Chapter 10: Subduing the Terrorists

“Hey, you’re definitely doing this on purpose, right?”

The girl sitting next to me—yeah, Kumanokyo—always says she forgot her textbook and pushes her desk against mine.

I mean, forgetting once in a while happens. Honestly, it’s impressive she doesn’t just leave her books at school like most people.

But doing this every single class? That’s suspicious.

What’s even in her bag? When she lifts it, doesn’t she notice? Like, “Huh? Isn’t this kind of light?”

Is her brain light too?

“Hey, Sakamoto.”

Even though we’re in the middle of class, she whispers to me.

If I ignore her, it’ll escalate into some endless nonsense, so I have no choice but to respond.

“What is it?”

“Did you know boobs are heavy?”

What the hell kind of topic is that?

The only heavy thing here is your affection. Your brain, meanwhile, is weightless.

“So what?”

“Try lifting them and see for yourself.”

Kumanokyo grabs my hand and shoves it under her shirt.

Hey, hey, hey, we’re in class right now!

Look, I get it. Sure, it’s every guy’s dream. Lifting up a pair of boobs and being surprised at their weight—that’s the kind of thing boys fantasize about.

It’s up there with those classic daydreams of taking down terrorists who attack the school. But this isn’t the time or place!

“Hey, just because we’re in the back row doesn’t mean—”

“Shh… you’ll get us caught.”

“Then stop it…”

“If I don’t do it during class, someone else will interrupt us, right?”

She might have a point, but what’s the purpose of this activity?

Let me argue against it.

Wait, no. If I argue, she’ll probably start chanting something incomprehensible, and I’ll lose that battle for sure.

“There’s a thrill to it, you know? The tension of not getting caught. The guilty excitement.”

Kumanokyo grins mischievously. She’s cute—too damn cute—but still!

This isn’t what I wanted!

I mean, yeah, I’d like to touch boobs, but I didn’t sign up for the sinful excitement part!

It’s not like this is some scandalous housewife affair.

“Isn’t over the clothes good enough?”

“You can’t tell how heavy they are that way. Lift them properly, from the base.”

…The longer this drags on, the worse it gets. At this point, I’m just some pervert with his hand shoved into someone’s shirt in the middle of class.

Screw it—let’s just get this over with.

“Kogoro, Kumanokyo-san, what exactly are you two doing?”

No, no, no! This isn’t the moment for a “Let’s just get this over with!” Pull back, class rep!

Damn it, Kurokawa Miyabi, you’re the type who wears glasses, aren’t you? Shouldn’t you be sitting in the front row? Why are you next to us?!

“Stop this immediately, or I’ll report you. I’ll make sure you two get separated.”

That’s… actually kind of a relief.

But at the same time, if this incident becomes public knowledge, I’m screwed.

“Tch. A pervert who calls herself ‘Mama,’ huh?”

Whoa, did Kumanokyo just throw logic at the class rep? The gal actually has a point.

Phew… I’m saved.

…Her stomach was really soft, though. And warm…

Finally, it’s lunchtime.

Not that I’m looking forward to it! My personal hell of boxed lunches awaits me.

Oh, wait—Kaede doesn’t have a lunch today? Thank God. At least I’ll only have to deal with my own.

“Hey, hey, class rep. What kind of proper, upstanding committee leader interrupts her classmates’ heartwarming interactions, huh?”

“Your way of messing around is straight-up thuggish.”

Just give up already. It’s obvious you’re the one in the wrong here. But still, thanks. That was… exciting. This alone will keep me going for a whil—

“It’s my duty to prevent improper relationships between students.”

Yeah, well, you tried to nurse me, remember?

Honestly, making someone lift you up is still the healthier option. What you’re trying to do is the kind of play for men in their thirties, crushed by society and looking for escape.

“Hey, are you underestimating me?”

“The only one I let ‘underestimate’ me is my darling baby Kogoro-chan.”

That’s not the parent-child bond I know. You’re definitely just a Mama-baby-play weirdo.

“I’ll show you my strength. Get up, Sasaki.”

“Eh? W-what? What’s happening?”

Stop it already!

Don’t bully the quiet kid!

“I’ll take her out in one shot.”

“Kumanokyo? Don’t you dare.”

“Oi, put your hands behind your back and spread your legs. Don’t close them!”

“Seriously, stop this. It’s not okay!”

That’s not how you measure strength!

It doesn’t matter how strong you are—this is always going to be a one-shot move!

“Spread your legs already. What, you scared? You got balls or what?”

He’s scared because he’s got them! Leave him alone!

You’re going to make him stop coming to school. I’m begging you, stop. He’s a good, honest kid.

“I can take someone down in one shot too. Sasaki-kun, spread your legs.”

No, Kurokawa-san. You’re supposed to be the one stopping this!

The class rep shouldn’t be turning her classmates into combat test dummies!

“H-help me!”

Terrified to his limit, Sasaki abandons his half-eaten lunch and bolts out of the classroom.

I’m so sorry, man. Your meals are ruined every single time.

Kumanokyo watches him go, eyes full of disdain.

“Pathetic…”

That’s uncalled for!

“What a disappointment…”

No, class rep. His decision to flee was both smart and commendable.

Well, thanks to this chaos, the volatile atmosphere has at least eased up.

Thank you, Sasaki. Take this as a weird kind of reward and stay strong!

“Haa, this killed the mood. Class rep, I’ll let you off the hook, so go away already.”

Just as I expected, Kumanokyo has brought me a lunch.

Kaede doesn’t have one today, so I appreciate it. Still, I feel guilty first and foremost.

“You’re the one who should leave. I’ve prepared Kogoro-chan’s baby food.”

Wait, what? Baby food? Did you just say baby food?

“Uh, no, I think baby food is a little—”

“Ara ara, Kogoro-chan. Are you still on breast milk…?”

“Stop taking your shirt off!”

Hey, there are other guys around! Actually, even if we were alone, I’d still beg you to stop.

“Sorry, but I’d prefer solid food. I appreciate the thought, though, class rep.”

“Aw, how mature of you to express your preferences. That’s so clever of you, yes it is!”

Quit rubbing your cheek against me!

Everyone’s staring. They’ve been watching since this morning because you’ve been acting so un-class-rep-like.

“Stop it already. You don’t want to make a scene, do you?”

“Oh, I do want to make a scene. I won’t stop, no matter what.”

“Why?! Give me a logical reason for this, class rep!”

“…Because you won’t call me Mama.”

Her voice drops to a chilling tone, and she switches from cheek rubs to planting rapid-fire kisses on my face.

Her hand speed—or rather, mouth speed—is incredible!

In the blink of an eye, she peppers my cheek with a series of short kisses.

Hey, this is a classroom!

Great, now everyone’s watching.

Some kids are blushing, others look like they’re in shock, and some of the guys look downright envious. Worse, a few jerks are pointing their phones at me.

“Kogoro? What are you and Kurokawa-san doing? Hm?”

Seeing enough of the class rep’s madness, Kaede steps in.

I don’t even want to call her Kaede right now—“Hannya” feels more appropriate.

“She won’t call me Mama, you see.”

That’s perfectly normal. If I called you Mama, I’d be a target of ridicule for the rest of my school life. Worst-case scenario, I’d be bullied.

“C-class rep…”

“Mama.”

“…M-Mama, listen, I’m sure there are guys who like you, but if you do this, I’ll end up getting bullied…”

What kind of humiliation play is this?

If there’s a hole, I’d crawl into it. If there isn’t one, I’ll dig it myself.

“It’s okay, Kogoro-chan. Anyone who bullies you will face the ‘tama escape’ punishment.”

“What? What’s that?”

“You make a circle with your fingers like this, then forcefully pass the balls through. They temporarily deform and—”

“Stop! I don’t want to know!”

Just imagining it makes me wince!

Where do you even come up with such brutal torture methods?

Don’t you ever go into law enforcement.

“Hey? How long are you two going to flirt? Ignoring your childhood friend to have these dirty conversations—does that make you happy? Hurting my feelings—is that fun for you?”

We’re not flirting!

“You stole my first kiss! You kissed me good morning, remember?!”

Please, stop this.

What you two are doing isn’t building a moat—it’s full-on bombing the castle.

“Hey, Sakamoto? Is this true? Did you kiss her and leave me out of it?”

“Please stop looking like you’re about to cry…”

Don’t guilt-trip me! I haven’t done anything wrong, yet I still feel bad.

“I worked so hard to make you lunch. But I guess I don’t matter to you. Hah, I’m just a clown. Fine then. I’ll fully embrace it. You know, clowns are such tragic beings. They sacrifice their pride to make others smile, even though the audience only remembers the flashy performances. Still, they carry on, knowing this. That’s what a clown does. So I’ll do the same. I’ll be your backdrop. Even if I lose my place here at school, I’ll play the fool for you two lovebirds. My stomach already feels awful from the shock, so I’ll just let it all out. While picturing you two kissing good morning, I’ll—”

Oh no! A lunchtime terrorist attack is about to occur!

“Momiji!”

“Wh-what?”

“A kiss of affection!”

“Mmmph…!”

There. Now everyone is saved.

Why is everyone silent?

Come on, celebrate me! Applaud the hero who just prevented a bio-terror attack!