Chapter 3 – In the Name of Virginity

Humanity has eaten from the Tree of Knowledge twice.

The first time resulted in expulsion from paradise.

The second time… was this Internet.

With this, even a middle schooler like me can access any and every porn video in the world.

Gwahahaha! Parental controls? They don’t work on me!

In the end, it’s just the last four digits of my parents’ phone number!

Before a virgin’s overflowing sexual desire, such defenses are weak, weak, WEAK!

Now, wait for me! Porn videos of the wooorld!

…No wait, I mean I can search for any and all information in the world.

By the way, smartphones can’t access porn due to carrier interference, so right now I’m working on the family laptop.

I only broke through the parental controls for the sake of the world, the sake of humanity, for God’s sake, for justice’s sake.

『I think it’s too late to make excuses.』

Shut the hell uuuuuuup!

It’d be weirder for someone going through puberty NOT to be interested in porn!

So what?

Are 30-year-old virgins the strongest?

Is that the society you wanted?

Hey, what’s wrong with porn?

Could you submit your answer in thesis format?

30,000 characters on university dissertation standards, linking it to the declining birthrate problem.

Deadline is next week.

Ah—hey, stop!

『You mega-pervert! You’re seriously the worst!』

Can’t heeeear you!

I made the expression of an apocalypse raider going “Hyah-ha!”

Guhehehe.

Even though she only has the voice of a cute girl, her true form might be an indescribable monster—sexually harassing a girl like that is so fun!

So much fun!

『You recognize I’m female. So why won’t you be nice to me!?』

…Hey now.

Boobs you can’t grope.

That’s the same as not existing at all.

Smile.

『I’m getting a headache… Just work in silence, please.』

Yessir.

Now then, I launch my browser, type “Hojo Misao” into the address bar, and press enter.

This isn’t a request from God.

Just pure curiosity.

I mean, it’s intriguing, right?

A mysterious beautiful girl hiding her name.

An adventure of love and romance now begins!

…Yeah, no.

Even saying it myself, yeah no.

Besides, her name might not even appear.

Since she’s able to attend school, she probably isn’t listed as missing or anything.

The home fiber connection retrieves information from the server.

An idol unit’s information appears first.

A popular idol hiding her name at middle school.

Yours truly helping her from the shadows.

And then the flames of love ignite. Burning fire!

Oh my! You silly!

『Please stop, I’m embarrassed just listening.』

You… if you corner me any more than this, I’ll die.

If you break this fragile virgin’s heart, I’ll seriously die.

Ahh, I’ve lost all motivation.

Maybe I should just quit.

『B-big brother, please hurry and search.』

One more time!

『Big brother!』

Alright, my energy’s back.

I click the link to that idol’s official site.

What appears is a girl around high school age.

Unfortunately, Ebina—I mean Hojo—is 10 times cuter.

So much for the idol theory.

And here I’d already built up an elaborate fantasy of secretly nurturing our love, getting a job in the industry as her producer, raising her to be a top actress, and then getting married.

A white house, a big white dog, two kids. The four of us lived happily ever after on a hill overlooking the sea.

『…The fact that you’re secretly a romantic is seriously creepy.』

I won’t stop fantasizing until I make you cry!

『Just move on! Next one!』

Geez, someone who doesn’t understand jokes.

I click the next result.

“Saitama Prefectural Police”

Why the police?

And from Saitama, no less.

For some reason, I’m curious.

The page described an unsolved case from several years ago.

A kidnapping case of a former actress’s daughter, though the name was withheld.

The page had a photo of a young child, along with a current age-progression image.

But they don’t look similar.

Especially those eyes—those eyes that radiate strong will are completely different… I think.

Yeah, I don’t really know.

『Hmm… what does God expect from us?』

For now, shouldn’t we just get back to playing Cupid?

『You’re right. That’s God’s only official order after all.』

I pull out my smartphone.

Then I send a direct message via the SNS app.

“Want to talk about that BL thing?”

The reply was swift.

An SNS voice call came through to my phone.

“Heya. Hikaru-chan here.”

“…How did you find out?”

Bingo. Hook, line, and sinker.

Middle schoolers are so easy.

“Secret. But don’t worry, I’m not spreading it to anyone. I just wanted an opening to talk. I’ll never mention this again and I’ll forget about it.”

“…Really?”

“About what? Oh yeah, I have a favor to ask.”

It’s not blackmail.

I already forgot about the BL thing.

『No matter how you spin it, it’s blackmail.』

Shut up.

“A favor? …Could it be something perverted? Oh wait, it’s Sagara-kun so I’m probably safe.”

Viva! Social credibility!

『Even though you’re perverted inside…』

Shut up.

Not showing any hint of sexuality on the surface is the secret to success!

“So, what? What’s this favor?”

Alright, let’s go straight to the point.

“Yeah, Sugita from our class. He probably likes you.”

“What!? Wait, what are you… Are you teasing me?”

Good, she’s surprised but there’s no disgust in that voice.

Great. Looks like Sugita isn’t hated.

“No, I’m not teasing you. The proof is we’re talking one-on-one. Now then, conveniently I happen to have two movie tickets.”

“…Why would you do this?”

“Is it so wrong to want my friends to be happy? Oh, and by friends I mean the committee chairman too. Besides, have I ever participated in bullying or teasing anyone?”

“Well, no… ugh… Fine. I’ll try going. But if anything weird happens, I’m leaving right away, okay!”

Her tone says she’s reluctant, but I bet she’s actually super interested.

“I’ll make sure Sugita doesn’t do anything rude.”

Viva! Social credibility!

Fuhahaha!

Gwahahaha!

So easy!

Middle schoolers are so easy!

『Why would they trust such a mega-pervert? Looking at the big picture, it’s just blackmail.』

Answer: Because the committee chairman is easy.

“Okay then, please. I’ll tell Sugita to invite you next, so tomorrow pretend you didn’t know. Boys may not look it, but they’re delicate… Once you break a guy’s heart… he can’t recover…”

Girls can be so cruel to guys they’re not interested in…

Ah, I’m tearing up.

『I’m different, you know.』

You’ve been spewing poison to my face since we first met.

『You’re so mean…』

“Boys have it tough, huh… Yeah, I get it. See you later…”

After ending the call, I phone Sugita with a Golgo-like expression.

Today I might just help your love life along.

But I absolutely won’t allow you to lose your virginity before me.

When that time comes, I’ll do everything in my power to drag you down.

『How ugly can male jealousy get!?』

Shut up!

The savanna called virginity is a ruthless land!

『That makes no sense!』

Quiet, you lioness!

I start the call to Sugita.

He picks up after a few rings.

Guy-to-guy conversations are easy since we don’t have to worry about being polite.

“Yo, Kotaro, what’s up?”

“Sugipon, the girl you like is the committee chairman.”

My preemptive strike.

“Th-that’s not true! What the hell are you saying!? I’m hanging up.”

“Just listen. I got movie tickets. Since you’d sleep through a romance, I made it a live-action American comic movie. Invite the committee chairman. Watch the movie, eat food, go shopping!”

“…B-but I’m not mentally prepared…”

“…Imagine this. Valentine’s Day is obligatory chocolate from your mom. After club activities end, a lonely Christmas. A candle stuck in fried rice instead of cake. That’s your 17th birthday.”

Sob.