A Twisted Introvert loner Like Me, Mentally Wrecked One-Sidedly due to Love, Throws Away the Love Letter Sent by the foremost School's Beauty, Leading to an Unwanted Romantic Comedy

Chapter 16: Hiiragi’s True Feelings 2

I wonder why, I don’t even understand it myself.

Hiiragi’s words, which were not dismissive nor scornful, but tinged with disappointment. Why does it irritate me to this degree?

Is it because my expectations were off mark? No, that’s not it. Expectations often go off their mark; after all, that’s how gambling, a form of entertainment, operates. It’s a business that thrives on people’s expectations going wrong.

Expectations all the more often miss the mark, and I can usually brush that off easily knowing that. Normally, that is.

But I’m feeling even more irritated because I actually can’t comprehend or get a hold of what is irritating me in the first place. And the fact that I don’t understand, makes me feel frustrated as well.

Nope, it’s the other way round. Because I can understand it, I can comprehend it, that I am feeling irritated right now. Having the general idea of what Hiiragi is trying to say, and the fact that her remark is so far off the mark actually; it makes me feel irritated.

“Don’t you want to admit it?”

“Ab–about what?”

In response to Hiiragi’s question without a subject, my voice tremble slightly.

“In reality, you have already noticed, didn’t you? Yet you’re pretending not to see it… or maybe you’re just a hopelessly clueless idiot… It can only be either of the two…”

“Wait a minute, just what are you saying from some ti—”

“You’re not an idiot. That’s why you’re just pretending not to see it. Even if you deny it all you want, I’ve already decided that. I don’t know much about Kazari-kun all that much yet, that is why, I will just have that made up in my mind by itself.”

Unable to fully accept Hiiragi’s sincere gaze, I look away.

There was no need to look away! Even if that weren’t the case, I should just stick to my guns, saying that doesn’t make sense and what not!

I’m annoyed at myself for running away from her.

How much easier would it have been if I were the clueless idiot Hiiragi describes the other possibility of me as…

I’m angry at myself for not being that clueless idiot. I’m angry at myself for not even being able to pretend to be clueless.

“…See, As I thought so.”

Hearing Hiiragi’s satisfied voice, I find it even harder to look at her.

“…But well, it’s fine for now. We’ll have plenty of opportunities to continue this conversation later, and by then, I’ll probably be even more understanding towards your true feelings, so right now, it’s fine with this.”

“Eh?”

Drawn in by her peculiar phrasing, I instinctively return my gaze towards her.

“Also, thanks, Kazari. For telling me this directly through words.”

There was no hesitation in her expression as she stood up from her chair. Completely opposite to the rainy season, her demeanour was as clear as the winter sky.

“…I — I don’t remember doing anything to be thanked for, though.”

“Even if you think you haven’t, I think you have regardless. Maybe, if you hadn’t put it into words, I would have continued to wallow, continuously forever in my own misery in days to come. And then maybe I would have met an ending which is appropriate for someone as miserable as I have been… As I thought, putting it on words are really important after all.”

[TL: I found a great novel. I love this.]

“…”

Is she finding hope in another path? Is there a chance to make Ryogokuku turn towards her with that? Is that why she can have such a look on her face?

“It’s not about atonement, but I intend to support ‘Sayo.’ Of course, I’ll respect your feelings too… but I think it’s wrong to stubbornly avoid and look away continuously.”

Or is it just a facade? Is it just a falsely gained courage, interpreting everything to suit her own convenience?

“Well, even though I tried saying something like that, but here… I’m just completely no good at all. I’m just trying my best to even contain this self as much as possible… I’m so scared, filled to the brim with feelings telling me run away at all cost.”

… No, none of those. She… Hiiragi is—-…

“But I won’t run away anymore. I’ve already decided. I have already resolved my spirit.”

She’s resolved.

“—-Since I’ve decided to end this love now.”

Blasted on face with Hiiragi’s resolute declaration, I’m left speechless.

How can you have that expression when you know you will definitely get rejected? Doesn’t she have even a sliver of hope? …Nope, she must have some, or she wouldn’t be able to even think about confessing her love.

In essence, she’s just like me. Confronted with reality, and then realizing that love isn’t all its puffed up to look like.

Yes, we’re the same. Hiiragi is just putting up a front, but she’s just like me…

Then, back then, was I making the same face as Hiiragi is making right now? Was I as composed as she is now?

I wasn’t. I had been more — a lot more pathetic.

Cool, beautiful, enviable… Looking at the present Hiiragi, I felt my past self being denied, which in turn made me feel incredibly miserable.

To even allow myself to feel those feelings, it’s infuriating.

Just by one rejection, I ended up sulking like a child. It’s so pathetic…

I was just that pitiful.

— — —

“I got dumped.”

That very same night. In response to Hiiragi’s subject-less message, I couldn’t give even write a single word.