The Regression Of A Grand Mercenary - 76 - Astin's Dilemma!?

ASTIN’s POV:

The decision should have been obvious…

To stay, to grow, to reach for my dream.

Ever since I was a young boy, I always wanted to leave the farm behind and see the world. To go out as an adventurer…

To live each day full of life.

To grow each day as I faced a challenge.

To claim my needs and wants through my own efforts.

It was such a wonderful dream.

But when I looked my Captain in the eyes—when I felt him completely overwhelm me with his skill—

I saw that my dream was a foolish one.

Only the strong get to live life with such carelessness.

Only the greatest can claim their needs and wants through their own efforts.

Only the brave can live out to face challenges.

And me?

I realized it in that moment—the way he cut through me without effort. I realized it again in this last week, through the harshness of his tests. I was weak. Fragile. My dream would lead me not to glory…but to an early grave.

Too obvious. Too bitter.

But the fact that I had to let go of my dream so early in my life made me hesitate.

My dream…

*INSIDE THILL’S OFFICE.*

“…Are you okay?” asked the Captain. He sat across from me, his back straight, his face carrying that same stoic calm that always unsettled me.

I shook my head slowly. “…I don’t know. I can’t make the choice to live out my dream…to leave this village and become an adventurer. I can’t make that choice.”

He was silent. Waiting. Always waiting for me to spill the words myself.

“But…” My throat tightened. “…it’s also hard to make the choice to stay here and let go of that dream. I’m tied between two lines, Captain. One path places me in your hands…where I grow to be strong just like you. The other… lets me go out into the world and experience things on my own terms.”

His gaze didn’t waver. “…Is it that hard to choose?”

I clenched my fists. “What do you mean? What if you were in my place, Captain? Would it have been easy for you to let go of your dream—to cast it aside just because someone told you it was the right choice?”

For the first time, his eyes softened. Just a fraction.

“I’m sorry, Astin,” he said quietly, “but I don’t get to choose. I don’t get to have the right to choose something over my family… over the things I care for. I realized that early on in my life—when I had the strength to protect something from such an uncertain world, I protect it. My dreams don’t matter.”

The words struck me like a blade. “Why?! Why can’t it matter!?”

His reply was sharp. Unflinching.

“Because I hate the feeling of loss.”

My breath caught.

“I lost my parents,” he continued, his voice heavier now, weighted with memory. “But I won’t lose my siblings. Not them. Never them. That’s why my dreams don’t matter, Astin. Because if I waste my life chasing them… I’ll lose everything that actually does.”

I swallowed hard. His words clawed at my chest.

“You, on the other hand,” he added, “can still go out. You can leave this village if that’s what your heart tells you. I won’t hate you for it. I will even protect your family as if they were my own. Because I chose to protect this village. That’s why I made this company in the first place… to act as the sword and shield for those who stand on the edge of loss. So they can live their lives in peace.”

I couldn’t speak. My reasons—selfish, fragile—seemed so small next to his.

He leaned back, his voice low but final.

“…It’s up to you.”

I sat there, silent. His reason was righteous, larger than life itself…and mine, mine was nothing more than a boy’s selfish yearning.

And yet—how could I let go?

How could I crush my dream with my own two hands?

“Sigh…it looks like you still can’t decide. I’ll give you more time. By sundown, try to give me your final decision. You can leave.” by his words, I left his office and made my way out to the training grounds.

There, I saw that Mario and Garon were facing off against each other using wooden practice swords. It was there, that I saw them fight their heart out.

“Come here!” shouted Mario in his youthful Vigor.

“Khk!” Garon blocked his attack and perfectly countered Mario. From then on, he followed it with two strikes. First was a thrust towards his chest and the next was a swing down to his side.

With that, Mario fell and couldn’t get up

“Ugh! Fuck…I lost.” he said.

“Heh, you got too excited at the end.” said Garon.

“Yep…I did. I should have kept my calm.”

“Well, better luck next time.” said Garon as he tries to comfort Mario. Being the older one, he showed his maturity in the end of the fight.

“Hmm? Astin,, how did it go? Did you decide what you would do?” asked Mario as he noticed me.

“…” but I was silent. I couldn’t give him an answer.

And to my silence, he quickly figured me out.

“Oh, so you couldn’t make a decision.” said Mario.

“The Captain gave me more time…by sundown, I should give my answer by then.”

“…Well, good luck.”

“Um, what do you think I should do?”

“Don’t ask us that question man, its up to you.”

“But I don’t know what I want. That’s the problem.”

“Well, if I was the one who made the decision for you, I would want you here with the rest of us.”

“Really?” I asked in shock.

“Yeah, despite how it is…we need a role model here in the group to look up to. You know, someone who we have a chance to catch up with. Someone who is on our level.” said Mario.

“He’s right…if you leave, it would be hard on us looking ahead with someone like Captain who is an unreachable standard. But if it was you who stands next to him, them maybe it wouldn’t be so hard looking ahead.” said Garon.

“You say it like I’m some kind of bait to motivate you guys.”

“That’s exactly it.” said Mario.

“oof..okay, then you only made it harder for me.”

“Well, if our opinion doesn’t help then how about her.” said Mario as he pointed to the barracks. More specifically, the window. And by that window…Theresa was found reading a book.

“Hm??”

“I heard from a lot of the guys that the reason why their staying is mostly because of her. She tended to a lot of our injuries on her own…and ever since then, she has grown a lot of following.”

“I know that.” I said.

“Some of the boys even call her the angel.” said Garon.

“Hmm, a fitting name indeed.” said Mario as he blushed at the sight of Theresa’s beauty.

“She’s all well and good, but does us admiring from afar really change anything? I mean…what if we were caught by the captain looking at her?” I asked.

“Yeah…the captain is beginning to notice that some of the boys are looking at Theresa with more than just admiration. It won’t be long now before one of us gets to be punished for trying something.” said Garon.

“I just want to look man…her presence alone heals me!” said Mario proudly.

“…hmm.” when I looked at Theresa, I remembered the first time I was sent to the clinic.

It was around our 17th day in training, and during that time I accidentally slipped off the icy ground and dislocated my foot. When I was carried to the clinic, she was there.

In all her beauty…she looked at me with the eyes of a woman who was fully worried. It’s been ages since I was looked that way from any of the girls in the village. It might be because of my awful reputation as the bully of the village, but now…she was there, tending to my injury with such soft hands.

I couldn’t help but admire her dedication in trying to help me. So I became curious and asked her.

“Say…why are you helping the captain with this? Aren’t you also busy watching over your family’s workshop?” I asked.

But in return, she simply gave me a warm smile and said.

“It’s the least I can do for him. For all the things he has done for our livelihood, I just want to try and not feel so worthless when I look him in the eye each day. Compared to his work, my work can barely compare.” she said as her eyes furrowed in sadness.

“I see…I sort of understand how you feel. Someone as great as him can sometimes make you feel a little small. But I kind of admire his greatness. It’s something I look to each day, and for each work I do, I hope that I would ba able to get close to him little by little…despite how hard it is.” as I said those words, she in turn simply smiled and placed her hand on my thigh.

“Keep trying, and I’m sure you can reach him someday.” she said.

“Y-you too.” I said.

And from then on, my heart fell for her.

***

As Mario and Garon laughed lightly, my eyes stayed fixed on Theresa by the window. The golden light of the late afternoon framed her hair, catching in strands like fire. She looked so peaceful—completely unaware of the storm raging in me.

That memory of her in the clinic lingered. Her warm hand on my thigh, her soft smile, her quiet encouragement. It wasn’t just admiration anymore. No—it was something that tied me here, as surely as chains.

“Damn it…” I muttered under my breath.

Mario leaned on his wooden sword, grinning. “What’s wrong? Don’t tell me you’re actually in love with her.”

“Shut it,” I said quickly, though my ears burned.

Garon chuckled. “So you are.”

I couldn’t deny it. Not to them, not to myself.

“If I were you, I’d be careful…but also, I should try sneaking in a few advances at her while the Captain doesn’t know my intentions yet.”

“What?” I asked.

“I’m saying that if you really like her, try to at least talk to her more. From what I know, there are about a dozen boys after her heart as well. If they get to her first, it’s your lost…but it’s also their funeral if the captain finds out. Hahaha!” laughed Garon.

“He’s right. Although I don’t have a lot of experience with women, I can tell you now that if you were to make a move on her and she reciprocates that same feeling, then you will have a chance at surviving the fury of the captain. I’m sure the captain respects his sister enough to make her own choices in life.” said Mario.

“…”

The weight in my chest grew unbearable. If I left—if I truly left—then I wouldn’t just be abandoning the company. I’d be abandoning her. And I knew, deep down, that even if I wandered the whole world, I might never find another girl who looked at me the way she did that day in the clinic.

But still… the call of my dream clawed at me. The urge to see beyond these walls, beyond the fields, beyond the faces I had always known. To prove myself—not as a shadow of Captain Thill, but as me.

The sun was sinking, bleeding its last light across the horizon. Every breath felt heavier as sundown crept closer. Time was running out.

And then, as if fate itself twisted the knife, I saw her. Theresa, stepping out from the clinic, her hair catching the fiery glow of dusk as she made her way toward the village.

My chest tightened. My legs moved before I could think.

“Where are you going?” Mario’s voice caught me as I slipped past the training grounds.

“I… I gotta go talk to my parents,” I stammered.

“Alright, see you.”

I forced myself to walk calmly, but my heart was sprinting ahead of me. By the time I reached the gate, Theresa was already there. We passed through almost side by side, and suddenly I was too close to turn back.

“Oh, um… hi.” I blurted out, my voice cracking slightly.

She glanced at me, tilting her head in faint surprise. “…Hi?”

That one word, soft and casual, was enough to send my thoughts scattering. Her beauty struck me like the first time I’d seen her—so effortlessly radiant it made my throat dry.

“Uh—w-where are you going?” I asked, struggling not to choke on my own tongue.

“…Home?” She gave me a look like the answer was obvious. “And you are…?”

“I-I’m going home too!” I rushed out. Too fast. Too loud.

She arched an eyebrow, then offered a small smile before turning away. “Alright then.”

She started walking, and for a heartbeat I froze, watching her slip farther away.

No. Not yet. Not like this.

I forced my legs to move. “W-wait!” I jogged a few steps to catch up. My palms were damp, but I couldn’t back out now. “…Um, before that… can I talk to you?”

She slowed, then stopped, turning to face me fully. Her eyes swept me up and down, sharp but kind—the practiced gaze of a caretaker checking for hidden wounds. “Hmm, it doesn’t look like you’re hurt. What’s wrong?”

Her attention pinned me in place. For a moment I almost forgot what I wanted to say. “…It’s about my path,” I finally managed. “M-my choice. Moving on from here. What I should do.”

Her brows lifted in faint realization. “Is this about the graduation? On whether or not you guys would leave the company or stay?” she asked.

“Y-yeah.”

She crossed her arms, studying me carefully. “And you came to me about this? Shouldn’t you be asking my brother? He’s the one who—”

“I did.” I cut in quickly. My voice dropped to almost a whisper. “He told me it was up to me.”

“Mm.” She tilted her head, her expression softening. “Well… he’s right. It is your choice. So why ask me?”

“I…I thought you could give me your opinion on the matter. It’s important that by sundown, I get to make a choice…and seeing as how you’re a fresh set of eyes, I wanted your opinion on the matter. ” I said.

Her lips curved into a faint smile. She looked at me a moment longer before nodding. “…Alright. If you really want my opinion, come on. Let’s talk while I work.”

“W-work?”

“I have to cook dinner tonight. If you don’t mind tagging along, we can talk at my house while I prepare.”

My heart nearly stopped. “Your… house?”

She blinked at my reaction, then let out a soft laugh. “Don’t look so terrified. It’s just dinner, not an ambush.”

“O-oh. Right. Of course.” I tried to sound casual, but my voice cracked again, betraying me.

And yet… I followed. Step by step, side by side, we walked down the worn path toward her home.

The closer we came to the captain’s house, the heavier my chest grew. I couldn’t decide if this was the best decision of my life… or if I was walking straight into dangerous territory.

When we finally reached the door, I paused, staring at the threshold.

Captain Thill’s home.

Her home.

And I was about to step inside.