**A Picture of a Youth Experiencing a Certain Shi*a’s Famous Quote**

“Grr… Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

As I recalled those memories up to that point, I found myself unable to endure the pain of my dark history. I clutched my head in that spot, crouching down.

It is truly something hard to acknowledge. It was a mistake, born out of youth, born out of immaturity. Now I feel like I understand Shi*a’s feelings. [TL: I’ll explain the reference at the end of chap]

“Huh!? What’s wrong, Sei-kun? Why are you suddenly writhing in pain?”

Mari, who had apparently finished her conversation with the editor, looked down at me with a concerned voice.

“Are you okay!? Are you in pain!? Do you want to suck on my boobs!?”

“I’m fine! And no, I won’t suck on your boobs!”

“You won’t!?”

“No.”

“…You won’t?”

“Yeah, I won’t.”

“Why not…?”

“Do you want me to suck them?”

“Yeah.”

Later, mmkay?

“Anyway, sorry. I’m going home for a bit today…”

“Huh? What? Did I do something to offend you!?”

“No, you didn’t. You didn’t do anything.”

Mari’s face suddenly became anxious, and I quickly tried to reassure her.

“Well, personally speaking, it’s something I need to think about… Ah, it’s that. It’s like I’ve come to something I have to face.”

“What do you mean? If there’s anything I can do to help, I’ll cooperate…”

“No, I’m fine.”

It would be meaningless to ask Mari for help. That wouldn’t change anything.

Because I finally understood the source of the uneasiness I felt when Mari suggested living together. And at the same time, I remembered that I had been feeling the same emotion for Mari since the very beginning.

At the same time, I remembered. I had always carried the same unchanging feelings for Mari, feelings that had remained with me since long ago.

So, this was something that no one could help me with, no matter whose hand I reached out for.

I have to face my past alone, for myself, and by myself.

And that past is still there, sleeping in the depths of my closet.

“So, anyway, I’m going home today. I’ll tell you everything tomorrow.”

“Muuuuu…”

Mari pouted unhappily at me as I stood up.

She looked like a squirrel, and I felt a little bit of warmth in my heart. Then, she suddenly grabbed the hem of my clothes and pulled me towards her, saying,

“Then, before you go home, let’s have sex, just one round?”

Has there ever been a time when you’ve only had only one round?

[TL: It’s a reference to a viral motivation video back in 2015 by Shia LaBeouf. The quote is “Just Do It”. Self-explanatory right?]

Picking Up the Dorky Me

I went straight to my room when I got home.

My mother came from behind, probably upset about something at her part-time job. “Seimu! I always tell you to wash your hands and gargle when you get home, you’re still so careless!” she said in a sharp tone, but I ignored her and closed the door to my room.

Then, I went to the closet in my room and put my hand on the handle.

I noticed my hand was trembling slightly, and I smiled wryly.

“Ugh, seriously? Am I scared of something like this…?”

I’ve been pretending to have forgotten it.

I wanted to pretend it never happened.

I sealed away that part of myself and lived as if nothing had happened until today.

That’s exactly why, even if it may seem trivial or insignificant from another person’s perspective, I couldn’t help but feel it. It’s the kind of pain in the heart that tugs and twists at you when you dig up the black history of your past.

It’s a pain that is completely different from physical pain. It’s not like breaking a bone or cutting an arm; it’s an imaginary pain.

But sometimes, it’s a much deeper and heavier pain than a physical injury. At least, for me.

“Should I just do it tomorrow?”

So, unable to open the closet door, I blurted out those dorky words.

And as I was about to let go of the closet door,

“Oniiii-chaan!? Mom is hella angry!”

Reika burst into my room, opening the door.

“Dwaah?”

“Huh? What are you doing there, Onii-chan”

“Huh? Er…”

I couldn’t find an answer to her question, and I ended up speaking vaguely.

Reika gave me a suspicious look.

“I don’t really understand, but make sure to smooth things over with Mom later, okay?!”

Saying that, Reika tried to leave and head out of my room.

I couldn’t help but call out to her and stop her.

“What?”

Well, she did stop, at least for now, but Reika’s reaction was sharp and biting.

I thought to myself that this was just like her usual behavior, and before I knew it, I found myself asking her this.

“Hey, Reika. There’s one thing I want to ask you… Do I, like, look… I don’t know how to put it… uncool or lame?”

“Haaa?”

Reika shot me a look that said, “What the hell are you suddenly saying something so weird?” The gaze she gave me, which had been merely prickly and sharp until now, had now shifted to something that felt like contempt, as if she were looking at trash.

Then Reika said,

“I’ve never seen a moment when you, onii-chan, weren’t lame, you know?”

“Uuu…”

“Or rather, asking me something like that all of a sudden… Onii-chan, are you a bit of a masochist? It’s really, really disgusting. Not just ‘gross,’ but truly disgusting.”

“H-Hey! You don’t have to say that much!”

“Here. The way you respond like that after asking someone something shows just how lame you are.”

… I suppose when you put it that way, it’s true.

Rather, Reika’s attitude is far more honest and appreciated than being given vague or evasive answers. While her words might be harsh, I choose to ignore that, as at least she isn’t lying to me.

“Sorry Reika. I was indeed lame and pathetic just now.”

“Yeah… And?”

“Uhm, can I ask another question?”

“What is it?”

“Do you think… I could become cool from now on?”

Reika blinked her eyes in surprise at my question, and then, with a shuddering expression, she wrapped both hands around her own shoulders.

“And… ew! Yuck, that’s so gross! Ugh, I got cold chills just now! Ugh, I have goosebumps now…”

And with a face that looked like she was about to start crying, she said those words.

“There’s no need to be that turned off by my words, you know!? Did I really say something that weird!?”

“I did say it! On the contrary, if I were to ask you, ‘Onii-chan, do you think I could become cute?’ what would you think?!”

“Don’t say gross things like that!”

“That’s exactly what I mean!”

After a long and pointless argument—accusing each other of things like, “You’re gross here,” or, “You’re annoying there,” and letting the trivial, fruitless bickering spiral—I eventually sighed at the same time as her. I felt a strange sense of fatigue from spending time in such meaningless exchanges.

“—And besides,”

With that, she broke the silence as the argument finally came to a pause. Reika spoke in a fed-up tone.

“Onii-chan’s going to become cool or not? How would I know that? You should try and put in the effort first before you start asking me about it.”

“…… Yeah, well… that makes sense, I guess.”

Strangely enough, her words hit home. Only moments ago, I had been teetering on the edge of giving up and becoming nothing more than a lazy fool who would leave it for tomorrow.

“Sorry, Reika. You really saved me there… I was wrong for asking weird things like that.”

So, with sincerity, I offered my thanks to her.

At that, she looked away with a disinterested, bored expression.

“It’s nothing much… It’s normal for you to be weird.”

Then she left the room.

“Okay…”

I watched her back, and then I faced the closet door again.

And once again, I put my hand on the closet door.

The trembling of my hand didn’t just go away just because of our conversation. My heart still didn’t stop shrinking.

But the thought of “maybe I’ll do it tomorrow” didn’t even cross my mind anymore.

Well, I lied a little bit there.

I definitely want to do it tomorrow. But…