Chapter 10 (The Burden of a Receiver)

About a month has passed since it was confirmed that Satoru was not imprisoned in Shouko’s house.

Everyone other than Shouko is in despair because Satoru is gone: Karen is drawing near to closing her own heart again; Sakura continues to wear down her spirit with work; and Misuzu is also depressed because Satoru, who was her support, is gone; Mika was about to give up, and endured the pain by sleeping to dream of happy fantasies with Satoru.

Shouko is desperately looking for him because she saw where he went that day and saw him being taken away by Kyoka.

It was one such Sunday.

That day, Karen was just motionlessly staring at the ceiling of her room. Unsurprisingly, all she was thinking of was Satoru.

“Where are you now? I want to see you so much, Satoru.”

I muttered that, but of course there was no response, and it evaporated into air.

“Karen, could you come here for a second?”

“What, mom?”

“I got a call from school.”

When my mother told me that, I reluctantly picked up the phone.

“Hello, I’m Karen Shiranui.”

“Hello, Shiranui.”

“What’s wrong, sir?”

“So……uh”

The teacher on the other end of the phone seemed to be very reluctant to speak.

Looking at the teacher’s behavior, Karen felt a dark, cloudy feeling of anxiety coming from deep within her heart.

I didn’t want to hear what he would say next.

But maybe it’s different. Maybe not. Maybe it’s some good news. If I didn’t think so, something would break.

“I don’t want to say what happens next either. It’s sad and painful.”

With those words, Karen came to understand something. But maybe, it’s someone else, some unimportant person, to whom something bad happened.

“Satoru is……dead. In tomorrow’s assembly more details………………”

After those words, her heart, which she had managed to protect earlier, crumbled to tiny pieces.

An indescribable feeling of hopelessness, sadness, and other emotions escaped her crumbled heart.

Needless to say, Karen did not remember what the teacher said after that, nor did she care.

She walked as if dragging her body. Karen did not even know whether she herself was alive or dead.

She sank into her bed, unable to respond to her mother’s concern for her daughter, whose face was unusually desolate.

Now, what should I do? What is my goal in life? What went wrong? Why did Satoru die? What did Satoru do? I haven’t even returned the favor back. I did not even tell him I love him. The dream of a future together is gone

“What should I do now?”

I couldn’t stop the tears, all I could think was Satoru.

***********************************

Chapter 11 (I don’t know)

The four were at rock bottom when they heard that Satoru was dead. They didn’t care about anything, and attended the emergency school assembly with ghostly pale faces.

The principal’s words went in through the left ear and went out through the right ear.

Except for Shouko, who was absolutely certain that Satoru was alive, while the other four were thinking about how they would live, or even die to be in the same place as Satoru.

Misuzu, who always had an air of dignity and set a good example for others, has become so weak-minded that she became useless.

Mika denies Satoru’s death and goes home and begins hallucinating about Satoru that no one else can see, and spends her days just talking to the walls.

Karen is immersed in memories of Satoru, ruminating in her mind about the places she had visited with him and the words he had said to her, and rejected reality.

Sakura uses her voice acting job as an escape from the pain by immersing herself in continuously working and denying the cruel reality.

Shouko is ………….. she’s working on locating Satoru to the best of her ability and is just thinking about when she will see him again.

***********************

“Misuzu, are you okay? I’ll leave some food here for you.”

“………”

I heard my mother’s voice coming from somewhere far away.

I didn’t have the energy to reply to her and pulled the blanket over my head, covering my freezing to death body with more layers, escaping from the fear and anxiety which had rooted deep within my heart.

Although I thought about the wish that my mother and I would go back to the way we were before, which I wanted so much, but now was not the time for it.

Being unaware until now, I realized that Satoru had become my emotional support. No, I even deeply despise myself for thinking that if instead my mother had died in place of Satoru, I would have been able to recover from the pain somehow.

Thinking like this, I thought it would be better for me to die instead of Satoru. I wondered why God had killed Satoru; I said bitterly to God, whom I did not even believe in.

Would Satoru be worried if I died? Satoru would be worried about me, he would be there for me, he would hug me and gently pat my head.

“Satoru…..it’s painful, hey, why?”

I wanted to hear Satoru’s voice, see Satoru’s face, touch Satoru more, smell Satoru’s gentle scent, drown in Satoru’s tenderness, and tell him thoughts I had not told him.

I realized how much he had supported me. Looking back, Satoru was everything to me.

But what about Satoru? What was I like to him? What am I to Satoru? After all this time, I realized that I didn’t know Satoru at all. I don’t know what Satoru was feeling. The only thing I know about him is his favorite food and the like; I don’t know his house, I don’t know how Satoru lived his life, I don’t know what kind of feelings he had…..I am all about Satoru, but Satoru is ……………

I felt frustrated, pathetic, vain, sad, painful, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I knew too little about Satoru.

But it’s already too late to realize it. How did this happen?

Am I that unreliable? Was I making Satoru carry all the burden? Did Satoru not care about me? To Satoru, I was…

“Satoru….I, I want to die”

Save me.