Chapter 51: Yandere Negotiation Technique

You know that pickup technique where a store clerk writes their phone number on the back of a receipt? I thought that went extinct in the Heisei era. Honestly, I always assumed it was just an urban legend.

Why am I talking about this? Well, it’s probably because of some kind of curse, but the clerk at the drugstore actually gave me her number. She was pretty cute, but I’m not looking to expand this absurd harem of mine any further.

“Looking forward to this… shaving session.”

Shaving isn’t exactly the kind of activity that gets your heart racing. No matter how I spin it, I can’t think, “Well, as long as Kaede’s happy, that’s all that matters.”

“Don’t get nervous now. Even I’m feeling a little jittery.”

“Then…”

“Not stopping, though. I’ll make you smooth as silk, so prepare yourself.”

That’s one hell of a threat. And honestly, it’s terrifying. As far as threats go, it’s shockingly effective.

“Kumanokyo, you handle the upper part. I’ll take care of the important bit.”

“Hah? Why should I let you take the main event?”

Stop fighting over the right to apply depilatory cream to me! Wait—“main event”? You’re talking about that?!

“Shiro, are you still trying to crush me…?”

“Listen, I’m not some petty woman.”

No, you definitely are. Oh wait, are we talking about metaphorical size here? Either way, it’s small—no doubt about it.

“So… have you forgiven me?”

“Not willingly, but I’ll let it go.”

Yeah, no kidding it’s unwilling. It must’ve been pretty gross, even if it was just an accident.

“That was your way of showing affection, wasn’t it? I mean, when you’re as beautiful as me, getting love confessions from guys is an everyday occurrence. No big deal.”

“Hold up! That was just an accident!”

Interpreting accidentally pressing my crotch against someone’s face as a “display of affection” is a hell of a leap. Shiro’s way of interpreting things is on another level. Then again, she’s a curse breaker, so she probably did grow up in some bizarre way.

“…If that borderline assault was an accident, then me crushing you would also be an accident.”

“An affectionate gesture, you mean!”

“Kogoro? What are you even saying? Hey? Hey, hey, hey?”

Kaede, calm down! Look, I didn’t have a choice, okay? Shiro’s grip strength is insane—she could actually crush me. I’ve got no choice but to go along with her! Just let me off the hook here—it’s just lip service, that’s all.

“Kogoro, why don’t you show your affection for me? Go on, rub it against me already.”

“Kaede! We’re still outside!”

We’re casually having this insane conversation, but yeah, we’re still on our way home. Not that it would be okay to do it indoors, either.

“I know we’re outside, but does that even matter? People propose at the beach at night or during fireworks festivals, right? Proposing outdoors is totally normal! Using the fact that we’re outdoors as an excuse is just nonsense! What, do you think I’m stupid? You think I’m some airheaded, dream-chasing idiot, don’t you?! You smug little brat! If you like licking so much, why don’t you lick my—”

“Kaede! I love you! I love you so much!”

“…”

Did—did she calm down? Oh, thank god… that was terrifying.

I’m starting to get used to the chanting that sounds like a cursed mantra, but when her tone shifts to full-blown delinquent rage, it’s still terrifying.

“…”

“Uh, Kaede?”

“Keep going.”

“Uh, what…?”

Is a hastily strung-together love confession not enough for her anymore? Back in the early days, this would’ve been enough to put her in a good mood.

“Uh… uh, Kaede.”

“Yep, Kaede, that’s me.”

“I… I like you.”

“……”

“Uh… I love you. Uh… could you say something?”

“Keep going?”

Seriously, this is terrifying. My legs are completely frozen in place.

“I really do like you, and…”

“Mhm.”

Even her casual replies are scary. That ‘Mhm’ just now? It probably meant, ‘Is that all? Don’t you have anything else? Is that the best you can do? You really think I’ll be satisfied with that?’ I hate to disappoint her, but there’s nothing more coming out of me right now.

“Uh…”

“Sigh.”

Her exasperated sigh made my body jolt. Every little gesture she makes is terrifying.

“Wow, you can’t even spit out some half-baked words of affection anymore, huh?”

“S-Sorry. I do like you, but it’s hard to put into words…”

“Really? You, Kogoro Sakamoto, the guy who’s sweet-talked his way out of countless tight spots, can’t even articulate love? Haha, that’s a pretty desperate excuse. Just admit the truth already—you don’t even think I’m worth whispering fake sweet nothings to, do you? I’m not even worth keeping around as a backup anymore, right? So now you’re just planning to throw me away? Even though we haven’t done much yet, you’re already bored of me, huh? I never thought I’d get dumped twice in my life. And to think, we were about to shave each other’s hairless genitals and get all lovey-dovey! But now, on the verge of this event, you’re kicking me out of the game? How could you? Why me? We agreed on a five-person arrangement—why’s it suddenly a four-person thing? Tell me! Why are you abandoning me?! What’s wrong with me? I’ll change! I’ll become the person you want me to be, Kogoro! Just don’t throw me away! Stop expecting me to just figure it out! If you’ve got something to say, say it clearly! I get it—you just want a woman who’ll silently fulfill all your desires, but at least treat girls with a bit more respect! To you, I’m just disposable jack—”

“Kaede! I could never get tired of you! I love you just the way you are—whatever version of you that may be! You don’t have to change!”

I desperately shouted my love for her while pulling her into a hug. The entire neighborhood probably heard me, but I don’t care. Better that than letting her say anything more outrageous in the middle of the street. Yelling out lines that sound like they’re from a third-rate romance drama is still preferable. At least the worst I’d get is someone saying, “Ah, young love,” and moving on.

“Really? You won’t abandon me anymore?”

“I won’t. Never.”

Not that I ever abandoned her in the first place, but I affirmed it strongly anyway.

In hindsight, maybe that wasn’t the smartest move. Affirming it kind of makes it sound like I did abandon her at some point.

“Do you truly love me?”

“I absolutely, genuinely do.”

“Will you rub depilatory cream on my sensitive areas?”

“…Yeah. I’ll make sure not a single hair is left behind.”

That response came out instinctively, but it sounded oddly menacing. Like something out of a post-apocalyptic setting.

Am I really going to do this? I’m not ready. But I guess there’s no escape now… this is really happening.

“Will you rub our smooth, hairless parts together?”

“…”

“Nooo! I’m being abandoned! You just said you wouldn’t, and now you’re leaving me to fend for myself! Kogoro Sakamoto, you womanizing bastard, you’re just playing with me—”

“I’ll do it! I’ll rub them together so hard, sparks will fly!”

This negotiation technique is way too strong. I don’t think I’ll be able to refuse any demand from her ever again.

Even though shaving is one thing, this other part is supposed to be something I’d enjoy as a guy, right? But after that bathroom incident…

I’m normal, aren’t I? It’s perfectly reasonable to not see her as a woman after something like that, right? That kind of thing is definitely crossing a line… right?