten her.

The drill-haired young lady looked down, a terribly sad expression on her face. I kind of felt sorry for her.

“A-Anyway!” the young lady said, regaining her composure. “Thank you for the reception, members of the Student Council.”

Seeing that haughty attitude now, right after her sad expression, just made my heart ache for her.

I wonder what she’s feeling right now, keeping that smile on her face. Poor thing.

“An invasion from another school? We’ll crush you!”

The President readied her whip. The name ‘Kaoru’ was written on the handle.

“Huh…? An invasion?” the young lady said, narrowing her eyes with a dubious look.

Here, too, they were talking past each other.

“There are quite a few of them. What a pain.”

Misaki-chan spun a pair of handcuffs around her finger. They were engraved with the name ‘Kaoru.’

“But it’s not like we can’t handle them.”

Momoyama crossed the electric massagers in her hands and turned them on.

BZZZZZ, BZZZZZ

The name ‘Kaoru’ was written on them in permanent marker.

“Aren’t your weapons a little… unconventional?!”

As I retorted while clutching Kaoru-senpai’s panties, she smacked me from behind. “You’re one to talk!”

“I don’t know what kind of misunderstanding you’re having, but if you would please put those obscene items—”

“Victory goes to the one who strikes first!”

Ignoring everyone, the President tangled her whip around the young lady’s legs and tripped her. She handled that whip like Indiana Jones. The drill-haired young lady, surprisingly, let out a cute, “Kyaa!”

Misaki-chan wasted no time getting behind the young lady.

Click.

It looked like she’d cuffed her hands behind her back. With Kaoru-senpai’s S&M handcuffs.

“Wh-Wha?! What is this?! What in the world is going on?!”

I couldn’t let them show me up. I closed in on the immobilized young lady and swiftly pulled Kaoru-senpai’s sheer black panties over her head. Since they were see-through, they didn’t even work as a blindfold.

“Eeep?! Whose are these?! Whose panties are these?!”

This all happened in a mere five seconds.

“S-Such teamwork!”

“Amazing! So this is the Ahona High student council!”

“Such elegant panty-work!”

The young lady’s entourage began to murmur. Had they decided to settle into the role of color commentary? Not a single one of them tried to help her. A heartless bunch, all of them.

Tap, tap.

Momoyama stepped forward, two electric massagers gripped in her hands.

“Now. Let’s make you regret picking a fight with us.”

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

The electric massagers roared to life.

“W-w-w-wait! Please, wait! This is a mistake! It’s all a big mistake! Will you listen to me?! I’m begging you, just hear me out!”

The young lady scrambled backward, begging for her life. Momoyama’s response—

“No more talking!”

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

The massager roared as she pressed it against the drill-haired young lady’s crotch.

“Censored-censored-censored-censored~!❤︎ Censoooored!❤︎ Cen-sore-ahhhhhhhhhh!❤︎”

That’s some intense censoring!

Just what you’d expect from someone who’s gotten chewed out by the admins for being too extreme!

Wait, what am I even talking about?!

(Five minutes later)

Flushed bright red, the young lady lay there, completely spent.

The spot where she’d been sitting was soaking wet.

I thanked God for this day.

“So, what did you come here for in the first place?” I asked, crouching down beside the young lady.

But she was just panting, her breath ragged, and stared blankly without answering.

The President answered instead.

“What do you mean? It was a raid, wasn’t it?”

“No, no. Didn’t you hear her saying it was a ‘mistake’? Were you even listening, President?”

Honestly. This is why it’s so annoying when the President doesn’t listen to people.

“If you knew, then why didn’t you stop them?!”

Ah. The young lady was back online.

She composed her breathing and shakily sat up.

“My name is Toujou Saki, Student Council President of Kita-Ahona High. I most certainly did not come here to raid your school!”

“Well, if that’s the case, you should’ve said so sooner.”

“I tried to, and then you attacked me while screaming about a first strike!”

The President just grinned and shrugged. Annoying as always.

“Then why did you come here?”

At my question, Saki-senpai turned her feverish gaze on me and smiled gently.

“Shinichi-sama. I came for you.”

The drill-haired young lady kept staring at me.

I stared back and said:

“Is your brain all drilly?”

“It is not drilly! And what does ‘drilly’ even mean?!”

What is this girl talking about? This is the first time I’ve ever met her.

Drill-senpai hurriedly added an explanation.

“After watching Smile, Y’all the other day, it just hit me. I knew that you were my soulmate.”

“If that broadcast is what made it ‘hit you,’ there’s something seriously wrong with you,” Kaoru-senpai said with a frown.

She had a point. All I did that day was get a boner, lick Kaoru-senpai’s fingers, and say something that bordered on a broadcasting violation. There was zero reason for anyone to fall for me.

“Even so! I want you, Shinichi-sama. My investigation is complete; I know you are not yet dating that washed-up model over there!”

Kaoru-senpai glared at Saki-senpai.

The other student council members were also shooting daggers at Saki-senpai, their hostility clear.

But Saki-senpai wouldn’t stop.

“The upcoming ball-sports tournament,” Saki-senpai said, raising a single finger. “You’re aware that our school and yours will be holding it jointly, yes?”

Come to think of it, I think I heard a teacher mention something about that. That we’d be competing with the neighboring Kita-Ahona High.

The President replied in a cold voice. “What about it?”

“For that tournament, let’s have an exhibition match between your student council and ours! Let’s make it clear which of us is superior. And when we are victorious… Shinichi-sama, you will transfer to our school!”

What is this Idiot Drill talking about?

“There’s no way we can accept that. You really are a bottomless drill, aren’t you?”

The President spoke for me.

“Be quiet! The drill has nothing to do with this! Nothing!”

“But, Drill-senpai—”

“Who are you calling Drill-senpai?!”

“—that doesn’t work as a wager. We have nothing to gain if we win.”

Misaki-chan pointed out.

If she hates being called a drill so much, she should stop drilling her hair. Does she really style it like that every morning?

“Don’t you worry. There’s a merit for you all, as well,”

Drill-senpai said with a thin, meaningful smile.

“If you win, I, myself, will transfer to your school and join the student council!”

Drill-senpai announced triumphantly.

“That sounds like a demerit.”

“No thanks.”

“The fewer women around Shin-chan, the better.”

“If it’s a drill, I only accept Makita.”

Faced with the scathing remarks from the Ahona High student council, Drill-senpai’s eyes went wide with disbelief.

“Why not?! I am the very picture of wit and beauty! And you, the first-year over there! Are you comparing me to a power tool?! Are you calling me a power drill?!”

“I mean,” the President began, sounding bored. “The school would never approve a bet like that in the first place.”

That was true.

Any agreement between us would be meaningless.

But Drill-senpai just laughed haughtily, her face triumphant as she brought the back of her hand to her lips.

“Ohohohoho! That will not be a problem! I have already acquired permission from both school principals!”

Hey. Are you serious? Without even checking with me?

Isn’t the principal of this school a total psycho…?

I guess the principal of a school for idiots is also an idiot. No sane principal would ever approve a ridiculous bet like this.

This principal is seriously nuts!

“But still. You can’t just make Shinichi transfer without his parents’ permission, can you?”

Kaoru-senpai made a very good point. That’s right. There’s no way my mom would allow such a pointless transfer.

“No need to worry. I’ve already received their permission as well.”

Mooooooom?!

I’ve had my suspicions for a while, but today it’s crystal clear! You’re an idiot, too! Seriously, is there anyone in this world who isn’t a complete moron?!

“In other words, this is a completely official contest. Shinichi-sama, I will make you mine. As my husband. Ohohohoho!”

Drill-senpai departed, still laughing triumphantly with panties on her head and her hands cuffed behind her back. She’s going to get arrested if she walks through town like that.

And so, my fate was entrusted to a moronic battle between the idiots of Ahona High and Kita-Ahona High.

To be continued