School Trip 1 (Part 3)

After finishing dinner, I returned to the room to find Kiyohito already there.

“…You’re back already.”

“…Yeah,” he replied, handing me a bottle of juice.

“…Thanks.”

He also handed me a big bag of potato chips, and we ate them while watching TV.

It was a scene that had played out countless times in our daily lives.

“…I used to look up to you.” he said suddenly.

“…What? You looked up to me?” I asked, surprised.

“…Yeah. My current persona is just an imitation of how you used to be,” he confessed.

◇

On the TV screen, a question appears: “What does ‘Learn from yesterday.’ mean?”

“Oh, I know this! …Learn from the past? It’s an Einstein quote!”

The answer appeared on the screen, exactly the same.

“…You’re amazing, Aoi-kun.”

“My dad just happened to mention it, and I remembered!” he said with a carefree smile.

He was always smiling, always cheerful, and had the power to make people happy. 

It wasn’t just that—he was also smart, fast, and popular in class.

When I found out he was secretly working hard as a child actor, he really seemed like a star to me.

In contrast, I was shy from a young age, uncomfortable in front of people, always lingering on the outskirts of the group like some background character.

Yet, despite being just a “villager A,” he befriended me like it was the most natural thing in the world. I admired him for that and thought he was really cool.

Then one day, my superstar had an accident.

Rushing to the hospital, I found Aoi-kun lying in bed, battered and bruised.

In that moment, a small part of me felt a twisted sense of relief. I was horrified by my reaction, but I couldn’t immediately understand why I felt that way.

However, upon thinking about it carefully, the answer became clear.

I was jealous. 

Jealous of his success, his charisma, everything about him. 

I was ashamed and disgusted with myself for feeling that way. That’s why I thought I was a terrible person.

So, I decided to change. I started mimicking him, trying to become more like my role model. I worked hard in secret, pushing myself to my limits, even though there were things I couldn’t change. 

I kept striving relentlessly.

Eventually, I found myself at the center of the circle, surrounded by friends.

Then one day, he returned to school. I felt a mix of anxiety and joy. Finally, I thought, we could be equals. I could stand beside him as a friend.

But he had changed.

◇

I recently told my father about my friend who had just come back and seemed different.

“Cognitive dysfunction?”

“Yeah, it sounds like a cognitive disorder. It’s not uncommon for someone’s personality to change after a traffic accident. A very active kid might become passive, for instance. It’s not rare. But… well, just be considerate as you always have,” he advised.

My father, a doctor, knew a lot about these things. After doing some research, I finally understood what it meant.

As I had become more positive, he had turned more negative. With my role model gone, I continued to play the character of the cheerful, good guy.

But in the end, it was just an act. I could never become the real thing. And even though the real one was gone, I was left as a counterfeit, forever chasing an unattainable authenticity.

The current me is a fake. And I will continue living as a fake.

Even so, I stayed by Aoi’s side. Of course, we were friends, the closest of friends. He was my former idol, and I was afraid to be apart from him. But the main reason was probably that being near Aoi, who had lost his former brilliance, made me feel superior.

In the end, I hadn’t changed at all.

◇

“…Even after entering high school, nothing really changed. But the day I found out you had married that angel, I honestly wasn’t that surprised or even hurt. Deep down, I thought, ‘Of course.’ So I wasn’t angry that you kept it a secret. I just wanted to take a step back and reflect on myself. But I couldn’t help it. I kept finding myself watching you. To me, you’ll always be my hero and my coolest friend,” Kiyohito confessed, still staring at the TV, avoiding eye contact.

I had no idea. 

I vaguely remembered Kiyohito being shy when we first met, but I never imagined he was trying to imitate me.

And… a cognitive disorder, huh? 

The doctors probably told my parents, but it never got back to me.

I used to see everything so brightly and positively, and maybe that changed after the accident.

This was all so surprising, but it also made some sense.

In the dark room, the flickering light from the TV was our only illumination.

“…I see.”

“…Aren’t you going to blame me?”

“…There’s nothing to blame you for, no reason to.”

“There is, though. So much… When I think about it, my feelings for Marin-chan were probably just a misunderstanding. I just wanted to be near the brightest person. That’s probably why I wasn’t hurt.”

Hearing those words, I finally turned to face Kiyohito.

“Kiyohito, you’re my hero. It doesn’t matter if it’s fake or whatever. If I’m the real deal, then you’re a fake that the real thing acknowledges. So, please stay with me. Let’s keep being idiots together… and keep laughing together…” Tears suddenly started pouring down my face.

Seeing me cry, Kiyohito began to cry too.

“Idiot…! At least blame me a little! …You…”

And so, we hugged and cried together. (Damn, you’re making me cry too)