A Story About a Suicidal Girl Who Attempted Suicide But Got Hindered, and Was Taken Out to Play - Chapter 5
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- Chapter 5 - The Princess Carry
Chapter 5: The Princess Carry
“It’s my treat. You can ask for anything you like as much as you want”
I am currently looking at the menu of a family restaurant.
“I don’t need it. I will starve to death if I stopped eating like this”
Ichinose refused while her stomach grumbled.
“If you won’t decide then I’m going to order the kids’ meal for you.”
“Please stop it”
April 23rd, the second time since I gave up my life span. Thursday. Sunny.
On this day, Ichinose committed suicide for the fifteenth time.
It was a memorable day, in a bad sense, when Ichinose, who had been committing suicide by jumping from station platforms, committed suicide by jumping from a railroad crossing for the first time.
I want it to be the first and last time.
I went back in time and persuaded Ichinose who was in front of the railroad crossing, but she said, “I don’t want to. I’m going to kill myself here. Goodbye.”
I had no choice but to grab her arm and try to move her away from the crossing, but she wouldn’t leave the crossing just like a dog that refuses to go to the hospital.
As a last resort, I carried her in my arms like a princess and made a mad dash.
While I was carrying her, she begged me to let her down 26 times, but I ignored her because she was set to return to the tracks the moment I did.
She was lighter than I had anticipated, and she resisted by jiggling her arms and legs more than I had expected. The jerking hand hit me in the face, and it was plain painful.
When I was a long way from the crossing, an elementary school student on his way out of school pointed at us and laughed so she said, “I won’t kill myself today. I’m not going to kill myself today. I’m telling the truth, so please put me down.”
After that, we went into a diner that was right in front of us, and here we are.
“Listen, Aiba-san. It’s not good to interfere with someone’s suicide”
“We were the center of attention,” she added, in an unusually desperate tone for her, and I chuckled back.
“It’s not a laughing matter! I was embarrassed, you know!”
“I’m glad you had such a valuable experience. Even the elementary school kids were surprised.”
“That’s right, even the school kids saw me…..Even though I was trying to forget.”
She lied down on the table to hide her red face.
“I was embarrassed too. It was a mutual feeling.”
“You said you were embarrassed……. But you were laughing the whole time when you dropped me off.
She hit the mark.
“Anyway, if you don’t want to be carried around like a princess again, you’ll have to give up on suicide.”
“I won’t give up” came a weak voice from her as she kept her face down.
It’s been about four months since I started interfering with her suicide. Although we had more conversations, there were still no signs of her giving up. I was just interfering with her suicide, so it was a dead end situation. I wanted to do something about it, but I couldn’t think of a way out of it.
When I pressed her for answers, “I want to order soon so choose quickly.” she answered with the usual retort “Like I said, I don’t need or want anything.” but her stomach was still grumbling as she declined.
She kept her face down for a long time and when I called the waiter to order, she hurriedly raised her head.
I guessed that she didn’t want the waitress to see her disheveled appearance because she was hiding her face with the menu. So, after I ordered hayashi rice, I asked her, “Have you decided yet?” and she awkwardly replied, “I won’t eat anything.” in front of the waitress like a spoiled child.
The young waitress said “It’s okay to take your time” with a smile, so I just reluctantly ordered, “The same one, please.”
As the waitress walked away, Ichinose looked miffed and said, “This is my last meal after all.” And I said, “Yes, yes,” and let her statement slide as I put away the menu list.
As I interact with her more and more, I noticed that she’s concerned about her surroundings.
There are many different types of gaze concerns, but hers is more about fear and caution. For example, when a group of girls her age walked in front of me, she would hide behind me. I guess it’s because she doesn’t want to run into her classmates or bullies. She also seemed to be concerned about the stares of adults such as policemen and shopkeepers, probably because she was out on a weekday morning.
She looks like a wild animal living in the harsh natural world from her way of walking, and hard to coexist as a human being. However, all the animals that I associate with her are conspicuous because of her eye-catching appearance, and I think it would be hard to live either way.
Ichinose’s expression, as though she was afraid of me, was painful. I’m starting to feel guilty about prolonging her life only for the sake of making excuses.
I might have gotten my priorities backward.
No matter what choice I made, I won’t be able to escape the guilt.
I wonder how I could save her.
I thought about those as I looked at Ichinose’s profile while she was staring at the window. The sun’s reflection on her white skin was a little bit radiant.
She realized I was looking at her after a while.
“Is there something on my face?”
“I was thinking about how I could make you give up on trying to kill yourself.”
“I won’t give up on suicide.”, said Ichinose with her usual response while sighing.
“If the one who was bullying you stopped bullying you and apologized, would you stop trying to kill yourself?”
She shook her head in reply to my question.
“It’s too late to just apologize now.”
Her tone of voice was one of resignation, as if she were contemplating death.
“I don’t expect them to apologize, but if all they have to say is ‘I’m sorry.’ to make up for everything they’ve done, then I don’t want them to. I would feel better if I remained a victim. I don’t want to see them anymore, and I don’t want to remember their faces.”
I fell silent.
If the solution to the suicide was to stop the bullying, then there were foul means of getting the bullies to apologize, even if it’s merely for form’s sake, by giving them money, or forcing them to apologize by any means necessary.
But Ichinose herself said that she doesn’t want a resolution to this.
That’s also true….
Even if they apologize now, it will be too late.
We’re long past the stage where a simple “I’m sorry” will do.
If there is no other way to resolve the situation amicably, it is natural that she doesn’t want to see them more than having them apologize.
“Thank you for waiting.”
Two bowls of hashed rice were placed on the table and Ichinose looked at me intently. I took a bite first and urged her to eat quickly or it would get cold, and she started to eat too.
It seems that she doesn’t like hot food/drinks.
“Do you have any unfinished business?”
I ask the question over a bowl of hayashi rice.
“Does that mean you’ll allow me to kill myself if I have nothing left to do?”
“No, no. I just want you to do what you left undone and reconsider. Is there anything?”
“There’s no way I have something like that.”
I sighed at her ability to say it so matter-of-factly.
“On the contrary, why are you interrupting me, Aiba-san?”
She looks at me with a furtive glance while blowing on her spoon.
“Well, you can’t just leave someone who you know is going to commit suicide alone.”
“I’m dying myself, so why not?”
With a disgruntled look on her face, she added, “Normally, though, you never know who’s going to kill themselves.”
“It’s not okay. Besides, you can always tell if someone is going to kill themselves by looking at their face.”
I pointed to a group of ladies laughing in the store and made a random prediction, “Those ladies won’t commit suicide, will they?”
“Even I know that much”, she replied while looking dumbfounded.
“I mean, is there anyone around you who can sense your suicidal thoughts?”
“There is no such person. Even my family thinks it’s a joke.”
“Do you think I’m joking?” Ichinose hurriedly said, “Please pretend you didn’t just hear that,” and gave a small wave with her hand.
“Have you ever confided in your family about your suicidal thoughts?”, she gave a small nod as I stepped in without a care in the world.
“When I said I confided in them, I just muttered, “I want to die.’”
“So how did your family react?”
Ichinose cast her eyes downward and shook her head.
“I, my family hates me so…”
“They hate you?”
Ichinose choked on her words as she talked about her family.
According to her, her biological father died from an illness right after she entered junior high school, and her mother remarried a year later. She now lives with her parents and her two older sisters, the stepchildren of her second marriage.
Her whole family knows that Ichinose is being bullied at school, but her father-in-law is very strict and won’t let her miss school no matter what.
Naturally, Ichinose, who did not want to go to school, argued every day about that. In the end, she left the house in the morning to escape from her father, who tried to take her to school by force and spent her time outside until the evening.
Her sisters who were not happy with her rebellious attitude towards her father started to be violent and cruel to Ichinose.
Her mother, who was initially on her side, has gradually come to support her father’s side, and now she is the only one who is alone.
Exhausted by the situation, Ichinose unintentionally uttered the words “I want to die” in front of her family.
However, no one felt any sympathy for her. Her father yelled at her, “If you’re going to talk like that, you should die right now,” while her sisters called her a “tragic heroine,” and her mother just pretended to ignore her.
I asked Ichinose, who has finished talking about her relationship with her family while she remained downcast.
“Are you trying to kill yourself to remind your family that you ‘had the courage to kill yourself’? If so, it would be a shame to kill yourself just because of those people.”
“That may be the case.”, was Ichinose’s answer as a preface.
“I’m tired of everything. I have no friends, my father yells at me all the time, my sisters make fun of me, and my mother won’t help me. And nothing but bad things happen to me at school and at home. I just want to end this life as soon as possible.”
And so she continued, “And that’s why, Aiba-san.”
“There is no one to rejoice over my death, but there is no one to grieve it either. I myself want to die. There’s no one to bother, so why can’t I just end it?”
I couldn’t retort back. No matter what I say, it will just be some superficial words. It was only natural that Ichinose couldn’t come up with any words to override her suicidal thoughts. I am a person who has given up my life after all.
Even so, I couldn’t acknowledge Ichinose’s suicide.
“That’s no good.”
It’s just three words. Words that were too weak to confront her suicidal thoughts. From Ichinose’s point of view, it would have been the same whether she listened or not. I felt ashamed of myself. What would a normal person usually say in this kind of situation?
Ichinose looked unhappy and fell silent.
We didn’t talk to each other until we finished eating.
After we both finished eating, I took out my wallet to pay the bill, and then I remembered.
“That’s right, here.”
I gave her a telephone card with a puppy’s depiction on it.
I had once given Ichinose a piece of paper with my cell phone number on it.
She refused to accept it the first time, tore it up the second time, and finally accepted it by the third time. “Call me whenever you feel like dying or if there is something that happened.” is what I said to her at the time but if you think about it, she didn’t have a cell phone or much money in her possession.
I had been carrying a phone card in my wallet for a few days, ready to call from a payphone at any time.
“Cute……no, not that, what is this?”
I stared at the puppy on the phone card.
“If you need anything, use this to call the number I gave you before.”
“I had thrown that paper away since I had no way to call you.”
“You……,” I said in amazement. I proceeded to write my phone number on the back of the receipt and presented it to her along with a phone card.
“It doesn’t matter if it’s early in the morning or late at night. Call me whenever you feel like dying or when you’re in trouble.”
“I’ll die before I call you, you know.”
“Just take it already.”
She didn’t want to take it, but I forced her to hold it and we separated for the day.
“Goodbye, although I don’t think I’ll ever see you again.”
“See you next time. Be careful on your way home.”
“I will go home without having a care in the world.”
I felt uneasy as I watched her back getting smaller and smaller.
There would be no point even if the bullying stops.
She also had problems at home.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
I wondered if there was a way to solve everything cleanly. As I ran away from my life, I couldn’t even come up with a hint.
However, it was not that there was no progress at all. It was surprising that Ichinose talked about her family so easily. It was unthinkable that she hadn’t even been able to have a proper conversation with me when we first met.
I’m sure that she’s letting her guard down little by little.
I still have some time left.
It shouldn’t be a bad idea to keep interfering and see what happens for just a little more.
—
Translated by: Xen
Edited by: Loki