Chapter 2: The Trap That Almost Worked

The afternoon sun turned everything golden.

I stepped into the garden, still nursing my wounded pride from the morning’s ceiling incident. The koi pond sparkled peacefully, the bamboo swayed in a gentle breeze, and the cherry blossoms were just starting to bloom. For once, my sanctuary felt actually peaceful.

Then I saw her.

Long silky black hair cascaded down a slender back, catching the sunlight like a waterfall of midnight. A traditional pink robe hugged a delicate frame, the fabric embroidered with cherry blossoms. She stood by the lotus pond, one hand gracefully touching a flower, her posture elegant and refined.

My heart stopped.

This was it. This was the moment I’d been waiting for. A female disciple had finally arrived, probably saw my recruitment poster in the village. She looked perfect, like she’d stepped right out of my fantasies. That silky hair, that graceful stance, that feminine energy.

I smoothed down my robes and put on my best smile.

The smile might have been a bit too eager, maybe bordering on what some people would call creepy. But I didn’t care. After seven years of sweaty masculine energy and assassination attempts, I deserved this moment.

I approached with what I hoped was gentlemanly grace.

“Hello there, young miss. Are you perhaps interested in studying the martial arts?”

My voice came out smoother than I expected, almost suave. I could already picture how this would go. She’d turn around with a shy smile, her cheeks pink, her eyes bright with admiration. She’d call me Master in that soft voice, and I’d finally have the cute disciple of my dreams.

The figure turned around.

“Master Zenjiro, I’ve been expecting you.”

The voice hit me like a sledgehammer to the soul. Deep, masculine, with the resonance of someone who probably gargled gravel for fun. My brain short-circuited trying to process the disconnect between the beautiful appearance and that absolutely manly baritone.

“Kaoru?”

My second disciple smiled, his face undeniably handsome even with the feminine makeup. Long lashes framed sharp eyes, lips painted a delicate pink. But that voice, that cursed voice, shattered every illusion like glass.

“You seem surprised, Master. Do I not look beautiful today?”

He twirled, the robe flowing around him like he was in some kind of tragic romance novel. The movement was genuinely graceful, perfectly executed. Any normal person would have been impressed by the elegance.

I felt my eye twitch.

“Kaoru, why are you dressed like that?”

He stopped mid-twirl and placed one hand delicately over his heart. The gesture was so practiced, so perfectly feminine, that it made the situation even worse. This man had clearly spent hours perfecting every movement.

“Master, beauty is the ultimate weapon. A warrior must master all forms of combat, including the art of seduction.”

“That’s not a thing. That’s not a real martial art.”

He reached into his sleeve with a fluid motion, producing a silk fan decorated with painted butterflies. The fan opened with a sharp snap, covering the lower half of his face. His eyes gleamed above the edge.

“Allow me to demonstrate the Seduction Arts.”

I felt something shift in the air.

Spiritual energy began swirling around Kaoru, but it was different from Blade’s aggressive power. This felt subtle, insidious, like poison seeping into water. The garden seemed to grow warmer, the air thicker.

“Master, surely you’ve been lonely all these years. A powerful man like you deserves companionship.”

His voice dropped to what he probably thought was a sultry whisper. It sounded like a lumberjack trying to impersonate a romance novel narrator. My skin crawled.

“Kaoru, I swear—”

“Let me ease your burdens, Master.”

He moved closer, each step deliberate and swaying. The fan waved slowly, creating small currents of air. I noticed now that the edges glinted with something wet, probably poison. Classic Kaoru, mixing assassination with his weird aesthetic.

Pink mist began seeping from the fan.

The poison spread like perfume, sweet and cloying. It would probably paralyze a normal person within seconds, shut down their nervous system while they were too distracted by the “seduction” to notice. Clever in theory, absolutely horrifying in practice.

“Kaoru, I’m going to ask you one question.”

He paused, fan still waving, mist still spreading. His eyes showed genuine curiosity above that cursed fan.

“Yes, Master?”

“Why would you think this was a good idea?”

The mist had almost reached me now. I could see the poison particles glittering in the sunlight, each one carrying enough toxin to drop an elephant. Kaoru had clearly spent time preparing this assassination attempt.

“Because Master, you spend so much time seeking a female disciple. I thought perhaps I could fulfill that role.”

Something in me snapped.

Not the calm, patient master persona I usually maintained. Not the unflappable grandmaster who could catch God-killing techniques with chopsticks. This was pure, concentrated frustration boiling over.

“You thought you could WHAT?”

My voice echoed across the garden, loud enough to make the koi pond ripple. Kaoru actually stepped back, his fan lowering slightly. Even he could sense the shift in atmosphere.

“Master, I—”

“False advertising! This is FALSE ADVERTISING!”

The rage wasn’t about the assassination attempt. Honestly, I’d grown numb to those. My disciples tried to kill me so often it was basically a greeting at this point. No, this was about the emotional whiplash, the shattered hope, the cruel bait and switch.

“I thought you were a girl! An actual girl! With an actual girl voice!”

I felt the power building inside me, raw and uncontrolled. This wasn’t martial arts technique, this was pure indignant fury given physical form. The ground began trembling, spiritual energy crackling in the air.

Kaoru’s eyes widened.

“Master, please calm—”

I sneezed.

The sneeze carried every ounce of my disappointment, frustration, and rage. It erupted from me like a natural disaster, a sonic boom that physically manifested in the air. The shockwave caught the poison mist and reversed it instantly, sending it and Kaoru flying backward.

He rocketed across the garden in a pink blur.

The trajectory was perfect, naturally sending him straight into the koi pond. He hit the water with a tremendous splash, sending fish scattering in all directions. His beautiful robe billowed around him as he sank, the makeup running down his face in colorful streams.

I stood there breathing heavily, my hair windswept from my own technique.

The garden fell silent except for the gentle splashing of Kaoru trying to surface. A few petals drifted down from the cherry trees, disturbed by the shockwave. The afternoon sun continued shining peacefully, completely indifferent to my suffering.

Kaoru’s head broke the surface, his once-perfect hair plastered to his skull.

“Master, that was a magnificent display of power. To weaponize a mere sneeze—”

“Get out of my sight.”

My voice came out flat, emotionless. I couldn’t even muster anger anymore, just pure exhaustion. Kaoru climbed out of the pond, waterlogged and pathetic, still somehow maintaining that graceful posture.

“I shall reflect on this lesson, Master. Perhaps my technique needs refinement.”

He walked away, leaving wet footprints and droplets of pond water. His silk fan lay forgotten in the grass, butterflies now blurred and smudged. I stared at it, then at the spot where I’d first seen him.

That moment of hope felt like a lifetime ago.

I walked over to the stone bench by the lotus pond and sat down heavily. The water had settled back to calm, reflecting the blue sky and white clouds. It looked so peaceful, so serene.

I felt tears gathering in my eyes.

Not dramatic tears, not the kind from epic tragedy. These were the tired, frustrated tears of a man who’d gotten his hopes up only to have them crushed by a cross-dressing assassin with a poisoned fan.

“Why is fate so cruel?”

My voice cracked slightly. A butterfly landed on my shoulder, probably attracted by the lingering poison particles in the air. Even it seemed to mock me, its delicate beauty just another reminder of what I couldn’t have.

A female disciple who was actually female.

Was that really so much to ask? I wasn’t demanding some legendary prodigy or chosen one. Just a normal girl who wanted to learn martial arts and didn’t try to kill me with false hope.

The afternoon sun began its descent toward the horizon.

I sat there on the bench, silently crying into my hands while the garden returned to its peaceful state. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear Blade shouting about pushing past his limits. Probably doing one-handed pushups on a cliff or something equally intense.

My life was a comedy written by a sadistic author who hated me.

The tears kept flowing, each one carrying away a piece of my shattered dream. By the pond, a lotus flower bloomed, beautiful and serene.

It felt like mockery.