My Mind Is Screaming Something

When I got home, I noticed my father’s leather shoes in the foyer. It’s unusual for him to come home so early. I wonder if he finished the work he’s doing currently.

I change into my slippers and adjust the pleats of my skirt before entering the living room. I brush my hair lightly and let out a small breath in order to calm myself down.

“I’m home. Father, you’re up early today.”

In the living room, Dad was sitting on the couch reading the newspaper.

His black-rimmed glasses were shining as if he was glaring at me.

“Yayoi. How did it go?”

Dad looks down at the newspaper again.

“Nothing special today. He’s been working in the staff room all morning, but I think he went out somewhere during his lunch break.”

“What do you mean…? Where did he go?”

My father picks up on my fuzzy, muddled report.

The chime just rang and I couldn’t see where he was going. I left school right after class.

Dad raised his glasses and got back to his feet.

(Investigation of the vice principal’s behavior) 

This was the job I had been given as an agent. 

Ever since I entered high school, I have been monitoring the vice principal’s behavior on campus.

The Kinoshita family has been agents for generations. There are many different kinds of work that an agent can do, but they mainly gather information and conduct investigations at the request of organizations and individuals. That’s what I was told, and I don’t know much more other than that.

Dad is an active agent and has had many accomplishments in the industry. It is rare for him to be home like this as he’s always traveling around the world for something or the

other.

“…I see. Thank you for your efforts.”

I feel pressured when my father, who is such a great agent, works with me.

“No, I haven’t produced any results yet.”

I was humbled, but Dad was silent on this.

I’m not sure about the purpose of why I’m monitoring the vice principal. It was better that way though, as I try not to take my work personally. I only solemnly record the vice principal’s activities. 

‘Well, I’m going back to my room.”

“Yes. I’ll rely on you for tomorrow as well.”

I left the living room as it was.

That was not a usual family conversation. I always think that as I walk back to my room.

As the eldest daughter of the Kinoshita family, I will one day take over my father’s work in earnest.

It can’t be helped that the topic of an agent’s work becomes the top priority in our family conversation.

“Sigh…“

As I enter my room, I exhale heavily, as if my tension had finally been released.

I don’t hate my dad, but lately, I’m tired of feeling so pressured when talking about work. The stuffed bear on my desk was still tilted somewhat somberly.

Trying to change my mood, I changed out of my uniform.

I put on a black hoodie over my bra top and a black jersey. I tie my hair into a ponytail with a black hair tie on my wrist.

As an agent, I have come to prefer wearing black clothes. It has been imprinted on me ever since I was a child that I should be inconspicuous on a daily basis.

My sister always makes fun of me, saying that I look like a hitman of a dark organization, but she’s not wrong, so I can’t help it.

I glanced to the side and saw an expressionless, sullen face in the mirror on my desk.

This is me, the ‘Agent’.

I try not to show my emotions much when I think about work.

It’s no wonder people are scared of me if I look this grumpy.

I try to be alone at school so that I don’t interfere with any of the agents’ work. It’s better to be alone because I can move freely at any time then. It is more convenient for me to be as shadowy and disinterested in my school life as possible.

Although I’ve made my peace with it, it hurts me to ignore my classmates whenever they try to talk to me. 

Today, too, I ignored Mayama-kun with all my might, and that was something that made everyone cringe. 

“Arghh, no, no, no!”

With a slam, I collapse onto the bed and massage my face. I should stop thinking about work, at least whenever I’m alone.

When I try to think of something fun, all I can think of is Satsuki-kun.

He knew my name when I saved him from falling down on the first day of school.

He called me all of a sudden “Kinoshita-san,” so I got impatient and said, “I don’t know who you are.” 

God, do I regret doing so.

But since we’re a part of the same class, Satsuki-kun and I see each other very often. The fact that our eyes meet often means that he must be looking at me too.

Even today, when Mayama introduced himself to me, I was surprised when Satsuki-kun’s name came out suddenly. We bumped into each other in the hallway during lunch break. I guess being in the same class brings us even closer.

When I close my eyes, I see Satsuki-kun’s image behind my eyelids.

I don’t know why he always looks so scared when he sees me. I wonder if he is surprisingly shy.

I still clearly remember the first time I met Satsuki-kun.

It was half a year ago, on the day of the school festival.

“Satsuki-kun, you’re so cool,”

Ever since that day, I have been interested in Satsuki-kun.

Admiration? Respect? If I force myself to put it into words, is that what I feel like towards him?

Because Satsuki-kun has something I don’t have and because he does something I can’t do.

We are now in the same class, and maybe one day we can go home together…

And then our eyes meet often, we laugh together, and we can communicate with each other without saying a thing…

I call him “Satsuki-kun” and he calls me “Yayoi-san” back…

I feel so sad to say bye-bye to him, so I kept waving at him until I couldn’t see him anymore and– (TLN: Two peas in a pod)

“…Already!? Oh, God!”

I feel embarrassed when I fantasize about such a goofy development, akin to something like in a girl’s manga.

I sprawl out on the bed in a heap.

I lay face down on the pillow and called out his name to try it out.

“Satsuki-kun….”

I would never be able to say that name in front of him.

Going to school in the second year has become a little more enjoyable. That’s because I can 

see Satsuki-kun every day.

I want to talk with him more and know even more about him.

I wish I could see Satsuki-kun tomorrow as much as I wish it would be sunny tomorrow as well.

My school life has been pretty silent so far. No one could try to talk to me and I had to cover my ears whenever they did so.

I had been living in a soundless world, completely shut out from my surroundings, but after meeting Satsuki-kun, there’s a strange sound coming from my heart that I have never heard before.

It’s like my heart is screaming something, that kind of sound is…

I notice that I’m having feelings that I never knew I had before.

But this is just an ideal. A convenient fantasy.

I look up from my pillow and reality envelops me once again.

Agent Yayoi Kinoshita.

I am an agent before a high school girl.

It’s been half a year since I met Satsuki-kun, and now that we are in the same class, the physical distance between us has shortened quite a bit. But in reality, the distance between us has only remained further and further apart.

It’s a wall between an ideal and reality.

I have always given up something in my life in order to be an agent.

I’ve been holding back what I wanted to do for so long that I don’t even know what I want to do anymore.

I remember my face which was frozen like ice in the mirror earlier.

If I wasn’t an agent, could I have laughed more normally, done what I wanted, and been a normal high school girl…?

I’ll pretend that’s not a regret or a worry, but just my usual delusion.

Only the warmth of Satsuki-kun’s left hand that I suddenly touched softly came back to me. (TLN: NO! That’s lewd1)

I don’t want anyone to know about this warmth, I don’t want it to disappear from me. I clenched my hand tightly and buried my face in the pillow again.

There was nothing I could do, but I hoped that tomorrow I would be able to get a little closer to him.

TL: “‘

ED: Spynine01