Vol 1 CHAPTER 5: First, I Talk to My Girlfriend ②【Volume 1: Preparation Arc】

“Kotofuki…” I begin, measuring my words carefully.

I recite the lines I’d rehearsed beforehand.

I approach her as though I were an actor on stage, playing a part.
I cannot allow her to glimpse my true intentions.

“You were my first girlfriend,” I say.

“…”

No response.

She simply watches, her posture receptive, listening intently to every word.

“So I promised myself I’d treasure you no matter what. Or at least… I thought I was trying to. Probably not, though. I was spinning my wheels the whole time. All I could think about was How do I make her understand my feelings? or What do I do to make her happy? Just… selfish things like that.”

I pause for a moment, letting the words settle between us.

Then I take a shallow breath and say it.

“These past three months. I’ve only been thinking about myself. I haven’t been seeing you at all.”

She looks at me with something like suspicion—confused, trying to grasp where I’m going with this.

So I continue, as if explaining.

“The truth is, I was too busy trying to control my own emotions to ever really consider what you wanted. I didn’t have it in me to think I want to make her happy. I was falling short all along. I must have been such a boring boyfriend. I’m truly sorry. As your boyfriend, I should never have made you feel uncertain.”

“That’s not—” she starts, her voice trailing off.

She doesn’t say it isn’t true.

Listening to her stutter, I realize: if I’d been enough for her, she never would have strayed. These three days of this verbal dance have made that certainty absolute.

After a long pause, Kotofuki seems to reach some kind of decision. She opens her mouth.

“But that’s not something you should apologize for. I’m the one who acted unfaithfully, so… so maybe you should hate me—”

“I couldn’t,” I cut in, speaking over her words.

She catches her breath, her eyes widening as they meet mine.

“I tried to hate you. I really did. But I just… couldn’t.”

Kotofuki looks like she’s heard something impossible.

Seizing the moment, I offer her my brightest smile.

“You’re a terrible woman, honestly. You won’t even let me hate you properly. These three days—I’ve been wrestling with it the whole time. But no matter what, that one thing never changed. My real feeling.”

“But… but I—”

She shows signs of wavering now.

My words must have been completely unexpected.

In her confusion, she struggles to find something to say.

But I move first, cutting off any answer she might give.

“I’ve decided to forgive you.”

“Huh—”

She goes still.

“I finally realized that’s all I’m capable of now. I know it’s too little, too late. But because I love you so much… because of that, I want to do whatever I can for your happiness.”

And then I deliver the final line.

“—That’s why I’m stepping back gracefully.”

She doesn’t respond.

For a while, we both stay silent. The quiet stretches on.

I’m not sure how long it’s been when she finally speaks.

“You’re… forgiving me…?”

“Yeah.”

“But… I mean… I cheated on you?”

“That hurts, sure. But if it means seeing you smile, that’s enough for me.”

With that answer, a single tear rolls down her cheek.

I can’t tell if it’s a tear of joy or relief.

But as I see it—

—You idiot! You fell for it!!

I smile inwardly with genuine satisfaction.
Kotofuki’s got her head in the clouds. Perfect.

Vol 1 CHAPTER 6: First, I Talk to My Girlfriend ③【Volume 1: Preparation Arc】

While Kotofuki was still recovering from her tears, I figured I might as well explain why I forgave her infidelity and announced I’d “step back gracefully.”

First, there’s a fact I have to accept: Kotofuki no longer has feelings for me.

When she broke up with me four days ago, I sensed it. But today, I’ve confirmed it beyond doubt. As a romantic interest, she sees me as nothing. It’s a humiliation that makes me want to stamp my feet like a child, but there’s no moving forward if I don’t accept it.

Still, we were something like a couple, even if things went sideways.

I want to believe there’s some affection still lingering between us.

And sure enough, she seems genuinely troubled by her infidelity. She’s aware that her selfishness caused me irreversible harm.

What she feels toward me is a debt.

There’s no way I’m wasting that opportunity. What I want is for her to remain aware of that debt—constantly conscious of it, every day.

But to make that happen, I need to give her forgiveness. Leaving her to stew without any support would be incredibly risky.

Here’s why: human memory is fragile. Left alone, it reshapes itself to suit our needs.

Yes, she feels indebted to me now. But if that burden becomes too heavy, she might be tempted to ease it by rewriting history. One day, she might decide: Kudo Arata was a terrible man—of course I broke up with him. And That’s why I cheated—it was justified.

That’s what they call false memory. Confabulation. The psychology of it doesn’t matter much to me.

Human memory is vague and unreliable. Over time, people construct memories that suit them. If I’m not careful, she might even concoct some scenario where I was the one who cheated. She might invent crimes I never committed.

And considering that I’ve already become someone she has zero romantic interest in—adding the label That man I was right to break up with would be disastrous. I need to prevent that at all costs.

That’s why I played the role of an understanding, accommodating man.

By doing so, instead of being branded a man I had to leave, I become the kind person I hurt with my own selfishness. That’s the critical move—the first countermeasure I needed to take.

──

──

“I’m sorry, Kudo… and thank you.”

A while later, after Kotofuki’s tears have dried, those are the words she offers me. I receive them with a complicated tangle of emotions churning beneath the surface, but I swallow it all and tell her, “It’s okay.”

It is NOT okay!
I’m the one who should be crying!

I want to scream this with every fiber of my being. But I don’t.