My Mental Choices Are Completely Interfering with My School Romantic Comedy

Volume 3 Chapter 3.3:

“I’m home desu!”

As I was in the middle of preparing dinner, Chocolat came bouncing into the room, her voice full of excitement.

“Kanade-san! I bought it!”

What she held out was that thing—the one that’s practically become a household name at this point. Another book from UOG Publishing.

…Every single time, these things have been completely useless. And yet, Chocolat keeps bringing them back. What the hell is driving her so much?

I turned down the heat on the pot and took the book from her—just in case.

This time, the title was:

“10 Ways to Make a Girl Cry—With This, You Too Can Become a Weepy King!”

“…Yeah, from now on, you don’t need to buy these anymore.”

While making sure to firmly warn Chocolat, I opened the ridiculously thick book and flipped to the usual summary page.

《① Isn’t it kind of awful to want to make a girl cry?》

…THEN WHY DID YOU WRITE THIS BOOK!?

[Explanation] Well, that’s just general morality. Personally, I find it exciting though.

…You’re not just awful, you’re a pervert!

《② Talk about a sad event from your life.》

Okay, but… examples, please?

[Explanation] The sheer awkwardness of it all will make her break down in tears.

…What the hell do you think my life is!?

《③ Pour habanero extract on your face.》

…Are you a demon!?

[Explanation] From there, a passionate love may begin.

LIKE HELL IT WILL!

《④ Have her engage in baby play (full-on bawling).》

…What the actual hell am I reading…?

[Explanation] Have her engage in baby play (full-on bawling).

Stop repeating it like it’s some divine truth!

[Additional Note] Have her engage in baby play (full-on bawling).

I GET IT! SHUT UP!

《⑤ My wife refused to do baby play (full-on bawling). Can I cry instead?》

…How long are you gonna keep dragging this out!?

[Explanation] I kinda feel like going back to my parents’ house now.

Then go! And never come back!

《⑥ Make her read “One Trillion Tears.”》

Ah, that best-selling tearjerker from a while back. Yeah, I read that one too. Gotta admit, it really was a cry-fest.

[Explanation] This book is guaranteed to shatter your tear glands… frustratingly so.

…Wait, why are you suddenly frustrated?

[Additional Note] When I first read it, I felt utterly defeated as a fellow novelist.

Oi, why the hell are you acting like some big-shot author!?

《⑦ Kukuku… You sure cry in a nice voice, don’tcha?》

…What? Again with the random edgy villain lines?

[Explanation] This is what my real dad said to me once. What should I do?

…It’s too late. If you’re already this deep into chūni at your age, there’s no saving you.

《⑧ Show up to your health checkup wearing your mom’s underwear by mistake.》

…What? No, seriously, what!?

I mean, yeah, that’d definitely make you wanna cry, but this isn’t a method—this is just a disaster!

[Explanation] This actually happened to me once. Can I count it as one of the ten methods?

…ABSOLUTELY NOT.

[Additional Note] If you flip the genders, this would be like a girl accidentally wearing her dad’s briefs instead.

LIKE HELL THAT WOULD EVER HAPPEN, EVEN IF THE WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN!

※ Hakasetai, anata ni chichi no, burīfu o

(I want you to wear, my father’s briefs)

WHY DID YOU TURN THIS INTO A HAIKU!?

※ Ichido de ii kara mite mitai, onna ni yōbō ga hesokuri kakusu toko

(Just once, I wanna see it— A woman hiding her secret stash in her chest!)

THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH UTAMARU-SAN!

《⑨ You know, now that I look at all these methods… none of them really feel right. Is it just me?》

NO, IT’S NOT JUST YOU, SO QUIT WRITING ALREADY!

[Explanation] WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, YOU LITTLE—!?

WHY ARE YOU PRE-WRITING COMEBACKS FOR MY REACTIONS!?

《⑩ Okay, so I know what I said back in method #1, but… honestly? Rather than making a girl cry, wouldn’t it be a hundred times better to make her laugh?》

…JUST WRITE A DIFFERENT BOOK THEN!

[Explanation] “10 Ways to Make a Girl Laugh—With This, You Too Can Become a Popular King!” NOW ON SALE!

…YOU ALREADY WROTE IT!?

※ Ka tte ne!

(Buy it, okay!)

WHO THE HELL WOULD—Wait, I ALREADY OWN IT!?

At this point, it was just routine. I kept giving it snappy comebacks, but honestly, I wasn’t even mad anymore.

“…This isn’t even a self-help book anymore. I should just treat it like a gag book.”

Muttering to myself, I absentmindedly flipped through the rest of the pages.

“…Huh?”

Something caught my eye.

Up until now, these books wasted most of their pages on utter nonsense—things like ‘The 48 Techniques of Tickling’ or ‘The Holy Order of Panties’—so I figured this one would be more of the same.

But what was written here…

This was different.

“…Th-This is…!”

—This might actually be useful.

***

“Kanade-san, I’m so excited!”

On Sunday, at our meeting spot in front of the school gates, Chocolat’s voice was practically bouncing with energy.

“Yeah…”

I gave a half-hearted reply.

I mean, normally, going to the pool with a bunch of girls should have been peak hype. But with this lineup? And more than anything, with that mission weighing on me, I just couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it purely.

Suddenly, a voice called out from the side.

“Kanade-oniichan! Chocolat-oneechan! Good morning!”

Yuragi came running up, waving both hands enthusiastically.

“Good morning!”

“…Yo.”

“Huh? Onii-chan, you look kinda down.”

“Nah, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“Hah! Could it be that you’re in a bad mood because I didn’t write ‘Turn little sisters into livestock’ on my school swimsuit…?”

“HOW MUCH OF A PERV DO YOU THINK I AM?!”

“Haha, just kidding, just kidding. So? What do you think of my outfit?”

Yuragi grabbed the hem of her pure white one-piece dress and twirled.

Normally, a white one-piece gave off a pure and elegant vibe in my mind. But seeing Yuragi in it—who was basically the exact opposite of that—surprisingly… it suited her.

“Meh, it’s normal.”

If I praised her honestly, she’d definitely get carried away and turn into a huge pain, so I brushed her off with a detached attitude.

“Waah! Chocolat-oneechan, Kanade-oniichan is being so cold to me!”

With an exaggerated fake-cry, Yuragi clung to Chocolat and buried her face in her chest.

“There, there.”

Acting like a big sister, Chocolat patted Yuragi’s head.

Chocolat herself was dressed in dangerously short hot pants and a form-fitting tank top that clung to her body. With her figure in an outfit like that, her body lines were way too emphasized—it was kind of amazing in a holy crap kind of way.

“By the way, where are Ouka-oneechan and Utage-oneechan?”

Lifting her face from Chocolat’s chest, Yuragi looked around.

“Yeah, they’re not here yet…”

Checking my watch, I saw that it was almost time for our meeting.

I had tried calling Yukihira once more, but she had shut me down completely. So now, it was just those two left… but a bad feeling crept into my mind. If for some reason Yuuouji couldn’t make it, then the entire premise of my mission would be—

“Fuhahahaha!”

Just then, a voice rang out from above.

“What the hell?”

Looking up at the cherry blossom tree nearby, I spotted Yuuouji standing on a branch, arms crossed, laughing triumphantly.

“Nahaha! I wanted to make a super cool entrance, so I’ve been waiting up here since before Amacchi and Chocolacchi arrived!”

…Yeah. Wow. Such a kid.

“Toh!”

With a jump, Yuuouji spun multiple times in midair (which was actually pretty damn impressive) before landing with a flourish.

“You… you’re wearing such a ridiculously short skirt again—ah, but I see you’re wearing spats, so you’re safe, huh?”

From my angle, I couldn’t see inside, but that skirt definitely flipped all the way up just now.

“Mufufu, nope! Not wearing spats today! I was so excited that I already put on my swimsuit underneath, so it’s all good!”

“Are you an elementary schooler…?”

“And what’s more, I was so excited, I couldn’t sleep at all!”

“Yup, definitely an elementary schooler…”

Well, in a way, this was just so Yuuouji.

Kyururururu!

“Whoa!”

Mid-conversation, a car came speeding toward us at an insane speed before screeching to a stop right in front of me.

“Holy crap… that was close…”

I had no clue what kind of car it was—I’m completely clueless about that stuff—but it was jet black, gleaming like crazy, and had an insanely long body… If I had to sum it up in one sentence, it looked like the kind of car that those kinds of people would ride in.

“Yo~”

Stepping out of the car was none other than our homeroom teacher—the pint-sized loli instructor.

“…Sensei, what the hell is this car?”

“What do you mean, ‘what’?”

No matter how you looked at it, this thing wasn’t something you could buy for a mere one or two million yen. I had no idea how much a private high school teacher made, but there was no way this was something you could afford just by saving up little by little.

“I mean… unless you’ve been up to something shady, there’s no way you could buy this, right?”

“Oh, I took it from some shady guys.”

…Yeah. I was gonna stop asking questions now.

“Whoa! That’s so badass!”

“It looks really expensive!”

“W-Wow… With this, we could fit so many Oniichans inside!”

Being showered with praise for her car, Utage-sensei looked pretty pleased with herself.

“Alright, hop in already. Oh, there are a few red stains here and there, but don’t think too much about it.”

“THOSE ARE BLOODSTAINS, AREN’T THEY?!”

“What are you talking about, Amakusa? It’s not something as cheap as that. This is the fiery soul that overflowed from men who clashed with their very lives on the line.”

“THAT’S JUST A FANCY WAY TO SAY BLOODSTAIN!”

“Oh, and there are some purple ones too, but just ignore them.”

“WHY THE HELL WERE NAMEKIAN ALIENS RIDING IN THIS?!”

I hesitantly peeked inside the car, but surprisingly, the interior was perfectly clean… Though when Sensei muttered, “Well, I did replace all the seats,” I made the executive decision to pretend I didn’t hear that.

As for seating arrangements, I took the front passenger seat. Chocolat, Yuuouji, and Yuragi sat in the back.

“Alright, let’s go! Brace yourselves, you punks!”

With a battle cry that sounded like we were about to raid enemy territory, our language teacher’s mafia-grade car roared to life and sped off toward the pool.

“Ooohhh! This is amazing!”

The moment the massive Aqua Galaxy came into view, Yuuouji’s reaction wasn’t even exaggerated.

The place was huge. Just like Yuuouji had said before, calling it a pool didn’t feel right—it was more like an amusement park or a full-on theme park.

“T-T-There are so many half-naked men here!”

“W-With this much space, I could do whatever I wanted with Oniichan for as long as I wanted…”

…Yeah. The fujoshi and the pervert were getting way too excited, but I was just going to ignore them.

I glanced at Yuuouji through the rearview mirror.

“Man, my hype is through the roof!”

Seeing her eyes practically sparkle with anticipation, I lowered my gaze to my bag.

…Inside was a certain secret weapon.

A miraculous creation—born from that usually useless book—designed almost specifically to make Yuuouji cry. A perfect item… except for one major flaw.

Just thinking about using it made me feel uneasy.

Over the past few days, I had racked my brain, trying to come up with any alternative solutions, but I had come up empty.

Well, I still had a whole day ahead of me. I’d keep thinking until the last second and hope I wouldn’t have to use this thing.

“Alright, we’re crashing in, you bastards!”

As I imagined Yuuouji’s teary-eyed face, Utage-sensei’s car thundered into the pool’s parking lot, making an entrance fit for a crime syndicate.