To the Person I Love and Hate the Most…

The Days When Natsumi is Gone…

I open the letter that Natsumi left and read it.

‘I’m so sorry that we can’t be together, Ma-kun! I’m truly sorry for always giving you such hard times, I’m sorry for always making you worry, I’m sorry for always hurting you. Ma-kun, I know that you are strong and you will be able to manage it on your own, however Ka-kun is not like you…he won’t be okay if I leave him alone. That’s why I have to support him for a while until I’m sure that he can manage on his own. I don’t want to be separated from you either Ma-kun, but I will endure it at least until he finds a job. At that time, I promise…I’ll come to you, Ma-kun… Until then…goodbye…’

I clench my fists and cry out loud alone.

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After that, I continue to exchanged emails several times a day with Natsumi.

At first, I feel relieved and happy to know that Natsumi is doing well.

But gradually, we exchange emails less and less.

Before I knew it, we exchange emails only once per day.

When I asked about the reason why are we exchanging emails less and less, Natsumi told me that she is preparing to go to vocational school.

So, I asked about the finances for that. Natsumi said that her roommate’s parents are going to cover it.

I asked Natsumi what that meant, and I also asked her if she is really planning to come back and live with me after her roommate’s job hunt is over. When I asked her so, she stopped responding to my emails.

Today, I didn’t receive a single response to my emails for the first time…

I keep sending Natsumi emails.

‘Can you please explain to me what’s going on?

Why aren’t you replying to my emails?

Was leaving here a sign that you won’t come back to me ever again?

…did you lie to me again?

…enough…I’m sick of everything…goodbye…’

I sent Natsumi an email saying so, but still…no reply…

I’m really sick of everything.

The next thing I know, I find myself in the kitchen with a knife in my hand…

What the hell am I doing?

I suddenly came back to my senses.

I’m trembling…

The faces of my parents, who had raised me until now, come to mind…

This is not right…

I thought so and try to let go of the knife, but my hand just won’t let go of it.

It’s a cold winter night, and there is no heating on, I’m just too tired both physically and mentally.

After a while, I finally manged to calm myself down and let go of the knife.

I tuck myself in my futon, unable to sleep, continuing to tremble uncontrollably…

In the middle of the night, I hear the sound of a car stopping outside.

Then, I can hear heavy footsteps coming up the stairs.

Suddenly, my room door opens.

“Ma-kun!!! Are you okay!?”

I hear the voice of Natsumi saying so.

She quickly removes my futon and come to check on me.

I’m trembling as I look at Natsumi.

Tears start to well up in her eyes.

“Ma-kun, you shouldn’t do something like this! You’re a strong person, aren’t you? If you start doing something like this, I won’t know what to do anymore!”

Natsumi hugs me tightly as she said so.

Then, Natsumi stays by my side all day long.

We talk about many things.

It turns out that she rented a car to come and check on me because she is worried of the emails I sent to her.

The reason why she stopped replying to my emails is because she had an event at her vocational school, Natsumi was so busy that she didn’t have the time to reply to my emails.

Natsumi also told me that her roommate’s parents insist to cover for her school expenses because they want to show their gratitude to Natsumi who is taking care of their son.

I calmly explain that behind their good intentions, they must have an assumption that Natsumi would eventually marry their son someday.

When I tell Natsumi so, she agrees with me and decided to decline the offer.

Natsumi’s naivety remains unchanged.

I don’t know what Natsumi told to her roommate, but she is planning to stay here today.

She won’t answer me when I ask her about it…

Natsumi also told me…that we won’t be able to exchange emails as often from today onwards…

I have a feeling that Natsumi is not telling me something.

However, this time, I have caused her a lot of trouble, and I’m emotionally drained as well. So, I didn’t ask about it any further.

Natsumi’s plan is to support her roommate until his job search is over and then return back to me.

I have no choice but to believe in her decision.

No, to be honest, I’m clinging to Natsumi’s decision…