The Most Beautiful Girl in School Has Become a Mother - Chapter 43: Hidden True Feelings and Guilt

The next day was just like any other morning.

When I woke up, Dad wasn’t there, but Miori was waiting near the daycare. The three of us went to the daycare together, and I handed Shuri over to Kijima-sensei.

After that, I walked to school with Miori. Along the way, Shinya and Sumomo joined us, and we became the usual noisy four. Their noise masked the unease in my chest. If I pretended to laugh, I felt like I could even ignore the self-loathing deep in my heart.

I was regretting having a deep conversation with my dad, even if it was too late.

Surely, because something good happened, as my dad said, I might have gotten a bit carried away. Things have been going well for me lately, and I thought that if I continued like this, my dad would also follow my lead. I think those were my expectations.

However, such things were ultimately an illusion. My surroundings might have changed somewhat, but the fundamental problems remained unchanged. My father’s feelings, the environment Shuri is in, and the issues I am facing—none of them have changed at all.

I hated myself for having expectations of my dad. I couldn’t stand dreaming that one day he would recover and act like a father.

Shuri is my precious little sister, but after all, she is just a sister. Although she was born from the same species and womb, she is not the child of the person he loved.

A child born from the same womb and a child born from the person he loved—though I still don’t know that feeling, I believe there must be a significant difference between them. I think there are emotions that can only be felt because the child was born to the person he loved, who risked their life to bring them into the world.

That is something that neither I nor Miori can ever feel towards Shuri. We can play the roles of “dad” and “mom,” but we can never become Shuri’s real father and mother.

And Shuri understands this somewhere in her mind. That’s why, when Miori is around, she calls me “dad,” and when Miori leaves, she calls me “Big Brother.” The fact that I am not her father and Miori is not her mother──though it’s obvious──Shuri understands this unconsciously.

When we are both together, she becomes our daughter, and when Miori goes home, she turns back into a younger sister. Isn’t forcing a five-year-old to play such roles just too pitiful?

It might be fine for now. However, if we continue this relationship even after entering elementary school, she will surely feel a sense of discomfort with the “acting.” There will inevitably come a time when she fully understands it as a mere pretense.

It might be pointed out by someone at school, saying, “That’s strange, you’re not really a parent and child.” Or, it might be realized because of one’s own acquired knowledge. It might be discovered that this is a grand meal event and that Miori is just going along with it.

At that moment──Shuri might be incredibly hurt. And seeing that, Miori might be even more hurt.

Of course, this is just my overthinking. There’s also a possibility that it will end gently and smoothly without any issues.

But looking at the current relationship between Miori and Shuri, it doesn’t feel like it will end so smoothly.

The two of them had gotten so close that there were moments when they felt like a real parent and child. That’s why, if this were to end as it is, both of them would surely get hurt. I had a strong premonition of that in me.

Before it gets to that point, I want my dad to face Shuri. I want him to tell her that he is her real father and to shower her with true parental love.

It’s been five years since Mom passed away. Ever since then, Dad has been mourning her death. If he has that much feeling, I wonder why he can’t pour that feeling into Mom’s legacy.

If that happens, Dad and Shuri will at least be saved more than they are now. No, I wish for them to be saved by that.

What I truly wish for is not just to purely think about Shuri and my father. There is also a hidden desire for them to finally take care of his daughter, not to push everything onto me, and to set me free.

It’s precisely because I’m aware of that that I can’t help but think of myself as dirty.

That is──because I can’t help but feel a bit resentful towards my sister, who has no one else to rely on but me. She is so cute, so weak, and someone I must protect, yet I find myself resenting her in some way. I’m exhausted. I envy the high school students around me who can use their after-school time as they please.

Expectations of my father, when turned inside out, are a shifting of responsibility. Am I trying to push Shuri onto my father somewhere? I catch a glimpse of my own ugliness like that.

So, I usually avoided talking to my dad. Even if I did, I would only feel frustrated by my own true feelings and my dad, who always turned his back on me.

However, I overstepped yesterday.

That’s because, as Dad said, something good happened.

The fact that I have become close with Imiya Miori, the girl I secretly admired, and that we spend our days filled with laughter along with our mutual classmates and friends, Sumomo and Shinya, is a significant factor.

Perhaps I enjoyed the time spent with Miori, Shinya, and Sumomo. I want to spend more time with them, to play without restrictions, so please, face forward already, and set me free. That was the underlying feeling that peeked through there.

And that, albeit just a little, proved that I was looking forward to the summer camp where I would be free from my younger sister.

Thinking about that, I am overwhelmed by unbearable self-loathing. I can’t help but realize that I see Shuri as an obstacle within myself. That is something I cannot endure.

“…Isaki-kun, are you okay?” 

“Huh?” 

It was during the break between classes. I was staring blankly out the window from my seat when Miori called out to me. 

“Am I okay… with what?” 

“You’ve been looking down all day. I was wondering what was wrong.”

She sat sideways on the chair in front of me, facing me while talking. 

“It’s nothing… really.” 

I averted my gaze from Miori. Her large eyes, which looked at me with concern, stirred my guilt.

I really think she is taking care of Shuri out of pure feelings. She also considers my health, and she is truly a good person.

However, if she were to find out that deep down I harbor disdain for Shuri, how much would she despise me? I was afraid of being seen like that.

Miori smiled awkwardly and said, “I see,” then let out a small sigh.

I thought she would just get up from her seat, but she remained seated in the front row, directing her gaze in the same direction as mine.

“…Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“Today, we only have five periods, right? There’s a bit of time before I have to go pick up Shuri-chan, and there’s somewhere I’d like you to come with me for a little while… Is that okay?”

Miori looked a bit nervous as she hesitantly asked.

“Ah, of course. I don’t have anything else to do anyway. I’ll let you treat me to crepes or coffee or whatever.” 

“That’s not what I meant.” 

At my response, Miori gave a slightly exasperated smile. 

“Then, let’s meet at the entrance after school. Okay?”

“Understood.”

Miori made that promise and then returned to her seat.

The stares from my classmates were painful, but now they don’t bother me much. More than that, I’m overwhelmed just facing the swirling emotions inside me. 

I buried my face in my desk and waited for that after-school moment to arrive.