Chapter 43: First Time in Life

Given the circumstances, it wouldn’t be surprising if my mind went blank. Yet, strangely, I’m calm. It feels like the sharp focus you get just before a car hits you—a primal explosion of survival instinct.

Alright, listen, me. Running away recklessly isn’t an option. There’s no way I can escape while White is clinging to me.

That’s right—White. This situation must be just as bad for her. Technically, she’s supposed to be on my side.

I wish I had time to consult with her, but there’s no point in wishing for the impossible. We’ll have to read each other’s thoughts and figure out a way out of this mess together.

…Can I even do that? Have I ever successfully communicated with her before? Depending on someone I can’t communicate with to escape another person I can’t communicate with—this is beyond impossible.

“Could you get off me for now? And maybe throw in a Hollywood dive into the street while you’re at it. That’d really help.”

Not exactly a casual request. But if White gets off, at least I’ll have a chance to run.

“Nope.”

White? Why are you so defiant? What’s going on in your head?

“Is it really that unreasonable? If diving into the street is too much, then how about slashing your carotid artery on that tree? While you’re at it, make sure to cut your brachial and femoral arteries too.”

What the hell? She’s targeting fatal spots with pinpoint accuracy. You know, that qualifies as incitement to suicide. Maybe stop?

“Look, as you can see, Sakamoto and I are out shopping. Can you go somewhere else?”

Don’t provoke them! Stop provoking their hostility! Also, you say “as you can see,” but it’s not obvious. To anyone watching, it just looks like we’re flirting.

Does she even realize that both of us are on the verge of disaster here?

“White, get off me.”

She won’t listen, but at least it’s a clear statement of my intent. I want to make it obvious to Kaede and the others that I’m holding her against my will and would drop her at the first chance.

“Huh? I’m hugging you for your sake, okay? There’s no way I’m letting a pervert with a raging hard-on loose in a crowded place. Unless, of course, you’re fine getting arrested for assaulting some random woman.”

…She’s the enemy. Who said she was an ally? I’ve learned something today: just because someone opposes your enemy doesn’t make them your friend.

“What’s going on, Kogoro? Why are you, um… excited? Could it be because you’re hugging her…?”
“N-no! It’s because she kept groping me! It’s not my fault—any guy would react if touched like that!”
“…You let her touch you? Someone other than me?”

Crap. I just dug my own grave.

“Calm down! She forced herself on me!”
“So what if she did? Normally, the second she touches you, you’d deck her in the face, right? I mean, she’s messing with something that’s exclusively mine, so naturally, you’d break her nose in retaliation. And another thing—why would you even get aroused from her touching you? From your perspective, every woman other than me should look like filth. So why does filth turn you on? Don’t tell me you’re into that. Wow, Kogoro, I’m learning so much about you. Fine, I’ll forgive you for lusting after… whatever garbage this is. But I’m going to overwrite it.

I haven’t eaten or slept since yesterday evening, searching for you non-stop, so I’m ready anytime. Now, throw away that trash and lie on your back, like a baby bird waiting for food…”

“Kaede! There’s a public restroom right there—go use it!”

There’s so much I want to yell at her, but now isn’t the time. If this continues, I’ll end up with the most bizarre trauma imaginable. I’ll start having flashbacks every time I see a curry shop sign. I have to drag her to the bathroom, even if it means punching her stubborn nose.

“Use it? Did you just say, ‘use it’? You mean, ‘Let’s go together,’ right? That’s what you meant, right? Words are like knives, you know. Misuse them, and it can lead to disaster. You’re always like this, Kogoro… I…ugh…”

Oh no. She’s about to lose it. Her muscles are on the verge of giving out.

“I’m sorry, White!”
“Eek!”

I shook White off me, making sure not to hurt her. With her attention focused on Kaede, I managed to get her off.

“Kaede! Can you walk?”

Honestly, I don’t want to get any closer to her right now for so many reasons, but I offered her my shoulder anyway. If she has an accident here, it’ll end up on social media, and her life will be over. Though…it kind of feels like it’s already too late.

“Wait, Sakamoto.”

“What is it, Kumanokyo?”

Why is she blocking my way? Move, already. Just because she’s already had an accident doesn’t mean she should drag me down with her.

“What are you planning to do, taking Hiiragi to the restroom?”

“Take her to the restroom!”

For its intended purpose!

“Why does she need to go to the restroom? Why does it have to be a private stall?”

Why do you even need to ask? Isn’t it obvious? Do you expect her to just wet herself here in the middle of a busy station on a weekend? Her life would be over.

“If a girl her age had an accident here, it would be catastrophic! Actually, it would be bad for anyone, regardless of age or gender!”

“And what’s the big deal? Pee or poop, it’s all the same.”

No, it’s not! It’s like the difference between heaven and earth—wait, what?

“We’ve been searching for you all over this town for more than half a day. Did you really think our bladders could hold out that long?”

“…Don’t tell me… all three of you…?”

“We did manage to rinse off with some water.”

I thought your clothes seemed damp! This is insane. It’s scary enough that they were searching for me all night, but couldn’t they at least take bathroom breaks? Why are they walking around after having accidents?

…Now that I think about it, there is a faint smell lingering. They only did a haphazard rinse, so the odor remains.

“Kogoro… I can’t take another step…”

“Ugh… Kumanokyo! Move! Better yet, you take her!”

Please, I’m begging you. Try to understand.

“…I’m at my limit too, you know.”

Idiots! You’re all complete idiots!

“Sakamoto, actually, I’ve been holding it in since this morning…”

I don’t care! Just go already! Why is it that out of five people here, four are struggling with bathroom emergencies?!

“Kogoro-chan, I can barely walk, but I’ll manage.”

“…Alright, then lend your shoulder to Kaede and—”

“No! I want Kogoro!”

“Sakamoto, carry me!”

Enough! Stop bickering! My mental state is about as strained as your bladders! Do you not realize we’re one wrong word away from someone calling the police?!

“Kogoro-chan, there are economy-sized diapers right here.”

Why do you have those? Why are you carrying an economy pack? What’s “economy-sized” even supposed to mean here?!

“I’ll put one on you, Kogoro-chan, so you can help everyone else with theirs.”

What kind of bizarre roleplay are you proposing? Pair up and help each other if that’s what you want!

I don’t need diapers, and neither do you! The restroom is right over there! Have you all lost your minds from sleep deprivation?

“I see… So we use the diapers and let Sakamoto change us… Makes sense.”

No, it doesn’t! Explain how that’s logical—no, never mind. Just get to the restroom already!

“Sakamoto, we can barely move. Even if you carry us, someone might not make it.”

“…Hiiragi and White can walk. And you—”

“Plus, there’s no guarantee there will be four open stalls.”

Okay, fine, but stop debating! Use the time to figure out who’s in the most urgent need and go in order!

“We can’t risk it. You might run off while we’re in the restroom.”

Oh. Right. I could run. But the consequences would be… horrific. Still, in an emergency, it’s an option…

“Given all that, don’t you think changing diapers here is the best solution?”

“I do not! There’s a police box right over there!”

If I do that, my life will be over. I’ll be a meme, trending on social media. Heck, I might even make the news. Families across the country will sit in stunned silence at dinner.

“K-Kogoro raised his voice, and now I…!”

“W-Wait! Hurry to the restroom—!”

“I can’t… I’m done…”

See?! I told you to hurry! Your face is so pale—you look like a squid! What do I do? Should I actually… use the diapers? No, that’s just as bad as having an accident.

“I’ll carry you! Piggyback ride!”

“…No, bridal style.”

“Fine! I’ll carry you bridal style! Just hold on a little longer!”

I carefully lift her in a bridal carry, trying to avoid putting any extra pressure on her. Is this really the right position? Can someone actually hold it in like this? I wouldn’t know—I’ve never carried anyone like this before. If it’s pee, maybe she can manage, but if it’s the other thing, I swear I’m dropping her.

“Wait! Use your fingers! Plug it with your fingers!”

What?! What are you even saying?!

“It’s fine! Just think of it like a tampon!”

“A tampon?!”

What does that even mean?! I’ve heard of tampons, but I don’t actually know how they work! How are they different from pads? And why would that reassure me?! No matter what a tampon is, it doesn’t change the fact that you want me to stick my fingers… there.

“Hurry! Use your fingers to block it!”

Stop saying things like “use your fingers”! Anyone overhearing this is going to get the wrong idea! They’re not going to think you mean fingers, and they’re definitely going to think it’s the wrong hole!

Kaede’s face is ghostly pale now. There’s no time. Damn it all!

“Here goes nothing!”

“Ah… mmph…”

…I want to die. As soon as this ordeal is over, I’m washing my hands. I’ll use all the soap until the dispenser runs dry.

I can’t believe this day has come—sticking my finger into the rear of my childhood friend. The curse of the Kurokawa family is terrifying indeed.