38

My mind was in a mess.

Do I want to be forgiven?

Or do I not want to be forgiven?

I don’t know. I don’t understand anything.

Unanswerable questions kept swirling in my mind.

Round and round and round…

Circling and circling and circling… 

And then…

Suddenly, I came to a realization.

What is “sin”?

It’s something that becomes an issue because of wrong actions.

But what are wrong actions?

Is it something that breaks the law?

Something that is considered taboo?

Something that causes trouble for others?

Something that involves doing bad things?

I’m not completely clueless.

I understand these things based on common sense and societal norms.

However, to begin with,

What is “evil”?

What defines something as evil?

Is it the law? Morality? Common sense? The masses?

In the end, aren’t these just judgments based on individual values and perspectives?

If you replace “evil” with “justice,” it becomes clear.

Everyone has their own sense of justice.

There may be times when your sense of justice aligns with that of others, but there may also be times when you completely disagree.

The justice you believe in may not align with someone else’s.

Why? Because each person has their own set of values and ethics.

Our individual concepts of justice differ.

Sometimes they align, and sometimes they conflict.

These differences are simply a result of varying perspectives.

Just as there are differences in what people consider just, there are also differences in what they consider evil.

It’s based on common sense and moral standards instilled in us.

But who created these value standards?

Humans.

Humans themselves created the concepts of justice and evil.

They defined certain actions as just and others as evil.

Killing another human is evil.

But what about slaughtering cows or pigs?

If it’s done for a valid reason, such as providing food for survival, then it’s a necessity. In that case, is the act just? It can be considered just, but there are also those who view it as evil.

It all depends on the perspective.

It’s all subjective.

Justice and evil are constructs created by humans.

Therefore, to begin with, neither justice nor evil truly exists.

Am I wrong in my thinking?

Probably…

Some people will think I’m wrong.

Others will think I’m right.

In the end, it’s a matter of subjective judgment, based on one’s own values.

If that’s the case,

This isn’t a question of whether it’s forgivable or not.

There is no justice.

There is no evil.

There is no sin.

Nothing exists to begin with.

All that exists are the facts of what we have done.

My mind cleared, and my thoughts converged.

And I arrived at an answer.

The solution to this problem isn’t about what’s right or wrong.

The problem that needs to be solved…

Is whether the involved parties can be satisfied or not.

That’s the issue.

It’s not about what I should do.

It’s about what I want to do.

What do I need to do to be satisfied with the current situation?

I questioned and pondered.

The fact that I’m questioning means I’m already dissatisfied.

If I were completely satisfied, I wouldn’t need to think about it.

I could just accept the status quo.

But I don’t want to.

So, I have no choice but to take action.

As such, I must face the idol of righteousness head-on.

She’s not a goddess.

She’s not an angel.

She’s not a saint.

She’s just a cute girl.

I’ll confront her directly.

I’ll convey my thoughts to her.

I didn’t have the time to think about it when I was with her.

But now, after thinking.

I’ve come to a conclusion.

I’ll face her.

I’ll go to her myself.

And so, I made up my mind, being alone and having the opportunity to think, I’ve been able to organize my thoughts. 

And then I arrived at a solution

I stood up.

Let’s go and meet her myself.

Go back to her.

So, that’s how I became open-minded.

39

Where is Nayuta now?

When I woke up in the morning, she was already gone.

There was an envelope on the table, containing a 10,000 yen note. I had no money, as I was not allowed to possess private property. It was probably left by Nayuta, and I assumed it was for food or something.

The fact that she deliberately left it behind suggests that it’s not an emergency situation. So, she must have had a reason for leaving.

If it was just a regular outing, she would have either taken me with her or said something before leaving. In fact, when she absolutely had to leave me, she would put me in handcuffs or chains… ahem. This time, she didn’t do that, and I’m free to move around.

I haven’t been abandoned, yet I’m allowed freedom.

Therefore, it’s safe to assume that Nayuta is probably watching me through surveillance cameras or listening devices.

The reason is a bit unclear, but I’m probably right about that.

And I predict that she’s monitoring me from a fairly close location, so that she can quickly subdue me if I do something wrong.

So, where is Nayuta?

Suddenly, I had a realization. Come to think of it, there’s the room next door. Nayuta once entered the room next to the one where we’re living our daily lives.

It’s a mysterious room with an unknown purpose, presumably rented by Nayuta. I’ve never been inside, so I don’t know what it looks like.

Anyway, since I want to see Nayuta, I’ll try my luck and go to the room next door.

I left through the front door and headed to the room next door.

Should I ring the doorbell? No, I don’t think anyone would respond.

I turned the doorknob, and it opened without any resistance.

The door wasn’t locked.

I slowly and quietly opened the door.

As the door opened, I peered inside through the gap.

Our eyes met.

“Woaahhhh?!!!”

I was so startled that I ended up falling on my butt.

“What’s wrong, Masayoshi-kun? Why are you shouting so loudly?”

Half of her face appeared in the gap of the door, and it was unmistakably the smiling face of Nayuta Shirai.

Apparently, she had been standing right behind the door, so when I opened it and peeked inside, our eyes met. It gave me a fright.

“Ah… I was startled because a cute face suddenly appeared.”

“Oh, is that so?”

Nayuta, still smiling, stepped out from behind the door.

I had been foiled at the outset, but it turned out well in the end. I regained my composure and stood up.

“I was worried because you suddenly disappeared.”

“Fufu, it seems you can’t do without me, Masayoshi-kun.”

“That’s right. Without you, I’m nothing.”

“That’s good.”

Nayuta’s smile was simply adorable. I felt like pushing her down right then and there.

“So, why did you suddenly leave?”

“I heard the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder, so I wanted to test it… But I was found out so quickly.”

Nayuta continued to smile as she stepped out from behind the door.

As she stepped out, I caught a glimpse of the room through the gap in the door.

It was a shocking sight.

The walls and ceiling were covered with photos, all the way up to the ceiling. I couldn’t see the back of the room, but the photos were even pasted on the back of the door, and I could see them clearly. Every single one of them was a photo of me.

I wonder what kind of mysterious world lies in the room next door to mine…

“Now that I’ve been discovered, let’s go back, Masayoshi-kun.”

Nayuta closed the door, locked it securely, and took my hand, leading me back to my room.

I was led back to my room by her hand.

◇

“I want to talk to you.”

I faced Nayuta once again and started the conversation.

“Talk…?”

“Yes, I wanted to have a proper conversation with you, Nayuta.”

“I see.”

Nayuta smiled gently. I almost got lost in her smile, but at the same time, there was an indescribable pressure in her words.

I felt that she was indirectly telling me that there was no point in talking now, but I couldn’t back down at this point.

“First of all… I want to apologize sincerely. I took your virginity by force using despicable means, and I’m truly sorry.”

I bowed deeply, lowering my head to the floor in a dogeza.

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s not something that can be undone even if you apologize. I will still never forgive you, Masayoshi-kun.”

My sincere apology was mercilessly brushed aside.

Well, I knew that would be the case. This apology was my way of concluding my misdeeds.

“I know. I understand that apologizing won’t change anything, that what I did is irreversible, and that you won’t forgive me. But I still wanted to apologize properly.”

Then, was it just for my own satisfaction?

No, it’s not.

This isn’t the end.

“It’s good that you have the right attitude. It’s commendable that you apologized sincerely, Masayoshi-kun. Whether or not I forgive you is a separate matter, though.”

“I didn’t expect to be forgiven. I just wanted to apologize. That’s all.”

“I see.”

“So, Nayuta, now that I’ve apologized… “

From here on…

“Now, Nayuta, it’s your turn to apologize to me, isn’t it?”