Chapter 77: Negotiator Kaede

Kaede, wearing a gentle smile, faced off against Ryu-san, who sported a defiant grin. It was just an ordinary scene, yet I felt unable to step in. It was as if their auras were clashing, warping the very space between them. The moment I considered intervening, I feared my body would be wrung out like a wet rag.

“Why haven’t you managed to seduce him yet, even though you’re childhood friends? Your lack of initiative is unbelievable.”

That’s true. At this point, it’s not so much initiative as it is sheer impulsiveness.

“I was too shocked by being abandoned by Kogoro to move. Back then, my sphincter was completely dead—there wasn’t even a scrap of residual stool.”

So your sphincter failed to perform? The health damage from the shock is on another level. Besides, I didn’t abandon you—you misunderstood and drifted away on your own.

Even if you were in a constant state of leakage, waste would still accumulate somehow, but let’s set that aside for now.

“He dumped you, so give up already. You’re hopeless.”

“Ryu-chan, with your utterly disastrous fashion sense, pursuing romance is just foolhardy.”

Kaede! That’s off-limits! Don’t talk about fashion! Everyone has their own style—it’s just that yours is a bit too strong!

“Disastrous? It’s simply that a potato-smelling kid wouldn’t understand it.”

Oh, so Ryu-san fancied herself as a city girl. True, in the countryside you’d definitely get bullied, and her outfit would only be acceptable in the indifferent urban scene.

“Ryu-chan, don’t you read a proper fashion magazine? That kind of style only appears in magazines for junkies.”

You’re narrowing your target too much. Don’t make a group unfit for society your customer base.

“What’s the point of mindlessly copying trendy clothes? Ever heard the saying ‘fine feathers make fine birds’? When ordinary people wear what models do, it just turns into cosplay.”

That’s a valid point, but coming from you, it loses its sting…

“I get what you’re saying, but Ryu-chan, you’d be better off copying trends. If someone with no taste tries to express themselves and ends up self-destructing, it’s better to be bland.”

Wow—yandere clashing with yandere, exchanging sharp truths. You can dish out logic flawlessly, yet when you criticize me, logic is nowhere to be found.

“You got dumped because you dress in nothing but templates, right? You can’t set yourself apart from other women.”

No, I didn’t dump you. You’ve got it all wrong from the start.

For now, it looks like this will end in a verbal spat, and I can breathe a sigh of relief. It’s not as if we’re in a Three Kingdoms saga—nobody’s about to die of rage anytime soon.

“It’s because you’re a boy… a creature that plays with fire…”

“And you’re okay with that? You got dumped, you know?”

Still, I can’t relax. It seems I’m going to end up being the bad guy. I only came to school a bit early on a whim—why must I be treated like some flighty bastard?

“Next, you should dump Saka-chan. You don’t want to get hurt anymore, do you?”

That sounds like a devilish whisper, but honestly, I’d be grateful if you did. Please, fall in love with another guy. And that goes for you too, Ryu-san.

“Dump him? I wouldn’t do that… nor let it happen…”

Exactly. Whether there’s a curse or not, that’s just your stance.

“Anyway, it’s about time—could you head home now? Sorry.”

“Time? Even elementary school kids don’t have curfews this early.”

“No, it’s time for the shoot.”

“Kya!?”

Kaede, please don’t open the album. Don’t show someone’s private parts without permission. I, too, have basic human rights—or rather, chin rights!

“If you’re nearly knocked out by these normal photos, there’s no way you can handle the photoshoot.”

Normal? A photo of someone naked and posing belly-up is normal? They were going on about, “Don’t worry! We’ll strike the same pose—it’s only fair!” But I just can’t be convinced… Though, since I did get off on Momiji’s photos, I might not have the moral high ground here.

“Man, you’re insanely crazy. If you weren’t a love rival, I’d probably have fallen for you, Hiiragi.”

Your standards for liking someone are completely off. You should never fall for someone who organizes a strip show at their childhood friend’s house.

“We really click, huh? Well, since Ryu-chan is a confirmed loser heroine, I already like you.”

……Aren’t yandere strangely friendly simply because they’re not at each other’s throats? And maybe the reason they get along with that non-yandere “white” is that, with her childlike build, she isn’t counted as an enemy.

“Don’t you dare underestimate me! I’m a gambler, you know? I’m ready to strip at a moment’s notice!”

Gambler, huh…? Sure, arcades even have stripping mahjong, but that’s just the kind of creature I am…

“Then hurry up and strip already.”

Kaede, without a word, takes the initiative to start undressing. This one… is used to brawls…!

Please, don’t egg on Ryu-san; she might end up stripping on impulse. She’s an innocent maiden—so pure. Don’t drag her down the path of a lunatic…

“Is that really okay…?”

In a voice so small it seems squeezed out, Ryu-san demands something. I couldn’t hear her clearly—was she checking on something?

“Eh? What did you say? Your voice is too quiet!”

“I’m asking if it’s alright for me to strip!”

…? Well, it’s not really alright, though…

“If you want to strip, then do it. I’ll prepare the album for you.”

What’s with this over-the-top support? I can’t stand that the storage is in my room. …Well, I’ll sneak a peek, anyway.

“If I strip, Saka-chan’s going to lose it!”

I see—you plan to bluff and leave things vague. From Kaede’s point of view, there’s no need to add another rival; normally, she’d back down from this bluff. Normally.

“Hmph. Hurry up and strip.”

Look, you’re completely ranked low now. Personally, if I ignored the clothes, Ryu-san would be far more attractive, but in Kaede’s eyes, she’s the absolute bottom of the barrel.

“Are you really sure? I came in my battle underwear in case Saka-chan couldn’t hold back!”

Don’t make such rude assumptions—treating someone like a sex beast isn’t cool. …But I admit, battle underwear is a bit intriguing. Though, wait a minute—she’s the one with that trashy fashion sense, so it wouldn’t be surprising if she were wearing gaudy, tacky panties…

“Yeah, hurry up and strip.”

She continues undressing steadily, completely ignoring the bluff. It’s funny—using “steadily” while she’s taking off her clothes.

Just give up, Ryu-san. Even if you act invincible like a kokushi musou, you’re the type who slices yaochu tiles with full force. The opponent is just too tough.

“Are you really okay with showing those potato‐smelling panties to Saka-chan? Once compared to me, you’ll be completely invisible—that’s the difference in sex appeal!”

The more you say it, the more your bluff reeks. It’s true what they say: small fry bark the loudest. Ryu-san seems relieved at not having to strip, yet somewhere inside, I feel disappointed. Men really are hopeless creatures.

“Hurry up and strip already. I win anyway.”

Kaede, just so you know, that gesture of tugging your panties and snapping them isn’t cool at all. It’s like an old man in a bathhouse swinging a towel between his legs. Well, I haven’t actually seen it, so maybe it’s just some mythical creature.

“What do you mean by ‘I win’? How many centimeters is that cleavage?”

“Ah…”

Ryu-san slips a finger in, eliciting a moan from me. Even if she’s not fully engaged, not even her index finger fits completely… No, Kaede is just an ordinary person after all—is that normal? It’s only the gravure idols that are weird; it’s not really Kaede’s fault…

“Hey, Hiiragi. We live in an era where you can see lewd images for free, you know? What guy would fall for someone with such a flat chest?”

“…I will.”

Ah…

“What did you say?”

“I’m gonna kill you…”

Oh no, this is really about to turn into a knife fight… a war…

“Ryu-san! Please, apologize right now! It seems you have more physical insecurities than we thought!”

“What can you possibly do, Hiiragi, with no height or muscles? If you could win a fight with just that slack body fat… ngh!?”

Uh-oh, she’s grabbing you by the chest with full force. No, wait—that’s not it! She’s clutching the collar of your leather jacket and choking you! This is seriously life-threatening!

“Kaede! Stop it!”

Struggling to suppress my fear, I hold Kaede in a tight grip… Guh!? What monstrous strength…!

“Kogoro? It’s fine to get in the way, but if you don’t do something, Ryu-chan’s going to die!”

“Ah… ah…”

Shit, her face is on the verge of suffocation. I just saw someone gasping for oxygen, so I know exactly what that looks like.

“Please! Let go of me! I don’t think you mean any harm!”

“…I don’t really intend to kill you.”

Perhaps my plea reached her, because Ryu-san’s complexion gradually improves.

But I still can’t relax. I’m completely at her mercy.

“My power increases or decreases depending on Kogoro’s actions.”

Eh, what kind of system is this? I’m indirectly holding your life in my hands, and the method is so underhanded—isn’t it? I’m just a hostage.

“I’m glad Kogoro hugged me from behind, but you’re still wearing clothes, so your body heat is…”

No, it’s not like I hugged you… Ah! Ryu-san’s complexion—she’s not giving me any time to think!

“Wait! I’ll strip!”

“Yeah, hurry up. Once the blood stops flowing to your brain, you’ll pass out.”

Please, wait! It seems that unless I finish undressing, this human-powered contraption won’t stop. Damn it—why do I have to act like some fast-undressing performer?

“Look! I’m stripped! Now hurry up and… Ryu-san…”

“Take off your panties too. That’s where you feel the most body heat.”

“I’m stripping! I’m stripping!”

Kaede and the others have already given up, but I didn’t want to strip in front of Ryu-san. But I can’t afford to refuse—this is a matter of life or death.

“Ah, nice… It never gets old, no matter how many times I see it…”

With a lecherous old-man grin, she gradually relaxes her grip. She’s risking her life just to see my privates… Privates are meant to generate life, not to protect it. They’re not a tool for threats or negotiation—though they are a tool for sexual intercourse.

“You must be satisfied already! Let go of me, now!”

“…Even with my childhood friend in her underwear right in front of you, why is it still so small? And you’re being watched, too! It’s a double whammy!”

Once again, Ryu-san’s collar is being choked.

Wait—does Ryu-san need to get an erection or she’ll die? Is my bodily function a matter of life and death? What kind of situation is this?

…I had no idea. I never knew Kaede was such an adept negotiator.

In the end, I ended up having to abandon my dignity for the sake of the hostage.

…I never imagined that at my age, I’d end up experiencing the pleasure of a butt-job…