Chapter 55: The Responsibility of Imagination

It was an unprecedented incident, but thanks to the power of the Seika family, it was as if nothing had ever happened. With their influence even extending to the police, it’s no wonder they can easily sway the teachers. Seriously, who are they?

“Well then, Sakamoto Kogorou-kun. Don’t you have something to say to me? To the one who was left out of such a fun event? The only one excluded from the Hairless Alliance? Don’t you think you owe me an explanation?”

She’s seriously pressing me about being left out, this pint-sized power player. And what the hell is the Hairless Alliance?

“C’mon, Shiro-chan. In a way, you were lucky, weren’t you? At least those filthy peeping toms didn’t get to see your butt.”

Ever since she got cursed, Kaede’s mouth has gotten nastier. And peeping toms? Really? Why is she acting like the victim here? It’s not like the teachers wanted to see anything. Though, if we’re being honest, they probably would rather see than not.

“First of all, I just can’t understand the nerve of someone who excludes me but then asks for my help.”

Fair point. For the record, it was the class president’s idea.

“Don’t be so uptight. I let last week’s incident slide, so let’s call it even.”

“Hmph… Not that I have anything to feel guilty about.”

As Momiji casually slung her arm around Shiro’s shoulder, Shiro didn’t look all that upset. She must be happy to be getting along, even with these kinds of people, considering she doesn’t have many friends.

That said, there was something shady going on. Then again, we don’t owe anyone an explanation, so in that sense, maybe she’s not guilty of anything.

“Still, to think even the school nurse got involved—it’s a real mess.”

Shiro is relatively reasonable, which is a relief. Though, compared to these lunatics, almost anyone would seem reasonable.

“A mess? More like a pervert fest…”

What’s going to happen to her now? Thanks to Shiro, she avoided getting fired, but there’s no way she can show her face at school anymore. I’m worried about her relationship with her boyfriend too.

“But you were into it, weren’t you? You perv.”

Never mind. She’s not reasonable either. What’s wrong with these people?

“Hey, you don’t understand. Having to deal with armpit hair is traumatizing…”

Why wouldn’t she take care of it before coming to work? Well, she’s not wearing anything revealing, so maybe she figured it didn’t matter. But still… that wasn’t just a little stubble. That was months of neglect.

“Just to be clear,” Kaede said, “you’ll be shaving ours from now on too, right?”

She’s using “just to be clear” all wrong. Why is shaving their hair just assumed? Give me a break—it’s bad enough dealing with the lower half.

Anyway, putting that aside…

“Apparently, she even made a move on the school nurse.”

“Hey, I can hear you, you know. You’re talking to the Head of the Hair Removal Squad.”

Why is this the talk of the school? That scene—the hellish one—was only witnessed by the teachers. How is this gossip spreading so fast?

“Hey, you guys, where did you hear that?”

Mustering my courage, I decided to confront some students I didn’t recognize. I need to figure out where these rumors are coming from if I want to stop them.

“The captain of the Hair Hunting Brigade is talking to us!”

“We’re gonna get shaved! Run for it!”

“W-Wait!”

I tried to stop them, but they didn’t pause for even a fraction of a second. Their words sounded like a joke, but their expressions and tone were deadly serious. It was the face of someone confronted by a genuine threat.

What the hell is the Hair Hunting Brigade? Even if that’s what it is, I’m not the captain. I’m just a victim, drafted against my will to fight in this stupid battle.

“Kogorou, it seems like the guys don’t really like you, huh?”

“That’s your fault!”

Oh crap. I accidentally lashed out at Kaede, who had given me that pitying look, letting all my pent-up frustration spill out.

“Our fault? Did I hear that right? Are you saying that we’re the reason you’ve been reduced to a lonely outcast who eats lunch in the bathroom? That we’re to blame for the fact that all the weak, jealous guys hate you because you’ve been sampling every beautiful girl on campus like it’s some kind of buffet? The nerve of you, blaming us after all the victims you’ve left in your wake! Honestly, you should stop pushing your problems onto other people.

When I was in middle school, the shock of being dumped by you left me so emotionally wrecked that all my sphincters became uncontrollably loose! There were times I’d sneeze, and—bam!—I’d involuntarily soil myself! During allergy season, I was practically leaking out of every orifice! But did I ever blame you for that? No!

I’m not saying you should be like me, but come on, you’re an adult now. Take some responsibility. What are you going to do when you accidentally have a baby? Are you going to whine and say it’s not your fault, that you shouldn’t have to take responsibility? Force someone to have an abortion, huh?

Oh no! Stop it! Don’t take my baby away! Don’t treat the miracle of our love as some sort of bad debt! Every child born into this world has the right to happiness! Even if I have to rob a bank or smuggle drugs to raise it, I’ll do it! I’ll give birth! I’ll definitely give birth, even if I have to fight you for it!”

I can’t keep up. The leaps in her logic are too much, and I’m still stuck on the whole “sneezing and leaking” thing. Please, just shut up. People are going to think I actually got her pregnant.

“L-look, that’s not what this is about. I was just saying that the other students are avoiding me—”

“And? What’s the big deal? Those pathetic losers who can only feel alive by labeling others are the ones misunderstanding you. If they want to distance themselves, let them. Who needs bigots like that? Also, how is any of this my fault? Speak in words I can understand.

Anyway, let’s get back to the real issue—babies. Yesterday, didn’t we rub our freshly-shaven you-know-whats together, giving in to our carnal desires? At that moment, every neurotransmitter in my body lit up, and I ended up having a phantom pregnancy. Do you know what comes after a phantom pregnancy? That’s right, a phantom birth.

But you, Kogorou, want a phantom abortion, don’t you? Let me tell you something—abortions aren’t that simple. A phantom abortion can lead to phantom PTSD or even phantom migraines. Don’t talk about it like it’s nothing!

Guys have it easy, don’t they? No risks when conceiving, birthing, or even aborting a child. Must be nice! You get to just waltz off to another woman while your suffering wife is left behind! You do the deed but won’t deal with the consequences? That’s not how it works!

Smoking near a pregnant woman, making her do chores, acting like a selfish jerk—that’s not what love is about! Love is sharing the joy and the pain! How can you do the deed but not fulfill your duties? And then guys like that have the audacity to complain about how men can’t get custody of kids in this country! If your wife doesn’t want you anymore, how are you supposed to raise a child? Stop underestimating parenthood!

If you like licking things so much, then why don’t you lick my—”

“STOP! STOP!”

“Shut up! Take responsibility for your phantom child!”

I forcefully cover Kaede’s mouth to stop her tirade. This. This right here is why people avoid me.

What even is a phantom birth? Isn’t that just playing pretend?

Also, for the record, I don’t smoke, I haven’t done the deed, and—

“Kogorou-chan, try to understand her.”

While mentally chanting prayers to drown out the chaos, the class president chimed in with her usual calm demeanor.

“Understand what?”

“Pregnant women go through a lot of anxiety.”

That might be true, but Kaede isn’t pregnant. She literally called it a phantom pregnancy.

“When I was about to give birth to you, Kogorou-chan, I was so irritable. Of course, the birth itself was painful too. But the moment I heard your first cry, it was all worth it. The pain even became a fond memory.”

She’s reminiscing with tears in her eyes about a past that doesn’t exist. The scary part is, she’s completely serious. She genuinely believes she gave birth to me.

“Kogorou, covering her mouth isn’t the right way to go about this. Haven’t you heard the phrase ‘an eye for an eye, a kiss for a kiss’?”

Nope. Never heard of that legal code. And that’s not even how “an eye for an eye” works.

Wait, I feel like I’m forgetting something important. Why does it feel like it’s on the tip of my tongue?