Seimu Tsurai’s Painful Past: Or, Until the Otaku in Denial Falls in Love

I think the me from back then—that is, the me before I met Mari—was a “painful person” in a bad way.

Looking back now, I think there were times when I saw others as tools to stage myself, and I innocently believed that I was the protagonist of this world.

Perhaps it was because I was a little stronger physically and my temperament was more childish and intense compared to now.

So I admired the Nichi Asa superhero shows. [TL: Sunday (Nichi) Asa (morning) shows –> one of them was a superhero show called Super Hero Time.]

In other words, back then, I thought it was okay to beat up bad guys and do whatever I wanted in the name of justice.

* * *

“Don’t bully Sana-chan!”

My voice echoed through the classroom not long after I moved from third to fourth grade.

At the time, I believed myself to be a hero, and I suddenly attacked a boy (Hojou Takeru-kun, age 9) who was making a girl in our class cry.

Thanks to the Nichi Asa education, which taught that evil should be beaten without question and completely destroyed, I was the type of person who had no resistance to wielding the fist of justice. Such a person did not know the word “restraint.”

Poor Takeru-kun, who was bullying the girl (Kano Sanae-chan, age 9), was repeatedly beaten to a bloody pulp by the “laughable” iron fist of justice.

After that, I was sitting on top of Takeru-kun, who was lying on the floor with blood dripping from his nose, and I told him:

“Do you understand!? Don’t do bad things again!”

… It’s embarrassing. Incredibly embarrassing.

If this kid were in front of me now, I would seriously want to beat him up until his face and head were deformed, so that I could correct his delusional attitude.

* * *

Of course, my actions could not go unnoticed.

Takeru-kun’s loose baby tooth had fallen out completely during the incident, and his face and body were covered in bruises from being beaten so badly.

Even if I claimed that Takeru-kun had made the girl cry first and that I was trying to protect her, it was still obvious to everyone that I had gone too far.

It was only natural that I had to go to Takeru-kun’s house with a box of sweets to apologize, and I was also scolded and lectured by my parents and teachers. I remember well how my mother worried that “my child might have a problem with his head,” as she repeatedly consulted with my homeroom teacher.

Still, that was probably okay. If it had ended there, it would have been just one of those embarrassing but instructive memories from my childhood.

What happened after the routine apologies and adult scoldings were over was terrible.

One day, a meeting was held during the after-school homeroom called “The Meeting to Make Seimu Tsurai Aware of His Faults and Correct Them.”

＊＊＊

If you were to ask what the meeting was like, in simple words, it was a trial.

Each classmate was asked to point out one of my faults, and I had to respond by saying, “I understand, I will correct it. I repent.”

By the way, the organizer of this meeting was the class homeroom teacher at the time, and his claim was:

“This is not just an issue for one person, but a problem for all of us! Let’s all share this issue together and ensure that no one makes the same mistake again!”

This was the stance of the homeroom teacher (Fukunaga Yoshiteru, 28 years old). In essence, it was nothing more than a clever way to implicitly demand, “Don’t cause any more problems in the future.”

This was extremely effective. My mindset was thoroughly crushed, and I was now recognized by all the classmates as “the kind of person who’s dangerous to get involved with.” As a result, I could no longer make friends, and starting the next day, I found myself alone, spending my time in solitude without any other choice.

In this way, my temporary twisted sense of justice led me to a smooth start to my fourth grade year, marked by isolation and loneliness.

* * *

It was around that time.

When I had my fateful encounter with Mari in the library when I was a child.

Having done one big failure at the start of the school year, I became what is called a “loner.”

During break time when the boys in my class played soccer in the schoolyard, when we moved classrooms, and even during gym class when the teacher said, “Let’s make pairs,” I found myself isolated and alone.

It was embarrassing and pitiful, but at the same time, I thought it was inevitable. It seemed that I was more thick-skinned than I thought, and even then, I was still putting on a brave face in my mind, thinking, “True justice will be understood in the end.”

But of course, it wasn’t like I didn’t feel any loneliness.

No, rather, I was incredibly lonely. Ever since the incident, my mother kept asking me, “Are you okay today? You haven’t caused any problems again, have you? Oh, how worrying, you’re such a troublesome child… unlike Reika!” So, being at home was also extremely uncomfortable for me

At that time, I desperately needed the existence of an “ally” as soon as possible. If possible, I wanted someone who would be as affirming toward me as they could be.

My after-school routine became wandering around the school.

I had no one to go out and play with after school, and going home would only make me feel confined. For me, the school after everyone had left was a comforting space where I could be alone without being judged.

Among those places, I especially liked the library.

It was air-conditioned even in the summer, had comfortable sofas, and had a good selection of manga, although there were also more challenging books.

Additionally, there were fewer people, so I could be alone without being given strange looks… After school, I often found myself spending time in the school library.

At first, I think I was stubbornly reluctant to acknowledge that I was alone. I deliberately tried to ignore the presence of others and continued to read the manga by myself.

It was a form of escapism. At the time, I truly believed that the most rational way to forget loneliness was to erase the existence of others from my mind.

But of course, I couldn’t really forget my loneliness.

My innate need for approval was probably enormous. I was a kid who wanted to be admired and praised by others, to the extent that I had a obsession towards “heroes” and even caused a violent incident. Ouchhh.

Well, for that reason, I’m not the type of person who can keep up the cool persona and quietly continue reading manga alone forever.

Before even a month had passed since I started spending so much time in the library, I began observing the library after school with thoughts like, “I wonder if there’s anyone here who might be up for a conversation?”

In such a situation, anyone would want to talk to a girl who was always reading alone quietly.

At least, that’s how I felt. So I took immediate action. I was lonely, after all.

“Hey, what book are you reading?”

I said this to a slightly taller, plain, and shy-looking girl one afternoon.

That girl was none other than Mari Muratsuki, who, at the time, was still hiding her inner charm and beauty from everyone.

* * *

I quickly fell in love with Mari.

She didn’t show any signs of running away when I approached her.

Reassured by this, I continued to talk to her not only after school but also during lunch breaks, making sure to visit the library during my free time.

It’s not like we were having any particularly important conversation. But nevertheless, no matter what kind of conversation we had, the fact that the person wouldn’t disappear from right in front of me gave me a sense of reassurance that I couldn’t find anywhere else.

Most of the time, Mari showed no sign of paying attention while I was talking. She was completely absorbed in her reading, but… that didn’t bother me. Just the fact that she was there, seemingly listening with her ear turned toward me, was more than enough for me.

Even when we had nothing to talk about, I started reading Manga next to Mari.

The comfort of those quiet moments that I spent alone with her was truly addictive.

After about three months, Mari began to exchange a few words with me little by little, and she even started coming over to my house to hang out. By the way, at that time, when my mother was criticizing her behind her back, I immediately shot back at her, saying, “Where’s the problem? She’s a good girl, isn’t she?” I think that was the coolest moment of my entire life. If possible, I would frame that moment and hang it on the wall as a memory.

Sometimes I wonder if I could live my life by stringing together only those cool moments, piece by piece.

—That aside.

As I continued to build my relationship with Mari in that way, she gradually transformed from her shy, reserved nature into something brighter and more vibrant.

I felt that she was opening up to me more and more, and I remember being very happy about it. Well, I was a bit curious about the increasing number of times she would whisper, “Oh, I’m wet…” and then rush to the toilet, blushing.

It was one day, after some time had passed, that being together with Mari had become a natural and comfortable relationship for both of us.

“Sei-kun… I tried drawing a manga. Would you read it?”

With these words, she handed me a notebook.

“Ohhh… Mari drew a manga?”

I asked, surprised.

Usually, Mari reads novels in the library. On the other hand, I’m the one who reads manga more often.

I sometimes let her read my recommended manga when she comes to my house, but I didn’t have the impression that she enjoyed reading manga, and I rarely saw her drawing.

Mari smiled shyly, holding out the notebook to me, as I looked at her in surprise.

“Yeah. I thought you might like it since you always look like you’re enjoying reading manga…”

“Well, I do like them…”

“R-right! Then… I’d be happy if you read it…♡”

“Huh? Sure…”

I took the notebook from her, tilting my head at her blushing and shy demeanor, as if she were giving me a love letter.

“…”

Then, as I opened the notebook… a shock ran through me.

I think I had been too lenient in my expectations of her words about drawing manga. Mari was an amateur, and I assumed she wasn’t good at drawing and that her manga would be nothing more than a sketch.

But those thoughts vanished the moment I opened the page.

A monochrome illustration drawn in pencil. But the carefully drawn lines seemed to shine to me, and I felt that the charm of the characters was fully drawn out.

The panel layout was simple, yet I could read through it easily. The page layout and double-page spreads were well-executed, and it felt like a…..real manga.

And as for the story itself, it was a refreshing love story narrated from the first-person perspective of the female protagonist.

This is the story of a girl who was all alone, who one day met a hero and fell in love. ――Each step of that journey is depicted one by one, with beautiful and delicate descriptions.

There was no big drama. But it was relatable, and that’s why it sucked me in… I couldn’t take my eyes off it.

Forgetting even to breathe, I turned the pages of the notebook… no, the manga pages. There were about forty pages or so, and it was about the heroine, who had deep feelings for the hero, writing her emotions in a love letter to him. The story was centered on her handing the letter to the hero and the moment just before she received his response to her confession.

After reading up to that point, I went back to the very beginning and started reading it again from the start, re-reading it over and over until I reached the end… After repeating this process multiple times, I finally closed my notebook. Unconsciously, a soft “Hoo…” escaped my lips as I exhaled.

Looking at the clock, I realized more than thirty minutes had passed. I had forgotten the sense of time, completely engrossed in reading. That’s how good her manga was.

“Umm… Sei-kun…”

Mari, her face about to boil over, spoke to me as I closed the notebook.

“Umm, so… what’s your answer?”

“It’s… amazing.”

I spoke these words, interrupting Mari, who was waiting for my opinion with her face turning red.

“Huh?”

“It’s amazing, Mari! This is really fun! I’ve never read a romance before, but I can tell this is amazing!”

“Huh? Romance? Huh?”

“Are you going to submit this to a publisher? Do you have a title yet?… Seriously, you have so much talent! You’re so cool!”

Only words of praise came out of my mouth. I was that moved, and my heart was pounding with excitement.

Amazing, amazing, amazing… such emotions welled up from the bottom of my stomach.

I was even filled with joy at being friends with someone so amazing.