The Reason Why I was Cheated on By My Girlfriend - Chapter 24

Don’t be Kind to Me

Yua’s POV

The sudden start of my abstinent life brings me unimaginable pain.

For example, when I try to sleep at night, my body becomes really hot, and an unbearable urge rise from within me. When I try to hold myself back, it feels like my entire body is being pulled from the inside, causing immense discomfort and pain.

I writhe in agony. I can’t stop sweating.

When I went to the hospital for examination, they said that there’s nothing wrong with my body.

I can’t believe that. I’m in constant pain, like when I’m having a fever or a cold.

It’s truly painful, but I have no choice but to endure it.

This is my punishment for betraying Haru-kun. Thinking that way makes it somewhat bearable.

I close my eyes and wait to fall asleep.

And strangely enough, my consciousness slowly fades.

Just as I’m about to relax and surrender to the drowsiness, it suddenly begins.

─it hurts. It’s painful. I’m scared.

A trauma engraved deep within my heart.

A fear that I can’t forget, no matter how much time passes.

─no, stop. Somebody, help me.

The day when my once beautiful self came to an end.

“─Haru-kun!”

I always realize that I’m having that terrible nightmare the moment I wake up.

“…that dream again.”

I’m in my own room.

My body is sitting up, and my hand is reaching out.

It’s the hand that sought for help.

But no one came to grab it and save me.

“……”

Cautiously, I pull my hand back and hug my shoulders.

I feel like I have touched some liquid, so I quickly pull my hand away.

I immediately look at my palm and feel relieved to see that the liquid is just sweat.

“…Haru-kun.”

I’m startled that I suddenly called out his name unconsciously.

I have no right to cling to him.

I’m filthy. Disgusting.

Even I think so myself.

Why didn’t you abandon me?

Why are you still being so kind to me?

“…I should take a shower.”

I get out of bed and head to the bathroom.

As I let the water wash away my sweat, I mutter a thought that suddenly comes to mind,

“…Haru-kun went on a date.”

I can’t believe it. I’ve never even seen him talking to Sakashita-san. Why all of a sudden…?

“No.”

I have no right to cry.

I knew it all along. The moment I gave in to pleasure that day, it was already decided.

“…I have to let go.”

I told myself so, trying to convince myself.

“…just give up already.”

It’s okay. This pain is only temporary.

Time will surely heal it.

“…however, will I be really okay?”

I can’t even imagine my days without Haru-kun.

When I try to force myself to think about it, even though I’m in a warm shower, my body starts shivering.

No, I don’t want that. I don’t want to be separated with Haru-kun.

I can’t do that. It’s impossible.

Conflicting thoughts clash in my mind.

I feel dizzy. It’s so painful and unbearable.

“…I want to see him.”

I just can’t let go of my first love.

It’s a complete mess.

I know we won’t be able to go back to how we were, yet my heart refuses to accept it.

“…it’s all Haru-kun’s fault.”

I want to give up, but I can’t do it on my own.

That’s why, I want you to push me away.

No, I don’t want that to happen. I want to stay with Haru-kun forever.

“…please, don’t be kind to me.”

I want Haru-kun to be cold to me. I want him to hate me.

No, I absolutely don’t want that to happen. I can’t bear it.

It’s a complete mess.

It feels like I have two conflicting personalities inside of me.

“…Haru-kun.”

The bad side of me places a hand on my stomach.

That hand slowly moves down towards my lower abdomen, and I shiver at the sensation I hadn’t felt in a while.

“No!”

The good side of me grabs that hand and stops it.

“I can’t betray you again…”

Drops of water that aren’t from the shower fall on the back of my hand.

Desperately suppressing the overwhelming urge that nearly drove me mad, I step out of the bathroom.

And then—

Before I knew it, I’m in Haru-kun’s room.

Somehow, I end up in his bed.

(…how? How did all this happen?)

As I’m still confused, Haru-kun turns his back to me and starts talking about the past.

With each word he speaks, my heart gradually calms down.

The overwhelming feelings and urges I had been struggling with fades away as if by magic.

“…Haru-kun, you’ve become more mature, haven’t you?”

“Really?”

“I used to be the older sister.”

“That’s not true at all.”

“Yes, that’s true. You used to cry a lot when you got hurt.”

“How old was I then?”

“Around five?”

“That doesn’t count.”

“We used to fight a lot in elementary school, too.”

“…stop it. That’s embarrassing to remember.”

Haru-kun said so with a troubled voice.

Hearing it makes me laugh.

(…eh?)

I just laughed naturally.

It’s such an ordinary thing, yet it surprised me.

“On the other hand, Yua, you haven’t changed at all.”

“That’s not true.”

I pout my lips.

Haru-kun’s shoulders shakes slightly with a chuckle.

After that, we continue reminiscing about our past.

The memories we share remains beautiful, and every time we confirm that, it makes me really happy.

“You know…”

Haru-kun said so in a soft voice.

“You don’t need to hold back.”

“……”

“I’ll do whatever I can.”

…stop.

“That’s all. I just wanted to say it.”

…please don’t say things like that.

“I’m going to get some tea. Do you want any, Yua?”

“…I’m fine.”

“Alright.”

Haru-kun stands up and leaves the room.

Afterwards, the distinctive sound of his footsteps can be heard.

The room is filled with silence.

Yet, I don’t feel anxious at all.

(…Haru-kun’s smell.)

I’m just lying on the bed.

Even so, it feels like I’m being embraced by him.

(…it feels really calming.)

I wonder what would it feel like if it were the real Haru-kun.

What would it feel like if he were to hold me?

What would happen then?

(…would I be able to hold myself back?)

An impure thought comes to mind.

No, I shouldn’t think about such things.

(…no, that’s not right. Haru-kun is dating Sakashita-san.)

I think they make a perfect couple.

For someone as handsome as Haru-kun, Sakashita-san is the best match for him.

(…I should be happy for them.)

Being lovers isn’t everything.

As childhood friends, I want to continue to get along with Haru-kun as we always have.

That’s why, these feelings are wrong.

I know they contradict my own actions, but they’re still wrong.

I have to forget about these feelings towards Haru-kun. I have to give up.

So please, don’t be kind to me. Push me away even more.

(…Haru-kun)

I unconsciously grab and hug the blanket.

Haru-kun’s scent grows stronger, and my head starts to spin.

I must seem like a pervert.

No, there’s no doubt about it—I am a pervert.

I am filthy. I am disgusting.

I have no right to stand next to Haru-kun.

(…I have to end it.)

I bite my lip tightly.

Immediately afterwards, tears start to run down my cheeks.

(…I have to end it all.)

A strong drowsiness overcomes me.

That night, I didn’t have a nightmare.

When I wake up, I welcome the pleasant morning.

However, the first thing I feel is—emptiness.