Surviving in a World Teeming with Monsters with the Useless Skill 【Everyday Items Master】! I Was Just Hunting Wild Animals with a Crowbar, So Why Is Everyone Screaming It's an S-Rank Monster? - 123

Chapter 123: Who Stole the Tart?

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While avoiding enemies across the rooftops, I used my tape measure to zip around with wire-action. About three minutes in, I collapsed on a rooftop, completely spent.

“B-break time…!”

The past few days—especially today—had been absolute chaos. I was beyond exhausted.

Wait, I was only supposed to exterminate the Kagerou today, right? So how the hell did it escalate into this mess? How did the victory party turn into me fighting the Queen of Hearts?

“Once this fight is over, I’m gonna sleep like the dead… I mean it, I’m going to indulge in sloth like never before…”

After regaining some of my energy, I stood up. The distance to the broadcast tower was about halfway now. Considering how full of enemies the route was, covering 500 meters in 3 minutes wasn’t bad. Though, with a 5-minute break, it kind of canceled out the point.

“Yeah, yeah, I know I should work on my stamina…”

Being a homebody by nature, anything resembling training was just plain tedious. Just as I was about to resume my rooftop movement using my tape measure, it happened.

“WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!”

An ear-splitting shriek rang out. A building at the boundary between the residential and commercial districts collapsed. Trying to figure out what caused it, I spotted a bizarre woman and a baby. The woman was dressed in an extravagant gown, like a noble. But her face—it was bizarrely distorted, the features jumbled together, taking up about 80% of her entire body.

The baby was wrapped in what looked like fine silk cloth, but it was enormous—about five times the size of the mother, wailing at a volume that could shatter glass.

“M-my ears are gonna burst!”

I clamped my hands over my ears and clenched my teeth, trying to endure the baby’s sonic assault. 

Next time I see earplugs, I’m definitely grabbing some.

Even through my hands, the sound pierced straight through. The mother started shouting as well.

“Pepper! Pour lots of pepper! Pepper in the soup! Pepper on the tart! Pepper for the baby too! That’s just how the world works! ACHOO!”

Pepper shakers began swirling around her of their own accord, sprinkling pepper everywhere. Both the mother and baby were sneezing nonstop because of it.

Is that what’s making the baby cry?

I took aim and hurled my pry bar at a nearby knife.

【Nail Drive】

The knife struck, smashing one of the pepper shakers. Instantly, the baby stopped crying and started sucking its thumb, babbling to himself. 

“Babu, babubuu.”

“Finally… Some peace.”

Wiping the cold sweat from my brow, I suddenly noticed two figures crawling up onto the roof beside me. They looked like butlers or servants, with fish and frog heads.

“You smashed the Duchess’s pepper shaker!” 

“You smashed it!”

“Huh? You got a problem with that?”

I readied my weapon, but the servants replied.

“No, not really…” 

“No complaints, per se…”

“What the hell is with you guys?”

They were hard to deal with. Then the Duchess herself—holding the now-giant baby—jumped down in front of me, flanked by the two servants.

“You’re the one who broke the pepper shaker earlier, aren’t you!”

“So now you do have a problem?”

“No, no? Actually, thanks! We couldn’t stop sneezing. But now we can’t eat the tart without pepper. Could you give us some?”

“Who the hell puts pepper on tart?”

For some reason, the Duchess tossed a tart at me. Not really understanding why, I caught it on instinct.

“Alright, let’s go everyone!”

Without warning, the Duchess hurled the baby to the ground. Next thing I knew, the baby had transformed into a pig. The Duchess climbed onto the giant pig-baby and rode off at breakneck speed, leaving the servants behind.

“What the hell was that…?”

I looked down at the tart I’d caught. In the next instant, a booming voice echoed from the broadcast tower.

“Issuing the Third Decree! Whoever stole the Queen’s tart shall be judged by trial, their punishment decided by the court!”

“Wha—!?”

Suddenly, the world around me flipped like a collapsing folding screen, transforming into a courtroom.

“Ngh—”

Before I realized it, I was standing in the defendant’s position. Directly ahead, high above, sat the judge. A middle-aged man, dressed like a tiny king, weeping miserably. His clothes were adorned with heart motifs.

“We shall now begin the trial for the defendant accused of stealing the Queen’s tart! I, the King of Hearts, shall act as judge!”

The King of Hearts. The judge. So this was the trial. Looking around, I saw the gallery was filled with strange animals and playing card soldiers. There were no prosecutors or defense attorneys present. Panicking, I tried to escape, only to find I couldn’t move properly. It felt like I was being restrained by some invisible force.

My weapons had somehow returned to my pocket—and I couldn’t draw them.

Damn it. I’ve been had.

This absurd setting masked an extremely powerful attack. Who would’ve thought accepting that tart would trigger something this binding?

“…!”

I had no idea what would make things worse, so I froze, keeping still and watching carefully.

“Defendant. You are holding the Queen’s tart, correct? That tart was meant for her highly anticipated tea time. You admit this, yes?”

“W-wait!”

I realized I couldn’t afford to let this trial proceed without defending myself.

“This tart was handed to me by the Duchess! I didn’t steal it! If it’s that important, I’ll return it!”

But the King of Hearts gasped.

“Eek! Eeeeek! H-how dare you say such a thing! Handed over by the Duchess!? Are you trying to blame her!? What a heinous criminal!”

“Huh? No, really! She gave it to me!”

“Eeeeeek! So scary! Trying to intimidate me with your loud voice won’t work! Right, charges of ‘Defamation of the Duchess’ and ‘False Testimony’! Your crimes just got worse, thief!”

“Are you kidding me!? I’m just telling the truth! You’re the one trying to pin a crime on someone innocent!”

“You dare say my courtroom is unjust!? Waaaah! Waaaaaaah! How could you say something so cruel!? That’s ‘Contempt of Court’! Add ‘Contempt of Court’ to the list!”

“Tch… Ngh.”

I was beginning to understand the point of this trial. This wasn’t about justice. It was a pretext for an unavoidable conceptual attack. If you were holding the tart, nothing else mattered. The trial would find you guilty, and the verdict itself would be the attack. Any excuses would just be additional charges. So I shut my mouth.

The King of Hearts flinched.

“Wh-why are you silent all of a sudden…? Wh-what are you plotting? Are you planning to kill me!? Are you harboring murderous intent!? What a dangerous criminal!”

Driven mad by fear, the King of Hearts declared:

“Adding charges of ‘Concealment,’ ‘Attempted Murder,’ and ‘Treason for Planning Regicide’!”

So I can’t even stay silent in this trial!?

The King slammed the gavel on the bench.

“The verdict! For crimes of ‘Theft,’ ‘Defamation,’ ‘False Testimony,’ ‘Contempt of Court,’ ‘Concealment,’ ‘Attempted Murder,’ and ‘Treason’…”

Tears and terror streaming down his face, he announced:

“The defendant is sentenced to ‘Equipment Distortion Punishment,’ ‘Miniature Cake Forced Consumption Punishment,’ and ‘Execution by Stomping from Card Soldiers’!”

The court adjourned and the courtroom collapsed around me like a dismantled set. I was back on the ground.

“What the hell was that even…—!?”

Cakes on plates appeared all around me. My mouth was forced open by invisible hands floating in the air.

“Mmmph! Mmmooo!”

I tried to resist, pulling out my pry bar from my pocket. But to my shock, the bar bent like tofu.

『Equipment Distortion Punishment.』

None of my weapons worked. The umbrella was warped and wouldn’t open. The tape measure was crumpled. The spray can was bloated and about to burst. A fork stabbed a cake. It moved toward my mouth. I struggled, but resistance was meaningless. The floating hands force-fed me. The cake tasted sweet and delicious.

Despite everything, I swallowed it. Immediately, my body began to shrink. The hands let go. But everything around me became massive. I had been reduced to the size of a smartphone.

『Forced Miniature Cake Consumption Punishment』

Which meant the next punishment was coming. From my tiny perspective, the card soldiers looked like towering giants.

“He stole the Queen’s tart!”

“Stomp him flat!” 

“Crush him like a bug!” 

“Advance!” 

“Advance!”

This was bad. This was the worst-case scenario. Losing my weapons alone would’ve been manageable. I could throw the weak card soldiers with judo techniques and make a run for it. Even shrinking alone wouldn’t be fatal. I’d fought giant apes before. These soldiers weren’t bigger than that.

But both at once? No way out. No way to win.

I looked up at the sky. Searched for a solution. But for once, I came up empty.

“…Sorry, everyone. Sorry, Luna.”

I tightened my lips and muttered:

“I got taken down. I can’t beat the Queen of Hearts on my own.”

The card soldiers advanced. Countless feet ready to stomp me. I had no escape. I braced myself… And then saw a flash of a sword in the air.

【Thousand Blades】【Blade Dance】【Sweeping Shot】

Three figures instantly wiped out the card soldiers advancing on me. They collapsed one after another. I scrambled to avoid being crushed in the fall. After a frantic few seconds of dodging, I finally collapsed, gasping in a one-meter-square space.

A voice called from far above.

“I don’t think I was wrong.”

I looked up, startled. Still cautious, though the situation was clearly changing.

“But after you saved me, I reconsidered. If the world truly turned against my family… Could I accept that?”

The man crouched toward me. His eyes, once venomous, now seemed strangely calm.

“…I couldn’t. When I was told that my family had been killed, I panicked. I realized I hadn’t understood anything.”

He continued.

“I still don’t think I was wrong. But I don’t think you are, either.”

“…So what are you trying to say?”

“Our interests simply clashed.”

He extended his hand toward me. Telling me to get on.

“The situation has changed. The Offspring will likely be downgraded from an ‘SSS-Class Potential Threat’ to an ‘SS-Class Demon.’ Still dangerous, but now the risk of fighting you outweighs that.”

“So what does that mean?”

“Monobe.”

Koufukuji knelt and held out his hand.

“You can’t beat the Mad God alone and neither can we. But together, the outcome might be different.”

I looked up at him. Koufukuji met my gaze with sincere, fiery eyes.

“I’m asking you, too. Join us, Monobe. Our goal is the same: to kill the Mad God. The Queen of Hearts.”

Gone was his earlier arrogance. He was being genuine now.

“At this rate, the effects will spread beyond the quarantine zone and at this scale, the Queen of Hearts could take half of Japan.”

Desperation crept into his voice.

“I know it’s selfish of me to ask. It’s truly shameless of me, someone who was ordered to kill you, to ask you to fight alongside me. Yes. It’s shameless of me, but still…”

Grinding his teeth, Koufukuji forced the words out:

“Please. Help us stop her—together.”

I studied him. If Koufukuji still wanted me dead, he already had the perfect chance in his hand. Ashura and the others could’ve let me die and claimed their revenge. But when I was at my lowest, they protected me.

They say you see someone’s true nature when they’re cornered. That’s a lie. True nature comes out when you’re on top—because you have nothing to lose.

And Koufukuji, in a position of absolute advantage, was pleading with me. Not commanding me to obey, just asking.

After thinking it over, I sighed and replied.

“You’ll make sure Luna gets decent treatment, right?”

“No guarantees. But with your contribution, we can probably secure her a comfortable life within the quarantine zone. You’ll want someone who can negotiate, though.”

“Guess I’ll lean on Angel for that.”

I stepped onto Koufukuji’s hand. He gently closed his fingers around me and tucked me into his breast pocket.

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