Chapter 1

Toru Hasumi ③

It’s been about a month since we changed our seats in school.

“I didn’t have any nightmares today…?”

I’m sleeping much better these days. Having said that, my previously very frequent migraines have almost completely disappeared at this point. I wasn’t sure why at first, but I think I’ve figured it out.

It’s all thanks to him, isn’t it? Himuro-kun.

I began to look forward to the next day only after meeting him after all.

Part of me believes I’m very inexperienced at life.

However, I still go about my life, being swallowed by the muddy waters of the various unwanted thoughts in people’s heads, turning my head away from them so that my conspicuous self doesn’t become isolated any further.

My grandmother lives very far away from me, and my close friends from before have gone to different high schools than mine.

I thought I could handle it at first.

But, before I knew it, my body was growing too quickly and I was already overemphasizing my femininity to a very unwelcome degree.

My relationships with those around me who became aware of male-female relationships became far more complicated than before, and my high school life, which I had hoped would be a bright and colorful shade on my dark life, faded after only about two months.

People are self-centered. They expect things without any consent, they get jealous without your permission, and at the end of the day, they make us look bad in some way or the other.

I am naturally not a very sociable person, but if I lived my life without thinking much at all, I could easily imagine that the boys’ favors to me would easily lead to malicious behavior on the girl’s side.

I guess that’s why the time I spend with him is warm, a place where I can be myself without restricting myself to my thoughts, it’s like a bonfire that lights up a dull and dark world.

Thank you so much. I could never say those words to him, I’m not sure why either.

But I owe you my heartfelt gratitude, Himuro-kun. Every day, that feeling just grows stronger and stronger.

◆◆◆◆◆

I enter the classroom at the same time he usually does, anticipating what we will discuss today like a child excited to play with a brand new toy placed in front of them.

However, his sleepy, solemn figure was absent. And my heart, which had been racing with excitement, quickly sunk down.

I was curious as to what happened to him. It’s the first time he’s been missing at this time of day, as he’s usually supposed to be at school at a pretty specific time.

Despite that minor change, I was extremely agitated.

Anxiety envelops me, and I can only respond to the girls’ greetings with a deadpan response, in comparison to my usual style.

Why? Why aren’t you here? Himuro-kun…

I gently patted his desk with my hand before setting my luggage down at my seat.

But I could feel the boys approaching me, as if they wanted to comfort me from my lone state, as if I had no strength and couldn’t hide my weakened face.

I don’t want to. Right now, I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. With that in mind, I hurried to the restroom.

I arrived at class just as the chime was about to ring, having spent the rest of the time in a daze whilst leaning against the toilet seat.

I’m emotionally unstable, aren’t I? I calm my mind, which was still acting restless, and breathe a sigh of relief as soon as I enter the room.

I could see that he was present. But he didn’t look very healthy to me…

“Good morning. You seem to be having a hard time, Himuro-kun. Are you okay?”

I wondered if there was something wrong with him so I peered into his mind

“Hasumi-san, good morning. Don’t worry about it, I’m just hungry.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine, just leave me alone for the time being.”

It appeared to be true in his mind. But I was irritated at the fact that he shut me down at my desk so quickly.

At the same time, I also felt a sense of loss, as if a hole had opened up in my chest, as if I had lost the time I had anticipated to spend with him.

I wish he had spent more time talking to me.

But I could not say such a childish thing to him and so I could only look at him.

Most of the time, our conversations were pleasant. Today, however, was very lonely.

◆◆◆◆◆

During class, I kept looking at him, but he never seemed to notice it.

He would usually notice me at some point and do something in response.

I was irresistibly frustrated and tried to make a bit of noise, I even changed my posture several times to try to get my reflection at the edge of his vision, but all that was in vain, and finally it was noon.

A sense of loneliness and sadness ran through me inexplicably.

That’s why I slowly followed him and got his usual lunch buddies some snacks to share with him.

“Why can’t I just eat the clouds…?”

He was saying something pretty stupid in the summer-like breeze

I was apparently quite taken with him, as I found even his dazed appearance really adorable.

“That’s a serious statement to make, Himuro-kun.”

When I called out to him from behind, he slowly turned around and our gazes were locked within another.

“Hasumi-san? What’s wrong?”

I was a little relieved that our gazes have finally crossed today

“I thought I’d give you some of this.”

His drooling face as he gazed at the object held up in my hand was so amusing that I almost laughed.

His expression wasn’t particularly animated, but it can be easily identified.

“What’s your deal with that?”

“I suppose it’s just what we girls like to do? They’re all kept in the locker rooms and clubrooms.”

“I didn’t realize that, but it’s fine, it’s my fault that I didn’t want to spend any money.”

He says in a mocking tone and language, but he doesn’t take his gaze away from me at all.

Maybe he’s trying to make me laugh. It’s extremely difficult for me to bear this silently.

But that, in my opinion, is a very good thing. I don’t need to read his mind to figure out what he’s thinking about.

“It’s okay. It’s just in advance for the stuff they give me in exchange for looking at my notebooks during the test period. I couldn’t eat all of them myself during the last test, so I figured I’d pay my debt with the extra money I got early.”

I did this partly to score some points with the girls, and for once, I’m grateful to them.

But I also know that, given our current relationship, he wouldn’t nod his head if I told him I was giving him something that belonged to me.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes. However, wouldn’t it be terrible if I walked all the way here to give you this and then you just want me to return back with everything I had brought for you?”

I already know what kind of attitude and words irritate him. That’s why I can always beat him by playing my cards right.

Now I try to avoid looking at him as much as possible, but I still do it from time to time out of habit.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

I took a seat, adjusting my position so that we were placed together side by side, wondering how I could have fallen for such a vicious man. (TLN: Fallen? FALLEN?? There was no sign of this 🙁 )  (EDN: she fell already??)

Perhaps I was a little too close to him.

My heart skipped a beat as I sat a little closer to him than usual. But I don’t mind; in fact, I’d like to be even closer to him if possible.

When I offered him something to eat while I was thinking about this, he started eating unselfishly.

“I promise I’ll pay you back, just wait and watch.”

He seemed to be getting back into the swing of things after having some food.

He begins to make light remarks to me from time to time.

“Hey, that doesn’t mean what I think it means, does it?”

That makes me happy, and I end up going along for the ride, and then we both laugh.

I’m having more fun with our casual conversation than ever before.

I wish that such a gentle time could last forever.

“I wish we could keep doing this forever.”

I said it quietly so that he wouldn’t hear me.

“Sorry, what did you just say?”

“No, it’s nothing.”

I didn’t want him to hear what I had said, so I just covered it up quickly.

“I see, but how did you find out that I had forgotten to eat lunch in the first place? Did you ask Takashi and Ken about it?”

“…Something along those lines.”

I can’t claim to have read his mind, so I’ll remain silent about it. In retrospect, I believe that I made a risky move. I’m usually very careful to not get caught about it, but when I’m in front of him, it seems like I just unconsciously relax.

“I see, thank you so much.”

“I don’t mind, I’m indebted to you, Himuro-kun.”

He assisted me shortly after our seats change, despite the fact that I had been cold to him, he had simply helped me because the load I was carrying was pretty heavy for a girl.

On a bad day when I had a really bad migraine, when Togashi-sensei was about to call me out, he pretended to be asleep to distract him from me.

When he went up to the bathroom the next morning and noticed that I looked tired when the boys sat in his seat and tried to talk to me, he made a point of going to the bathroom before entering the classroom.

And the best part is that he never mentioned it even once to me, which I think is fantastic.

He always assists me in a casual, unobtrusive-like manner, so I don’t notice and feel self-conscious about it. He always helps me out in a natural way without expecting anything else in return, despite the fact that he moves slowly and is such a pain in the ass.

“Really? I don’t remember doing anything at all.”

“I see. Besides, it’s kind of cool that you don’t remember it the other way around.”

It must not be a big deal to him, I suppose.

He is so straightforward and warm that I feel at ease when I’m just seated next to him.

So much so that I can’t bear the thought of losing this warmth anymore.

◆◆◆◆◆

“Come to think of it, why don’t you want to spend any of your money?”

When we finished our lunch and started to unwind, I asked a question that came to me out of nowhere.

Was there something he was looking for?

“Actually, I’d like to get a motorcycle license sometime soon, and my father is going to lend me his bike too.”

“Really? That image doesn’t really look good on you.”

It doesn’t fit the image of his many indoor-style hobbies, in my opinion.

“I know, I know, so don’t tell me that again.”

He seems to have a sober-like appearance in his mind, but that’s not really the point here.

I don’t care about how he appears on the outside. What’s on the inside is far more important to me.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but why do you want one in the first place?”

But I apologize anyway in order to encourage him to keep going.

“It doesn’t mean anything, all I wanted was a ride.”

“Really? I guess that’s why motorcycles are so awesome.”

“It’s not great, but I do it just because I want to do it.”

His words that appeared to be casually innocuous had pierced me deeply.

Maybe it’s because I can read people’s minds and have spent my entire life trying to fit in with those around me.

I do what I do because I enjoy it. It’s a simple thing to say, but I get the impression it’s a long way away for someone like me.

“…You do it because you want to do it? That sounds a little far-fetched to me.”

“Hasumi-san is overly concerned with her surroundings, right? In particular, do you have anything you want to do?”

What I would like to do… When I think about it again, I realize I don’t really want to do anything at all.

For me, not having fun is just a routine at this point, and I’ve always believed that giving up is an essential aspect of life.

I’ve always taught myself to not have any expectations if I expect myself to be disappointed.

“What do I want to do…? I’m not so sure. I’ve never really thought about it.”

“Then think about it for a moment; it could just be as simple as that.”

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to find what I’m looking for. But thinking about it might bring me closer to him. Then let’s think about it for a while, I reasoned in my head.

“What I want to do… Yes, I’ll think about it.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea; perhaps it’s not something for me to say though.”

His expression remains unchanged, but his slight blush made me smile.

But I am not the person who can do everything he thinks I can do. I know I am ugly, small, and very cunning. (TLN: HAH???)

But I think he’s made me like myself a little bit more, because if he thinks that’s the case, then maybe it’s true.

“Thank you. I feel like my world has gotten a little bigger.”

“I’m glad to hear that; now let’s get back to work in the classroom.”

“I suppose so.”

We left the gymnasium, which until a few minutes ago had protected a space that was made just for the two of us.

I am afraid to go outside normally. But with someone else by my side, I felt like I could be brave enough to take the plunge.